Is it just me or do mums who don’t breast feed seem happier?

[ChristmasBaby2026]

As my username suggests I’m having a baby in December - my first one!

I’ve been thinking a lot about parenting obviously and how we want to do things and I’ve been starting to feel like I don’t want to rely on breastfeeding which is at odds with everyone around me who seems to be exclusively breast feeding, often at the expense of their own wellbeing.

I’m happy to give it a go but I can’t see myself going to great lengths to make it happen if it isn’t easy. The mums I know who are EBF seem tired, stressed, housebound or chained to their baby and their babies seem a lot more fussy. Lots of worry about latch, sore nipples, engorged breasts and whether their baby is eating enough as well. Basically the whole thing seems like it is making early parenting miserable.

By contrast I had lunch with a friend who is exclusively formula feeding and everything seemed like so much less faff. Baby was chill, didn’t need constant feeding during lunch, husband is really involved and sharing feeds. They seemed so much happier!

I realised before you posted that you said 'couldn't' so have already asked MN HQ to delete my response. Apologies for not checking properly.

Is that to me?

The benefits are seen on a demographic/statistical level. A bit like how not everyone who drinks and drives will have a car accident, and some people who don't drink and drive will have car accidents, but overall, drink driving is a risk factor for car accidents. It's the same with breastfeeding, and health benefits. I was glad that those benefits came with BFing, but they weren't the main reason I did – I just wanted to.

And on an individual level, those benefits aren't enough to outweigh a mum's mental well-being, imo, and there are other factors at play too of course. Breastmilk seems to be 'the best' in an ideal circumstance, but formula is often the best actual choice for a family as a whole, when looking at every factor.

I have 2 DC, felt much like you first time, I'll give it a go but wasn't going to great lengths. It was harder than I expected, I felt chained to the house and the baby, couldn't cope with feeling 100% required and responsible for feeding a baby with absolutely no predicability or schedule so swapped to formula around day 10.

Then the rest of my NCT group had their babies (I was due first, but also gave birth at 37weeks so was 'on my own), I saw them have the same struggles, but push through. And then I was envious that they could just grab baby and head out on our get togethers while I was guesstimating how many bottles I'd need and at what time to try and have them at the right temperature at the right time, more often than not ending up with it too early and her refusing it or too late and being annoyed.

I tried breastfeeding again with #2 and was more intent on pushing through. We actually had a much harder feeding journey, I ended up with a damaged nipple that I had to rest so could only feed on one side for a week, was pumping round the clock, seeking specialist support. I remember my mum (who never breasted and didn't get the fuss) asking me at 4 weeks when I would just give up as she could see I would be, in that moment, happier, and I said if by week 8 things weren't looking easier I would accept it wasnt going to happen. Things improved significantly around week 6, and we went on to exclusively breastfeed after that with no issue and my life was much easier than it would have been juggling bottles etc with a toddler in tow as well. I was also lucky that the early pumping meant he would take the odd bottle here and there of expressed milk if I wanted to go out, and at 6 months we introduced a single bottle of formula at bedtime so that I wasn't the only one who could get him to sleep.

While those early days were dark and all the things you described, and at the time they feel never ending, on reflection it was such a small period of time and the long term savings/convenience was so worth it!

This seems an odd comment to make now given that is literally the premise of the thread, to criticise BF mothers as 'miserable'.
We can say it's just an observation but if someone started a thread with 'is it me or do FF mothers care more about looking cute than their babies' they'd have their arse handed to them and rightly so.

Saying BF is nutritionally better than FF is true. That's not criticising anyone.

The premise of the thread was incredibly goady and there has been an awful lot of questioning BF mothers for their choices - 'why don't you want to go out'. That's not ok.

The truth is no one really cares how you feed your baby. It's a low blow to slag off other women - who you have no idea about - in order to unnecessarily justify something.

I was open minded re feeding. Fortunately bf was the easiest option for DDs and me, it was reasonably straightforward. If it had been difficult I'd have gone direct to bottles and formula without passing Go! I did introduce a bottle and expressed milk asap though also as I absolutely did want to go out, or go to bed at 9.30pm and let DH, who never goes to bed before midnight, handle the 11pm feed.

