Sisters children and step child and our holiday

[FallingDream]

My parents moved back to my dad’s home country in March. We plan to visit them in October in the school holidays.

My sister has asked us if we will take her children and step child with us so that they get to see our parents but mainly to help with childcare as she and her partner have to work. Her partner is away with work that week and the week after.

My parents are ok with us bringing them all but I know it would end up with us looking after the youngest. Our children are 16 and 14 so we are at the stage where we can relax on holidays. My sisters kids are 15 and 13, step child is 7 so she still need looking after and more supervising.

Are we unreasonable not to take them with us or only take the older 2? We haven’t had a summer holiday this year so we were looking forward to relaxing holiday. We suggested just taking our nieces but got the usual stuff about treating them all the same. She’s not the same because she is 7 and needs looking after, and yes, also, she isn’t our niece so it is different.

DS can’t take the week off as she is too busy at work with a project at that time apparently. My husband says we may as well stay home if we aren’t going to be able to relax properly and it’s gone from something we were all looking forward to, to something that we don’t want to do. We are all reasonable happy to take our nieces as they don’t need looking after as such and they won’t change the vibe of the holiday.

My sister insists step child is ‘easy’ so we will be able to relax. That won’t be the case as I will feel very responsible for her and obviously she may miss her dad, my sister and her mum. She lives 50/50 between her mum and dad. Her mum is on holiday and this is her dad’s time. He’s away with work which annoys me more. I also find it strange that the little girls mum is fine with her coming away with us when we have only met her mum twice. I feel sorry for the little girl quite honestly, but we really want a break.

Sorry if it’s all a bit jumbled but hope I’ve explained it all. What do you think?

Nah no nope. No good deed goes unpunished. I’m sorry but in what world is it ok that the dad is working away and the child is being passed around. She’s not your responsibility and I appreciate “it takes a village” to raise a child but what about the added financial burden and supervision. No just no. IMO stick to your plans if your parents are desperate to see that side of the family they should arrange something at another time. Sister is wanting a break by the sounds of it. I wouldn’t take any of the nieces. No negativity here but have your family holiday and leave it at that.

Will the country you're visiting allow her entry without one of her parents?

Why isn't she spending the time with her father? He can't expect other people to mind his child when he's away.

Honestly OP just say you’re happy to take your two nieces as they’re older but not the 7 year old as she’s too young, needs looking after and you all want to relax

Even if it bothers you, you don’t need to bring into it that she is a step niece. If both the parents weren’t working and/or the 7 year old was a blood relation and her 2 parents asked you to take her with on your holiday you’d not want to as you don’t want to have to look after a young child so just stick with that as the reason

Has the Dad not got any relatives that can help? Seems a bit odd to send his DD away with someone she barely knows.

As the parent of a 7yr old, there’s no way I would be happy with her spending a week in a foreign country with people she barely knew, and she would also refuse to go.

My parents have offered to take her and her brother away for a few days next summer and my DH isn’t comfortable with this despite them seeing my parents weekly and them having had sleepovers there on the regular since 6months old

We feel like we should be able to just take the older two without it being a huge issue. My nieces are aware that my sister is trying to make us take all of them and have said it’s unfair that they might not be able to go just because we won’t take the younger one. I sympathise with them. They should be able to do things without their step sister.

If it has to be then we will take none of them but it doesn’t feel right to me to make them miss out. It doesn’t help anyone really for the older two to miss out.

The girl being a stepchild is not a red herring, it is the primary reason OP should have nothing to do with this. Taking a completely unrelated child whose mother you don’t even know abroad with you would be madness. What happens if she is ill or injured? If she needs medical attention in the other country? If anything else happens to her? I would absolutely not be making myself liable like this.

I’d say no to all of them. Your sister is prioritising her boyfriend and his poor planning over her own children which is unfortunate but not your problem.

It certainly dosnt help the poor 7 year old. I'm sure its because she isn't blood rather than she is 7 that you dont want to take her.

