AIBU to end things with fiance who contributes nothing financially?

[Thereandbackagainagain]

Just had yet another row with my fiance about money and effort. I’m so completely fed up.

For context, he has not properly worked for nearly 18 months. Hasn’t contributed ANYTHING to the joint account for that whole time. Hadn’t paid enough NI even when he was working (ad hoc minimal hours but relatively well paid per hour) to be able to get JSA or any other benefit. Basically, I’m expected to support him.

He hasn’t stepped up to do more at home. Won’t cook. Will only clean once I’ve reminded him about five times then gets snappy. I’m running myself ragged working 50-60 hours a week to keep paying the mortgage and bills then come home to a mess. He uses the joint account to buy (what I think are) luxuries like vapes and alcohol only he drinks.

I cannot afford to keep doing this, mentally or financially. But how the hell do I end it when he’s got no income?

move everything to your own bank account asap

Jesus wept. This man doesn’t love you, he’s using you. He’s watched you return from work after being poorly and he’s sitting on his arse smoking and vaping.
He’s doing it because he can.
He is doing it because you are allowing it.
It is telling that his parents won’t take him - most would in a homeless situation.
However, he’s now. He’s get a tidy sum from the house sale.
I follow a great lady on Insta called Rachel Starting Over very similar to you. He refused to accept it was over and move out so she had to organise the whole thing herself.
She got legal advice first and they had two kids - nightmare.
But got him out she did and she’s like a new person.
It actually doesn’t matter about love at this stage. It’s about being exploited and you are.
Go and get some proper advice.
Get your own life back.
And then meet an equal to share your life with.

Get rid of the joint account for a start so he can't touch your money....you don't owe him anything, he's brought it all upon himself. He's not a victim of circumstance to be homeless.

Whilst you are getting things organised OP, and assessing your various options, I think it would be better not to let him know what your plans are. He clearly feels that he has a right to live for free off of your efforts and if he gets wind that the gravy train is coming to an end he will take steps to dig himself in further and make it hard for you to cut him loose.

Stop having your salary paid into the joint account and transfer the bills to your new account, then when appropriate ask to be removed from the joint account and then tell him it's over. He's not your responsibility.

Oh ffs

YABVVVVVVU to put up with this shit.

Get rid.

He can get a job.

Stop putting money in the joint account.

he wants money.. he gets a job or signs on.

@Thereandbackagainagain I’m running myself ragged working 50-60 hours a week

Working above 48 hours is illegal unless you've opted out. I take it you have opted out, given you say you're doing this to pay the bills, is this correct?

If you don't mind me asking, what industry or field do you work in which provides you with additional work on a regular basis?

I had similar with my ex just not for as long as you had, We were together 3 years, My ex was in and out of work, the longest was 12 weeks, other times he would leave a job and jump straight to another, yet very flighty, Yet during the 12 weeks of not working that time all he did was moan, whinge, didn't do any housework & moaned that I wasn't giving him money for tobacco. I was working, and came home to him sat there like a teenage slob that somedays during that time wasn't even bothering to get a shower,

I have two teenage children, my ex wasn't their dad, I just found his lazy nature really unattractive as my ex husband (my childrens dad) like me is career-minded and likes a nice life as do I. It got to the point when my ex was out of work I struggled to have enough money for gas. As I live in a large house, and he was sat on his arse for 12 weeks and it had it on all day, and it was costing me a fortune.

This is the funniest part he sent a message to a woman he had a fling with years before I met him, complaining I wasn't meeting his needs. As she sent me the message, he moved out a week later, saying he was sorry and that he needed to go sort his life out. I was fuming that he was saying I wasn't meeting his needs, when he wasn't even meeting my basic one of contribute financially.

He messaged me 2 years later saying he was sorry for hurting me, as what he did was not just message an ex fling he was sat in my house when he was out of work, messaging other woman trying to meet up with them, one did and he was living with her 4 months after he left me. He wanted me to meet him when he contacted, instead I contacted the woman he hurt me for, and she said hes just a lazy nasty drunk - it appears hes drowning his sorrows in rum - Karma I say.

