Is it just me or do mums who don’t breast feed seem happier?

[ChristmasBaby2026]

As my username suggests I’m having a baby in December - my first one!

I’ve been thinking a lot about parenting obviously and how we want to do things and I’ve been starting to feel like I don’t want to rely on breastfeeding which is at odds with everyone around me who seems to be exclusively breast feeding, often at the expense of their own wellbeing.

I’m happy to give it a go but I can’t see myself going to great lengths to make it happen if it isn’t easy. The mums I know who are EBF seem tired, stressed, housebound or chained to their baby and their babies seem a lot more fussy. Lots of worry about latch, sore nipples, engorged breasts and whether their baby is eating enough as well. Basically the whole thing seems like it is making early parenting miserable.

By contrast I had lunch with a friend who is exclusively formula feeding and everything seemed like so much less faff. Baby was chill, didn’t need constant feeding during lunch, husband is really involved and sharing feeds. They seemed so much happier!

You do what is best for you and ignore what anyone else is doing!
I wanted to bf but wasn't allowed to due to the drugs I was on, so I had to bottle feed. My dd has no allergies or immune system disorders, got nothing less than an A* in any exam and I don't have breast cancer 🙄

The noise around this is bonkers.

I found it so hard with my first one, it got me down so I didn’t try with my second one. I was a young mum & I think I would of found it easier if I was older

I know plenty of mums whose husbands said if you FF I’ll help out, and they never did. So they had all the work of FF and a way DH could pitch in but he didn’t. When I BF my husband wore baby for naps so I could nap or he took her early in the morning when she just wanted to be held.

A supportive partner who picks up the slack of the house and all the other jobs while you’re feeding is worth its weight in gold.

I would dispute this and say the opposite is more likely to be true.

I can think of nothing worse than having to get up in the night to sort out formula. So much easier to plug baby on the breast and relax into the feed. Same throughout the day - no worrying about steralising and cleaning and making up.

Physical discomforts you mention (sore nipples/engorgment etc) are only in the first few days/weeks.

The risk reduction for breast cancer is 12.5% chance reduced to 12% if you BF for at least six months AND are under 35.

That makes a difference to the NHS treating millions of women but not to an individual woman.

There were women leaving the BFing antenatal class convinced they wouldn’t
get breast cancer if they BF. That could be lethal if they turn down routine screening or ignore lumps. When I had a lump investigated the cancer specialist shrugged and said BFing made a negligible difference.

Perfect prep bottle- 90 seconds
Microwave bottle steriliser - 4 minutes

Look, I'm not talking about anyone who physically couldn't breastfeed, whose baby had feeding problems, or who didn't have the support to keep going without wrecking their own health — that's completely different and not what I mean. I'm talking about someone who could have breastfed, had the option, and just decided not to. In that case, I think there's a real cost to the child long-term, and I don't think it's fair to talk about it like there isn't one. Anecdotes about how fine a particular baby turned out don't really change what the evidence shows overall. I'm not having a go at you personally — what's done is done — but I do think it gets minimised when it shouldn't be.

I opted to use formula - didn’t try breast feeding.

No, immunity doesn’t work like that.
https://fedisbest.org/2020/01/will-breast-milk-protect-my-baby-from-getting-sick-passive-immunity-101/

As someone who has done all types - exclusively breastfed, combo fed, exclusively pumped and exclusively formula I’d say combo feeding is the best of both worlds, followed by exclusive formula as easiest but then I could afford pre made bottles and my children all took formula at room temperature so there was zero issues. It took less time to pour a pre made formula into a bottle than to get my top and bra unhooked to get boob out. Same at night - I never got out of bed. Just poured in the milk from bedside locker, lifted baby from bassinet beside me and fed. I also never understand people describing it as faff and stressful to sort bottles. Wouldn’t like to see these people deal with general housework and tidying up after toddlers! I always have my house clean and tidy. Bottles can be washed and sterilised in the time it takes to boil the kettle for a coffee.

my children were dreadful sleepers regardless of feeding method btw. The sleep deprivation was dreadful.

Yep, so whilst I would not dream of commenting in a social context, on this thread I have expressed what I think about that in the light of the medical evidence. That is a reasonable response on this type of forum.

I BF mine for over three years. I don’t think it was worth all the hassle, or the expense.

If I’d known combi-feeding existed, I’d have done that from the start, it really is the best of both worlds and we’d have avoided no end of problems and hospital admission if we’d also used formula instead of sticking with EBF.

If someone has a straightforward birth and no underlying medical conditions it’s a lot easier to start BfIng and for it to “work”. The reality for those without that experience is that BFing is incredibly difficult. I was particularly annoyed with the BFing support group who had a “don’t give up on a bad day” approach because it assumed there were also good days.

Could it be that women who are happy to ignore the evidence and go with what works for them are happier? The ‘happy mum, happy baby’ crowd versus the analysing evidence and trying to do everything ‘right’? Mums who trust their guts because their neighbour’s baby was bf and always ill but their niece was ff from birth and at Oxford uni and never ill because they don’t care to understand benefits are measured at a population level? I’m quite envious of people who don’t worry as much as I do. Maybe those who bf are more likely to put pressure on themselves generally and are therefore always going to be less happy?

Front experience this is definitely true with nap routines, I nearly killed myself with it. But feeding was instinctive, seemed to me to be entirely unnatural to feed a synthetic product if I didn't have to.

