AIBU to lie about my holiday plans?

[whirlingswirlingsaucepan]

"Any plans for the holidays?" Is allegedly just an innocent, small talk question when conversation dries. In reality it isn't innocent and I really dislike the question.

We are fairly well off (I did not grow up wealthy). And enjoy travelling to far flung locations as a family. Always have. Whether on a budget when younger, or to nicer hotels now we have abit more cash. Somehow, most people around me, both rich and not-so-rich prefer to/can only afford to holiday in nearby/familiar locations (as another recent post has suggested).

As a result, my holidays gather undue interest. People get jealous or judgy. ("Oh, those awful rich kids that travel to South Africa for their holidays", as my teacher-friend once said about wealthy kids in her class). My holidays get talked about (People I never mentioned my holiday to ask how my holiday to so and so was). When asked my plans, I'd honestly rather just say "mostly going about town, maybe Brighton for a long weekend".

I do answer this at work, very successfully. Its nobody's business. Once I did mention to my boss that we were going somewhere nice, and he had this self-pity thing about only being able to afford to go to Dorset. Never again. In reality, SOME people are abit dishonest, and can afford more exotic locations, but choose not to prioritise them. Which is fine, but why the self-pity? (obviously most people can't afford expensive holidays)

The problem at home is: a) My husband is incredibly honest, and doesn't care what people think, so tells our plans exactly when asked. b) My 6 year old mentions our holidays to his classmates, (he enjoys the attention that he gets from teachers, other parents "ooooh, that's niiice"). c) I feel dishonest if I answer "Not much really", only for my child's friend to say "I thought you were going to Malaysia?".

Am I being unreasonable to want to lie about where I go on holiday? My holiday destination is for me and my family. Why is it such a common question to be asked (and judged) by people at work / I barely chat to at the school gate? Also by friends, who then get jealous.

YANBU unreasonable: "Lie away". Also suggestions please on how to overcome stated husband/child disclosure difficulties.

YABU: Please do tell me why it's unreasonable, and what I should do instead?

I said this to my neighbour, it wasn’t a judgement just passing conversation. They are always away, which is their choice but it’s fine to acknowledge that.

I wouldn’t lie to anyone who clearly already knows where you’re going, no!

Just be honest. I wouldn’t lie about it. Some people are going to be envious but so what. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm in a similar type situation (we've done 4 abroad hols this year and will be going to south africa in october) and I used to feel awkward or bad about it but now I just think Fuck It. We go on those holidays because we prioritise travel, our friends are cruising round in 2 brand new, premium badge SUVs which cost way more than all our holidays added together, and also because we work super hard, and I'm good at spotting a bargain and working with cheap flights etc. Each to their own priorities (my clothes are from vinted whereas a designer handbag is literally the cost of our flights to SA for all 4 of us). I'd not feel bad about it personally.
I said "not unreasonable" because lie if you like, I don't see anything wrong with saying vaguely "not much" but you should not feel bad about prioritising your spending on travel, in the same way people aren't covering up their car badges/lying about private school attendance/not using designer handbags etc. If people find out from other family members, I think it'll look a bit weird and I honestly think most people say stuff like "nice for some" as one of those auto comments (I've said it before, i just mean "that sounds nice, I wish I was going too") I don't think anyone means "you absolute show off/rich bitch, I'm seriously jealous and hate you now". Why do you care what they think/say?

YABU in the sense that you should be yourself and not have to worry about other people’s jealousy.
They are being rude by making you feel bad. A normal response is to express interest in the location etc not to make you feel bad. They asked about a holiday so you’re answering them. Doesn’t sound like you’re being obnoxious and gloating or bragging. You do you - if they’re crass enough to make a negative comment just ignore it and change the subject. Finish your response with a question back at them ‘we’re going to South Africa. What are you plans this year?’ If they’re pathetic enough to say ‘oh we can’t afford anything like that we’re going to stay in a hole in the back garden.’ Just ask about their trip ‘oh lovely, have you been there before? I hear it’s lovely.’ Etc etc. Ignore their jibes - be clinical and honest.
I hate people who like to piss on other people’s parades. Have a wonderful holiday x

I’m going to entirely prove your point when I say that this post sounds suspiciously like a stealth brag……🤨

Im only joking. Seriously just tell the truth. It’s not bragging or boasting to just answer a question that someone asks you. It’s not like you’re going around announcing it to the world unprompted. If they feel jealous then that’s their issue, not yours, they did ask!

