Sisters children and step child and our holiday

[FallingDream]

My parents moved back to my dad’s home country in March. We plan to visit them in October in the school holidays.

My sister has asked us if we will take her children and step child with us so that they get to see our parents but mainly to help with childcare as she and her partner have to work. Her partner is away with work that week and the week after.

My parents are ok with us bringing them all but I know it would end up with us looking after the youngest. Our children are 16 and 14 so we are at the stage where we can relax on holidays. My sisters kids are 15 and 13, step child is 7 so she still need looking after and more supervising.

Are we unreasonable not to take them with us or only take the older 2? We haven’t had a summer holiday this year so we were looking forward to relaxing holiday. We suggested just taking our nieces but got the usual stuff about treating them all the same. She’s not the same because she is 7 and needs looking after, and yes, also, she isn’t our niece so it is different.

DS can’t take the week off as she is too busy at work with a project at that time apparently. My husband says we may as well stay home if we aren’t going to be able to relax properly and it’s gone from something we were all looking forward to, to something that we don’t want to do. We are all reasonable happy to take our nieces as they don’t need looking after as such and they won’t change the vibe of the holiday.

My sister insists step child is ‘easy’ so we will be able to relax. That won’t be the case as I will feel very responsible for her and obviously she may miss her dad, my sister and her mum. She lives 50/50 between her mum and dad. Her mum is on holiday and this is her dad’s time. He’s away with work which annoys me more. I also find it strange that the little girls mum is fine with her coming away with us when we have only met her mum twice. I feel sorry for the little girl quite honestly, but we really want a break.

Sorry if it’s all a bit jumbled but hope I’ve explained it all. What do you think?

No way. It is not your issue, nor is it your ds issue.
Bloody cheeky. It is her dfs problem to solve

I understand your point on both her age and not being a biological relative. You will essentially be responsible for a unrelated child in a foreign country. That does bring additional responsibilities and means that you can't be as laid back as you might otherwise be. As for her age, the teenagers will no doubt want to go off and do their own thing, whereas she will likely be bored and need entertaining, supervising and organising.

We suggested just taking our nieces but got the usual stuff about treating them all the same. She’s not the same because she is 7 and needs looking after, and yes, also, she isn’t our niece so it is different.

The thing people wth blended families need to understand is that it's their choice to treat children & step-children as if they are all the same, but to extended family - aunts, grandparents etc - that thinking might not apply.

It's your sister's choice to treat her DH's child "as her own" but she can't impose that choice on you as well. You can say "No."

You would end up doing a lot of hands-on childcare, as the other group of DC who are all teenagers, are not going to want a 7 yo tagging along.

I think you might have to get tough and say take it or leave it; the 2 older ones or none. I'd avoid getting into reasons that your sister can try to debate with you about. You don't have to justify your reasons.

I'd tell your sister that you will take the older ones but not the younger one, and it's nothing to do with being a step child and everything to do with her age. I'd tell her that she can say what she likes if she wants to make this awkward, but you won't be budging on this. You can take the older ones, but if she wants all 3 to go then she has to take them herself. It's the older two or none at all. Her choice. That's all that's on offer.

You offer to take the eldest 2 as this is not a significant imposition. If DS insists all three are treated equally then ok, none of them come. It is a shame your parents don’t get to see them but that is your sister’s choice. Don’t be bullied into taking a 7yo with you when you don’t want to.

"Most 7 year olds are easy to look after."

Sorry, but they're really not. They can be lovely kids and interesting, but they want to do small child things which OP, her husband and the teenagers won't want to do. They'll whinge and cry when you have to leave an activity, you'll have to cajole them into coming with you and leaving the playground etc. and if they're at all spoilt by their parents they'll be demanding toys, fairground rides, etc. all the time.

Normally I'm the person saying just take them, what difference does one more make, what are families for etc. But in this case it's a hell no! It's not the fact she's a step-nieice, it's because she's 7, there wouldn't be a parent or next of kin on holiday with her - what if she needed medical treatment?!? - and at a totally different stage supervision wise to your own kids. Unfair for her step siblings to miss out because the wee ones ad. Mum & step mum are all prioritising something else over her!