Oh, that's not too bad, really! Although it was getting out of bed at all that I would've hated – I literally just adjusted myself slightly in bed (co-sleeping with no pillow, and one light blanket). And once they were 6 or 7 months old they were basically feeding themselves without even waking me Sadly, they couldn't change their own nappies, so their dad was stuck doing that most nights!

It’s the disconnect between being told that BFing is vital for yours and your baby’s health, enjoyable, relaxing, convenient and free.

And then finding the reality is none of those things.

There are soooo many factors at play it's just not possible to make a sweeping generalisation that 'all mothers who do xyz are happier'.

The thing that matters is what works for you and your baby. It's been illustrated 1000x on this thread already - one person's idea of sorting out bottles is a faff and a nightmare, but for someone else carrying the burden of being the sole source of food is stressful. Different strokes for different folks.

I FF both of mine from the start and didn't find it a faff any more than other elements of baby care, like changing blowouts or dealing with wind/reflux/colic. But I do feel guilty for not trying to breastfeed even though there are multiple reasons why it wouldn't have been the right choice for me. I would love to shuck off that guilt but the 'breast is best' message continues to hit home whenever I see it.

The best thing to do is lower your expectations of yourself, try to keep the pressure off, and try what you want to try. Change to a different feeding method if what you are doing isn't working, or is making you stressed. We are lucky to live in a time where formula is safe, readily available and a very good second-best option for babies.

I agree with you! This is definitely my observations from the antenatal group and other groups I'm part of.

I think there is a sunken cost fallacy with breastfeeding. Lots of the mums have put so much into it for so many months (mastitis, no sleep, clinginess, struggles to get baby to feed, feeding consultants, all sorts!) it would just be too depressing to give up now or consider that maybe it hasn't been worth it or has taken too much.

Breastfeeding can be tough in the early days. I was sore for a while. But after that it was easy and free and there were no issues feeding my second. It's worth weighing it all up including your baby's wellbeing as well as your own but also not prejudging how it will be for you. Look at local breastfeeding support groups on your area that you can visit if there are issues.

YANBU. I wonder if it's also a personality thing? The mum's that don't cave to the pressure to breast feed are probably quite confident in their own judgment, and have a healthy attitude towards different parenting decisions. If they're confident enough to happily formula feed their baby maybe they feel equipped to handle other parenting challenges too in a way that works for them?

There's probably a correlation between the mums that feel massive pressure to be the absolute best at everything for their baby and the ones that know if they're happy their baby will thrive, and let stuff go more. I know from experience the ones that try force breastfeeding for months on end even when it's causing pain all around are often the ones that approach weaning with gusto, getting recipe books, homemade batch cooking, stressing over a pouch, worrying their baby isn't getting enough fruit and veg etc.!

There's also the absolute toll it can take on a mother if she is trying to breastfeed and it just isn't working for her and the baby. Honestly, I had no idea how difficult it would be. Pumping around the clock, bruised breasts, sacrificing sleep to pump and then having to stay awake to nurse anyway, the relentless stress of being the only one that can feed the baby and never being able to be away from them. When you formula feed you can share parenting in a truly equal way, which means more rest and sleep for the mum, which is also crucial when recovering from the birth.

Formula feeding also means avoiding the massive psychological stress of cluster feeding or failure to thrive. Worrying if your baby is getting enough, and the heartbreak when you find out they're not.

I did it all: ebf, mixed feeing, pumping, formula, and I personally loved breastfeeding and wished I could have done it forever, but I would have been a much happier and less stressed person if I'd just formula fed from the beginning. I encourage every mum to do what feels best for them and their baby and don't be afraid to make a decision to stop bf if it's causing stress and pain. Happy mum happy baby, and you as a human being matter so much too. You're worth more than just what your breasts can produce.

The only regret I have in my entire life is that I didn't accept a couple of weeks in breastfeeding just wasn't going to work for us and stop. I punished myself for months on strong prescription drugs (domperidone) because I couldn't forgive myself for starving my baby to near-brain damage. I had no idea how extreme the trauma from breastfeeding could be, because it's never spoken about.

How utterly patronising.

Totally the opposite of my experience. Breastfed babies I knew slept well, thrived, mothers found it the most convenient thing after perhaps a little bit of learning of how to get the baby to latch on (my mum showed me, and I never looked back). Breastfeeding both DC and it was the best decision I ever made.
They were never fussy / crying, slept well (as we co-slept and they could just latch on in the night).

I think you're seriously underestimating the power of the boob!

Also, the benefit for the baby is immesurable. If you really think that Cow & Gate can offer what a million years of evolution have perfected..... However, if a mum is unable to breastfeed, it's good that we have adequate alternatives. But I certainly wouldn't say it's something for a woman to reject on a whim. There will be many sacrifices required during your time as a parent. Breastfeeding may seem hard at first but trust me it's nothing compared to all the challenges motherhood will throw at you, so you may as well start putting your child's interest first from the off. It'll take like a week or two to get used to it, but the benefits to the baby are for a lifetime, and also to the mum - breastfeeding reduces odds of breast cancer, or to be more precise, not breastfeeding is one of the recognised risk factors later on.

I had a big to cosleeping. Babies were noisy active sleepers. Sharing a bed would have meant non of us getting any sleep. Thankfully they slept through at 4 months and in their own rooms at 6 months. DH his share of nights so neither of us were sleep deprived.

It is, isn't it?