AIBU to lie about my holiday plans?

[whirlingswirlingsaucepan]

"Any plans for the holidays?" Is allegedly just an innocent, small talk question when conversation dries. In reality it isn't innocent and I really dislike the question.

We are fairly well off (I did not grow up wealthy). And enjoy travelling to far flung locations as a family. Always have. Whether on a budget when younger, or to nicer hotels now we have abit more cash. Somehow, most people around me, both rich and not-so-rich prefer to/can only afford to holiday in nearby/familiar locations (as another recent post has suggested).

As a result, my holidays gather undue interest. People get jealous or judgy. ("Oh, those awful rich kids that travel to South Africa for their holidays", as my teacher-friend once said about wealthy kids in her class). My holidays get talked about (People I never mentioned my holiday to ask how my holiday to so and so was). When asked my plans, I'd honestly rather just say "mostly going about town, maybe Brighton for a long weekend".

I do answer this at work, very successfully. Its nobody's business. Once I did mention to my boss that we were going somewhere nice, and he had this self-pity thing about only being able to afford to go to Dorset. Never again. In reality, SOME people are abit dishonest, and can afford more exotic locations, but choose not to prioritise them. Which is fine, but why the self-pity? (obviously most people can't afford expensive holidays)

The problem at home is: a) My husband is incredibly honest, and doesn't care what people think, so tells our plans exactly when asked. b) My 6 year old mentions our holidays to his classmates, (he enjoys the attention that he gets from teachers, other parents "ooooh, that's niiice"). c) I feel dishonest if I answer "Not much really", only for my child's friend to say "I thought you were going to Malaysia?".

Am I being unreasonable to want to lie about where I go on holiday? My holiday destination is for me and my family. Why is it such a common question to be asked (and judged) by people at work / I barely chat to at the school gate? Also by friends, who then get jealous.

YANBU unreasonable: "Lie away". Also suggestions please on how to overcome stated husband/child disclosure difficulties.

YABU: Please do tell me why it's unreasonable, and what I should do instead?

You're entitled to privacy and to protect yourself from negativity. Maybe don't tell your kid where you're going - no other option there. Your partner just needs to see your viewpoint and stop blabbing!

A few people have commented to me recently that we go on a lot of holidays. And it has made me feel mildly defensive, because actually I think there are plenty of people we know who go on a similar number. But I don't think there is any implied criticism or judgement really so it is silly of me to be defensive.

Also, I have a theory that the reason people think we go on more holidays than others is that our holidays tend to be slightly more unusual than others. Not necessarily more expensive or futher away, just not the typical set among a lot of the people know. So I think they notice them more and so feel like there are more. But of course I can't say "no we don't go on more holidays we just go on more unusual holidays" because that would sound weird or like showing off.

Anyway, I'm probably over thinking things too!

I met a couple on holiday in Kenya once. They were street traders and they told everyone they were going to Tenerife every year.
They said it wasn't worth the slagging off

I'd be disappointed if you lied about it, I genuinely love hearing about people's adventures!

Totally get this op - have similar with work colleague - I’m just vague now. I like the comment from pp - you are entitled to privacy.,

How strange, never encountered anyone judgey about it...unless its a country with poor human rights or hints of sex tourism.

I think a lot of people wouldn't want to go to lots of far flung destinations because of travel discomfort, heat etc..

I think you might be making too much of this OP..or have been very unlucky with friends and colleagues

I think you’re massively overthinking this. Plus telling a lie about it when your DH is open and your child states where you’re going just makes you look foolish? Nobody cares as much as you think they do, and if they do comment? Who cares? It’s your money, your choice how you spend it.

If they're asking the question, I don't see what's wrong with giving a truthful answer. It's not bragging if they've asked. Obviously you don't have to immediately grab your phone and show photos of the stunning hotel, or list the activities you're going to be doing - let them lead the conversation. Say you're interested in visiting lots of different places, and let them ask questions if they want to.

They ask, you respond, and then say what about you, any fun plans coming up?

It's just a conversation. I don't get why you'd want to lie.

I don't really understand this. I've never come across anyone reacting negatively to someone's exotic holiday plans. I did see someone asked to prepare a PowerPoint deck about their holiday once, as everyone was so interested 🤣 - now that would be a good reason to lie.

