To feel fed up about us struggling on DH low salary

[HumphreysGang]

Does anyone else have a DH who earns as little as £56,500 salary?
My DH does and it is so difficult to survive financially on his low salary in the SE.
I am surrounded by friends whose husbands all earn well in excess of £100,000+ a year. The difference in lifestyle, including affordability of house size, extensions, cars, holidays, etc. is huge. They are all living the dream and we are struggling to death.
Just wondering if anyone else has a husband on this level of low salary?
And yes I work. 30 hours a week. My money pays for extras. His is the main income to cover the major costs (except it doesn't and we are permanently in the red).
He'll never earn more as he's at top of his salary point.
Nor will I due to our SEN DC and their needs which have severely thwarted my previous plans for career progression.

Are yo u always in the red because you have to live in an expensive place cos of work? Given how low in the ladder yo u think he is, has he looked for work in cheaper areas where he'd earn similar salaries? ., 9or are you in the red keeping up with your rich friends?

What is your salary and what can you do to increase it? Sounds like that moeny needs to go in the basic costs pot not the extras. You can't afford extras if you're in the red.

Are you claiming DLA for DS?

I think the problem is the circle you mix with, you’re comparing yourself to others who are higher earners.
Im not sure I understand about your wages covering the ‘extras’ if you are in the red each month perhaps it would be better for all household income to go into one pot and see what is left at the end of the month.
You seem to think the lack of money is solely down to your husband?
You’ll be entitled to child benefit as he isn’t over the threshold, and see if he is under the threshold for marriage tax allowance.
You don’t sound like you like him very much tbh..

This is the trouble when you only compare 'up' OP. Look around, think of all of the things taken for granted and what life would be like without them.
When I was a young mum I'd often not have enough for a food shop and at times even now decades later, I catch myself as I load a trolley full of shopping into the boot of my car and say a prayer of thanks to the universe.
Its not about cars, hols etc its all about recognising little joys and finding ways to help each other- the magic really is in the mundane you know!

That's not a low salary. Obviously it pays for less than a salary twice the size. it also pays for more that a minimum wage income.

She works 30 hours, it's not that easy to find a job that's only 7 hours a week evenings only and it's guaranteed to be minimum wage. Take out commuting costs if it's a couple of hours several nights or the sleep costs if its one night where she's still expected to be up and functional the next day, it probably isn't worth it. She needs to focus on improving her main job not work through the night and not sleep

Why do you write about your husband as if he's a faulty household appliance that you somehow got saddled with through no fault of your own? As opposed to someone you presumably chose to marry having taken into account all the things you found important in a partner? If he's at the top of his salary point now, presumably you knew what his career was when you met, and therefore knew what the top of his salary point would be?

DH and I live in SE, both work full time and both earn similar amounts to your DH. We have 3 young DS’ aged 7, 5 and 3. Our middle son suffers from Global Developmental Delay and we claim DLA for him. I also work in Emergency Services and do shifts. We have no family to help with childcare support. My elder sister and some friends earn considerably more than we do. We don’t have an extravagant life style at all due to childcare costs and various other reasons. Yes it’s hard but I never compare myself to others as I would be miserable all the time. You can work full time even with a child with SEN. It’s hard but definitely doable if you want to change your lifestyle to fit in more with your friends.

You don’t get PIP and child DLA at the same time, so your figures are very out in terms of benefits.

Comparison is the thief of joy, OP. Your friends may be richer, but I’m sure you realise your household income is above average. The median UK salary is below £40,000, I’ve just looked it up. DH and I have never earned your kind of income, and we enjoy a comfortable and active life.

I’m sorry your career progression has been stalled by your children’s SEN, and I sympathise if their needs use up a lot of your income.

But I really do advise you to get out of debt as fast as you can. Can you look at your household spending and weed out what you don’t need? Being in debt is depressing and destabilising, and on your income I hope you can budget your way out of it.