I exclusively expressed and topped up with formula, then moved to formula feeding fully. I wouldn’t say I was happier as it was a faff with the sterilising and cleaning pumps, but it meant my husband could do some of the night feeds and take them out so I could sleep or have a wee break. It worked for us really well!

The first few weeks were definitely a steep learning curve but breastfeeding paid off for us. I remember being out with a group of fellow new mums at about 3 months and a few were stressing that they didn’t have enough formula to stay longer.

It wouldn’t have suited my personality to have to constantly sort bottles and lug a huge bag around. I never needed anything bigger than a buggy organiser in the end. It made me happy, anyway.

I think it depends on the baby. I bf my 1st and it was soooo easy. No warming up bottles, always available (for example after vaccines) and helped me lose my baby weight.
Expected the same with my second and it was so difficult. We got through it but if she had been my first it would have put me off!
Pros and cons for each probably.

All of this.

FF can be useful if BFing doesn't work, of course, but oh my word the faff of sterilising, the extra cost, the worry of running out. A total PITA.

Boobs are free, always available, and the bonding from BFing is fantastic. Plus there are the amazing properties of breastmilk, protect the mother as well as the baby, adjusting according to temperature so you never have to worry about dehydration, etc.

Formula companies are enormous multinational corps and do a lot of very hard work to convince women that FF is best. Part of that includes fostering negative ideas about breastfeeding.

I've often seen threads on MN that seem set up to undermine breastfeeding.

Yes, sorry - in a rush to apologise and did not link properly.

Or undermine those who decide to use formula

Congratulations, OP! Do what is right for you. I exclusively BF my baby (it was tiring, but that was my job) and when his appetite increased and I couldn’t keep up, I started to combi feed him. He’s 10m now, and mostly bf for comfort/sleep. I’ve loved being able to just whip a boob out to sooth him 😆 I also love the bond you feel when breastfeeding your bubba. You’ll know what works for you, though.

I found it really easy and absolutely loved it. Yes there were times it was hard during the middle of the night, but I don’t think it would have been different if I had given my daughter formula.

BF is like having magic, hungry? Boob. Tired? Boob. Upset? Boob. Hurt? Boob.

I expressed using a Hakka, after 2 weeks. Just enough for my husband to give her a bottle while I had a bath.

Also, breast milk is just amazing how it works. It changes to your babies needs, if they are ill, constipated. My daughter never needed more than 4/5 oz of breast milk, because it gets more nutritious as they get older.

I also never had to think about taking or making bottles when out and about. I always had my boobs with me.

It is obviously a personal choice, so what is best for you. I would give it a try though. The first couple of weeks were the hardest. Getting established and babies feed often and little as their stomachs are so small.

Whatever you think is best is always the right option. Maybe try breastfeeding and if you take to it then fab, but there’s nothing wrong at all with bottle feeding. You could express and feed baby your breast milk in a bottle? I think I just wasn’t prepared enough. I didn’t really know enough about keeping supply up and expressing etc so for me with my first I fell at the first hurdle. I have to say I found bottle feeding a lot easier and they did sleep longer. But it’s completely your decision and as we all know, breast fed, bottle fed, they’ll all have a bang to the head getting them in and out the car at some point or other

Some find it very easy, but establishing bfing can be hard, yep.

What we need is better support - peers, friends, family. I mean that applies to all new mothers, for everything! Newborn days can be intense. Best would be having people to cook, clean, look after and support the mother, so she can focus on herself and the baby for the first few weeks.

For bfing, there is support out there, but not everyone can access it. La Leche League, local baby groups, Kellymom. MN can be good too.

I very desperately wanted to EBF all of my babies and each has been a real challenge. I hated formula feeding (it’s expensive, the cleaning and sterilising annoyed me, having to take so much stuff out with me, it made travelling harder too) and I hated exclusive pumping (it’s time consuming, you can’t really skip a pump, it’s all the hard work of BF with none of the convenience). I wanted to just be able to be out with the babe and feed them as needed, be spontaneous if someone invited me for a coffee after a baby group and not have to mental maths it as to whether I had come out with enough milk and bottles. The times I did achieve this, it was so lovely. One less thing to worry about! Successful breastfeeding (in so much as you meet your own goals) is protective of PND and so I think it’s worth really thinking whether it’s for you.

