My “comeback” was equal levels rude?

[Rebes]

I am from a Mediterranean culture that can be highly misogynistic and a bit old fashioned especially in regards to women. I was talking to my partner’s aunt at a gathering (same background) when the aunt asked me my age. I knew she was trying to figure out if I’m passed it. I thought it was incredibly rude. And frankly I was just very over being judged for being 32 and unmarried. Have focused on career and travelling. So in response I asked what her bmi was. She’s overweight but nothing extreme.

Anyway, I got a phone call from boyfriend’s cousin who had a massive go at me. And I’m now not allowed to step foot in the Aunts house. Which is where everyone gathers. Bf obviously isn’t pleased.

NO ONE in bf’s family (his parents and siblings) thinks what I did was right. My mum said it was totally fair to highlight the Aunt’s rudeness. Sick to death of people judging me.

I normally bite my lip. I know it was nasty. I don’t know why she’s the only one who has a right to be offended and garner all the sympathy.

I understand that you don't buy into them (although you do buy into the weight-based equivalent, as you do think that's rude - presumably you do think negatively of being overweight, then?), but you are aware that many people do. You explain what the negative connotations are and in the next breath claim not to know why people are assigning negative connotations.

It's quite amazing. It's like saying, "I know people think fat people are ugly and lazy but I've no idea why it's rude to call someone fat because I don't think that!"

You can distance yourself from the judgement without pretending you don't know it's there. If you want to pretend you don't know about it, don't explain it!

The best way to deal with someone asking your age is to say "I'm 32 or 50 or 65", how about you?"

Then if they go onto make a rude/judgmental comment, deal with that as it comes. Not be all "Oh fie, you may not ask a lady her age! What's your BMI though anyway?" Random. 🙄

So if you and your boyfriend don't share the judgemental views on age, why take offence and respond with rudeness?

You know her views are wrong. Your boyfriend knows her views are wrong.

Why not smile and respond with either, your age, with no shame (since there is no reason to feel shame) and if she made a critical response, then call her put then, or divert the conversation if you couldn't be bothered getting into it

I feel you have lost the moral high ground by being judgemental and rude and have also soured relationships with boyfriends family

This woman wanted to put me down! I should have had more self control. I do recognise that. Most people would describe polite and kind. It’s really not in my nature to be a nasty person.

I just thought who the actual fuck are you to judge me when you are very much not perfect yourself.

My mum is overweight. I would never attack her for that. It was just the first thing came to mind. But I think it’s a bit harsh that im being treated like I just threw a random insult out without being provoked. I will send an apology text. Explain I may be sensitive to the question. Not that o really mean it

You may be right, but the point is that the question is rude.

She obviously touched a nerve. However, no need to be rude because if you react like that, you just prove she touched a nerve. And that is, assuming she had a malicious intent and was not just asking a question. What if she was asking a genuine question (it is OK to ask age if you are a family member, not a stranger). There are elegant ways to answering - and yours was not an elegant way.

Maybe so but it’s still not acceptable to take out years of cultural resentment on your partner’s aunty that you barely know, in her home. Her response was mindblowingly disproportionate even if the aunty was being rude.

Are you sure it's not you who feels a bit oid and on the shelf, to be so touchy about it?

It just seems like an extreme reaction to an old fashioned view from a (presumably) older relative of a BF? Are you older than he is?

Haha! I mean...she probably deserved it, but it isn't exactly the most...glorified way of responding. Especially not if you're interested in having a pleasant relationship with your partner's family. I hate being asked about my age, too - in fact, any intrusive, personal question. But there are other ways to respond to questions we don't like.

"Oh, I've lost count by now. I'm just enjoying my life and appreciating every day I get to wake up, thanks to God"

"Oh Gosh, I barely remember my birthday. By the way, I was meaning to say - what a lovely dress you have on, it really suits you. Are you into fashion?"

"You know what, I don't feel a day over 20. I just really love life, and I really appreciate your invitation to this party. There are so many people I'd love to say hi to, I hope you don't mind if I find you a bit later to continue our chat"

sounds to me like you dodged a bullet with that family. Onward and upward without that BF

But asking about BMI is not always a bad thing. Maybe Op can say that she was impressed by the feast aunt put on, while still staying in such good shape. You can claim innocence behind both questions, only the listener can tell based on tone, etc. what could be the purpose behind the question.

Why do people ask age? Let’s imagine Op said 32, then what. Aunt would have said okay? I doubt it. There must be a reason she was curious about OP’s age, and as op says she misogynistic, maybe it was leading to that kind of conversation.

Is it? Why?

I explained in the previous post. It's in the trail you answered so it's right there.

I don’t feel left on the shelf at all. I go to the gym daily. I look and feel amazing! Still get id’d. No interest in marriage or kids. Plenty of male attention. Just do not care to settle down. I’ve seen a lot of toxic marriages - love children, domestic abuse. Not for me.

This is the joke from Ann Droid the sitcom. The robot is trying to be friendly and is told to ask a question to start a conversation. She turns to a large woman and asks, what her BMI is. The robot has to quickly be taken out of the shop before she offends anyone else. It is a rude question unless you are a robot ( although the robot in ANN Droid is still told off for asking it because it is rude.

Shop woman was a rude jobsworth who deserved to be told, although maybe not in such an extreme way considering she was obviously a bit over sensitive.

If you were near me OP, I’d bring you pre packaged melon.

This. Why are you so defensive and why is 32 past it?

Well op made a mistake. She reacted in the moment. If aunt is a decent person, she would forgive op.

So why did this aunt's question touch such a nerve? Who are you trying to convince?

Well that makes no sense at all. So it depends what someone has in their mind when they ask you your age as to whether it is rude? How would you know this about a stranger, do you read their mind first?

Why is it normal question to ask someone their age? Why do you need to know that unless it’s a form or for an activity based on age.

Asking someones age is perfectly normal, asking someone's BMI isn't and it's really rude. Coming from a misogynist culture is no excuse, you are an adult and you can choose to do the work to make sure you are not like that.

I think it was a very apt response. Presumably neither question was answered because neither should have been asked in the first instance. The Aunt is the trouble maker IMO.

It might be relevant for general chat about cultural references and whether they were alive when a particular TV programme was on or particular music was popular. I know I've been asked in that context "Oh you're too young to remember..."

The aunt asked OP her age. How is that 'hurtful and offensive'?

As far as one can tell from the op the conversations didn't get much further than OP's offensive retort so unless the aunt took one look at OP and declared that she 'looked old and way past her sell by date' the aunt's question was neither hurtful nor offensive.