AIBU to want more time to myself as a SAHM?

[Dodorogers]

How much time to myself/time to fill my cup is normal/okay? I have a two and a bit year old, post natal anxiety really took away my ability to spend any time away from him I am also doing SAHM for now. So in the week I have my DS all the time except Monday afternoon/evening when he goes to my mums, in this time I normally either lie on the sofa feeling dreadful (PMDD) or do all the house work and things that need doing. DP does bathtime and in that time I take our dog for a walk, this is pretty much the only time I have to myself in the day. I want to have a bit more time to feel like myself again but I feel so guilty the minute I ask or go to do it, so my question is what is reasonable/where do I start?

Martyr Olympics going on here. What’s with all the people putting the boot onto the OP because she seems to be getting an hour or two more ‘down time’ than they are.
You should be getting the same (or at least a fair) amount of child-free time as your husband. You need some re-charge time and, if you’re also sleeping with your child (all night???) I doubt you’re getting a good night’s rest either.
Maybe that’s the first thing to address; the sleeping arrangements. You haven’t said what the medical issues are that mean you have to be with him at night but is there any wiggle room here so that your DH can do a share?
You sound ground down and that’s awful. You say you think it’s important your husband has his hobby time - how about prioritising yourself a bit more?
Parenting doesn’t have to mean burying yourself in it.

It sounds like your partner would be willing to support you doing something in an evening, so find a class or something you’d like to do regularly and make it happen. No one else can make that time for you.

your. Hike is also coming for pre school age, so once he’s settled into a pre school you will have plenty of time to fill will things you enjoy.

Saying I only go out for a meal once every few weeks does not mean I am overwhelmed by adult life - how insulting. I am perfectly capable of managing a to work full time in a high pressure job and raise my children. It just means that I don’t have heaps of free time. I am also not complaining, I am very satisfied with my life, all I stated is that not every mum of young children is going out socialising multiple times a week.

I think a useful start is to think how much time you'd have if you had a job. Then if you currently have less, who picks up the slack? Does your husband have more free time than you, so could reasonably asked to do more? Or if you're both flat out, what outside help could you bring in? Then you need to factor in the fact that you're currently unwell, and temporarily need extra time to recover. Think about when this needs to be, and again, how can you fill the gap?

As a sahm I didn't have any childcare available when mine was that age. When DH wasn't at work we preferred to spend time together as a family (our choice). DH didn't spend time going out without us and I didn't either. I managed by getting things done with dc in tow (getting myself ready, home workouts, errands and appointments), and doing things around the house and my own interests after bedtime. Mine were fairly good sleepers which meant I could do that. We don't have any pets either, so that reduces the time I need to spend doing chores related to that and more time for me.

Once my dcs were 2.5 years old they started pt preschool so I got a few hours every weekday morning, which made things much easier. It's a long slog the first few years, but my youngest is starting reception next month and I'll have most weekdays free for myself.

There is probably some kind of childcare locally for dcs like a preschool, gym creche or playgroup. At that age you can take them to some activities like a stay and play or play cafe where might have to stay with them but they can learn to play independently and you can relax a bit even if you're still with them.

I think if your DH is doing these things your life set up allows for one of your I be away for a few hours etc quite easily.

From an earlier post it sounds like what stops you arranging the same is you feel you shouldn’t?

But it’s perfectly reasonable to have nights out or a set night to do a hobby etc.

This wont work for for every family and it is a balance to make sure you and DH also spend time together.

But if you need a weekly class then arrange it.

OP you have a DP. It should be easy to carve out more you time if needed. Make the most of Monday PM and naps etc too. If you worked FT and had toddler that can be one of toughest gigs of all as housework, house admin, pick ups and drop offs and general hamster wheel is brutal. Not easy but there’s a solution here if DP stepped up more and you get to enjoy being SAHM to start caring for you again too.

You should get the same amount of time to do things at the weekend as your DH does. Does he help out on days where he has annual leave as you won't get that time off as a SAHM?

By now you should be getting a couple of hours at the weekend to meet up with friends or do something for you. When do you get free hours at preschool? Or could you afford a couple of half days?

Sounds to me like it would be good for you to get a couple of hours out at a drawing/painting class one night a week and a bit of time at the weekend to catch up with friends etc.

You've been really unwell, I imagine you're still recovering.

What about a hobby one evening a week or nursery for your dc one day a week .
when I was a sahp ds went to nursery 2 days a week so I got that time to my self. I did a yoga class, a Pilates class and caught up on housework. Evenings/weekemds weekends we shared the childcare.

This is meant kindly - but have you thought of working part time? I get the impression you are not experiencing enough of a sense of your own identity. I wonder whether more time to just be you would help you?
I expect you will say you don’t want to leave your child with anyone else……
So - Do you go to any toddler groups? Church based ones in particular can be very supportive.
Linking with other Mums and having interaction with adults adds variety to your week - and you might make some new friends for both you and your child.

Are you married? Assume not as you said DP. Jt js massively financially reckless to be a SAHM unmarried. Please please get married or get a job. Your partner could walk out tonorrow and you’d be entitled to nothing

I don't think it's martyr Olympics, it's more that OP already has a reasonable amount of potential time to herself but is choosing to use it in a different way.

She has every Monday afternoon/evening but choose to spend it resting (which is "me" time) or doing jobs (which could be done another time).
She has childfree time to walk the dogs in the evening which sounds like a lovely way to relax at the end of the day.