Regardless of feeding method, if you have a supportive partner & can get rest/time for you you’ll feel okay. My husband is wonderful and was involved even when I was EBF because he wasn’t shit!

What I’m wondering though is whether what you’re actually wondering is about the shift of motherhood for you, the enormity of it and the pressure and the worry. It’s a big thing, becoming a mother for the first time and we all want to get it “right” and do the best for our kids. Formula feeding won’t get rid of every worry you could have, you will still worry if they are getting enough, if they’re sleeping enough, what to wean them onto, are they doing enough tummy time, WHY are they crying!

Wasn’t all the breastmilk supposed to protect him from everything for life? Well no, of course not. Who told you that? Someone misinformed you, or you misunderstood the messaging around breastfeeding. If breastmilk protected against all illnesses for life we wouldn’t really need a medical industry.

Sorry to hear your DH has health conditions, that must be difficult.

@SewYellowLikeButter

its not the best option for the child if it makes their mum miserable, is it?!

happy mum = happy baby 😀

It shouldn't be about about what is easier, and to be honest once breast feeding is established its far easier than bottle feeding. Ive had 3 children and have breast & bottle fed. The 1st week is usually the worst trying to get established. There 's no getting away from the fact that your breast milk is best for your baby. The relaxin that your body releases when the baby latches just completely chills you out. You can also pump so that your better half can do a night feed, giving you a few more hours of unbroken sleep. I would definately give it a go.

She didn't say that that. She simply stated that it's healthier. It's true. She hasn't said 'therefore that should take precedence above everything else'

The defensiveness is so weird.

I breastfeed and co slept with my babies until weaned. (19 months for my first and second is 17 months still feeding.)

First went into his own bed and sleeps really well.

Thought I’d be feeding my first until 6 months then off. But I wasn’t keen on using formula so just kept going, introducing cows milk after 1 year.

Dealing with mastitis,

engorgement and sore nipples at times is unpleasant, missed out on some early work opportunities as didn’t want to be away from my babies for super long days, but this journey (although seems long at 1.5+ years for each child) is such a short time in mine and my child’s life and once it’s over, it’s gone forever.

It does limit you in some ways but I never wanted to leave my babies for very long times anyway and have been able to work, socialise, exercise and have hobbies while breastfeeding. I’ve not been able to drink as much alcohol as I used to but this is only a good thing for my health. I still have one or two if I fancy it.

It’s helped me lose the baby weight both times (I can and do still wear my pre first pregnancy clothes.) It helps the uterus contract after birth, flat stomach 3 days after first baby! Second took a little longer to go back but is there now.

It is how nature intended for our babies to be fed. Your milk changes in response to your babies needs as they get sick, as they grow.

If for whatever reason you can’t then formula is fine, as people say fed is best, but breast milk really is gold standard nutritionally for your baby. If you can’t do the whole slog, then whatever you can even just the first few days is worth while.

Women should be supported whatever they choose but I can’t imagine having gone down any other route.

Admittedly might have regrets when I see the saggy flaps I get left with!

Regardless of feeding method, if you have a supportive partner & can get rest/time for you you’ll feel okay. My husband is wonderful and was involved even when I was EBF because he wasn’t shit!

I couldn't disagree with this more.

My husband is a fully involved parent, and we've approached parenting as equals. With my bottle fed baby we were truly equals. We took equal responsibility for night feeds, and shared nights meant neither of us were tired. This was a man who took 6 months off for each child so he could fully share parenting.

With my second the plan was that we'd continue doing 50-50 feeds but mine via breast, his formula. That fell through as baby refused bottles, so I ebf.

He did his absolute best to fully share in parenting, but the reality was the burden mostly fell on me. There was nothing he could do to stop me seeing every hour of the night for many months (ok years) on end.

The contrast was stark and had a massive effect on my energy and mental health. The difference wasn't his willingness to muck in - he was desperate to find a way to rest. The difference was the feeding mechanism.

I think some bottle feeding Mums are probably happier due to getting more sleep as cow's milk tends to put babies in a bit of a milk coma and they don't have to feed on demand as often and physically it's less demanding. However BF can reduce a mother's chance of breast cancer, can improve a baby's immune function, may lead to higher educational attainment etc. so it's cost/benefit really?