Is it just me or do mums who don’t breast feed seem happier?

[ChristmasBaby2026]

As my username suggests I’m having a baby in December - my first one!

I’ve been thinking a lot about parenting obviously and how we want to do things and I’ve been starting to feel like I don’t want to rely on breastfeeding which is at odds with everyone around me who seems to be exclusively breast feeding, often at the expense of their own wellbeing.

I’m happy to give it a go but I can’t see myself going to great lengths to make it happen if it isn’t easy. The mums I know who are EBF seem tired, stressed, housebound or chained to their baby and their babies seem a lot more fussy. Lots of worry about latch, sore nipples, engorged breasts and whether their baby is eating enough as well. Basically the whole thing seems like it is making early parenting miserable.

By contrast I had lunch with a friend who is exclusively formula feeding and everything seemed like so much less faff. Baby was chill, didn’t need constant feeding during lunch, husband is really involved and sharing feeds. They seemed so much happier!

Because that's anecdotal evidence. The benefits are seen over a population level. Just like not every smoker gets COPD or lung cancer, not every sunbather gets melanoma, but both increase the risk of these conditions. There are no real guarantees in life, but breastfeeding is better overall. I was formula fed and have asthma and autoimmune disease, I could say it was because I wasn't breastfed, but there's no guarantee that's true.

Breast milk has a sleep hormone in it. Makes them sleepy

It's one of the reasons why I didn't want to breastfeed. I wanted to know how much milk they were getting and that they were definitely getting milk.

I always wanted feeds to be shared with DH too. The thought of having them solely rely on me and me alone for feeding was overwhelming and anxiety inducing.

I agree.

To continue breastfeeding for me meant triple feeding for nine months. An hour pumping every 3hr round the clock for nine months. While taking strong drugs (domperidone) which can lead to Parkinson's symptoms. On top of nursing on demand, and bottle feeding the pumped milk, then topping up with formula. My breasts were bruised from the kneading I had to do to force milk out. Despite the above efforts I never made enough to sustain my baby and he was in fact hospitalised for starvation in the first week of life.

I also could only afford to continue breastfeeding due to being financially comfortable. It took a double electric pump to get any milk out at all, which was very expensive. Luckily I could afford the pump, nipple shields, milk storage bags. On top of the formula, bottles, teats, and sterilising equipment. If I hadn't been financially okay breastfeeding would have been very much out of reach for us.

It sounds like breastfeeding is simple, but that's only when it goes well. I often see stories of people saying they struggled through a difficult first week or two then it was plain sailing, as a way of saying that the hard efforts are worth it. Unfortunately for some of us it's struggling through an incredibly difficult months (nine here) and it never pays off. Not to mention the emotional trauma of your newborn being hospitalised for starvation, which is very hard to move past.

I do wish people would realise that breastfeeding doesn't come easily for so many of us, and that not every baby can survive ebf.

This is so valid tbh.

I was kinda the opposite, in that I was told by all and sundry my baby would get what he needed and to just chill out and stop worrying, while I was saying to anyone who'd listen I wasn't making milk. Or very tiny amounts.

It's absolutely terrifying seeing your precious baby fade before your eyes, hospitalised, being told that they are at risk of brain damage. One of the best pros of formula feeding is knowing with certainty your beautiful baby is getting enough milk to not only survive, but thrive.

But its still more work even if you do have a helper

I felt no pressure to bf and also had zero problems doing it. V happy

Sounds like you had a terribly difficult time. My sympathies. Have you had any support to talk about it? Many mothers who've had a difficult postpartum period don't ever get a chance to really process it, and it can have ongoing effects years later.

'Surviving' ebf is rather a dramatic way of putting it. For most babies it's just how they're fed.

And of course bottlefeeding carries risks. Some info here on how to try to mitigate some of those:

https://www.chelwest.nhs.uk/services/maternity/pregnancy-birth/feeding-your-baby/bottlefeeding-your-baby

I think this thread demonstrates there isn’t much correlation between feeding method and happiness postpartum. PND can affect anyone and you can’t really predict how you’ll find the transition to motherhood, but if I were you I would focus on:

1. Ensuring your partner is prepped to be an equal parent, especially in the early days when presumably they’ll have some pat leave (I don’t know any men as useless as those described on this website personally, but apparently they’re out there.)
2. building your village - may be family, may be friends, you may need to work on building community through antenatal classes
3. if you can saving some money / ensuring you’ll have money on mat leave - you’ll have a nicer few months if you’re not too concerned about finances
4. research mum and baby activities near you and have a think about which ones you might enjoy. Personally I preferred the mum focused ones like yoga where baby just watches. I found having activities reallly helpful for anchoring my days - sometimes just going to a free stay and play, some paid classes.

Breast fed babies still typically wake more frequently because breast milk is slower to digest, and formula typically sits in the stomach for longer. This is thought to be the reason why breastfeeding reduces the risk of SIDS By 50%, because the babies wake more frequently which regulates their breathing and temperature.

My son slept through from 12 weeks. Every baby is different. I fed him every 2 hours to get the calories in.

They have actually done studies recently that show that bottle fed babies ingest a lot of microplastics, a lot more than BF babies. The sterilizing process and the warming up causes plastic to come off. We don't know the long term consequence of this but it can't be good, surely?

