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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Father doesn’t want our son’s ashes split, I do

136 replies

SecurityLight · 23/08/2026 10:35

Split from son’s father nearly 10 years ago - he was abusive in all sorts of ways.
Our 18yo son died two weeks ago and we are not agreed on what to do with his ashes.
DS lived with me and his younger siblings until 16, when he had to move out due to behavioural reasons (very complicated related to safety of all the children and DS later told me I had done the right thing and he was glad I did). He lived with his father for a while and then went into care. Both his father and I had close contact with him throughout - his father did step up and helped DS in many ways in his last 2 years. Sadly he has not stopped being abusive towards me and up until my son’s death I didn’t have direct contact with the father as I had been advised by police to not to so.

Now we are in contact and arranging DS funeral. His father wants his ashes to remain intact, to be buried, because father wants to be buried with him in due course.

I want DS ashes to be split so that father can do as he wishes with half and I can bring my son home, as he always wanted and we were working towards, and scatter him here (father and I live 50 miles apart)

I also would like to be able to visit his remains easily, and for his father to be able to do the same.

Am I being unreasonable in wanting to split his earthly remains? It’s not him - he’s gone, I know that, I’ve seen him - but what remains of his body has meaning to us both.

OP posts:

NoLifeguardOnDuty · 23/08/2026 11:26

I have no practical advice but I'm so sorry for your terrible loss.

DriveVerySlowlyPastNumber23IWantThemToSeeMyHat · 23/08/2026 11:33

lalalagarden · 23/08/2026 10:46

If he was abusive, I’d be tempted to give him a fake urn with ashes and send him on his way and do what you want. What’s the chances you’ll ever see him again?

What an awful thing to do. If he was abusive, that is horrific. However, he's still the son's father.

MerelyPlaying · 23/08/2026 11:39

I’m so sorry for your loss, and for the added pain of not being able to agree on what happens to the ashes.

Legally it’s the person who arranged the funeral and whose name is on the paperwork who can collect the ashes, and they can do what they want with them. I’m not clear if that’s you or your ex husband - if it’s him then I am sorry to say that there’s nothing you can do.

if it’s you then you can decide to split them and he’ll have to accept it. The suggestion above about having some made into jewellery is a good one, then your son will always be with you and in due course you can be buried or cremated with the jewellery. Then you could give him the rest, or some of the rest of the ashes.

It’s unlikely that you’d go to court over this but if you were to, the court would not order ashes to be split; they are regarded as one body and there is legal precedent for this. The Church of England also will not split ashes. I hope that’s some help, I am so sorry that the tragic loss of your son is being compounded by his behaviour.

x2boys · 23/08/2026 11:42

Im sorry for your loss
I dont thnk there is any right or wrong here
You are both greiving parents
I hope you will find a compromise thats acceptable to both of you.

rwalker · 23/08/2026 11:47

I feel horrendous replying but We had this with my dads ashes
I refused can’t bare the thought of ashes being split

Portsmouthnappies · 23/08/2026 11:54

Hi, any decision about anything will be hard right now.....can you delay the decision?
On a slightly different note, the loss of a child is like no other. Google Compassionate friends. It is an organisatuon that supports bereaved parents, regardless of the age of the child, or the cause of death?
My last point is about being kind to yourself. Do what you need to do to get through the day... one second, breathe, minute at a time...

ThatBreezyScroller · 23/08/2026 11:58

Neither of you are wrong but I personally have the same view as his father.

I think I would find splitting ashes quite traumatic tbh.

Having a grave that anyone can visit and mourn sounds like the better option for me.

The grave site his father wants - is it a grave yard that has emotional ties or just a random one close to his father?

I’n wondering if you would both compromise by burying the full ashes but in a different grave yard that’s easier for you to visit.

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 23/08/2026 12:03

I’m so sorry for your loss. Nobody should outlive their own child. It’s very early days for you to be trying to decide something so irreversible, so please just do what you need to do to get through this next few months and worry about the plan for your sons ashes later on when things have settled somewhat. Maybe you’ll both have a bit more clarity on how you feel about it once you’ve lived with his loss for a while. It’s too raw at the moment to expect yourselves to be able to compromise or think of a solution outside of the two options you already have.

Coconutter24 · 23/08/2026 12:03

lalalagarden · 23/08/2026 10:46

If he was abusive, I’d be tempted to give him a fake urn with ashes and send him on his way and do what you want. What’s the chances you’ll ever see him again?

But why? This situation isn’t about OP. Yes he was abusive to OP (not condoning that) but he stepped up for his son and helped him. He has as much right to his son’s ashes as OP.

Could you not compromise OP and bury his ashes intact somewhere you both have easy access to? 50 miles between you both isn’t really that far

KnickerlessParsons · 23/08/2026 12:06

Could you take a small portion of the ashes and have them made into a ring or something? And give the bulk to your ex?

