AIBU to want more time to myself as a SAHM?

[Dodorogers]

How much time to myself/time to fill my cup is normal/okay? I have a two and a bit year old, post natal anxiety really took away my ability to spend any time away from him I am also doing SAHM for now. So in the week I have my DS all the time except Monday afternoon/evening when he goes to my mums, in this time I normally either lie on the sofa feeling dreadful (PMDD) or do all the house work and things that need doing. DP does bathtime and in that time I take our dog for a walk, this is pretty much the only time I have to myself in the day. I want to have a bit more time to feel like myself again but I feel so guilty the minute I ask or go to do it, so my question is what is reasonable/where do I start?

You’re going to get some awful responses OP because people will think you get more then they do/did and should be grateful because they only had 3 minutes a day to themselves and they were fine.

Youre allowed hobbies! What is it you would enjoy? A friend and I meet one evening a week for a walk once our kids are in bed which is nice and gets us out of an evening! Would you want to do some exercise or something social? I’d probably consider what would fill your cup and go from there - pointless me saying go for an evening swim if you hate swimming, for example! I don’t believe you should be a martyr or not do anything for you just because you’re a mum and you have some time for you on a Monday and an evening dog walk.

Honestly? I do not have any. I suppose I could if I wanted. My DH would always look after them for appointments etc but that's the only time I have been away from them. My me time is when they go to bed. We have no village. I also work (no nursery). In the those first especially 5 years I think you have to surrender yourself to it. You do have Mondays and your DH does the bathtime. I do wonder how much free time people want from their children?

I have just read this. I suppose that is the difference. My DH wouldnt swan off on boys nights monthly as we have small children? Maybe that's where your resentment comes from. As for seeing my friends? When we do eventually manage to see each other every few months. They want to see my DC too so they always come with me.

Mine are grown now but just joining in to add that going to work was my salvation. Your child should become more independent in less than a year and you can look at nursery sessions and get a few mornings or afternoons off. Still snatched and clock watching time but lovely to just get that break.
Does your child’s medical difficulty mean that nursery/RTW will be difficult?
Do you have money for babysitters?
It will probably never feel like enough because you can never relax in the way you could before DC. But it does get easier I promise.

I appreciate that you and your DC - I think, from what you said - have been ill, but sorting out bedtime so that both you and DH can do it, and so that DC goes to bed before you will get you time back. I think once a week for you to go to an evening art class would be more than reasonable. (I've presumed here that your DH works a regular 9-5 or similar.)

Sorting sleep takes energy and effort - from you and your DH - that it can be hard to find but improvements are possible. I found a sleep coach helpful as a hand hold.

You could go and stay with family for a few days? That would give you some sense of a break.

Why don’t you go back to work part time Op? That way you’d have time without dc, adult company, and be financially in a stronger position so you have money for going out, getting a babysitter etc?

Really? We have young kids and I can’t relate to this at all. I see friends weekly, I go out running 3-4 times a week, am part of a run club.

It’s great you have managed to arrange this but I don’t think it’s the norm

Among my friends it certainly is. Most of us have regular hobbies out of the house, go out for meals etc. What is it stopping you from doing this stuff out of interest? Is it that you’re a single parent? Are your kids awake till 10pm and need both parents there?

At that age don’t they qualify for some nursery hours?

Thats nice for your partner.

You have a whole afternoon to yourself every monday but choose to spend it sitting on the sofa.

Find an exercise class one evening that you want to do and go do it. Your DH can stay at home.

Parenting is busy. That's normal. Just wait til they do lots of activities!!

And this is why I never understood the hate that mothers get on here. For not going straight back to work when child starts school or nursery. Thats my delayed long break .

I do go out sometimes, every few weeks but outside of that a lot of my evenings are spent catching up on work or being tired and relaxing/doing admin things. My husband is happy to collect the kids and put them to bed if he can but sometimes he is working away or has meetings that’s means he is unavailable.

An afternoon and evening off during the week and your DH doing bath times sounds like a pretty reasonable amount of space while being a SAHM.
You’ve also done a few evenings out. What’s stopping you booking a regular evening art class or something?
You talk about wanting to draw or do exercise but you could draw every Monday and exercise once or twice a week in the evening if you wanted to, you have a partner who’s home in the evening so you have the option.

This is unbalanced between you and your husband. I would discuss one evening a week to do a hobby. It might be easier to be out the house e.g. art class, meeting a friend. Firstly as you are available to your toddler at home and secondly if you are tired you may just flop on the sofa instead. If an evening feels too tiring then a weekend morning maybe. It's not unreasonable to discuss with your DH what you need.

It sounds like it's not just time to yourself that would fill your cup, it's spontaneous free time .

I bet your dh finds it rather easy to arrange things because you are holding the fort at home.

Dog walks can sometimes be a bit of a chore, not the break posters are suggesting on here. Can you occasionally go a bit more exciting by going somewhere out of the ordinary? Or the dog to the pub?

I think Mondays are the worst day to have to yourself tbh. I live in a small town everything seems to be closed on Monday.

