Father doesn’t want our son’s ashes split, I do

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Split from son’s father nearly 10 years ago - he was abusive in all sorts of ways.
Our 18yo son died two weeks ago and we are not agreed on what to do with his ashes.
DS lived with me and his younger siblings until 16, when he had to move out due to behavioural reasons (very complicated related to safety of all the children and DS later told me I had done the right thing and he was glad I did). He lived with his father for a while and then went into care. Both his father and I had close contact with him throughout - his father did step up and helped DS in many ways in his last 2 years. Sadly he has not stopped being abusive towards me and up until my son’s death I didn’t have direct contact with the father as I had been advised by police to not to so.

Now we are in contact and arranging DS funeral. His father wants his ashes to remain intact, to be buried, because father wants to be buried with him in due course.

I want DS ashes to be split so that father can do as he wishes with half and I can bring my son home, as he always wanted and we were working towards, and scatter him here (father and I live 50 miles apart)

I also would like to be able to visit his remains easily, and for his father to be able to do the same.

Am I being unreasonable in wanting to split his earthly remains? It’s not him - he’s gone, I know that, I’ve seen him - but what remains of his body has meaning to us both.

Im so sorry for your loss, it sounds like a difficult situation all round.

I think this is a deeply personal thing for everyone, there is no right or wrong.

For me I would want the remains to stay in tact, but I can't quite articulate why, and fully understand why families do split it up and everyone can do as they please too.

Very difficult!

Who will the ashes be returned to? I assume they are the person responsible for making the decision ultimately.

This all needs so much more consideration. The idea of splitting ashes could be very traumatic for someone, even if they were abusive. Equally, it could be yet another way of controlling you. Did your DS have a good relationship with his father? I’m not even sure legally where this would all stand. I’m terribly sorry for your loss.

I just want to say how sorry I am for your loss. I hope you have lots of support. 💐

I'm so sorry for your loss. Given your relationship with ex partner it seems obvious they should be split.

Can you ask advice of the funeral director? They will be used to all kinds of family situations and finding a way through them.

So sorry OP.
Now is not a good time to make this decision. Keep the ashes intact in your home not his. Say you'll discuss it in two or three months, once you've got through this first ghastly period of mourning.
💐

Sorry for your loss OP.
Hard to say this but don't put it past your ex to try and control you even in this incredibly difficult time. Ppl might act like he wouldn't stoop that low but sometimes ppl do, and often ppl's true colours come out in bereavement, they can be demanding and want things done their way at the expense of others with lots of guilt tripping/emotional blackmail. Look after yourself and have some support around you whether loved ones, counselling, whatever you need ❤️
Under the circumstances I think a 50/50 split is fairest, not an unreasonable request at all. I would come at it from the pov that that's what most exes would do in these circumstances surely?

No advice on this situation but I am so sorry for the loss of your son.

If he was abusive, I’d be tempted to give him a fake urn with ashes and send him on his way and do what you want. What’s the chances you’ll ever see him again?

Difficult decision. Like previous posters I would not want the remains being split /scattered. I am catholic though and you arent supposed to scatter ashes. I know splitting them seems fairer though to people who dont understand/believe that ashes can be split/scattered.

Firstly I'm so sorry for your loss 😞 💐

Who will receive the ashes? If it's you could you take a small amount and have them made into a necklace, or something, then pass the rest to his father who could bury them. That way a part of your son will always be with you.

I am so sorry for your loss.

I would feel very uncomfortable at the idea of splitting up the ashes, myself, so I can understand why he feels that way.

Of course not. The one good thing about being dead is you can be in two places at once! Definitely he'd be unreasonable not to agree to that.
I don't know if in law, the remains are owned by both so legally they must be split? That would make sense.

I'm so sorry your ex is so awful. It's the last thing you need when you suffered such a terrible loss. I hope things improve.

No advice, OP, as I realise I feel quite strongly (completely irrationally, I recognise) about splitting ashes, as my father has just suggested my mother split her ashes, but that’s no use to you, and I entirely understand why you’d want to divide them. I just wanted to say I’m so sorry for your loss.💐

I’m so sorry for your loss and understand your pain. Our daughter died nearly 6 years ago.
It must be adding to your grief and heartache when there is so much conflict.

Would it be possible to delay the decision? It is really early days. Sounds like his Father is still trying to have some control.
It might come down to some mediation or legal advice. If there’s any religion involved it’s worth seeking advice.

We split my ds ashes 4 ways. Only seemed fair to us.

I’ve split my parents ashes and my DH’s. I took some to Spain with me where we have loads of memories. My sister wants to take the remaining ashes of my mother to Ireland, where she was born and raised. I was only annoyed with my mother when she scattered my father’s ashes in a private park as now the friends who occupied the house (allowing access) have also passed away so we can’t visit it, so I’m glad I took some to Spain.
Maybe give it some time and revisit it when things aren’t so emotive.

Sorry for your loss and this is just another hardship on top of that terrible time.

Personally I couldn’t split ashes but understand some people find it fine.

I am so sorry for your loss. YANBU. But neither is the DS’s father.
At least not on paper - I am very aware that he might be using this as an excuse to further control and or abuse you. But not wanting to split up a loved one’s ashes is understandable as well.

take your time. You do not have to decide now. It’s perfectly possible to have a funeral service without “doing” anything with the ashes… many people are not ready to let go at that point. So don’t let him or anyone else pressure you to make a decision now.

This is difficult, because your ex could be doing this as a control thing or it could be that he genuinely can't bear the idea of his son's ashes being split, and none of us know which is the truth. Could you compromise and suggest the ashes are buried near you rather than near ex, so you can visit whenever you want to? If ex doesn't agree with that then you can keep pointing out that the alternative is to split them.

That's such a hard situation. I have a very abusive ex and I know he would use a situation like this to try and cause more upset.

I have a strong gut reaction to the idea of splitting ashes and have no idea why as I'm not religious. I honestly don't even know what happened to my grandparents ashes, and that isn't an issue, but a child dying young is a whole differrnt thing.

I would consider asking a family lawyer what the options are. But who will get the ashes and who paid for the funeral - that might mean its out of your control.

We split my late parents ashes 4 ways - I, their sibling, & best friend all took some after the main scattering in a spiritual place. We all scattered our share in places that meant a lot to my parent. I actually find it comforting that my parent is forever linked to those places, and that other people who were important in their life were involved too.
Good luck with the decision, and my condolences for your loss.

I am so sorry.
How absolutely horrendous.
Yes you should divide them and put your half somewhere meaningful for you.
Be kind to yourself and don't hesitate to contact Women's aid for support and the police if he becomes aggressive.

You don't have to make a choice straight away.

My father died in January, the funeral was in February.

My dad said he wanted his ashes to be buried with my mother's and he didn't mind where, he said we could burry him in the back garden for all he cared.

We ended up burying the ashes, on August first, at a cemetery near where my parents lived. My parents were RC so we got the same priest who had done my father's funeral and it was a simple ceremony with a couple of prayers.

I'm atheist but it was what my dad had asked for.

Neither of you is in the wrong. Personally I kept a small amount of my parents’ ashes to be put into keepsakes. We scattered the rest, and that itself means the ashes are not “whole”. Unless ex wants to bury them in a container or pile, the ashes will spread and some will be lost to the wind. But I can imagine your ex might be thinking that splitting them in half will be like having a literal half of the person. Things are still very fresh and there is a chance ex will change his mind. I am pro splitting as I think it’s fair, and I think of ashes as the “essence” of the person rather than their body, but that is just my opinion. I’m really sorry for your loss