AIBU to lie about my holiday plans?

[whirlingswirlingsaucepan]

"Any plans for the holidays?" Is allegedly just an innocent, small talk question when conversation dries. In reality it isn't innocent and I really dislike the question.

We are fairly well off (I did not grow up wealthy). And enjoy travelling to far flung locations as a family. Always have. Whether on a budget when younger, or to nicer hotels now we have abit more cash. Somehow, most people around me, both rich and not-so-rich prefer to/can only afford to holiday in nearby/familiar locations (as another recent post has suggested).

As a result, my holidays gather undue interest. People get jealous or judgy. ("Oh, those awful rich kids that travel to South Africa for their holidays", as my teacher-friend once said about wealthy kids in her class). My holidays get talked about (People I never mentioned my holiday to ask how my holiday to so and so was). When asked my plans, I'd honestly rather just say "mostly going about town, maybe Brighton for a long weekend".

I do answer this at work, very successfully. Its nobody's business. Once I did mention to my boss that we were going somewhere nice, and he had this self-pity thing about only being able to afford to go to Dorset. Never again. In reality, SOME people are abit dishonest, and can afford more exotic locations, but choose not to prioritise them. Which is fine, but why the self-pity? (obviously most people can't afford expensive holidays)

The problem at home is: a) My husband is incredibly honest, and doesn't care what people think, so tells our plans exactly when asked. b) My 6 year old mentions our holidays to his classmates, (he enjoys the attention that he gets from teachers, other parents "ooooh, that's niiice"). c) I feel dishonest if I answer "Not much really", only for my child's friend to say "I thought you were going to Malaysia?".

Am I being unreasonable to want to lie about where I go on holiday? My holiday destination is for me and my family. Why is it such a common question to be asked (and judged) by people at work / I barely chat to at the school gate? Also by friends, who then get jealous.

YANBU unreasonable: "Lie away". Also suggestions please on how to overcome stated husband/child disclosure difficulties.

YABU: Please do tell me why it's unreasonable, and what I should do instead?

I’d simply state ‘we are going to malaysia - I’ve heard good things about the street food and dc wants to try snorkelling. We’re loooiijg forward to it!’
It’s not flashy to state the facts. It would be flashy to be going on about how you couldn’t possibly fly anything less than business class or stay in anything other than 5*.

Style it out. We going to far-flung, very obscure places and it's our 'thing'. So people judge? So what?

I will have been to more than 50 countries by the end of this year. But I don't buy clothes, never get my nails done, don't have a cleaner, all the MN essentials LOL. I spend all my spare money on travel.

I understand how you feel OP - for similar reasons I tend to avoid telling my colleagues about my holiday plans. But at home I don't think there's a solution to this. It's not reasonable for you to expect your husband and son to lie about this.

As a kid I went all over the world to some very expensive places.
I knew my friends parents couldn't afford hoildays let alone places like that so I lied to save grace. Said we went to butlins or haven when in reality we had gone to Kenya or Maldives.
So I get where your coming from.

I'd say the country if a vaguer answer doesn't work then change the subject.

I've been to a few unusual places and taken longer trips and have had people comment about cost , I just say it depends on different priorities for spending. For example I don't own a car so that already saves a lot of money. Only one person has ever said anything in a really nasty way and I just ignored it and didn't comment back. If I get asked about the holiday afterwards I say one fairly neutral thing that stood out e.g. great food or fascinating wildlife, then move on.

Frankly I don't really care what other people think about my life choices and it sounds like your husband doesn't either. I also didn't grow up wealthy and didn't actually go abroad until I was 30 so I've not had a privileged upbringing. I'm just just glad and grateful I can do things now.

Just own it, be polite and don't say too much, as that can be taken as bragging.

I get it OP. Now DH and I are working less and the DDs have flown the next we're having several holidays a year and there are lots of comments about it! From friends, neighbours, colleagues! "Oooh you off again, never in the country ...."

I think you’re assuming your plans are of far more interest to other people than they are. The teacher friend wasn’t even talking about you, the people you didn’t mention your holiday plans to but who asked how it had been don’t appear to have said anything negative, and inflating one self-pitying conversation with your boss into a reason to pretend to be going to Brighton rather than Malaysia is quite mad, I think.

If people are unduly focusing on your holidays as you seem to think, it’s probably because they’re amused by you claiming you’re having a weekend in a Brighton caravan while your child and DH are vocally looking forward to Malaysia.

Probably a beach holiday
Last minute booking
Leave booked, no details yet but it will definitely involve a theme park/ snorkeling/museums
Evade, or flip it, say we won't to go snorkeling can you recommend anywhere and let them talk about themselves

I wouldn’t lie - I’d evade. Eg ‘going for a beach holiday this year’. Or ‘Fed up of beach holidays
so booked a cabin in the countryside. Or ‘still finalising the details’ (always true). Then follow up immediately asking them the same question to deflect.

