Sisters children and step child and our holiday

[FallingDream]

My parents moved back to my dad’s home country in March. We plan to visit them in October in the school holidays.

My sister has asked us if we will take her children and step child with us so that they get to see our parents but mainly to help with childcare as she and her partner have to work. Her partner is away with work that week and the week after.

My parents are ok with us bringing them all but I know it would end up with us looking after the youngest. Our children are 16 and 14 so we are at the stage where we can relax on holidays. My sisters kids are 15 and 13, step child is 7 so she still need looking after and more supervising.

Are we unreasonable not to take them with us or only take the older 2? We haven’t had a summer holiday this year so we were looking forward to relaxing holiday. We suggested just taking our nieces but got the usual stuff about treating them all the same. She’s not the same because she is 7 and needs looking after, and yes, also, she isn’t our niece so it is different.

DS can’t take the week off as she is too busy at work with a project at that time apparently. My husband says we may as well stay home if we aren’t going to be able to relax properly and it’s gone from something we were all looking forward to, to something that we don’t want to do. We are all reasonable happy to take our nieces as they don’t need looking after as such and they won’t change the vibe of the holiday.

My sister insists step child is ‘easy’ so we will be able to relax. That won’t be the case as I will feel very responsible for her and obviously she may miss her dad, my sister and her mum. She lives 50/50 between her mum and dad. Her mum is on holiday and this is her dad’s time. He’s away with work which annoys me more. I also find it strange that the little girls mum is fine with her coming away with us when we have only met her mum twice. I feel sorry for the little girl quite honestly, but we really want a break.

Sorry if it’s all a bit jumbled but hope I’ve explained it all. What do you think?

I don’t think I’d want to take a niece who was 7. It would be easier though. When my nieces were little and would have a tantrum or be whinging, I would feel ok to be a bit stern with them or ignore them, like I would do with my own children because ‘biology’ I suppose. They know they’re loved, it’s soon forgotten because you have that history and bond with them. With someone else’s child, I wouldn’t feel I could do that. It would be like having a guest constantly where you all make an extra effort and don’t quite be yourself.

I know I would spend the holiday making sure the 7 year old was ok, eating enough, drinking enough, watching her more than I’d have watched my own, worrying more if she fell over etc. I would be very aware that she could feel uncomfortable or sad so I would be constantly compensating for that and not relaxing. If it was my actual niece, I wouldn’t feel that way. If my niece had an accident in my care, my sister would know it wasn’t anything suspicious, but another person wouldn’t know that. It’s just not the same.

Then stepniece will have to go into holiday club even if she hates it and wants to spend time with her stepsiblings.
Id also point out to your sister that she is going to destroy her relationship with her own children if she refuses to let them go and then expect them to babysit the 7 year old during the holidays especially when the could and should be spending time with their extended family. Your sister needs a reality check asap.

Also (!) which country are you going to? Some places it is very difficult to take a child that isn't yours and you need all sorts of paperwork or even authenticated documents which are checked on entry. Teenage nieces are related and can speak for themselves; an unrelated 7 year old is completely different

Clue there might be primary school kids plural. The 7 year olds have age mates. That won't be the case here. She'll have nobody of similar age to play with.

Another vote for no. With bells on.

I would say yes but in our family we have a time honoured tradition of paying the older ones to babysit on holiday. My mum babysat her younger siblings, my siblings babysat me, I babysat my brother’s first child and now she babysits my kids. Obviously depends on the maturity of the older kids, and no you can’t have them do it the whole holiday - but it works great for us. Also as a teenager I really actually enjoyed it. Once you’re older you can’t really play without being seen as weird, but if you’ve got a little kid with you then suddenly you’re a saint for looking after them.

Obviously speak to your kids about it and do what fits your family, but in my experience it’s always been great. I really think it’s part of the reason we are a close family. I also think it kind of helped me decided I definitely wanted children. I mean nothing prepares you for the reality of being a parent but having some experience with little kids and tantrums ect did help me.

Haven't read the full thread but if you weren't going on this holiday... what would they be doing for childcare? The 7 year old has a mother, a father, at least one step-parent... and none of them are willing to take a few days off to look after her?

I don’t think I’ve ever met a 7yo that winged and cried or had to be cajoled into doing things.
I don’t think most 7yos are difficult in that way.

But it’s the having to look after them that’s the issue.

The older ones can be left to their own devices all day and night without much worry but the 7yo needs actively looking after.

On top of that, a child that is not related needs extra looking after too.

This isn't your problem OP, it's your sister's problem. She wants the children in her fairly new blended family to be treated in exactly the same way, but her relatives are not yet ready to do this because they don't know the little girl very well, and it doesn't help that she's much younger than the other children and needs different things. You need to tell your sister that, and repeat that the older children can come with you but not the younger one.

