AIBU to want more time to myself as a SAHM?

[Dodorogers]

How much time to myself/time to fill my cup is normal/okay? I have a two and a bit year old, post natal anxiety really took away my ability to spend any time away from him I am also doing SAHM for now. So in the week I have my DS all the time except Monday afternoon/evening when he goes to my mums, in this time I normally either lie on the sofa feeling dreadful (PMDD) or do all the house work and things that need doing. DP does bathtime and in that time I take our dog for a walk, this is pretty much the only time I have to myself in the day. I want to have a bit more time to feel like myself again but I feel so guilty the minute I ask or go to do it, so my question is what is reasonable/where do I start?

You should have at least an hour a day or me time and an hour to wash and look after yourself
also some hours at the weekend or an evening out once a week

why don’t you join a gym wit a creche

Sounds like you do have some time. A chunk on a Monday and a fresh air child free. What about when your dc is in bed? Do you not get time then? Your set up sounds very typical for a SAHP with a toddler.

Currently no, I generally go to bed with him as his sleep has been dreadful due to medical issues. I mean more for doing things that I used to but I guess I need to try and do more on a Monday

thank you, I guess it is things like not having chance to make myself feel like I look alright too, I look like a totally different person to pre baby!

That sounds like a lot, I don't have anywhere near that and never have since having DC1 who is 4 years old.
No way do I get an hour a day just to myself to do what I wnat. Great for those who can but it might not be a realistic expectation.

Part of it I suppose is my DP has nights away monthly and at least one evening a week out but last Saturday I went to an art class for a few hours and that was the first time since having him and I have seen my friend twice this year for a few hours in the evening

Just to say I don’t want my Dp to stop this and think it’s important he has this time

Your set up sounds pretty good to me. It was more time alone than I ever had with three young children but I guess it’s all about perspective. If you have an opportunity to have a second evening out then take it I no guess 🤷🏼‍♀️

There are a number of funded groups for mums in your situation in my town, where they get to do a hobby during the day and the babies go to a creche, for mums struggling with MH.

Can you look into what's available near you?

I think you get a fair amount tbh, certainly more than I did at that stage, but I understand that need to feel more yourself. I think you may find it's more about doing a hobby you love than having time "off".

You'd get funded childcare I believe, the term after your child turns 3, could your mum do an extra afternoon temporarily until then?

And / or could you find a weekly evening hobby and DP has toddler that evening, or try to find something for the evening your mum has your DC?

If you're getting a full afternoon/evening off a week at this point I'd say you're doing fairly well. Maybe take up an evening hobby once a week? It sounds like the issue might be that you feel you don't have enough of your own identity rather than just time to yourself. Can you and your partner get up a bit earlier so you've both had time to shower and get ready for the day before he leaves for work?

I'm a SAHM, I don't really get any regular time to myself during the day until they start preschool but they do take them from 2 at our village school. So mine have both done 2 mornings a week from that point.

What time does your DP get home from work.

Realistically this is when you can go out.

However, it is also the time you will least feel like going out due to tiredness.

Try to leave the house before your child’s bedtime so you won’t be drawn into lying down with him.

Do this once a week at least!

The other thing I found good was joining toddler groups. The groups themselves are tedious but hopefully you will find a couple of mums who will want to go to a coffee shop afterwards so you can chat to other adults (even if it will be mostly about kids).

Carve out time to get your hair done, any treatments you used to get that you’d like to continue, browse around the shops on your own. I tend to do this one Saturday a month. I always go for coffee and have a small meal out with a glass of wine before returning home.

Agree, don't think I know many mums or dads who get more than a few minutes between work/housework/caring. If you can, though, that's great.

Sorry yeah wasnt clear it isnt about being by myself it is that time to do something but I see I am doing well with the afternoon I have currently so will just get on with it

The job of a SAHP is to take care of the baby and the house while the other parent is at work. If your husband is home, time should be split between him watching your child (so you can get a break), you watching your child (so he can get a break), and you all doing something together as a family.

I don’t want time away from my son i just want a couple of hours a week so I can do some exercise or some drawing or talk to someone. I just wondered if it is something people do as a mum to a toddler like go out and see a friend or have a hobby as I don’t have anyone to ask and I guess I have just had a very hard week and feel like my cup is empty whereas my partner is off on a bike packing trip week after next and yesterday all day and Wednesday evening doing hobbies and I have tomorrow afternoon but I have to do loads of things round the house and drive two hours to drop my son off

Original post should’ve said time for myself in the week not time to myself in the day as that is what I am asking really

I think people have completely missed that you were clinically unwell after your childs birth and that does have a knock on affect for a long time after. Why people need to compare and say you are doing better than others is beyond me. When you have struggled, its often hard to use time productively. Please dont get on it with as you just said. If you are struggling, you are struggling.

Why dont you write out a timeline of what you do each day and then a seperate list of what you would like to do. Then see what you can fit in, start small. I had post partum anxiety after a traumatic event. That was nearly 3 years ago and it changes you.

It doesn’t sound like much time off if you have to drive two hours to get it.
I think if your dp gets regular nights off so should you, talk to him about how you are really missing evenings to yourself and would like to schedule one a week like he does.

How old is your son?

you have Monday afternoons, a dog walk on your own each day and presumably also all the time once your child is in bed. Do they also have naps in the day?

see if sometimes on the weekend your partner can have your son whilst you go out but would find once a month or so (not set routine) reasonable there.

what are you wanting to do with the time. I think it’s probably about looking at what you want to do and the time you have and seeing how you can fit the activities in to the time you have.

Are you putting up a barrier though?
You could go out in the evening, like your partner does, and someone has already said that but you have said you need to sleep with your son. Do you really need to sleep with him or is this part of your anxiety? Perhaps it would be good for you to have a set evening where you do go out to break this cycle. See if there is an art/craft club, book club, gym class whatever you fancy. Good luck.

can you go to some exercise class or whatever else it is you want to do once your son is in bed if you’re partner is there or on a sat morning?

otherwise can you do the dog walk earlier in the day with your son or later once he’s in bed and use the dog walk time for other exercise

What do you think single parents get in terms of time to themselves? Every Monday afternoon and evening and a solo dog walk everyday is good. I would never be a SAHP and it seems like it isn’t good for you. Go back to work and get some worth back in your life that isn’t just being a mother. Or do more in the evenings to get out.

What's stopping you going out in the evening or weekends? What time are you looking for?

I’ve never co-slept with my DC, so maybe I’m wrong here, but surely getting your DC to sleep in his own bed alone would really help here?

In have 3 young DC, work full-time, and get an hour to myself every evening from 8-9pm once they are in bed. I usually do a workout and then have a bath. DH will either do a workout with me or go for a run. I can’t imagine losing that precious time in the evenings, it would really affect my mental heath.

Think one afternoon-evening a week is perfectly reasonable when your a sahm. Otherwise you may as well go back to work.