I think you are over thinking this. Lying is awkward - you then have to maintain the lie, keep it consistent with what the rest of your family are saying. You are going to look silly/weird if you are found out. As long as you only answer the question simply when asked rather than going on about it, and acknowledge that you are lucky, and are not dismissive of other people's holidays, nobody decent should make you feel bad about your holidays.

The only exception I might make would be if there is some particular individual who you know is going to be really unpleasant about it. But then, who cares what then think? And you'd be best off just trying to avoid having anything to do with them at all.

People are mostly just making conversation and if they appear judgy, it often says more about them than you. Such as the person 'who can only afford to go to Dorset' likewise Devon/Cornwall, are often spending a lot more on a holiday than people who go to the Med, or far flung places that cost a bit more to get to but are very affordable once you're there.

I'm quite open about the fact that I go to Spain a lot because I like the weather and want to swim in the warm sea and the castles, cathedrals, museums etc are usually a lot cheaper than the UK (eg it cost us 8 euro to go in Girona cathedral, which is more impressive than York Minster which costs £25 ). I would go to Cornwall or Scotland but I don't want to spend a lot of money for the weather to be crap and the sea freezing and Eden project £31 vs Malaga Botanical Gardens 5 euro. I can't afford to holiday in the UK.

Depending on the context, it might be worth mentioning how cheap accommodation/food is in eg parts of Asia. Though not if you are doing it the expensive luxury way. I know for sure that our family holiday to Borneo a few years ago cost a lot less than some European breaks, but not everyone realises how cheap it can be.

I'd tell the truth without boasting. If they want to be envious, let them.

"We're going to Malaysia/Japan/Cambodia as we can't afford UK".

It's actually true, we spent more on UK holidays in 2021 than if we'd gone abroad.

I think that most people are just making conversation and you think too much about it

I can honestly say I’ve never heard judgment about the relative expense of different holidays, so I wonder if this is as big a deal as it feels to you?

People do gossip about the big trips but it’s along the lines of “ooh I wouldn’t fancy a 16 hour flight with a 5 year old!” Or “gosh she’s going with all her in laws, I couldn’t do that”.

It’s never about how expensive the holiday was or guessing who is spending more money on their trips.

So it is gossiping but not really about the money, more about what we like/don’t like on trips.

It's a bit different for me because I'm originally from a far-flung place, but we don't only holiday there, we love travel so we go to many different places. I just say where I'm going, I don't think I've had any snarky responses but if there were, I would shrug it off as that person's problem/chip on their shoulder.

I think you’re over thinking it! It’s just something people ask to fill a silence etc. it’s nice to hear about places people are off to - and yes sometimes I feel
a bit jealous if someone’s off on their 3rd AI to somewhere stunning… but I’m always pleased for them! We went abroad last time for the first time in 20 years, and the only time ever as a family with our 3 kids. To me it felt even more special because of y was such a rarity. And I have found a way to enjoy my English/British breaks - someone with a single long haul holiday might feel jealous that I’ve got 5 UK holidays this year (lots of camping involved though). So just answer honestly and if they’re funny about it, that’s about them, not you. Don’t be braggy and no one will care.

It’s definitely weird to lie. Less weird would be to say you don’t know, your husband is taking the reins this year and you’ve said you don’t want to know until you’re ready to pack/ready to leave/at the airport or whatever!

You don't owe anyone the details, but if your husband and child are going to talk about the holiday no matter what, then on a practical level people are going to know the destinations and some details no matter what you do. If you're mainly getting moans that people can't afford holidays as nice or as long-haul as yours, perhaps try light humour like "Well, we've been eating rice and beans all year and my husband's still using his 2008 iPhone, but we HOPE it will be worth it!" And then change the subject. That might get a little bit of the message across without being too offensive.

As a side note, when I was younger and single some of my colleagues were serially shocked/sad that I was going various places solo - very much by choice! - so I'd try to reciprocate, e.g.: "Alicante sounds GREAT, but what a drag that you have to bring your partner and children along! Couldn't you get away by yourself?" I think it possibly made a few people think.

It's no one's business where you go, when you go, who you go

We're undecided/nothing firm is always a good retort.

I'd tell the truth because it isn't worth lying about.

If anyone makes a comment it stick with "I know, we're very lucky" or "it's taken a while to save for so we're looking forward to it".

We do a lot of travel, but we sacrifice in other areas to afford it. People in compatible jobs could presumably do the same as you if they wanted?

I totally get it, we prioritise holidays and I do some comments along the lines of where are you going this time, must be nice for some etc.
It did use to bother me but everyone makes different decisions about what’s a priority to them!
We’re currently sat in an Italian airport waiting for a flight home after 3 weeks away and we had nearly three weeks in SE Asia at Easter as well.

Are you sure you aren’t overthinking this? A particular destination doesn’t necessarily mean spending £££££.

Yes, this.

I am not sure other people care that much tbh amd I haven't ever really heard anyone have that sort of conversation.

Lots and lots of families from all sorts of walks of life do understand priorisitisng and spending money on travel - especially those who go skiing or to the Florida parks for eg.

I think you are projecting and they probably don’t care at all where you go. Lying would be ridiculous!