Relationships should be equal, or at least agreed boundaries, for example I didn't work for 1 year when I was married when my son was 3 and my daughter had just started 4, as I was taking my son to nursery for morning stays from 9 to 11:45 and had to collect my daughter from school by 3. When my son started school I went back to work, yet my last ex was just lazy and someone who quite frankly wasn't stable or settled enough for me. Only time I would be ok with supporting someone temporarily would be if they were made redundant, yet plain laziness no way, as no one should feel burdened by someone else who just can't be bothered to get off their bottom.

This is similar to me now. He is early 60s, we are not engaged, it's my house, no mortgage and he's working cash in hand for friends. I've told him I can't take anymore and I have no romantic feelings for him, haven't had for years but, big but, he has no money to move out. Everything points to a gambling habit and I can't believe I didn't realise. How big? I don't know but any mention leads to an argument, a massive over reaction on his part and a lot of resentment on mine.

Don't be me, I was also married to a sponger who didn't have regular employment and expensive hobbies, cycling and motorcycling. How could I go wrong twice? I can't say love is blind because I've never been "in love" and I don't think I'm capable of love, fondness maybe but not love. There won't be a third time I can guarantee that.

Tell him to go. 18 months is a long time there are jobs out there agency work etc. I’d end it as this is probably just the start of what your life would be like if married to him. You deserve better & he is happy to keep doing that whilst you keep providing. I speak from experience as I was once in a similar position. After a few months it’s easy for them they do what they want eat your food use your amenities etc without lifting a finger. He won’t change so I’d say tell him to go. 18 months is a long time. I did it for 8 months it’s hard & makes you resentful as you can see no effort is being made in their part. The stress of it will have damage to your health as well.

1. Tell him it’s over and you want him to leave.
2. Close the joint account immediately and transfer the contents to your own bank account. Stop subsidising him. Once he has no access to your money, he’ll have to do something.
3. Get a proper valuation and check re-mortgage options and then offer him £X or put the house on the market.

You’re going to have to bite the bullet and take charge of your future. You’ve made it far too cushy for him and you’ve given him more than enough time to sort himself out. He’s the definition of a Cock Lodger!!

Bin him. If you don’t you will have a lifetime of pain with this douche .

Get rid of the joint account. If he won't, get your salary into a different account.

I'm sure he will find himself some work once you stop giving him a free ride.

Any teaching job just as an example.

He has shown you who he is. Imagine you became ill and couldnt work - i think you can imagine who he would be then.

Wow, where did you find such a prince OP? YABVVU for getting into a relationship with him in the first place.

Before you tell him you want to spit get all the financials sorted.

Since you are paying all bills, transfer any direct debits etc to be paid from your own account (or set up a new account solely in your name to pay the mortgage and bills). That way you will be certain that the bills will be paid, whatever happens. Then stop transferring any money to the joint account.

Speak to the bank about the joint account, tell them you are separating. Many banks require the agreement of both parties to close a joint account (which your stbx might not comply with), but you can request to have the account frozen so he can't incur any debt that you might be equally liable for, or you may be able to request 2 signatures for any withdrawal.

Assuming that you both contributed equal amounts to the deposit (if not this would need to be factored in). If your property has increased in value by £300K over 12 years that equate to a straight line calculation of £25K per annum. He contributed (even if not equally) for 10 years so he might be entitled to £125K. The past 2 years was funded solely by you, which you can evidence, so you might claim all of the increase over that period, meaning you might be entitled to £175K. Speak to a solicitor about this and get a letter drafted.

Speak to a mortgage adviser about whether you could increase your borrowing to buy him out. Then he either leaves or you sell the house.

Good luck.

There is no landlord, they own the property.

Hi. YaBU for putting up.with this. If two people own a house and one wants to sell then the house has to be sold. Get him out, put the house on the market and try to get something more than 50 % to make up for his lack of contributions ,although as unmarried joint owner legally you are entitled to half each in the absence of a joint agreement saying otherwise. Be aware that he has a right to occupy until the house is sold

You have been too nice, too long.

Getting rid of this scrounger will feel like a huge breath of fresh air!

Lots of people sell things on eBay to make a living. He could use say £200 or so buying a basic stock and then see how much profit he can make. Is he a handy man type. If so there is a lot of demand and he could sort out a job. Other than that consider finishing with him and with any luck you will meet someone with an actual job.

If it's your house then you can simply change the locks. It's not your problem that he has no money. Wash your hands of him.