I do get it. I didn’t have much growing up and I do sometimes feel embarrassed to be seen as ‘showing off’ if we splurge on something. We had our garden landscaped a few years ago and I was strangely shy about inviting my family over. Similarly I don’t tend to want to announce if we get a new car or book an expensive holiday or do some decorating. It’s this weirdly ingrained fear of being seen as boastful.

No, absolutely don’t lie.

Just answer “Malaysia” and leave it at that.

I have a friend who responds “You’re ALWAYS travelling!” in a slightly judgy, self-pitying way. It used to make me uncomfortable but I’ve learned to just smile and move the conversation on.

God, I’m going to stop talking to people altogether soon. The list (according to people on mumsnet) of things I’m not allowed to ask or talk about without inadvertently pissing someone off is growing by the day.
” where you off on holiday” is the definition of polite small talk. Get over yourself. Nobody else cares that much.

No matter what you think people don’t actually give a fuck where you’re going apart from a moment of possibly thinking that sounds nice.

I dont think people actually care about where you go on holiday, its just chat! I am one of those people who could afford far flung but prefer not to and tend to stick to Europe mostly. I have a close friend who travels all over to weird and wonderful places and I always ask her where shes going/ how her holiday was but dont really pay a huge amount of attention and am certainly not judgy or jealous! Just tell the truth and if someone says 'ooooo, get you' then its highly unlikely that they are jealous, its just what people say!!

Tell them and be honest without bragging or going OTT with lots of detail. Lying is faintly patronising. I am sure most people can handle
it.

I think you are overthinking and people are just making conversation.

I'm surprised this still garners that much interest. There was a time in the not too distant past when going to Japan, Malaysia or even Thailand would've been considered incredibly exotic and the preserve of the rich and famous (or possibly backpackers!). But even in my relatively modest circle most people have holidayed outside of Europe at some point, and probably more than once.

Just tell it as it is. If others don’t like it so be it. You should never be ashamed of what you have worked for or how you choose to spend it.

Just stop lying -you are teaching your child it's okay to lie and it isn't.

If it makes your life easier then just lie. It's not going to harm them in any way.

I honestly don't understand why you'd worry about sharing holiday plans. You don't have to say 'i'm going to 5* resort in Thailand this year flying first class'. Many people love and prioritise travel regardless of income. We could have afforded a much more expensive home, for example, but chose not to so we could continue to go on holidays to far flung destinations without any worry. Personally having grown up poor, I still travel on a budget so we go to amazing places but stay in regular airbnbs etc. so I would never assume someone is well off based on their holiday destinations. I'd just assume they're adventurous! My boss hates travelling and always stays in the UK and goes camping but I know he earns more than I do!

I’m with your DH. I just tell people the truth. We love to travel and don’t spend loads on other things so that we can afford these trips.
If one colleague just wants to go to Weymouth every year and another to Disneyland Paris then why shouldn’t I go wherever I want to.
Let them gossip about where the money comes from for these trips if they want to, but I don’t care.

I haven’t got a pot to piss in and I work with millionaires who have fabulous holidays. Yes I’m a bit jealous but ultimately couldn’t care less. I’m more bothered whether they conduct themselves as privileged wankers with no self awareness or whether they’re just decent people who happen to have money. I’m sure if you’re the latter, honesty is always the best policy.

I work in a school. Everyone asks about holiday plans.

If you're lying whilst your husband and child are merrily telling all and sundry your plans, you're the one that will look odd!

Your circle sounds odd if they're that invested in your holidays. I go on pretty nice trips and have never had a peep from friends.

I went to a few far-flung places when I was younger, so I’m not going to be jealous, even though I usually holiday in the UK these days.

I do secretly judge people who fly a lot though. My family and I have cut down massively for environmental reasons, so it’s depressing to see the social media posts from those who fly three times a year and don’t give a shit.

in my experience this is just filler conversation, like..ooh nice weather today isn’t it? No one really cares as much as you think about where you are going. Briefly tell them and then move the conversation on, ask them some questions about themselves or their plans. I think you’re assuming they will care more than they do.

How can you lie about it if your DH and DC tell the truth? You'll get into a right old state. Just tell a version of the truth ( don't have to mention the 5 star hotels) , say "I've always wanted to go there" and then change the subject.

I agree with you. I find it depressing too.. Air travel is a huge contributor to greenhouse gases and therefore climate change. DH refuses to fly now for this reason. People are in denial, or think that paying someone to plant a tree will offset their holiday. It won't.