Jealousy will get you nowhere

Do you want actual advice? If so you’ll need to give more details. There’s often great suggestions on money threads about reducing costs, increasing earnings, benefit entitlement. If you’re not even claiming child benefit and you’re permanently in the red but also spending a whole salary on “extras” it’s likely there are some relatively simple things you could do to improve your finances. Also if dc are limiting your work options there might be people in similar situations with advice on what support is available to maybe give you some time back.

Without any details it’s hard to give this kind of advice that might actually improve your situation, and it leaves only the surface-level reading. Unfortunately it does then come across a bit silly and entitled, even if that’s not the truth of the situation.

YABU and tone deaf. £56k may not pay for all you want but it is not a low salary. Go and get a better job yourself if you want more money. I’ll be furious if my sons end up with someone like you that just sees them as a meal ticket.

Mine earns minum wage as a labourer.

Look into DLA. We got it for my youngest who has autism. It isn’t means tested. Looking online for 2 minutes will inform you of that.

You can get DLA if your child has needs above and beyond an average child of the same age. Doesn't matter if you work.

I think its a good wage though and it not on your husband. It's on the family unit.

I wouldn't necessarily call this a low salary but I do think I'd struggle in your circumstances to be honest. Cost of living is pretty high in the South East.

It's irrelevant if others earn the same without knowing your outgoings. To some people that's a perfectly adequate amount.
Are you entitled to any benefits if you're unable to work more due to children with disabilities?
Could you move to a less expensive area? How much is your mortgage etc?

Honestly it's no money at all.
Massive increase in mortgage rate.
Massive increase in water meter charges.
Massive increase in electric and gas.
Massive increase in council tax which is now £300 a month!!!!
Massive increase in food - our teen DC eat never ending amounts of food.
Expensive petrol.
2 cars to run as we both need a car to get to and to do our jobs.
Endless money needed on kids clothes, shoes, school uniform.
Crucified by our DC school uniform who insist on school logo wear. Bought 1 PE top and 1 PE shorts for each child, have to ho to a specialist shop to buy it which is a 40 minute drive away from the school, and paid £100. Yes, £100 for 2 PE tshirts and 2 PE shorts that have to have the school logo and be purchased from this one special shop that sells it. That's only the PE kit. Next I move on to the new school shirts, expensive logo blazers, expensive logo jumpers, trousers, specific school skirts, school shoes, stationary - every August costs me hundreds of pounds on school wear. I'm so angry about this that I emailed the Head about all this compulsory logo overly expensive uniform for a bog standard state school and his lengthy word salad response could be basically translated as "tough".
I honestly don't know how anyone earning less than this with a mortgage IN THE SE (area is completely relevant) copes.
We are practically crying at the end of each month.
One car needs fixing and we can't even afford to book it in for repair, it's awful to not be able to afford to repair a 10 year old car.
Also 2 kids is vastly more expensive than 1 so can't compare that either.
DH earns more per hour than me so no sense in swapping our hours as some have suggested.

Where I live that is a good salary. I appreciate if you are in London it wouldn't be. Can you downsize? Change your cars?

Your 30 hours (even on min wage) + 56K of DH is more than 100K of a sole earner due to personal allowance
YABU

People earning above NMW are allowed to be disappointed. I'm on 56k, a qualified accountant and 55 years old. Main earner. Are we really not supposed to aspire to anything but just be grateful we exist? Wages as a percentage of the economy has tanked while earnings get extracted to private equity

It’s so weird for the OP to basically say her husband’s salary is to pay the bills and hers is for extras. Surely all income goes into the pot and expenses, savings, fun money is allocated accordingly.

How much disposable income do you have after bills? Do you budget? I've been putting money aside for a few months for DS £300 uniform costs. Have you just let it all come at once?
Maybe you need a better handle on your money?

Tbh you sound like the type of person to be dissatisfied regardless of husband/ family income. It must be very stressful being a keep-up- with the Joneses' type.

Is there no way to buy second hand? They don't make any allowances for, say, cheaper non branded uniform in the school colours?

I'd be tempted to put the kids in non branded stuff that's in the right colours and if they get excluded for it, go to the press.