AIBU to lie about my holiday plans?

[whirlingswirlingsaucepan]

"Any plans for the holidays?" Is allegedly just an innocent, small talk question when conversation dries. In reality it isn't innocent and I really dislike the question.

We are fairly well off (I did not grow up wealthy). And enjoy travelling to far flung locations as a family. Always have. Whether on a budget when younger, or to nicer hotels now we have abit more cash. Somehow, most people around me, both rich and not-so-rich prefer to/can only afford to holiday in nearby/familiar locations (as another recent post has suggested).

As a result, my holidays gather undue interest. People get jealous or judgy. ("Oh, those awful rich kids that travel to South Africa for their holidays", as my teacher-friend once said about wealthy kids in her class). My holidays get talked about (People I never mentioned my holiday to ask how my holiday to so and so was). When asked my plans, I'd honestly rather just say "mostly going about town, maybe Brighton for a long weekend".

I do answer this at work, very successfully. Its nobody's business. Once I did mention to my boss that we were going somewhere nice, and he had this self-pity thing about only being able to afford to go to Dorset. Never again. In reality, SOME people are abit dishonest, and can afford more exotic locations, but choose not to prioritise them. Which is fine, but why the self-pity? (obviously most people can't afford expensive holidays)

The problem at home is: a) My husband is incredibly honest, and doesn't care what people think, so tells our plans exactly when asked. b) My 6 year old mentions our holidays to his classmates, (he enjoys the attention that he gets from teachers, other parents "ooooh, that's niiice"). c) I feel dishonest if I answer "Not much really", only for my child's friend to say "I thought you were going to Malaysia?".

Am I being unreasonable to want to lie about where I go on holiday? My holiday destination is for me and my family. Why is it such a common question to be asked (and judged) by people at work / I barely chat to at the school gate? Also by friends, who then get jealous.

YANBU unreasonable: "Lie away". Also suggestions please on how to overcome stated husband/child disclosure difficulties.

YABU: Please do tell me why it's unreasonable, and what I should do instead?

I feel the same when we go to very touristy places. I do think people judge about everything these days. I would lie and if someone said ‘ooh I thought you were going to Malaysia.’ I would pretend I didn’t hear 😂

Beyond the actual destination, no-one gives a flying fuck about the detail of your holiday.
In fact, not only do we not want to hear the detail, we really don't want to see the photos.

They don’t care just making conversation. If you think it’s an issue with a set person just say got a cheap deal we are looking forward to it or going to the beach or going camping or going to a cabin no other details needed.

You're living in cloud cuckoo land. It's just making conversation no one actually gives a toss where you're going. They will forget the answer in 5 minutes.

Absolutely none of anyone's business where you go on holiday.

Best not to say anything.

From a security point of view, anyone you tell, can easily speak to someone else (e.g. my friend John/Jane is going on holiday for two weeks to so and so, how exotic is that!), about your holiday, look up your details on Facebook, or other social media as you'll be a mutual friend, and with a bit of detective work if you're careless with your photos, e.g. your door number on display as you take your children's first day of term photos, or your garden/car, etc., you can easily be a target for a burglary (and probably take your car as well)

If work colleagues ask, then just mention you need to be at home as you've got house renovations going on.

Never tell anyone that gives the impression that your house is going to be empty.

Telling the truth is typically the best option. That way, it’s easy to remember what you said. Also, I think you are overthinking this massively.

I know what you mean. Once, years ago I used a (very)one off bonus to buy a plane ticket to a pretty exotic place in Asia to visit a much loved cousin who was on a working gap year (and missing home badly), overall it wasn’t that expensive as I stayed with her and we budgeted everything but for some reason every person I mentioned it too (plans for the holidays? Yes I’m visiting family in xx)acted like I’d said I was travelling all inclusive 5 star on the orient express for a month. Like I was bragging somehow, I felt so shamed that I never to this day say where I’m going on hols, lol that could be me thing but I felt like other peoples baggage was tooooo much, don’t need them sh!ttting on my plans

Genuinely surprised anyone cares tbh. We spend on travel, it's our priority. We don't have a huge house or expensive cars but we spend a lot on holidays. In the past year my kids have done a California road trip, been to the Scottish Highlands, spent a half term in St Lucia and been skiing in the Alps. There's zero reaction other than "sounds nice" from friends or at school, or maybe a bit of chat if it's somewhere they are interested in/have been to/are planning to visit. I really don't see any reason to lie about it?

Think you're overthinking. Agree with other posters that most people are genuine in just making conversation and. Maybe even feeling excited for you.