Her mum is on holiday and this is her dad’s time

There’s your answer OP.

Isn’t this so typical ! The person with the childcare issue is the poor child’s father. Not you, not your sister .. her father !!
How much angst and worry has he put into this dilemma ?? Fuck all I suspect .. just copped out with ‘I have to work’ .. seriously @FallingDream you need to tell your sister to grow a fucking backbone . His kid .. his problem. Either he speaks to his own parents or his ex PIL and sorts it. Or HE takes the time off work and looks after her. Btw No I don’t think you should dump the plan for your sisters teenage kids . Sounds fun for all concerned.
Btw .. how well does your sisters step child know your parents ??

But that's not your responsibility - if your sister says you take all or none of them, she's making the decision that your nieces are missing out.

If you take her DSD this time it will be expected every time.

It’s really unfair to you. You’ve raised your kids and your sister trying to foist her partner’s responsibility on to you is just searching for
the next nearest female to solve their issues.

Regardless of the younger one being a step-child, just say it’s too much for 2 adults to look after 5 children in a different country, particularly when 3 of those children aren’t your own and one is under 10. Surely you need consent from 7 year olds mom anyway?

The fact that your BiL isn't free during his allocated time to look after his own child isn't your problem and shouldn't impact on your/your husband's holiday with your children.
Your sis is taking the piss.
Your kids might be happy to spend time with their cousins, but just because your sis insists everyone is treated the same, doesn't means your kids should have a 7yr old forced upon them. I'm sure they don't want to hang out with a 7yo.

I can’t imagine that the young child’s mum would be happy her going abroad with a family she barely knows?
Not to mention would she even get through check in? She’s not related to any of you. You can’t just take someone else’s kid abroad without questions being asked. No chance would I do this. No chance at all

I would stand fast. You would not be taking your nieces on holiday, just escorting them on the flights for them to visit their grandparents.

I would be having words with my sister about her attempt to strongarm me into being her unpaid childcare, and point out that her stepdaughter's parents are the people with responsibility for her care, not me. And if she wants to prevent her daughters from visiting their grandparents she can pick up the phone and have that conversation with her own parents.

My offer is escorting my nieces on flights, nothing more. Take it or leave it, but it's up to you, sister dearest, to explain YOUR decision to YOUR daughters and YOUR parents.

How would you feel if DSD was your biological neice? Would it make any difference to your decision?
If not, then stop talking about her like she's the spare wheel of the family! Poor girl

My children are definitely not happy with the youngest coming. They want their older cousins to come as they get on well being similar ages.

However lovely the child and regardless of the relationship to you, it would completely change your trip. None of the teenagers are going to want to hang out with her much and you are going to be less relaxed with a child (who is not your own) and so much younger. Repeat your offer to take the older girls, it's up to your sister and her DH to sort childcare. Are there no family of the mum's or dad's who can help?

Nope-that would turn your holiday into work.

Are they heck as like!

At 7 she's very young and is in a foreign country away from her family, staying with people she barely knows. Of course she'll need a fair whack of looking after.

The 13 & 14 year old and the older teens will no doubt pair off and have fun while the 7 year old is too young to tag along. There would b no way I'd accept that kind of burden on what's supposed to be a relaxing holiday.

OP, your sister is a CF trying to make her problem - actually, her DH's problem - into yours.

Could your parents take responsibility for the 7 year old? You say that you just need a holiday and your parents say ok, we’ll look after Jane??

I have only seen one person mention it so far but does 7 yr old have a loving grandparents relationship with your parents? If your parents have been like grandparents to her since she can remember and she loves them dearly I think YABU. If there is no special bond then this is ridiculous and, of course, you are not taking a 7 year old overseas to spend time with adults she barely knows.

TBF nothing OP has said suggests she'd be willing to take a 7 year old niece to whom she was biologically related either. She has clear objections to providing the care a child of that age would inevitably need.

If she wants them all treated the same, just say no to all of them. She can't really have it both ways.