My “comeback” was equal levels rude?

[Rebes]

I am from a Mediterranean culture that can be highly misogynistic and a bit old fashioned especially in regards to women. I was talking to my partner’s aunt at a gathering (same background) when the aunt asked me my age. I knew she was trying to figure out if I’m passed it. I thought it was incredibly rude. And frankly I was just very over being judged for being 32 and unmarried. Have focused on career and travelling. So in response I asked what her bmi was. She’s overweight but nothing extreme.

Anyway, I got a phone call from boyfriend’s cousin who had a massive go at me. And I’m now not allowed to step foot in the Aunts house. Which is where everyone gathers. Bf obviously isn’t pleased.

NO ONE in bf’s family (his parents and siblings) thinks what I did was right. My mum said it was totally fair to highlight the Aunt’s rudeness. Sick to death of people judging me.

I normally bite my lip. I know it was nasty. I don’t know why she’s the only one who has a right to be offended and garner all the sympathy.

OP literally said she gets asked for ID all of the time so obviously she looks young and it’s hard to tell her age.

She also says that she prioritised her career, suggesting she’s very high up the career ladder.

If someone told me they were a neurosurgeon but looked very young then I would ask how old they are as I’d be so impressed that they’d done so well at such a young age.

If you get offended by someone asking your age then it’s because you are insecure about your age, which is no one else’s problem.

And asking someone how many kids they’ve got is a nice question to ask and a perfectly reasonable one - perhaps you struggle with social etiquette?

OP literally said she gets asked for ID all of the time so obviously she looks young and it’s hard to tell her age.

By bar tenders - because their job is on the line. Was nosey aunt about to sell alcohol to the OP?

And asking someone how many kids they’ve got is a nice question to ask and a perfectly reasonable one - perhaps you struggle with social etiquette?

Good grief - do you really struggle to imagine situations where asking someone how many children they have is rude, inappropriate and insensitive? And you think I have trouble with social etiquette? If people mention their children I would follow that up. I would never ask someone if they have children.

If you get offended by someone asking your age then it’s because you are insecure about your age, which is no one else’s problem.

That doesn't even make sense - how can anyone be "insecure" about their age? Asking someone's age is just daft and in 99% of situations completely irrelevant. I'd honestly think you (general you) were weird unless there was a good reason to ask.

Randomly asking people their age is just bad manners.

People seem to be glossing over the fact that the aunt was asking the OP's age for a very particular reason, it wasn't innocent chit-chat, it was a misogynist judgement on her status as woman who is not married and has no kids.

The OP does not have to be nice to someone who is disrespectful to her.

Woman don't have to be 'nice' or the 'bigger person'. It is perfectly fine to put people back in their place for being rude and judgemental.

I know what you mean about being a people pleaser. I was one for the vast majority of my life but from time to time I'd crack and it probably wasn't pretty.

Now I'm old and no longer feel the need to please anyone: probably the only good thing about getting old.

Anyway, that apart, I got the impression that, although she'd had dealings with the aunt before, she didn't know most of the family that well and has now, obviously, not given them the best early impression, which is a shame, given that it sounds like the aunt might be the matriarch.

OP didn't need to accept the aunt's rudeness, if indeed she was being rude, she just needed to be more subtle, or sneaky, if you will, in her method of dealing with what sounds like a difficult woman and getting across the idea that she's not to be messed with.

I think you overshot tbh. I am also a people pleaser so I absolutely see where you’re coming from and how this could have happened. But you went too far.

“younger than you!“ would have been a better comeback IMO.

Plenty of family members will know what she is like and it won’t put them off you.
It’s like a tale I once heard/read, where someone was being hectored for smoking and it being bad for their health so they said right back to a rather overweight person who had been going on at them, “Well, you are overweight because you eat too much which is unhealthy, so why do you think you can preach to me about smoking?”
They didn’t like that one bit. These people often don’t. Fuck them.

Well if you’re so immensely confident in yourself, why do you care so much about what one woman thinks? Could you not just have said “32” and left it at that? You’re not responsible for making everyone in the world think the same way you do.

Yes u agree in the context you provided, it’s okay but I am not sure if that’s what happened with op. Maybe she needs to give more details.

