To feel fed up about us struggling on DH low salary

[HumphreysGang]

Does anyone else have a DH who earns as little as £56,500 salary?
My DH does and it is so difficult to survive financially on his low salary in the SE.
I am surrounded by friends whose husbands all earn well in excess of £100,000+ a year. The difference in lifestyle, including affordability of house size, extensions, cars, holidays, etc. is huge. They are all living the dream and we are struggling to death.
Just wondering if anyone else has a husband on this level of low salary?
And yes I work. 30 hours a week. My money pays for extras. His is the main income to cover the major costs (except it doesn't and we are permanently in the red).
He'll never earn more as he's at top of his salary point.
Nor will I due to our SEN DC and their needs which have severely thwarted my previous plans for career progression.

wind up thread🤔

I think it is OPs tone deafness to the plight of others on much lower incomes that is grating. "Struggling to death" must surely win an award for hyperbole.

You’re trolling right?

Am confused about how your salary is for extras but you end up in the red? If you cut the extras and both salaries were spent on essentials would you still end up in the red each month?
Is your inability to earn more because you can’t spare any more hours or don’t have the mental bandwidth to deal with a more demanding/well paid role?
If you are living beyond your combined income you need to either increase what is coming in or reduce what is going out. You need to be on top of where every penny goes to identify savings.
You cannot live the same lifestyle as higher earning friends without going into debt and adding stress.

I know this is bait but I'll bite.

DH earns £30k. I can't work because I'm disabled. I don't claim any benefits - I tried to claim pip a few years ago but was told that having rheumatoid arthritis which means I can barely walk some days, always in pain and living with horrendous side effects of medication doesn't make me eligible. So it's just his salary.

Tbf it's not a bad wage where we are. We can afford the odd treat but we have never been on holiday, Christmas is a bit blah, never be able to buy a home and him learning to drive is a pipe dream. In our 50s so things aren't likely to change. It was tough when DS was little but he's doing brilliantly, went to uni and is now a vet. So we must have done something right!

The future is scary, we can't afford to pay into pensions or anything and I haven't been able to work since 2000 so no state pension for me. And no savings.

But day to day, we're happy. We have each other and I don't compare myself to anyone else, which helps.

So again -

Income from both is .... how much?

Outgoings are ...
Mortgage
Bills
Food
Phones / Internet / entertainment
Car costs
etc

The uniform requirement is illegal. Message your local mp about it, also speak to chair of governors & pta. Only allowed 3 logo items now.

I get it. We got on the housing ladder stupidly late, and have a ginormous mortgage on a normal 3 bed house. Im 53 and my husband is 49. He's the main wage earner, and it’s been really difficult to get him to understand that we won’t pay this off until he's 78 and I’m 83 unless he gets another job that pays better. Which he could do easily. Nevertheless we have to move somewhere outside of the south east within 5 years. With two kids, one in uni and one about to go, I’d like to be able to put money aside to help them get on the housing ladder too… My career stalled when I had kids, and my earning power now is minuscule compared to his. It’s rotten that so much depends in him, it’s a lot of pressure. But it is what it is, there’s no point in saying otherwise.

You are entitled to child benefit.
You can still claim disability benefits for your dc, assuming their level of disability qualifies.

Hyperbole aside, I can understand the point OP was putting across albeit it was very clumsily put. Cost of living increases effect everyone, and when you are surrounded by people who are on much higher salaries, it puts a spotlight on your own circumstances and makes it feel a lot worse.

Obviously if we step back and look at the big picture, OP and her DH have a decent household income. It may not be fantastic for the SE in more affluent areas, but it is still decent. Housing costs are the main killer, but it is a personal choice at the end of the day.

Sounds like OP was having a bad day and wanted a vent, but just didn’t choose her words well. Yes, we could say ‘well why don’t you just look to increase your income instead of slagging off your DH etc’ and while true, I think this poster isn’t really looking for solutions, as there are not any easy ones.

Best thing has already been said- comparison is the thief of joy. Work with what you have and budget. Feels crap if you’ve lived relatively freely before on the same salaries, but it’s just the reality of life.

I’d try PIP again.
Also did you claim CB ? That gives you NI credits.