It sounds like she needs to organise some annual leave for another time and actually visit her family. You aren’t the nanny. It’s perfectly fine to not want to take other people’s children on holiday with you.

Also like hell would I allow my 7 year old to be hauled off to another country with my ex’s new girlfriend’s sister, some random adults she’s never met and a bunch of teens.

YADNBU,

Your BIL has dropped your sister in it and she is trying to pass the buck.

There is no way I’d take responsibility for an unrelated child I don’t know well on a foreign trip for two weeks when it’s not even clear if one or both biological parents have given consent. Anything could happen. And that’s before you consider the extra work involved. There will presumably be extra cost?

Lots of children are not keen on holiday clubs but as most parents don’t have bottomless annual leave, they are a fact of life.

I'd frame it as unfair that your family holiday has turned into something else.
Go back to just going by yourselves and telling her to bring the kids herself when her husband is available.

Good point!!

You could have (and still can) easily booked a holiday abroad - what were their plans then?

Yeah that all makes sense. All 7 year olds with nobody else to look after them would be hard work and preclude the relaxing holiday you want, a 7 year old you don't know well would be particularly difficult.

I meant in previous holidays when my sister has tried to tell my oldest niece to babysit, she hasn’t wanted to because she wants to see friends etc. Both nieces are happy to come away with us. They just don’t want to spend their school holidays babysitting and I don’t blame them.

Absolutely not. Either say you'll take the older 2 or none at all. It will be hard work for you and you'd be worried about her and it wouldn't be a holiday so you'd rather not go and deal with the expense etc. Remind her that she's on her Dad's time and he needs to parent his child. She's not your responsibility. The entitlement is unreal!

You go on holiday with your DH and kids. Just say no to anyone else’s kids coming.

I wouldn't be prepared to take responsibility for a 7 year old child who is completely unrelated to me on a holiday abroad.

Firstly you would need explicit written consent from all adults with parental responsibility. It is surprising to me (as to you) that the child's parents would both be happy for adults she doesn't know well to take responsibility for her.

Secondly if anything happened and you had to make medical decisions etc that's a big deal for you, and would need a few uncomfortable conversations ahead of time so that you would have some idea of their wishes should anything happen.

Thirdly, how comfortable would a 7 year old be without any related adults for a whole week away from home and familiarity. I don't think either of mine would have wanted to be away at that age.

I also agree that the 7 year old makes the holiday a lot less relaxing. Those would be my objections. And if sister didn't understand that I wouldn't be taking any of her kids.

I do understand that in saying no only to the 7 year old it means that you are treating a step child differently, but my personal view is that the above reasons justify treating her differently.

One final thought, does your travel insurance need to be informed/adjusted if you take any children with you that you don't have parental responsibility for (that applies to any of the 3 children)?

No, my nephew is 7. My niece is 9 so not long since she was 7. I did work in childcare and grew up doing (and still do) lots of babysitting as the eldest sibling and eldest GC on both sides, maybe that changes my perspective on what's 'easy'.

There is one thing taking four teens to visit their grandparents in the school holidays, but taking along an extra, much younger child is something else. Obviously, I don't know the relationships or how long the child has been part of your family, but it seems like they'd be coming along for just a holiday and not as an opportunity to reconnect with grandparents. I think that is a big ask. A much younger child in the party will also affect what you do when you are away, the bedrooms situation and bed times etc. If the older two can't come without the little one, don't take any of them. Your sister can arrange her own trip to see grandparents another time.

Has your sister historically given you a lot of childcare support?

I think that's the only thing that would influence my answer.

If she's helped you out a lot, maybe take the hit.

If not, say no.

It is really rubbish to make your older children look after your younger ones even if they are full siblings. They are called school holidays so the kids ( and staff) can have a break, not become nannies.

You are not at all unreasonable. Taking a seven year old along, with no relatives on the holiday is risky. As others have said, passport control is going to be a stress (I have this with my son who has a different surname to me, it’s hassle enough and I am his mum!). If she got ill or homesick it’s all on you and you don’t know her mum so don’t have that same sense of what she would want you to do in this situation. From what I can gather, mum is on her own holiday, dad will be away with work, so who exactly would be available in an emergency? It’s too much to ask, and I think they are lucky to have someone in their lives who would even consider it. I feel so sorry for the 7 year old, but taking her away with people she doesn’t know, and siblings who will spend the time trying to avoid her, really isn’t going to make her life any better I don’t think.

Are you saying that they're happy to hang out with grown ups doing grown up things? They don't want to go to the playground/fair etc. and then demand to do certain things? Or not leave the playground? Or get an ice cream or anything like that? They don't argue or fight with their siblings?
Am I unlucky or what?

Your sister should simply accept a no answer and not be trying to persuade you. It is a big ask.

However I do feel very sorry for this poor child who is being passed around like a parcel and who seems to be very uncared for and unloved. Personally I would take her and give her a bit of love ......