Because it can still be irritating. Feeling confident in yourself and not liking that other person’s intentions are to put you down have no correlation.

I get it OP. Sometimes it is fairly obvious to tell when somebody is being simply curious and when they are about to make a dig. You shut that down admirably.

Being irritated by what you presume are another person’s intentions doesn’t mean you need to escalate/attack them back. It’s possible to just answer the question directly and allow them to think what they like.

You were vedy rude to an elderly lady. Don,t minimize what you said. She was somewhat blunt asking your age ,but you totally over reacted.The damage is done now!

Hi @Rebes

I understand your reaction and how you felt furious and/or humiliated at being questioned about your age/fertility. However, your retort, which was focused on the woman’s obesity, was out of line and you have lost the moral high ground by attacking her on her appearance. Obesity is a disease, your retort was an ad hominem attack.

There really is no need for this type of argument. You need to work on being able to engage calmly on a purely intellectual level. Or, failing that, develop the ability to “kill with kindness” - that is to respond to any attacks with agreement, humour and sweetness. It’s extremely effective and gratifying.

I am not saying you have to be rude. I am only talking about being confident in yourself and still wanting to disallow an opportunity to someone to discuss something about you be it your age or appearance.

Surely you could have used intelligent wit, instead of being extremely rude and personal.

Talk about using sledge hammer to crack a nut!! I’m not surprised they don’t want you there.

Absolutely fucking stupid response from the OP. She's just gone and insulted the matriarch of her partner's family in front of everyone, over a pretty innocuous question. Well done 👏

You’ve fucked up and made yourself look like the villain of the piece because instead of being assertive, you got aggressive. You know why she was asking your age and you’re right, she would have been really rude. But she’s got plausible deniability because you just jumped right in there with a rude reply and now she looks like the wounded party and you will now be thought of as the rude bugger whom nobody likes.

You could make a grovelling apology and hope she forgives you, but she’s going to hate you forever more. Or you can tell your boyfriend that you’re not sorry, you didn’t handle it well but you made your point and he’s just going to have to attend family gatherings without you now. Either way, I wouldn’t be starting your Christmas shopping for him just yet.

My MIL once commented on the size of my feet. (I’ve come to learn body size in general is an issue for her). I asked her how she would feel if I commented on the size of her arse. She was gobsmacked and asked if I thought she had a fat arse. I pointed out I’d merely said how would she feel if I did say that. It’s the one and only time she was speechless and didn’t turn on the waterworks. In fact, I think she went off and made me a cup of tea. It was never mentioned again. (Unheard of.)

I’m not usually great in these circumstances, btw, either saying nothing or literally going nuclear. I look on that little memory with a blend of fondness / satisfaction / pride. A small victory.

I’m now wondering if she spat in that cup of tea.

I think your reply is hilarious, good for you!
wish I had your confidence in my 30’s!
Just because people are older doesn't mean we have to take every offensive , rude comment from them, respect your elders they say-how about our elders respect us!

@Rebes yes because male attention is the only thing that keeps a woman’s value and stops her from being “past it” it sounds like you haven’t really escaped the backwards thinking either. Your comment was out of line and I’d reflect on your attitude towards age and what makes someone have value.

Asking someone’s age is extremely common. Asking someone’s BMI is horrible. YABVU.

Age, date of birth, is the way you are identified at our GPs surgery. If you arrive for an appointment you either type in your date of birth or, if the machine is not working, tell the receptionist. Perhaps I should counter by asking the BMI of the receptionist. I am not sure why they use d.o.b. as the magic password, no doubt other people sometimes hear. However, your age is very much part of who you are. Sometimes, shock, horror, people are proud of how old they are.

I personally don’t think there is such a thing as a “woman being left in the shelf”. Disgusting view. And one that I wholeheartedly reject.

So do the vast majority of people I'd imagine but most of us can have a conversation rather than resorting to deliberate insults.

If you get offended by someone asking your age then it’s because you are insecure about your age, which is no one else’s problem.
By that logic there's an equal argument that if you get offended by someone asking your BMI then it's because you are insecure about your weight, which is no-one else's problem.