Straightforward solution. If the 7-YO is 'easy' the older children can stay at home with her and babysit.

That way no child is being privileged over another and you are being unfair to all. How can your DSis possibly object to that?

and that's completely understandable.
I would be prioritising my own kids and what they want on holiday, instead of trying to solve BiLs childcare problems.
Fact is, with your kids ages you probably don't have too many holidays left with them..... they should be prioritised - doesn't matter what your sis thinks.

When you reiterate that you’re prepared to take the older ones but not the 7 year old you’ll find out how committed she is to the idea that all 3 must be treated exactly the same. You may find she changes her tune pretty quickly.

I’d offer to take your nieces, and if she refuses unless you take all three I’d say no and not take any. I’d also find a way to ensure your nieces know that they are invited. She’s yet another person that has fallen into the myth of the “blended family” that just never exists.

Her mums side of the family won’t help out when it’s on her dad’s time. Her dad’s sister helps with childcare odd days but will be at work. She doesn’t have children so keeps her annual leave for non school holidays. Sensible woman. 😂 My sister and partner usually sort the holidays between them but he’s away for 2 weeks and she has a big project ending in October so it’s not good timing.

Why on earth has your sister’s husband booked to be away with work when he should know that his daughter is on half term holidays and with him! Actually that would have been an ideal time to have some one on one time with her if the older 2 were away with you and the grandparents. Does the DSD mum even know about this suggested plan would she be happy with it!
TBH regardless of any of that her Dads lack of planning does not constitute a problem
for you!

What did your sister do with the 2 older ones when they were little?

Surely your sister and her DH just need to book a weeks holiday club for the 7 year old?

"and yes, also, she isn’t our niece so it is different."

This says it all. 🙄

You're not unreasonable. Your sisters partner and his ex are the most unreasonable. He should have informed work that he couldn't work away that week due to it being his time with his child. Her mum is ridiculously unreasonable and downright stupid for thinking it would be ok for a couple of virtual strangers to take her child out of the country. As much as you'd look after her she doesn't know you. I would say she either accepts that you can take her teens but not the 7year old or you don't take any of them at all. Seems your sisters partner can't plan his time properly if he wants childcare he will have to sort it out himself rather than find it ok to leave your sister to figure it out for him

Wow another father who isn't actually doing his 50/50 and is happy for extended family to take his child out of the country.

has your sister's partner even met your parents ?

If I were the little girl's mother and knew about this in advance it would be a firm no.

Poor little girl, father can't be bothered. He needs to sort his week out.

I've never met a 7 year old that behaves that way. I suppose it's dependent on the family/group and the dynamics. I've done big holidays with extended family and the teens and primary school kids all hang out together, sometimes with the adults, sometimes without. It's only been babies and toddlers who have needed things to be adapted or thrown any tantrums.

I'd refuse to take any of them. Explain that you just want to enjoy a family holiday and you don't want the responsibility of any other children. They'll most likely see it as unfair if you agree to your nieces going and not your step-niece.

Taking a 7 year old that you have no legal relationship to out of the country is extremely problematic.

Has the girl even met your parents?

This is batshit and I wouldn't do it. What if she becomes ill?

I was with a 7 year old today and a different 7 year old a couple of weeks ago. I don't have kids of my own, but I can see what 7 year olds are like. I love both these kids very much, but they are hard work. Perhaps you've forgotten what it's like?

Purely from the step child’s point of view - you should definitely not take her.

How awkward for her to be in a home with people she doesn’t know and around only older teens or adults.

I would say take the older girls but then you say they want to spend the week seeing friends and going hobbies etc - something they won’t be able to do if they come with you.

I would say to your sister that you will not be taking the 7yo but that you’re happy to take the older ones if she wants.
If she says no, she says no.

Would you even be allowed to do this? I have to travel with a letter as does my ex husband with permission from each other to take OUR kids abroad. We've never been challenged but surely this could potentially be flagged at customs.

I personally would never let my kids abroad with my ex husbands partners siblings that they'd only met a couple of times.

Anyway though I'm calling out the dad as being a childcare dodger here.