Is it just me or do mums who don’t breast feed seem happier?

[ChristmasBaby2026]

As my username suggests I’m having a baby in December - my first one!

I’ve been thinking a lot about parenting obviously and how we want to do things and I’ve been starting to feel like I don’t want to rely on breastfeeding which is at odds with everyone around me who seems to be exclusively breast feeding, often at the expense of their own wellbeing.

I’m happy to give it a go but I can’t see myself going to great lengths to make it happen if it isn’t easy. The mums I know who are EBF seem tired, stressed, housebound or chained to their baby and their babies seem a lot more fussy. Lots of worry about latch, sore nipples, engorged breasts and whether their baby is eating enough as well. Basically the whole thing seems like it is making early parenting miserable.

By contrast I had lunch with a friend who is exclusively formula feeding and everything seemed like so much less faff. Baby was chill, didn’t need constant feeding during lunch, husband is really involved and sharing feeds. They seemed so much happier!

I breast fed my second and didn’t have any issues having a good night’s sleep the whole time he was a baby. It could have just been luck but I also think not having to leave to make up milk helped me get back to sleep easier. I could just pick him up and breast feed and then go back to sleep soon after.

It’s wholly dependent on the woman I think. I can’t relate to the experience of finding breast feeding difficult but obviously if it is for you then you shouldn’t force yourself to do it.

My agenda is that mothers get good, clear, factual advice and the support they need.

Babies can, very rarely, become dangerously dehydrated or malnourished when inadequate milk transfer goes unrecognised. That is why babies’ feeding, hydration and weight are monitored, and why supplementation is given when clinically necessary.

I'm sorry you had bad experiences. They must have been very frightening. It doesn't mean that they can be generalised to others.

All feeding methods have risks. Powdered formula is not sterile and has very occasionally caused serious or fatal infections. Formula feeding is also associated at population level with somewhat higher risks of certain infections and SIDS. That does not justify describing formula-fed babies as having to “survive formula” either.

Breastmilk and infant formula are both suitable ways to feed babies. I understand that this is an emotive subject and that you have had a very difficult experience. But presenting an exceptionally rare outcome as a general danger of breastfeeding is unnecessary, alarming and, yes, dramatic.

Thankfully, serious harm from either method of feeding is very rare.

I hated it - opted to pump.

But it's okay for you to criticise what other mums do. It's okay for you to be hostile to them? Maybe if breastfeeding mum's (not all of them) didn't act so smug they'd get less hostility. You don't know if mum's have issues that mean they couldn't breastfeed and no you don't have the right to criticise or judge. That's just being nasty and saying oh I'm much better than you when you're not.
I don't think I'm better because I breasted one of mine for a bit, in fact she has more health conditions than my other two who were formula fed.

It’s not an exceptionally rare outcome- EBFing is the leading cause of newborns being readmitted. The hospital I was in had had to open a special area of SCBU to accommodate them.

What you’ve said above is exactly what I found from midwives and HCPs - excessive concentration on the dangers of using formula (whilst refusing to provide advice about using it) and a refusal to mention anything about the risks and dangers of EBFing.

There’s no balance. I had no idea BFing could harm my baby and was set up to fail by the midwives and the constant pushing of BFing.

And, yes, I had support - I did an IBCLC led antenatal class, saw the IBCLC on the postnatal ward, she failed to spot any sign my milk wasn’t coming in. I was gaslit by midwives, relatives and the BFing helpline that the non-stop feeding and crying in the first few days were normal rather than a starving baby.

I bf for three months each time then swapped to bottle as needed that physical and psychological break. They slept much better thereafter so yes, I was happier as so did we. Everything was easier once we got more sleep.

I mean you say you're not anti breastfeeding but you do seem to have quite a fixed idea about what it's like and how difficult it is/how little sleep you'll get/how terrible it is for mum's mental health. Obviously it's your body and baby and you have to make your own choices, but you've really engaged positively with the pro FF posts and really less so with the pro BF posts. Which is fine... But it does feel a little disingenuous to say you're willing to give BF a go...when you seem to have decided there are always downsides to it? There are loads of us on this thread who have said we had absolute hassle free BF experiences, it can be tricky at the start but then lots of things are tricky about having a newborn!