It's why I used all glass containers and bottles when I expressed breastmilk ocadionally. But it would have been a nightmare to use glass bottles for all the feeds. They're heavy and expensive.

It isn't more work because you aren't doing all of it. Unless you express, with breastfeeding, it is all on you.

All good points.

OP, there's a lot to learn about motherhood, and it lasts the rest of your life. Everyone has such utterly different experiences that trying to guess whether one thing or another will make you 'happier' is really pointless.

Mothers aren't in competition with each other, and there is no one-size fits all solution, to anything.

Oh i see what you mean, although i dodnt view it as work as so easy

As others have pointed out though, it isn't always easy. Especially at first.

I’m a Consultant Clinical Psychologist specialising in breastfeeding and emotional/mental health. I think it’s a really important topic to highlight! I think a lot of what is focused on societally about bf is how hard it is/isolating/exhausting and all of that can absolutely be true. And it’s also a challenge to share the wonderful aspects too, especially while also trying to be sensitive to those with breastfeeding grief and or trauma, or who didn’t choose to breastfeed. I do think there can be a big impact on mental health from bf, especially when there are challenges, or you don’t have much support, but I also think a large part of that is also about parenting and adjusting to perinatal period too. Breastfeeding can be “scapegoated” to seem the problem, when actually the problem is an unsupportive partner, or anxiety, or mothering without a village ( or something else!)

the mums were still fat a year later
what a delight you are

My DD is breastfeeding but worried as her supply isn’t great. Baby is grand and she’s loathe to give up the precious bonding time with baby

I breastfed DS until he was 3 because I wanted to give him the best start. Most of the time I hated it. I breastfed DD until she was 1, then DH had to wean her overnight onto a bottle because I was rushed to hospital and in for a fortnight. When I got home my supply had dried up so she went onto bottles. I have never regretted it and I was much happier. And guess what? DS has asthma and viral wheeze and DD is fine. DS had a very difficult and risky birth with EMCS, DD had a perfect birth with an APGAR of 10. It’s not just the breastfeeding and I wouldn’t beat myself up about it as much if I did it again. If it makes you miserable and exhausted, feel free to go onto bottles. I do however think the colostrum is important and it certainly helped with bonding and comforting them, so I’d always try to begin with.

Yes, I had treatment for PTSD related to the events surrounding breastfeeding.

'Surviving ebf' is accurate in a proportion of cases, though I'm glad your experiences led you to consider it dramatic rather than relatable. That means you've never had to consider losing your baby due to ebf. There are plenty of mothers with babies that experience failure to thrive, and sadly cases where babies have died due to insufficient supply and nobody recognising and supplying formula in time (often when the mother is being gaslit that her supply is fine and she should avoid formula at all costs). I sought support from the La Leche League, personally, who told me they couldn't support unless I agreed to move to ebf as they couldn't 'condone' formula use as it could 'give my child cancer down the line'. Even after explaining my situation and why I was combo feeding, after hospitalisation for starvation.

I find it interesting you have focused on the risks of bottle feeding while not mentioning the risks of breastfeeding (and indeed, calling one of the most severe risks dramatic). It's clear you have an agenda so I don't share this to change your mind, I share it to educate other mums to be who are yet to embark upon their feeding journey, and to relate to mums who've been through that same dark journey of their baby starving at their breast.

I agree with this. In fact I estimated the cost of breastfeeding a few years ago, and for me it was tens of thousands of pounds!!

I had a bottle refusing baby who struggled to put on weight, so my return to work (self.employed,.so planned to go back very early) was modified to factor in baby, and because I did all the nights and was knackered, my ability to work was hampered for several years.

I also find the 'my husband did other stuff so I wasn't tired' idea baffling. They can do other tasks, but they can't do one that your baby remands very frequently, so you can have no reliable break or sleep. I remember the miserable time I had a D&V bug, and my husband had to bring baby to me to feed on the toilet. Him doing every other aspect of parenting still meant I was on duty. It was grim.

Having experienced a truly even split of labour with ff, the pitiful attempts at evening it up with extra nappies and domestic chores for bf were a drop in the ocean. He was doing those things anyway with our ff baby.

Oh and when ff'ing, I didn't get out of bed at night, had bottles ready to use within 30 seconds of baby waking, and both of my babies (FF and ebf) were equally rank even in the early days. I was disappointed the vaguely pleasant poo I'd been promised was just just as gross as for my previous child.

If probably still bf a third though, just because I liked feeding in a sling, and I liked how natural it felt and that it was a natural product. But it was certainly expensive and knackering.

@TheVeryAngryBanana
im pro breastfeeding, but currently breastfeeding dc3 and I can assure you Im still unfortunately fat 😂
Its happened each time with my three children, despite eating a healthy balanced diet, I do not shift a pound whilst breastfeeding; quite the opposite and my body seems to hang on to every ounce of fat it can. Luckily it all drops off remarkably quickly once I’ve completely stopped breastfeeding each time. But for me, breastfeeding certainly does not help with loosing the baby weight.
Also, it doesn’t matter at all that Im still fat. It’s not the most important defining thing about me. Plus my baby is thriving so it’s worth it for me.

I can’t speak for everyone, but I was happier when I bottle fed 3 babies than when I breast fed 1 baby. There will be women who are the opposite way around.

I put weight on whilst breastfeeding. I was so hungry!! I used to find crumbs on my baby