To feel fed up about us struggling on DH low salary

[HumphreysGang]

Does anyone else have a DH who earns as little as £56,500 salary?
My DH does and it is so difficult to survive financially on his low salary in the SE.
I am surrounded by friends whose husbands all earn well in excess of £100,000+ a year. The difference in lifestyle, including affordability of house size, extensions, cars, holidays, etc. is huge. They are all living the dream and we are struggling to death.
Just wondering if anyone else has a husband on this level of low salary?
And yes I work. 30 hours a week. My money pays for extras. His is the main income to cover the major costs (except it doesn't and we are permanently in the red).
He'll never earn more as he's at top of his salary point.
Nor will I due to our SEN DC and their needs which have severely thwarted my previous plans for career progression.

My DH used to earn similar and I worked full time in a minimum wage role...we live in London very comfortably... although no we aren't on endless holidays and building 100k extensions.

Your post is quite mean op...your DH works, you work, surely you're a team?

Yes it’s not much to support a family in the SE .

!!!! we earn £35k each, its not amazing obviously more would be welcome, however we are careful, live in a small house not to overstretch ourself on the mortgage, don't have new cars, careful with our food shop, don't have sky/virgin but do swap around with Netflix etc. Don't have the latest phones. We can afford some nice treats each year, usually a week abroad maybe on a Greek island, a few luxury UK city breaks. I feel quite privileged

This was my thought too.

OP why is your salary for extras if you're in the red all the time and his money doesnt cover the bills? Pay your essentials first, live within your means. Stop comparing youre life to others.

I live alone and manage on a salary much less than your husband's.

She should get her ‘ducks in a row’ and divorce him!!

Child benefit is not an out of work benefit and your DH isn’t over the threshold. Surely if your children’s Sen is so severe that it’s still limiting your ability to work they must be eligible for DLA, which again is not linked to working.

My partner earns nothing, I work and we are on UC with a child with SEN. We have around 2500-3000 a month to live off and make it work, our rent is 1000. Struggling to death! You need to go and live in someone else's shoes.

Saw another thread the other day about not being able to afford to live comfortably wanting abroad holidays, a meal out a week etc. People need to stop comparing themselves to others.

We manage to eat out maybe once a month, do 2-3 cheap UK breaks a year and have a lovely time together! Do I sometimes wish we could afford more? Yes, but my son is happy and thriving and that is all that matters

You can’t compare the average wage with incomes in the SE. House prices are several times higher in much of London to many parts of the UK. If you can buy a house for £200k on a £50k salary that’s very different from it costing £600-800k.

You will be entitled to child benefit and DLA/PIP though as no one earns over £60k for CB and DLA and PIP aren’t means tested.

You are entitled to DLA for the children. It's not means tested/based on income.

My DH earns less than that, I earn similar. If you relocate from the south east your money will go much further. We live on the English/Welsh border and quite comfortable financially, we aren't flush but have a very nice life, can afford regular UK breaks away plus the occasional overseas holiday, and we can afford for our kids to do school trips, attend clubs etc. To us, that is success.

Assuming you're not taking the piss...

Ok, it's an above average salary. Not sufficient for living a life of luxury (especially in the south east) but not the sort of salary that it sounds good to complain about.

Many people are way way way worse off than you.

Expensive houses, holidays, extensions etc are not necessary for living a good life or for raising happy children. Nor does having these things mean a person is 'living the dream.' It might look like they are from the outside, and perhaps these people are truly happy. Perhaps they're not. All the money and material stuff in the world can end up feeling meaningless if you don't have a loving, supportive family and the chance to feel fulfilled in other ways. Given how much time we spend at work, having a job that is actually interesting and fulfilling and sustainable for us to cope with is also significant - it's not just about the salary. Your DH is not a work horse who exists to fund bloody house extensions. It is our responsibility to try our best to live within our means (although of course shitty situations can come our way and make that impossible no matter how hard we try, but it's surely something to aim for rather than wishing the money supply were greater).

If you are surrounded by wealthier people, it is understandable to feel pressure to keep up and perhaps down about how your own life seems by comparison. Loads of people would struggle with this. I'm not sure I would feel immune, however much I'm preaching now about this stuff not being that important. Ultimately though it's up to each of us to decide what we choose to value in life and where we're going to focus our attention. You sound like you have a lot on your plate. Maybe some self-compassion and acceptance of your situation, and a practical discussion with your DH about how to make your money stretch further and save towards goals, could help you go get out of this rut. And you need to challenge the idea that having more stuff would make you happy.

The difference in lifestyle, including affordability of house size, extensions, cars, holidays, etc. is huge.

Is it? Because £100,000+ doesn't go as far in the SE as it used to either.

At any rate, the difference in lifestyle etc between you and the average person in the UK (because the deprived and crap areas do exist and need to be included) will be far, far greater.

Stop comparing yourself to others.

Big cars, new clothes and expensive holidays aren't what make a good, happy life.

Go and retrain and earn more than your husband. That’s what I did. My salary is about £25k more than my husband now. Stop moaning, your husband is not your wage slave.

I dont understand this response...

If your husband paid into his pension you'd be entitled to childbenefit, assuming he isnt and excluding that... its a salary of approx 95k

DLA isn't means tested
PIP isn't means tested

Assuming this isnt a wind up, your phrasing is ridiculous OP.

I appreciate your income doesn't go far in the expensive South East but a) obviously some earn less given your husband's salary is well above average and b) the gender assumptions are daft.

Surely you knew about his potential for earning when you decided to marry and have children with the man? How do you think he'd feel if he read this?

You have two choices really - adjust your household earnings to match your lifestyle and desires to have the same as your friends so get better earning jobs.

The second is adjust your lifestyle to match your salaries. If you can not get more money in, you are going to have to live with it and stop hankering after better things.

Most importantly is stop comparing yourself to others.

This is hilarious! I get that it’s all relative but that is not a small salary and many are seriously struggling on far less money than that. You sound quite privileged so worth reflecting on what you do have! Some families don’t make that with 2 people working!!

Why don’t you get a better job then?

Really? If you want the money go and earn it for yourself and please don't use excuses of having a child etc.

I can't believe the entitlement in this post.

That’s a shame.

Go find yourself a rich man as you obviously feel you deserve better.

What a nasty little post. Why don’t you earn some more money if it bothers you 🙄

Then I feel very very sorry for you (and your DH) and your perspective on what you value in life.

So much of how we feel about this stuff depends on those around us. We have many middle class well off friends with six figure salaries...but I also work with people who can't even afford a meal deal the day before pay day.