This was exactly my experience. I was worried and told he was latching fine but he wasn't getting anything.

Even then I was hooked up to hospital pumps producing nothing. I bought formula on the way home (after a very scary moment where the crash team has to rush in) and it transformed my baby.

I support breastfeeding but it was ridiculous. I had asked the midwife that did his home visit about formula and was told it was the worst thing I could do. No, letting him use more calories trying to get milk than he was taking in was and put us back in hospital.

There's a tipping point of benefits be it for baby or mother.

Also this.
Regards of how OP chooses to feed her baby I hope that if she was ever 'looking miserable' someone would ask her if she was ok, rather than going home and starting a thread on MN to 'question' her parenting choices.

The double standards shown by some posters on this thread are absolutely appalling.

I'm sorry you had such a terrible time with it. It taking longer than 5 days should've been a sign that formula might be needed to supplement, even if you kept trying to bring your milk in. In the past, before formula, I imagine that women would've got another nursing mum to supplement - the baby wouldn't have just been expected to starve!

I remember with my 1st being initially worried that they didn't seem to be feeding for any length of time, and because of that, concerned that my supply wasn't enough, but my Plunket nurse said as long as they're gaining weight and have plenty of wet nappies, not to worry - and that was the case, for me.

But if baby's not thriving, then for professionals to not recommend using formula (even as a stopgap) is ridiculous, frankly.

Just do what suits you! Theres no right or wrong answer. I ended up FF and found it very easy. Just took some packs of ready to go Aptamil into hospital with me. They have ones with the teets so you don’t need to worry about sterilising anything you just open them and go. They also have some in hospital they can give you if you forget.

With dc2 I had ready made bottles you can buy next to me at night when I got home so I literally just opened the bottle and poured it into a ready sterilised bottle I had prepped before bed time. Super simple. Two happy children and my DH could help with feeds.

I also have had friends who have taken to BF naturally and had no issues with that at all. Everyone is different do whats best for you!

🙄 Maybe read my comment again and you will see that I am making a distinction on the very basis you accuse me of not taking into consideration.

My friend BF her son until he was 4 years old. She also used breast milk for making the family muffins and pancakes. She and her family were very happy with it. I have to say, though, her breasts hung like empty windsocks down to her waist. But as I say, it worked for them.

But you don't know every formula feeding mums circumstances so how can you judge? Even if you do know their circumstances it's still not your place to judge.
A baby can be loved and have a close bond with their mum without breastfeeding. I'm not convinced on all the health benefits (even though they've been proved) as my experience was the opposite.

Personally, I know hundreds of people who BF and only three people who FF from the beginning. All three had very personal reasons for not BF and found the intimacy of breastfeeding something they couldn't stomach. In their specific situations, I think they are happier they had another choice but I don't think they were happier because of FF, that's too simplistic. In fact 2/3 of these friends have dc who co-sleep, well into the pre-school years. They thought that wouldn't be a thing and were surprised b/c they assumed with FF babies they'd be more independent sleepers. Babies/kids are all unique. Your friend may have another baby and FF and have a baby who is fussier and needs less sleep, or they may not. One of my friends who FF, her baby hated the crib and by 11 months would stick his hands down his throat to vomit if he was left there at night. Just as she got pregnant with baby 2 he went on a sleep strike and didn't sleep for more than 2 hrs at a time from age 11 months to well over 2 years! If she was breast-feeding everyone would have blamed that!

While I am very supportive of breastfeeding and it never occurred to me not to, I'm not naive enough to think it works for everyone. Mental health matters too. I was pleased my friends had an option that worked for them. No one should be made to feel less of a Mum b/c they FF.

