My “comeback” was equal levels rude?

[Rebes]

I am from a Mediterranean culture that can be highly misogynistic and a bit old fashioned especially in regards to women. I was talking to my partner’s aunt at a gathering (same background) when the aunt asked me my age. I knew she was trying to figure out if I’m passed it. I thought it was incredibly rude. And frankly I was just very over being judged for being 32 and unmarried. Have focused on career and travelling. So in response I asked what her bmi was. She’s overweight but nothing extreme.

Anyway, I got a phone call from boyfriend’s cousin who had a massive go at me. And I’m now not allowed to step foot in the Aunts house. Which is where everyone gathers. Bf obviously isn’t pleased.

NO ONE in bf’s family (his parents and siblings) thinks what I did was right. My mum said it was totally fair to highlight the Aunt’s rudeness. Sick to death of people judging me.

I normally bite my lip. I know it was nasty. I don’t know why she’s the only one who has a right to be offended and garner all the sympathy.

Good for you OP keep up the good (or bad) work

Yours was a despicable comment. Hers was just unwarranted. You need to apologise. If anyone asked my BMI I'd no longer want anything to do with them. If they asked my age I'd either tell them or not depending on who they were. The two aren't comparable and I hope you see that.

It depends on context and what you know the connotations to be. I've been in places where it's a compliment to be called fat, or genuinely considered beautiful, yet somehow everyone on here understands that OP's response was rude.

At any rate I'm bored of all the time wasting disingenuousness on this thread now. The one about "shut your cunt up you Ann Robinson lookalike" or whatever it was is much more entertaining and I need to enjoy it while it's still up.

Even if someone had made a misogynistic comment in the past, I'd wait for a further comment doing just that rather than anticipate that comment and sink to being worse than them myself.

The correct response is "I'm 32, how old are you?" Not "I'm 32. What's your BMI?" That makes you look very odd, and rude.

Well I think you burned your bridges there. The fact you go to the gym everyday… you look amazing… really resonates with the “
I dont know why I thought about weight it was just the first thing that sprang to mind”. You know very well that women are judged very heavily about appearances and it’s a bit rich talking about misogyny in one breath then launching a blow that you know larger women will have been subjected to a lot one way or another. Unfortunately it was not a stranger in the street and this has potentially made your own life significantly worse assuming you like the guy you’re with. Maybe a little heart to heart with the aunty to explain may help.

Yes, it is interesring that OP when asked if she was oversensitive about being "left on the shelf" went straight to her appearance, rather than her actual biological age and the impact that might have, and also that she attacked this aunt based on her appearance.

She was rude. You were ruder. Now you’ve put your bf in an impossible situation where he has to choose between you and his family.

Next time shed light on the issue by further questions (are you concerned about my fertility?) rather than doubling down with your own line in rudeness. You’ll probably have to apologise now or live out in the cold..

You say you get ID’d a lot - maybe the aunt thought you looked a lot younger than you are and was actually judging her nephew for dating someone too young! The problem with your reaction is you’ll never know and his family will now be predisposed to hate you, unless the aunt is disliked in general.

You clearly came on free hoping for a pat on the back with posters falling over themselves to say “good one - that will teach her”.

My view would have been to hear her out, just in case this once she wasn't going to be rude.

Then if she was in fact rude, be 10x worse that you would have been.

"Oh 32 is way past it" would be followed up with "at least I can climb stairs without getting out of breath".

In my experience, genuinely kind people do not need to assert how kind they are. Nor do they go about giving apologies they do not genuinely mean.

By the context, as detailed in OP's original post, e.g. 'I am from a Mediterranean culture that can be highly misogynistic and a bit old fashioned especially in regards to women'.

So, I'd say it was hurtful and offensive on the grounds of: 1) social convention (that to ask someone's age is rude), and 2) patterns of behaviour within the family and the wider culture.

OP states that her partner's aunt wanted to put her down. I think she's right to trust her instinct on that.

Now, the aunt may have felt justified in her behaviour, but that does not negate her ill intent.