I think most people understand that they could also go wherever, if they prioritised it/saved for long enough/put it on a credit card. The only reactions I've seen are mild boredom or genuine interest.

I don’t care where anyone else goes on holiday and wouldn’t be jealous of anywhere they go. I doubt people care about your holidays as much as you think they do?

Agree

Yanbu. Some people I knew could be very judgmental and would happily gossip about my trips away. You’ll have to speak to your husband and explain you get blowback about trips away. It’s more difficult with your son. You could say that people have been mean or jealous and you’d rather he didn’t talk about holidays in school.

How much of that is leisure travel and how much is business, though?
Flying somewhere on business is often still seen as a perk these days. Especially if you stay over for a short holiday at the end of your trip and spouse flies out to join you.

If you lied about it and then I found out you were actually off to an exotic location, I'd a) assume you lie about other things, B) assume you don't want to be friends because if you don't want to open up about such a generic thing I'd assume you don't want to open up about anything else, and C) just find it weird.

Tbh I don't care where anyone is going on holiday. I love our holidays and wouldn't be jealous. I also assume most people don't actually care about my holidays.

Believe it or not, not everyone actually wants to go to these far flung places even if they can afford them. A lot of people will say "oh how nice" while thinking "God, a 12 hour flight - no thanks!".

Just be honest and don't assume everyone is jealous.

Us not travelling would impact tourism in other countries ( tour guides, hotels, restaurants etc). There's flying fruit & veg across the world too. It's not easy. IDK what the answer is, apart from hope for planes powered by something other than fossil fuels!

I agree! I’ve got no interest in going to many places for various reasons… I don’t know why the OP assumes people are jealous. I think most aren’t.

If I learned anything from lurking on those “how much did your holiday cost” threads, it’s that holidays to far flung places aren’t necessarily more expensive than far less exotic-sounding trips.

I don’t judge people who go to exotic places, but I am far more likely to ask questions about somewhere I haven’t been myself. I like hearing about travels to places I’ve not visited. I don’t think you need to feel so self conscious about this. People are just more curious about the unfamiliar.

I don't think you are being unreasonable OP and in your shoes I'd lie too. I also hate the holiday question, but for the opposite reason. We don't really do holidays. We can't afford to because we are supporting disabled family members. I don't really care, because I travelled extensively with my job as did my DH, but while I'm more than happy to hear all about other people's trips, I can't bear the pitying looks when I'm forced into admitting that no, we aren't going away again this year. So much so that I do sometimes lie and say that we either have been away or are going away and enthuse at length about some of the countries I've already been seen.. In truth, even if we could afford to travel now, it still wouldn't be a high priority. I much prefer it when I travel for a defined business purpose and someone else picks up the tab!

I'm with you! I always tell people i can't afford a holiday in this country!

I get it OP and have experienced the same. It's baffling.

Just don't tell people, it seems easier that way.

I've never come across anyone reacting negatively to .... exotic holiday plans.
Well, I have! Usually in the "oooh, get you" manner. I choose carefully what I say and to whom. Our NDN either haven't heard of the country or can't fathom why anyone would go there. I don't lie about it but if they ask where we're going I keep it simple. I don't assume they're jealous. We're just different in our experiences and tastes. Now, if someone is genuinely interested in travel I'm happy to share stories.

Sod it. You enjoy those holidays and it’s up to them where they spend their hard earned!
I struggle because I have a work colleague and friend who has not had a holiday for years however none of us can work out why and how she can’t afford to because we all know what each other must earn and each other’s circumstances having worked together for a very long time in a close way
It’s all about choices in a lot of cases

I don't think I've ever once commented to someone about where someone else is going on holiday.
If someone said that they were going to the Maldives or something I'd say ooh that sounds nice and then it would never once cross my mind. The only way I'd say something else would be if I'd already been or was planning to go.
You're over estimating how much someone else cares about your holiday

@itsalltoplayforme too. I’ve got a bargain 10 days in Vietnam coming up that I have completely planned and booked myself travelling solo as I usually do but I’m also planning a slightly more expensive trip to South Africa in February and the comments I’ve had even from my own children about spending their inheritance… No, it’s not darlings, it is my money 🤣
I don’t care though I live my life for me!