Barney16 · 23/08/2026 12:08

My husband died a little while ago and I will split his ashes and scatter them in places that are meaningful to us. I don't see a problem with it, although sometimes people prefer ashes to remain intact. I'm with a pp who said ashes are the essence of a person. In your particular circumstances I would split them. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Indianajet · 23/08/2026 12:10

This is such a difficult subject t. We scattered my husband's ashes off a mountain - he had gone, I didn't want to keep his ashes in a box. For some reason, I also wouldn't want to split ashes between people, though I have no idea why.
I am so sorry 😞

Whaleandsnail6 · 23/08/2026 12:12

lalalagarden · 23/08/2026 10:46

If he was abusive, I’d be tempted to give him a fake urn with ashes and send him on his way and do what you want. What’s the chances you’ll ever see him again?

Thats a vile, disgusting thing to do

This is both of their son and no-one is right or wrong in what they want to do with his ashes, its a very personal thing.

Op, I think for now, you both need to take some time. Speak to the funeral director if you can, I'm sure they have come across this situation before and will be able to offer support and advice

The main thing is no-one rushes into or feels pressured into doing anything at the moment

Jasmin71 · 23/08/2026 12:16

For my own personal reasons I would never split anyone's ashes. I am so sorry for your loss

JLou08 · 23/08/2026 12:17

I don't think anyone here can tell you what to do. I can understand both yours and your ex's wishes. I wouldn't be comfortable with ashes being split. I'd also want them close to me. I'm really sorry for you loss and I hope you and your ex can come to some agreement.

5128gap · 23/08/2026 12:23

I think this is a wisdom of Solomon situation and the way forward is to keep your sons remains intact as per his father's wishes, but in a location of your choosing. If his father is deeply troubled by not keeping him intact, he should prefer this. Is there a meaningful place close to your home, but not actually in your home you could him him and his father could visit?

CinnamonBuns67 · 23/08/2026 12:24

I wouldn't want my childs ashes split half and half like that either. I'd keep a tiny amount to make into a keepsake but I'd bury the rest.

MistyWater · 23/08/2026 12:26

I’m sorry for your loss.

You don’t need to rush a decision. Usually the funeral director will hold the ashes for you whilst you decide. While it is probably not what you want for your son, we left my Mum’s ashes with them for a year until we decided what to do.

It might give you a middle ground until you can reach a compromise without fear that your ex will do something with them behind your back.

ADHDAnnie · 23/08/2026 12:29

I am so very sorry for your loss OP and that the situation with your DS father is making a difficult time even more difficult.

I don't have anything useful to add, but I hope you are able to reach a resolution.

You and your son are in my thoughts.

DozyCrow · 23/08/2026 12:33

Im very sorry for your loss OP.

A very difficult decision and I can see both sides. However, neither of you has more right to the ashes than the other, so splitting them 50/50 makes more sense to me.

I would ask though who is the lead client on the funeral arrangements? Even if you went together to arrange it, one person has to be the main client to sign things off. That is the person who the ashes will be returned to, so bear that in mind OP (I used to work as a funeral arranger).

SouthLondonMum22 · 23/08/2026 12:36

I wouldn’t be bending over backwards to compromise with someone who is abusive towards me. If you are the one getting the ashes back, do with them as you wish.

This is probably just another way to control you.

craycray431 · 23/08/2026 12:37

I am so sorry for your loss. I agree splitting the ashes is the best thing. Sorry that your ex was abusive, he still (unfortunately) has a right to the ashes. Please take care of yourself at this time and reach out for support and help. XXX

thisandthats · 23/08/2026 12:39

WonderingAboutThus · 23/08/2026 10:49

I am so sorry for your loss.

I would feel very uncomfortable at the idea of splitting up the ashes, myself, so I can understand why he feels that way.

He might be an a-hole but that’s still his kid, who he loves.

Potaytocrisps · 23/08/2026 12:39

IrishPenguin · 23/08/2026 10:46

Difficult decision. Like previous posters I would not want the remains being split /scattered. I am catholic though and you arent supposed to scatter ashes. I know splitting them seems fairer though to people who dont understand/believe that ashes can be split/scattered.

I'm also Irish Catholic and didn't know ashes couldn't be split, our portion of a beloved relative's ashes have accompanied us through many house moves.

In this situation there is no acceptable compromise that I can see so if one parent feels so strongly that they shouldn't be split, then they should be kept by the other one, the father can't say they can't be split AND that he is having all the ashes. So sorry for your loss OP.

canklesmctacotits · 23/08/2026 12:47

Sorry for your loss.

I can’t bear the thought of ashes being spilt, it’s too much like sawing a body in half. However, in this case where your ex has said he wants them whole so that he can be buried, while presumably, next to his son - he’s trying to claim your son 100% for yourself. I’m guessing you don’t want to be buried next to your ex.

You had split custody in life, I think you have to have split custody in death. What a shame.

Given your ex’s reasons for not splitting the ashes aren’t on principle but rather so that he denies you any/has them all for himself, you need to stand firm in saying no.

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