To feel fed up about us struggling on DH low salary

[HumphreysGang]

Does anyone else have a DH who earns as little as £56,500 salary?
My DH does and it is so difficult to survive financially on his low salary in the SE.
I am surrounded by friends whose husbands all earn well in excess of £100,000+ a year. The difference in lifestyle, including affordability of house size, extensions, cars, holidays, etc. is huge. They are all living the dream and we are struggling to death.
Just wondering if anyone else has a husband on this level of low salary?
And yes I work. 30 hours a week. My money pays for extras. His is the main income to cover the major costs (except it doesn't and we are permanently in the red).
He'll never earn more as he's at top of his salary point.
Nor will I due to our SEN DC and their needs which have severely thwarted my previous plans for career progression.

Two choices - leave him and find some rich dude to give you the life you want, or up your hours and you find a better job that equals his pay or more. Either way - you sound like the type of person that will never be happy. Buy second hand uniforms. Batch cook. Buy only supermarket brand - lidl or aldi. Public transport. Move to a smaller house, change schools so its closer. Jesus -so much you can do, but you just want to slag off your husbands perceived low salary. Do you know how many people on here earn significantly less than him and you? Read the room.

Thanks for posting this, Purplebunnie. Very useful information for a lot of Mumsnetters.

I’m wondering if someone at OP’s school is making money from the deal with the pricy uniform supplier.

I think you are massively unreasonable to just be pointing the blame at him, and not looking at your own earning ability.

It’s a decent salary, he’s not doing anything ‘wrong’.

If your kids are teens you really should be able to work more than 30 hours a week. Or, you could look for better paid work?

Its not obligatory for the man to be the breadwinner…

OP you need better friends. Either ones in the same income bracket as you or ones that have enough class not to rub their income/lifestyle in your face.

Also you can claim DLA for DC with SEND even if you both work.

If you think your earning power could be greater than DHs, could he go part time with DC and you go for a full time promotion?

I earn just less than that and am a single parent. I worked job share on half that sakary until a few years ago. I own my own home, brought up 2 children and yes we have holidays. I do drive an old car because it gets me from A to B and what it looks like doesn’t matter. We are happy. We also don’t live in London. Maybe you should consider moving elsewhere if your joint income doesn’t meet your lifestyle expectations. Your husband is supposed to be the man you love for better or worse, not a cash cow.

The salary won’t go as far as you’d expect, so I understand why it might feel difficult. BUT you are being unreasonable for expecting your husband to be the main earner. You have to focus on your own potential achievements, and consider if your earning power is more, your husband could help more with childcare.

I’m the main earner in my household, and while it would be nice if husband earned more, I only focus on my own potential, as you can’t moan if you don’t put the work in yourself!

This is such a common view on MN and I really don’t understand it!

There was a thread about a women who refused to be with a man who earned under a certain amount because she wanted her future DCs to have a parent who works hard - but she earned minimum wage and had no plans of trying to improve even though she was childless.

I assumed all the posters would think she was batshit but so many agreed with her and said they felt the same!

I will never understand the mindset that it’s important for a man to earn a certain amount but not a woman.

OP have you ever heard the phrase comparison is the thief of joy?

I don’t live in the SE and appreciate it is expensive but the wages can also be higher. That is a decent salary. So what if your acquaintances have extensions etc. those are nice to haves and not essentials

People I know could only dream of that sort of salary and are barely surviving, not worrying about being able to have the fancier things in life

Schools are only allowed a certain amount of logo items now. If it doesnt fit with the guidelines (which are online) then buy plain same coloured items from the supermarket. Does your school not have second hand sales? Write to your MP about the school if they are breaking the logo item rules.

It’s because they can’t actually be bothered to put the work in.

Some women like the idea they will be looked after, and why not I suppose it’s easy.

I earn £15000 per year and pay my rent, council tax, pet insurance, some credit bills, transport and food out of that.

My partner earns more but also pays bills out that.

We're not on 56k combined and we're in the SE too.

No top ups.

I'm in scotland, my kids school uniform comes from ASDA, 2 pinafores or trousers for £10, pack of 5 shorts, pack of 5 polo shirts, pack of 5 jumpers. Cardigans in packs of 2.

You live an expensive lifestyle.

You're not aone but it's not bad and in time you'll be better off, that's just how it goes for most of us. As long as you get by and can manage a few simple pleasures, you'll be OK but I do remember how demoralising it is when you are going through it, counting every penny and forever in the red.

What is your house like? I know youngish familes who live in tiny places because that is all they can afford. The mortgage rates and fuel bills went up alarmingly nearly three years ago and that caused great hardship. However they survive somehow and still have some fun.

What?

I'm so sorry that you're poor 😢

Op - are you putting your income in the pot for the bills? From what you’ve written, it seems your expectation is that he pays the bills, which his salary can’t afford, and you pay the extras. That isn’t how it should work. You both put your income in the pot, all bills are paid first, then any left over is for the extras.

Comparison is the thief of joy as my mum used to say. Get yourself some poorer friends and you will feel better about life! My DH earns 32k but our broader life feels rich and he is a decent man.

Ok, you need to help me understand why he’s the issue when you’re the low earner, otherwise it’s like we teleported back to the 1950s. If you want more earn it.

Why do you earn so little? I work 30hrs a week and bring home 25k. I have no degree. Gcses and a levels only.

Mumsnet has made me feel very demoralised this morning. First I read the thread where people visited a supposed friend's house and judged them on the basis of their food value (the beige, Iceland buffet), and now someone complaining about earning 'as low' as this salary that's well above mine. I can't remember when I last felt so inadequate before 11am 😬!

No me neither, I can’t get my head round it. The op seems to think it’s totally fine for her to just earn and pay for extras and somehow it’s his job to earn the money to pay for them, it’s insane.

OP isn't aspiring to anything though. She's disappointed because her husband isn't meeting her aspirations.

Not sure why you're blaming your husband's earning power and ignoring your own. Because you have three options.
Leave him and hope to find a higher earning man to give you a wealthier lifestyle.
Change your life so you can manage on a lower salary, stop worrying about keeping up with the Joneses, consider a cheaper area.
Improve your own career so you can pay for the lifestyle you want yourself.

OP is in the SE. That income would make it hard to live there.

Many people earn less than you do as a family. Decide what's best for you and take action. If you don't act, stop moaning. It's as simple as that.

I'd suggest you relocate where property etc is less expensive. Yes it's upheaval but your standard of living would be much better.

Most schools have second unform sold through PTFA or similar.
Ive just kitted one out for secondary and 1/2 of it was through the second hand uniform shop.
When my older one was heading to a different secondary there wasn’t a ptfa uniform shop but I got some things via a local Facebook page so I definitely think second hand is the way to go