But you aren’t really doing anything to fill your cup.

When your mum has your child, you decompress. Walking the dog can be lovely but it’s still a chore. Perhaps you need to schedule something in which positivity fills you, like a class or going to the cinema

What’s stopping you doing a regular weekly class on an evening or at a weekend?

or even perhaps put your child in nursery a morning / afternoon a week if you can

I mean, it does sound like you get some time, but you need to make some changes to your routine to make the most of things. Make some mum friends so you and your DC can socialise together. Do the dog walk with your child during the day and then do an exercise class in the evening a couple of times a week. And try to focus on your child sleeping alone so you have that time in the evening. Generally the only time I get child-free is when my children are in bed - I know I’d really struggle without that time.

I think it is. A lot of you on here seem to lead very limited lives and struggle to have a life outside your role as a parent. I don't get it frankly. I don't understand why so many of you are totally overwhelmed by adult life.

You should b getting equal amounts of "me" time. He's taking the piss to be going out for evenings and trips and just leaving you home with the baby when he knows you've had/have ppd especially.

You need to talk to him. And you need to take a weekend away once he's back from his trip. Then boom yourself onto a weekly hobby. (Even if your weekly hobby is going to Costa to read, you book it as an unmovable hobby) I think pole dancing and those type classes look good, you're with a group of women, feeling good about your body, exercising.

I think you need to create the structure that will give you that. This is a very hard thing to do when you're struggling with your mental health. Our local leisure centre has a crèche that I used to use sometimes just to drink a coffee. A large part of the point of baby groups for me was me being able to talk to another adult so I kept us fairly busy with those, and making and meeting up with friends who also had little ones. It's not the same as having time off alone but it still helps you connect with "you" again.

I suspect your husband is being less than helpful but ultimately you need to find the levers yourself. Join a book club. It's nearly September, sign up for an evening class and your husband can walk the dog with the toddler once a week. Join an overtly social/going out group for adults. Change things up so you do the dog walk with your toddler in a pushchair on "your time" then take time off to rest or whatever during bedtime, rather than doing a job. Hand toddler over for half an hour when your husband gets in from work as well as him doing bedtime.

It is unfair that your husband is getting these evenings out etc and you are not, but at the same time he can't really create that structure for you. Sometimes this mismatch happens because the husband is a selfish twonk, and this may be the case here, but other times it's just that he would be happy for you to go out more but you need to find a structure/reason to get you out there.

One thing that really helped me was having a night by myself in a hotel, with a late checkout. I would very strongly urge you to try this if you can, even if very occasionally. It made a massive difference to my MH. And stop doing jobs in your Monday afternoons. Give your brain and body a break.

I guess that’s just different lifestyles then. I tend to use my evenings to pursue my hobbies and interests once kids are in bed and I’m not working, so exercise/run club, I do some volunteer work out of the house every week, etc. At weekends I will maybe have a couple of hours doing something while DH has the kids, then I will take them for a bit while he does something, around stuff we do as a family, or I will go for a meal out with friends on a a Saturday evening.

It’s very important to me that I pursue interests outside of parenting, DH too, so our lives are set up to enable that I guess. I would find it very difficult to not have any time to do stuff I enjoy.

My friends are the same but I guess that’s more likely to be the case as we are friends because we have that sort of thing in common.

When your husband isn't at work you should get a 50/50 split of leisure time. I usually manage an exercise thing once a week and go out for either an evening or afternoon at the weekend to see friends. Something like an Art Class or book group sounds a good start..

Can you walk the dog during the day with your child?

When I was a SAHM I would go out, after breakfast, with my toddler in the pushchair and the dog on the lead and we would all go out together for a walk and some fresh air. We would head to a field near the house and I could get my DD out the buggy to walk a bit if she wanted, run on the grass, pick daisies, play games. The dog could be let off lead to run after the ball, which I go my DD involved in and she would run around with the dog.

Then at about 4pm, we would do it again. We even did the walks in the rain, as I had a rain cover for the buggy.

That way, dog has already had walks/exercise during the day and then when DH comes home and does bath time, that is when you get some time to yourself to do what you want to instead of walking the dog at that point.

Just a suggestion, but I was lucky in that my kids loved to be in their buggy and would enjoy the walk and fresh air as much as I did.

Meet a friend, attend a class, go to the gym for an hour, during that time. Or just relax and read for an hour.

Things like meeting friends, I found, need to be planned in advance. So think about when you might be free and message them to ask if they can meet up, if not, then when? Meeting friends doesn't just happen, you need to be organised and pro-active.

I attended lots of baby and toddler groups when my DD's were young and grew a nice friendship group from those. We would go for coffee after, or lunch, and we went on nights out once in a while. But we were each others sounding board and support and it was great to talk to other mums and have some adult company.

The time your Mum has your child, do something with that time for you. Go to the gym, wash and dry your hair, read, meet a friend. Go for a mooch round the shops and grab a coffee. You are very lucky you have that time so make sure you use it wisely.