Father doesn’t want our son’s ashes split, I do

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Split from son’s father nearly 10 years ago - he was abusive in all sorts of ways.
Our 18yo son died two weeks ago and we are not agreed on what to do with his ashes.
DS lived with me and his younger siblings until 16, when he had to move out due to behavioural reasons (very complicated related to safety of all the children and DS later told me I had done the right thing and he was glad I did). He lived with his father for a while and then went into care. Both his father and I had close contact with him throughout - his father did step up and helped DS in many ways in his last 2 years. Sadly he has not stopped being abusive towards me and up until my son’s death I didn’t have direct contact with the father as I had been advised by police to not to so.

Now we are in contact and arranging DS funeral. His father wants his ashes to remain intact, to be buried, because father wants to be buried with him in due course.

I want DS ashes to be split so that father can do as he wishes with half and I can bring my son home, as he always wanted and we were working towards, and scatter him here (father and I live 50 miles apart)

I also would like to be able to visit his remains easily, and for his father to be able to do the same.

Am I being unreasonable in wanting to split his earthly remains? It’s not him - he’s gone, I know that, I’ve seen him - but what remains of his body has meaning to us both.

It seems that the ashes are released to the person who makes the funeral arrangements.

A crematorium must hand the ashes to the person who delivered the body for cremation, normally the person who arranged the funeral

Courts will not divide ashes if a close family member objects

https://www.urnsforangels.com/blogs/inspiration/who-has-the-rights-to-ashes-after-cremation

Sorry for your loss. I wouldn’t want the ashes to be split either. Sorry.

Him paying does not give him control of your son's ashes. He hasn't BOUGHT your son's remains. He has no more rights than you.

Jesus, colour me wrong, how awful.

I’m sorry for your loss.

IMO dividing and each one decides what they’d prefer to do is what would make sense here.

I will call the funeral directors in the morning and talk it through. I am still hoping that we can come to an agreement but I do want to make sure it isn’t removed from my hands as it were if he were to take them and do whatever without consulting me any more.

I won’t force him to split them if he continues to feel strongly about it. I have said since the beginning that I wanted a cremation precisely in order to be able to split the ashes, but I am absolutely willing to find an alternative solution. I like the idea of a remembrance garden where his dad could be nearby but not actually in the exact same spot. But it would have to be somewhere between us, which would mean somewhere with no meaning or connection to DS, and that feels hard.

My mother was cremated. She had four children. Our youngest (estranged) sister wanted a quarter of the ashes. My brother arranged sending them to her. The remaining three arranged the burial of the remaining ashes in Sissinghurst Castle Gardens, with the help of the National Trust, who were super. I had no problem with the ashes being split.

Im so sorry for you loss op. I think if you've not had first hand experience/exposure to abusive relationships than you may not get it, you cant reason with these people. Given his history its highly likely that taking over and wanting the ashes is a continuation of the abuse of you.
How controling is he being about the funeral arrangements and the wake? Will he allow you to speak to the celebrant prior to the funeral?
Are there things you can do to celebrate your sons life without your ex?
Fyi my mums ashes were given to me as the person that paid by the crematorium in a sealed cardboard tube.

The person organising and paying for the funeral gets the ashes, FD won't hand them over to just anyone.

Presuming that's you, collect the ashes and store them somewhere safe until you and his Dad agree on something mutually acceptable.

Edit - sorry just seen he is organising the funeral. You might not be able to resolve this OP....

OP, do not follow this advice! Giving someone fake ashes and telling them they're the remains of their loved one is horrific. Bereaved family members were recently talking about how traumatic it was during coverage of the Legacy funeral home scandal.

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP. Is there any way you could agree to scatter your son's ashes at a neutral place? I know that's not the first choice of either of you, but unfortunately this is a difficult thing to compromise on.

Is there a grave site that has an emotional connection?

I would say out of respect for your son you’d want a separate burial plot but if the graveyard with the emotional connection was closer to his dad, then I would be happy to travel.

There definitely needs to be a compromise.

I assume you have no wishes to be buried with him?

I kind of feel splitting ashes should be an all yes or no situation. Much let pets or another child everyone says yes or the no wins.

Providing the non split ashes are buried somewhere where both parties can visit freely.

To me splitting the ashes would be much like someone else said that my child had been split in half. Half a body.

Hello op.
I'm not sure if you are religious or not but I would read the story of Solomon and the baby.
It's from the book of Kings. Old testament.

I've even used the story to solve a HR fight.
Just a thought. It might bring you some peace it this difficult time.
My condolences.

It's very early days for big decisions of any kind. Do whatever you have to do to make sure the ashes are kept intact for now, and then wait a while. There's no rush. You may well find that another idea comes to you out of nowhere or that your priorities change.

I’m surprised so many find splitting ashes so hard

to me make total sense - twice

If your ex wants them to stay together they should go where you wish and he can visit. Or you split and you can both be close.

This has been mentioned twice now - the story of Solomon is about a live baby - not a dead person. It’s not at all the same and frankly I find it upsetting and insulting that it would be presented as relevant to me.

I have said that I would not force his dad to split if he continues to feel strongly about it and will work either way him to find a compromise.

I’ve known someone who did this, not to a parent I feel like that’d be really wrong. His Mums sister insisted on having them but the dc wanted to scatter them with their Dads. So they topped up the urn with ash after scattering and handed them over.

I have also said I would never even consider doing anything like this. I would not lie to his father nor would I just ignore his wishes completely.

I wouldn’t want to split my DD’s ashes with her dad but I feel that she would want me to even tho he hasn’t been the best parent. So that’s what I would do. I feel that would make her happy.

I couldn’t split the ashes so I understand why he wouldn’t want that.

I'm really surprised so many people feel so strongly about splitting ashes, I can't really understand the sentiment tbh.

@Mumtotornadoes I have surprised myself on this thread by realising that I would feel uncomfortable about splitting - it's hard to articulate, but something about being 'intact' and complete. The only way I can think to compare it is the discomfort you would feel at burying someone in two different places.

DH had his father cremated and they took his ashes to be scattered in a place of significance to their dad, but because it was somewhere that neither of them could visit regularly, they each kept a very small amount of ashes that was turned into a piece of jewelry that they have one each of (a small crucifix on a chain). Could something like that work OP?

I’m so sorry for your loss.
What a difficult situation for you xx

Maybe a compromise would be that your son’s ashes are kept intact and are buried, but they are buried where you live?

Christ on a bike!! You can't do that.