AIBU to want more time to myself as a SAHM?

[Dodorogers]

How much time to myself/time to fill my cup is normal/okay? I have a two and a bit year old, post natal anxiety really took away my ability to spend any time away from him I am also doing SAHM for now. So in the week I have my DS all the time except Monday afternoon/evening when he goes to my mums, in this time I normally either lie on the sofa feeling dreadful (PMDD) or do all the house work and things that need doing. DP does bathtime and in that time I take our dog for a walk, this is pretty much the only time I have to myself in the day. I want to have a bit more time to feel like myself again but I feel so guilty the minute I ask or go to do it, so my question is what is reasonable/where do I start?

Is there a reason your DH doesn’t do any bedtimes? If he’s doing bath time, could he not continue with the bedtime routine at least 3 nights a week and that will give you 3 evenings

Is there a gym with a crèche that you might like to join and can afford to?

Could you find a babysitter for one afternoon in the week once a week or even once a fortnight to give you a set time for you to do what you want (even if that is nothing)?

Being a SAHM is hard, just because some people (not unfairly) consider you lucky, doesn’t take away from the repetitive, unrelenting nature of it and weekends aren’t really a thing! Going out to a job and coming home and dealing with kids is also hard but it does provide plenty of period of not having to actively think about and look after another person and regularly changes of environment and experiences!

You should absolutely be getting as much time to yourself as your DH. If he expects you to support him having hobbies then he should do the same for you! Have you spoken to him about it?

It may have been best having this in the OP. Having every Monday afternoon to yourself sounds like a lot on the surface but that's based on having DC going to bed at 7ish and you having a few hours to yourself every evening. I had a child who didn't sleep well and it felt relentless. I'd say you could do with and hour or two every evening to have the chance to shower and spend some time doing something you enjoy. Unless your DP works very long hours with a long commute there should be plenty of hours in the week for you to have time as a family and both have time for yourselves. If he's Monday - Friday 8-6 for example with an 11pm bedtime there's 5 hours there to split, maybe 2 hours together and 1.5 each. Weekends could also be split with 1 family day then half a day each solo.

This ain’t realistic for many. My husband is gone before the children get up and comes home after they’re asleep. I’ve no family near. 2hours off a day is 14hours a week and isn’t realistic for me currently on my third baby !
unless you can afford to have a nanny /mothers help or can afford a gym with a crèche. Many women cannot.

You should get half of the total available leisure time (time not spent working or doing chores or childcare). It sounds like currently your partner has significantly more leisure time than you?

Also, would it be possible for your son to go to nursery 2 afternoons or days a week. I know this can be a big cost, so not feasible for everyone, but I found it was a huge help in getting all of the housework done and having some time for myself.

my DH also works full time and still manages to split bath/bedtimes with me to allow me an “evening off”.

being a SAHM is a lot, it’s a job in itself

@Dodorogers I don’t think it is enough time for you and your wellbeing, and if you can buy in help for a morning, that would be a good investment in your health.

Are you very rurally located? Time driving eats into your leisure time. Are you near (eg) a swimming pool where you could enrol for a class or a swim time every Friday, and take yourself out for a coffee after? Might help with your sleep as well.

If you can locate a kind local person to find to come to your house for three hours once a week, I think you would feel the benefit. I used to have a young lady who was an au pair with a local family, and she was free (and encourage) to earn a little bit of extra cash during the time that family’s kids were in school. Have you a local community noticeboard or group that you could start to explore this option?

Can you explore this with chat gpt op? You need to really tailor this to your needs.
We all recharge differently and get our sense of self from different things/ in different ways.

My husband will come in from work and take over completely so technically I could have Every evenings and then we have a day each at the weekend. Often what works in reality looks a little different because you will want to have family time and couple time too.

I think you need to figure out is your husband the barrier? Do you need to prioritise sleep before you can even make use of time alone?

I could probably have 6 months alone in a cabin in the woods and it still wouldn't be enough for me. So I wouldn't worry about the unhelpful responses.