I’m of the belief that you are polite to your host. I’ve (very rarely) been hosted by a SIL who despises me and I paste a smile on my face if I must be under her roof. If someone is rude to me in my house they are never invited again. It’s my sanctuary and I wouldn’t trust someone to respect it or my family if they’re openly disrespectful towards me.

If it was ill intent.

That was actually only OP's supposition.

The aunt may well have asked the question with ill intent, OP may very well be right but she really could have dealt with the question in a far better manner and still have kept the moral high ground.

Her response was unnecessary and far ruder than the aunt's question.

There’s a huge difference between asking someone their age and asking their BMI, you had no clue why she was asking she child have been making polite conversation however it would never be appropriate to ask about her BMI, you were very rude.

So why did you react so strongly to it? You should be proud of everything above, not 'sensitive' to it. There's ways of dealing with niggly people without coming across as an arsehole yourself.

And at least wait for her to actually be rude before you jump in with both feet!

Now you're going to have to fall on your sword and admit to her of all people that you ARE sensitive about being asked your age, just to keep the peace!

I hear ya. I think the aunt's remark might have been the straw that broke the camel's back. One incident too many, and you crack. Often happens to people pleasers, because even we have our breaking point 😅

To maintain the moral high ground is, if nothing else, tactically smart - but it's so easy to slip in the heat of the moment.

I do think it's a good idea to trust your gut in these situations. If OP knows the family well, she's probably well-equipped to discern what's going on.

I don’t think there’s anything false about their impression OP.

I don't see the aunt's question as rude at all, more just making conversation. I've been asked my age before. I would never see an issue with it and I am now 60.

The OP's response was bizarre, incredibly rude and irrelevant.

People may disagree with me on that if they wish.

It's bloody hilarious. And it shut the Aunt up

My response would have been don’t you know it’s rude to ask a lady her age? No need to be so rude back to her though.

Not funny at all.

On the contrary, I think they have seen exactly who you are.

You judge them for their views, you’re allowed to do that. They judge you for yours, they are allowed to do that. They asked you a really normal question to ask someone you are getting to know, you don’t have to answer it if you don’t want. You could have easily deflected it by asking how old they were, then engaging them in conversation about their life. Instead of making a response that made it clear you don’t want to answer it, but in a friendly way, you immediately took offence (based on your judgment) and retorted with something that was hugely offensive in any situation. That is who you are.

You have continued to make excuses for why you did it. I don’t think you regret saying it, you think it was a clever retort and maybe wanted everyone to clap and cheer. You regret the fall out from it. Would you have posted about it if you hadn’t subsequently been banned from her house (which, by the way, is entirely appropriate for her to do). On the one had you say your boyfriend is annoyed, on the other you say he understands. I can’t imagine anyone being happy with their partner offending a family member the first time they met. I expect he is keeping quiet about it to keep the peace.

You mention her saying she thinks having sons is better. This is a debate that often rages here on Mumsnet. I think having a daughter is better than having a son. Because I have one, and I love it, and boy mumming looks like really hard work. My sister watched me having to go through “teenage girl” mumming and was hugely relieved she didn’t have to do that, she loved being a boy mum. Neither of us that that personally.

You have one opportunity to turn it around. You make contact with her directly and apologise profusely, no excuses.

I don't know what part of the Mediterranean your family is from, but I can attest to the fact that if an Italian aunt asks your age, it is to make it clear that you are either "too young" or "too old" depending on the circumstances, and never as a prelude to telling you that you look great.

I think it would have been better to have asked her to tell you her age first.

I think an older person asking a youngish person about their age is fine, especially one who may (in their mind) end up marrying into the family.

Maybe she, and the wider family, value women as breeding stock, so that's why it was was relevant to her, but deal with that, don't fling about insults that will have just 'proved' you're an unsuitable prospect for her nephew irrespective of her age.

As OP is apparently in such good condition and is often asked for ID, perhaps aunt was looking out for her, wondering if nephew was pursuing a minor, or some other big age gap!