It is undeniable that for many breastfeeding is initially challenging. Part of that is lack of support in the early days, lack of education during pregnancy about common feeding challenges and how to address them, add to that you are learning this new skill in a major time of transition as a woman/mother/partner. Once breastfeeding gets easier, which for the vast vast vast majority of us it does, I think mum's are really happy they stuck it out.

Learn as much as you can now @ChristmasBaby2026 about breastfeeding. See if there's any baby cafe's and breastfeeding support groups near you, and start going now. They will be an incredible resource to you. I was not able to go with one of my dc due to a very long hospital stay and saw firsthand how much more isolated I was, even surrounded by nurses. Mum's need peer support from other mum's who know what it's like and will cheer them on.

Good luck!

Once its established, bf is so much easier than sterilising bottles, ensuring you have the right amount of bottles for a day out etc. I didn’t want a break from them in the early days and was content it was me waking up to feed them.

Re nipple confusion, with DS2, I expressed for a month first as he just wasn’t able to latch (very small when born) and then we just tried him mid pump one evening on the breast and he was fine. I bf him until 8 months, and he would take an odd bottle too, though rarely needed to as was just easier to feed directly. So he wasn’t confused, he just switched over very easily.

Congratulations!

I did formula but I regret it now because, AFAIK, formula is UPF, causes issues with hunger signals, doesn't create the same immunity function as BF and creates weak chins, apparently.

That could all be true, or not, but that is what I've read over the years. Haven't done a great deal of research into it because my baby days are well behind me.

But, something you might want to look into if you are concerned about any of these things.

YANBU I tried to BF all of my children and deeply regret it. I have no nice memories just severe stress and dread of every feed.They absolutely picked up on my cortisol and stress. Breast feeding caused my last to end up in SCBU malnourished and dehydrated. The consultant there was incensed at how much it’s pushed on young mums. All my babies and I were a gazillion times happier and more content after we switched to formula. I actually started enjoying feeds, as did they and we were all able to finally sleep too.Breastfeeding really impacted bond which really started to kick in once formula feeding stsrted. This was because I could finally relax and focus on them and the joy of feeding them.

Formula is our most scrutinised and regulated food as a society. A few weeks of formula is nothing in the 18 years of childhood and we need to stop demonising it. I know my babies, toddlers, kids and teens had a far healthier childhood diet than the vast majority over all.Ironically if I’d had more support to formula feed I absolutely know I’d have mixed fed earlier and potentially kept up breast feeding for longer which happens in other countries where formula is demonised less.

I love the weird, hyperbolic misogyny of this comment.

It's exactly the sort of thing that a surprising number of FFing mothers felt it was acceptable to say to me, while I was BFing. Why is it seen as acceptable to put down BFing mums with misogynistic shit like that?

Trust me it goes both ways

I’m not not misogynistic. I stated facts. I emphasized that BF worked for her family. I noticed her breasts, but I said nothing about that to her. It wasn’t a judgement, it was simply an observation. Don’t look for offense where none was intended. Her kids turned out great. Again, I simply said what was true. Find someone else to call a misogynist and pick a fight with. I’m sure you have a wide field to choose from.

Ah, so it's factual that her breasts were 'windsocks' down to her ankles (edit: waist)? That sounds like a serious condition that might require treatment.

It's misogynistic. Don't be misogynistic if you don't want it pointed out to you. But it is the sort of thing I got told by FFing mums while I was minding my own business, which is why I point it out, as it bothered me at the time as someone who never commented on anyone else's choices.

Then call out people's misogyny, dont be misogynistic yourself. As I said in another comment, I only mention it because that was the sort of thing that was said to me unsolicited when I never commented on any woman's choices, and it bothered me as a young, first-time mum.

I BF my twins until they were 2.5

I was and still am very proud of myself for the achievement.

Yes BF means you are more 'tied' to your baby but you're supposed to be. We're mammals.

Getting up multiple times a night to FF twins would have put me into an early grave. Co sleeping and BF saved my sanity. I can't even imagine what a shit show it would have been otherwise. If I was to have another baby (not that I can. I'm too old) I would 100% breastfeed.