You could swap and earn more, relocate to a cheaper area or find better friends

I do struggle slightly with my DH earning 20k a year but he's happy and fulfilled. Our joint income is slightly over your husband's. We hang out with teachers mainly so none of us have foreign holidays, we cook for each other so don't eat out. Our quality of life is good.

Surround yourself with different friends, on average income or thereabouts, and you'll see how lucky you are
If you're struggling on £50k+ are you possibly overspending on trying to keep up with your £100k+ friends?

If it is a few years since you tried to claim pip would it be worth another try. If you do get help in completing the form from something like CAB.

OP even if your husbands salary is all taken up by bills then yours is at least £1500 a month spare, you would of been absolutely fine buying the school uniform if you manage your money.
It really does seem like you have the same as most normal people but you're trying to pretend to be like your 100k friends.

Why ia the answer to a woman wanting a better lifestyle for the man to earn more?

Hahahaha oh you poor soul!

My husband earns £34.5k and I earn £35k, and guess what….we have 3-4 abroad holidays a year, have a 4bed house, both drive cars and have a great life with our two young kids. The difference with us is that we live within our means and don’t try and compare ourselves to our friends. I have friends on over £100k and they have less holidays, less days out, seem more stressed out BUT they live in immaculate homes and drive brand new cars and will only shop at Waitrose and have to keep up appearances. I couldn’t care less what people think about me because I’m not in competition with anyone. The only people I’m trying to impress are my kids and creating a childhood that will be rememberable.

How about stop focusing on the amount your husband earns and keeping up with your friends and instead realise that your husband earns a good salary and your expectations are set too high. 🙄

Is your husband self-employed or part-time? Surely that salary, if full-time, is below NMW?

My husband earns similar but a bit less than this. I work very part time because I'm a carer for our disabled kid . We live in the SE. We're doing just fine. We have a very old car and we don't get to go holiday much, but couldn't with our son anyway. But we have enough. We live to our means and I consider ourselves lucky that we don't have to stress about every bill. I know plenty of people who do.
Stop comparing yourselves to others and enjoy what you do have.

Apart from on Mumsnet, where pretty much everyone is earning 6 figures. Apart from me, obviously.

Just dont buy the branded uniform that is madness.
300pcm council tax, what band is the house? If higher than C you can move to a band A or B you know. Victorian houses are often much lower bands than the equivalent size house built more recently.

Just downsizing in general might be the way to look at things.
For eg
Lower c tax band house (long term not realistic in short term)
Budget food shop lidl batch cook freezer meals, no ready made food of any kind, no take aways or meals out
Get the odd dvd off the market for a quid, cancel all streaming services / sky etc.
Agressively shop around using MSE for internet and phone deals, go sim only, no handset loans. To replace phones get amazon used.
School uniform as stated, second hand or unbranded cheap stuff.
No new clothes or shoes unless absolutely necessary.
Dont throw out old stuff, agressively sell on vinted for low prices so it actually sells. Declutter and sell things as much as you can.
On and on it goes.
Boring AF but its the way to go. Build new habits. Set yourself the challenge of a no spend week, no spend month, enjoy taking your power back!
Over time the financial pressures will reduce and you will start feeling like you can actually live your life.
Ignore the people saying the income is enough, its not, the only way to make it enough is to cut lifestyle massively, for a long time, and then build back up from there.

The increase in costs has really made some people struggle. If your wages are used for extras or whatever phrase you used, and you still have money for the extras, that’s not really struggling.

Does the phrase 'cut your cloth' mean anything to you?
That is a very good salary so the problem is your outgoings not your incomings.

I know school uniform is only part of your expenses, but worth having a chat with the school. I mentioned I was concerned about the cost of uniform and was told they have a roomful of second hand clothes I was welcome to go through. Also, I found there was actually some flexibility on certain items.

Admittedly you're paying £95pm more Council tax than we are, but maybe you're running a lot bigger house. A breakdown of your costs might be helpful, as many are saying you should be able to live on what you're earning, but maybe there are things going on that we don't realise.

I like the way everyone in the SE supposedly earns over £100 !
All those junior staff in the public sector, all the pensioners who worked in ordinary jobs. All the staff working on farms.
They don’t. Never have.
There are people who do ‘earn’ that much and do live there. But by no means do all the people who live there earn that amount of money.
Ditto other corners of the UK.