How much time to myself/time to fill my cup is normal/okay?

The same amount that your husband gets.
Which may be very, very little, for both of you.
And no, you can't count the time he spends at work or commuting.

Add up how much time he gets, e.g. having a lie in at weekends, or going out by himself or with his friends, or coming home late having gone for drinks with work colleagues, or sitting on the sofa looking at a screen while you attend to the toddler or housework.
You should get the same amount of time.

see if sometimes on the weekend your partner can have your son whilst you go out but would find once a month or so (not set routine) reasonable there.

This is absolute madness - as a SAHM, OP is responsible for childcare for the standard working week of 40 hours, 9-5. Anything after that should be split equally between parents, so evenings and weekends, both parents should get time to themselves without baby, and of course family time.

The idea that the husband gets monthly nights away, weekly nights out, full weekend days for a hobby and the OP should be grateful if he looks after HIS OWN SON once a month is ridiculously unfair and downright misogynistic. Attitudes like this are shocking in 2026.

OP - you deserve more than a couple of hours once a week for yourself, especially if you are driving 2 hours to avail of even that. Your husband should be stepping up here and doing his fair share of parenting. Good luck, I hope you find some balance that works for you and helps you heal from what you’ve been through.

Can't DH go to bed with him sometimes?

I'm not sure what you're asking here, OP. It does sound to most of us like you get a decent amount of time by yourself, and there are opportunities to do more things for yourself, but you have to put some effort in.

You could look for evening classes - once a week would give you a lovely break and something to look forward to, without impacting on the rest of your family much. But to do that you have to let your husband take care of his child in the evenings. You can't insist that you do all of the child care and then complain that you never get time to yourself! For most of us, the few hours between young children going to sleep and our own bedtimes were the times when we were able to relax, spend quality time with our spouses, and enjoy child free time.

Several people have mentioned this, but have you thought about joining a gym with an attached nursery? I used to do this when my youngest was little and my older one was in preschool, and that hour a day was a lifesaver! (I was widowed so I had very little time to myself).

Ok apologies, I was probably focussing too much on my own situation rather than the op’s. I am out at work all week with little time with my children so the weekends are time I want to spend with them and my husband (and do all the laundry and chores).

Its sounds like you already have alot of time to yourself already but can see that your partner is having more time. Maybe you can book nights away or make plans too? Just work it out together so hes in with the kids so you can go out too.

@Dodorogers First of all- what do you want to do? With your dh you should divide leisure time so it's fair on both of you. Each gets one evening "off" a week and the week-end can also be divided. You are both working ft (even if you're not paid) so any housework should be divided when you are both home. For me as a sahm when children were young the only thing I wanted was sleep. I always get up early in the morning while dh likes to sleep in so week-ends dh made sure I could have my siesta by taking out/occupying children. It's give and take as in all relationships.

It sounds like you could do with trying to focus on a routine during the week to help your mental health. Join some activities and plan a day for hoovering, another for washing etc. Ds can 'help'. Sleep is the other thing that needs sorting as you are making yourself unable to have an evening. That is when you could have an hour for a bath and read a book etc. Ask your DH for help and join an evening class. Routine is really important.

Exactly.

I get so fed up reading irrelevant posts about who can reach the bottom faster.

If a parent struggles to go out independently, then what’s the point of living with the other parent at all.

The answer is not going back to paid work to get adult company. You are already working in the home.

The answer is getting your partner to do bedtime every second evening.

Just because you are a SAHM doesn’t mean you have to be with your kid morning, day and night. You BOTH work during the day. Share the evenings

What is stopping you from booking onto a class every thurs evening for example? It sounds like you are wanting to get into a routine doing something out of the house on your own. Is it something you could plan with DP?

I don’t think there is a set amount of time that is reasonable that anyone else but you can define. I noticed you have PMDD and Post natal depression. This must be tough and I’m sorry. Don’t let others tell you what reasonable. Do what you need to do and I hope you have some support. Be sure to link in with your health visitor and GP ❤️ look after yourself xx