She could do things in the evening but choose to go to bed with her child. most co-sleepers only stay with their child until they have gone to sleep, or they take turns with a partner. or, they start weaning the child off needing someone to lie with them.

She could do things at weekends while her partner looks after the child, and I don't think she's said why that's not possible?

Stop doing stuff in the house on a Monday and use that time to do what you fancy doing for you. The house can wait, it's not going anywhere. Try get your dh to get it organised on the Saturday or Sunday for the Monday.

Are you able to do any housework in bits and pieces so that when your mum has your dc you have free time to do something more enjoyable?

I started doing evening classes and met some really nice people. There used to be so much choice, not sure about now?
I suppose not everyone's cup of tea, but I loved it.

Yes of course you should have time, but can I ask gently, when you do have time ie a Monday you don’t use it, is this correct, and just lay on the sofa ?

The thing is it might be the OP martrying herself here.
It sounds like her partner is hands on as he does bath each night, she however says she sleeps with their son. Surely this task could be left to the dad too if she really wanted (but I expect it is something she likes to do/feels only she is able to do).
Likewise she did go to an art class so presumably if she found more things to do then she would be able to go to them, she isn't being stopped.
I think she just needs to speak out more. Perhaps instead of just lying down on the sofa on a Monday afternoon she could search for activities - I suggest trying the library, any local colleges, or just searching independent craft shops if it's art she is into. Now would be a good time as classes often follow school term times, so there could be some things beginning in September.

Does your GP have a social prescriber / Community Navigator?
they may have information on local activities

These responses seem a bit wild to me. It is not outrageous to want some time to yourself, especially if you're sleeping with your toddler. I have zero family support and still found time to keep myself well and sane. I joined a gym with a crèche, which helped enormously, I would do a yoga class and/or swim, have a leisurely shower and read a book over two hours a few of days per week and after that DC1 spend a couple of half days at nursery.

Do you have any friends with toddlers? I was fortunate to have a great network, especially with my second, so we would do something active and kid focussed in the morning then head for lunch / picnic / sometimes a beer garden with a blanket and some toys for the kids. I've been lucky to have two chilled babies, which helps.

Sorry now but no way has she loads of free time - it might be normal for SAHMs but doesn’t make it right!
Monday - Fridays sure, but having an hour once or twice a week that’s just for you is NOT too much to ask.
for me OP id be looking at the week and seeing where the possibilities are - presumably your husband works so say he’s home at 6, can he do bedtime once a week and when he comes home you go to the gym/to your friends/etc - maybe this could be twice a week
then on the weekends can he do 10-1 on Saturday and you do whatever.
or if that’s not realistic then once a month he agrees to be at home from 9-2 on Saturdays and you book your hair etc for those times. I think it’s what realistically suits your household rather than an arbitrary amount.
my husbands a farmer and I work full time so some months of the year I get literally 0 time - he’s gone at 5am and home at 10pm so I’m housebound pre and post the kids being asleep. Whereas during his quieter
times I can go to the gym classes at 6.25 and he’s up with the kids or I go in the evening and he does bedtime. If I need a haircut etc then I have to ask my mam or get a babysitter during the busy times.
point being it’s whatever you can manage fairly and that sometimes it just isn’t possible either

I think the first thing you do is make sure your partner is doing his share of boring house stuff. Yes you are a SAHM but you’re not a housewife and while it shouldn’t be 50/50, he does also need to do some of the drudgery.

Second, why don’t you look at the things you want to do and when they are (exercise classes/a local painting class or group) and speak to your OH about him ensuring he’s home so you can go?

I don’t think it does anyone any favours to compare what you’re doing and what you need to what they’re doing. Everyone is different and you 100% deserve to feel like you again.

If it’s doable I would definitely look at a change to routine in the house so you have time in the morning to shower/dress/get ready for the day and share bedtimes if they’re currently difficult.

FWIW OP, in our house when DS was 2 we had to make these changes as DH was rushing out the door in the morning and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I also felt unbelievably guilty for feeling like I just wanted him away from me for an afternoon sometimes. Sometimes you have to push through, even when it doesn’t feel right or you feel selfish.
I remember crying to DH and him essentially sending me to my friends house for the night. Friend cooked for me, we drank wine, chatted, relaxed and I had a great sleep and honestly, it was so good it made me go home a better parent. Still get a night away every few months now and I don’t feel guilty about it anymore either.

I think you're getting a hard time unecesarily and I agree there's a bit of martyr olympics going on here. It also sound sliek your mental health has suffered so you're struggling a bit to do the work needed to give you the time you need - so somethign of an unvirtuous circle.

The first thing is evenings. It sounds like you're going to bed with the toddler. Understandable, but that removes HUGE amoutn of potential time for you to go out with friends, go to the gym, join a drawing class or whatever it is you want to do. So I think, even if you need that sleep, it's stime to commit to one evening a week where you're doing something for yourself. The small decrease in sleep will pay for itself in the improvement in your MH.

What about weekends? YOu dont' say how that works? When mine were small and sleeping was a huge issue (DS was a nightmare), DH would often have the kids on a saturday morning and I'd do something for myself - wander around town and do a little shopping, go for a coffee with my book, meet a friend etc. It was really important to me and still allowed plenty of family time.