You might get the odd person who is jealous or makes nasty comments. When you do, you could have a line or two to put a stop to it.

I had work friends do it to me before and it annoyed me because we were all earning the same, but they chose to spend their money on bottles of wine every night and getting their nails done and fancy car leases. They could have spent it on trips instead. Didn't like having that pointed out to them!

How bizarre. Who cares ?? We’ve done some quite different holidays and no one has ever commented negatively.
People are interested not jealous ime.

I saw something the other day and it said ‘people will comment on money spent on travel like it’s a waste but they will praise the brand new Range Rover, the new kitchen they didn’t need and the £400 gym membership they can’t afford. Honestly who cares. We are the same, we spend the majority of our money on travel. I wouldn’t lie, be proud of it!

This is a them problem not a you problem. If they are jealous they'll have to deal with that. Who cares what people you barely know think. If your friends have a problem with it I'd get new friends.

It doesn’t matter where you go. I thought I was saving money by having 6 nights in croatia with a drive there. I had a car accident and had to stay longer but even then it was expensive.. I have spent more money going there than if I’d had a flight to Thailand and 9 nights in a 5 star hotel. Don’t lie.

I ask about peoples holidays to make conversation I dont care that deeply and I do wonder are they really being judgy or have you just worked that up in your own head, do people really care that much or are just resturning the conversaiton like normal people do?

Lie away! None of my colleagues knew my dc went to a fee-paying school and it made their lives so much happier, the colleagues' lives I mean! I only nodded when they ranted about unfair privilege, etc. Lie away! Does not matter what your dc says at school - children often lie, so no matter.

Thinking about it, I don't think most people are jealous. More defensive. They ask where I'm going on holiday, I say "Maldives". I then ask where they are going on holiday (genuinely interested - I go on every type of holiday, from camping in the peak district to beach in Brittany to 5* in yes, the Maldives). They get defensive and say something like "Oh, we are just going to Spain". Always. "Just" Spain. "Just" France. Why the "Just"?

I feel bad. Spain isn't "just". I'm usually relieved when our holiday IS camping or France. Then we can have a nice back and forth about holidays (we have by chance gone on 3 expensive holidays in a row, but will be going on much less nice holidays next year).

Anyway, as quite a few people have said, I might be over-thinking things. I'll initially try to be vague (thanks for the excellent suggestions), but if that doesn't work, i'll just be short, offer no excuse or explanation, and move on as quickly as possible. "We are going to Dubai, how about you?"

I never told my parents where I was off to on holiday. My mother would have had a heart attack if she had known I was travelling alone to countries in the Middle East like Syria, Iran and so on. I either neglected to mention I was going away or said I was off to somewhere safe like Paris or Venice. My mother never owned a passport in her life.

My mother sometimes had a health concern if she knew I was going away, I started to call from the airport saying I’d booked a last minute trip.

The posters saying no one cares.must not have contact with dysfunctional people.

Maybe they think you will judge them for ‘just’ going to Spain. Maybe don’t ask about their holiday plans? Change the subject away from holidays.

YANBU to lie about it, you don't owe people the truth, but there's nothing you can reasonably do about your DH or DC telling the truth. Given they are going to give the game away I would recommend altering the way you think about others' responses to you. I don't think the question is intended as more than small talk normally, though I get that it hasn't worked out that way for you.

I always say where we are going, if people have an issue with it that’s their problem.

Not sure you can really equate expensive with nice and cheaper with less nice 🤔 Some of my cheaper holidays have been way better than some more expensive ones!

I think you’re overthinking. I’ve only ever had positive or curious responses to holidays I’ve mentioned. Usually people will say they’ve always wanted to go/been before and it was like this. I don’t know why so many people react negatively to you, perhaps it’s in your head more than anything else.

You're giving it too much thought. People really don't care where you're going on holiday, perhaps after a little pang of jealousy. They are mostly being polite or making conversation. You're making more of a drama out of it by refusing to tell anyone.

I think YABU to lie about it, but I don't think YANBU to feel this way. I think most people are just genuinely trying to make conversation; I love hearing about where people are going - I love travelling, love getting ideas and appreciate different types of holiday.

But yes, I think you can get judgy comments about this - and many other things really - and it's annoying. I think in all cases, given the simple, basic answer is the way forward. In this case, a simple 'we are going to XYZ' is enough. If people are interested in a nice way and have questions, fine, but leave them to it if not. I wouldn't lie, as you've pointed out; it just creates extra complications.
Know what you like, why you're doing it and don't feel the need to justify it.