AIBU to end things with fiance who contributes nothing financially?

[Thereandbackagainagain]

Just had yet another row with my fiance about money and effort. I’m so completely fed up.

For context, he has not properly worked for nearly 18 months. Hasn’t contributed ANYTHING to the joint account for that whole time. Hadn’t paid enough NI even when he was working (ad hoc minimal hours but relatively well paid per hour) to be able to get JSA or any other benefit. Basically, I’m expected to support him.

He hasn’t stepped up to do more at home. Won’t cook. Will only clean once I’ve reminded him about five times then gets snappy. I’m running myself ragged working 50-60 hours a week to keep paying the mortgage and bills then come home to a mess. He uses the joint account to buy (what I think are) luxuries like vapes and alcohol only he drinks.

I cannot afford to keep doing this, mentally or financially. But how the hell do I end it when he’s got no income?

Agreed.

OP you will be amazed at how quickly he finds another woman to leech off of.

Put the house on the market, he can take his share of the equity and rent somewhere or rent a room. You can take your share, buy on your own and start a lovely new life @Thereandbackagainagain

So you’ve been together 7 years and he’s not really been earning for the last 18 months. You’re financially entangled and that makes breaking up more complicated because the house would probably need to be sold. If you can’t trust a man financially then that should be enough as he’ll be a liability to you later down the line. The not pulling his weight with chores is just the cherry on the cake. If the house was solely in your name would you ask him to leave? If you’d met him today in his current work situation, would you have got together with him? You’ve been very patient hoping things would change

Like hell would I work all hours to pay for someone else tp sit on their arse drinking and vaping! My advice is:

• tell him it's over and stop sharing a bed.

• set up your own bank account and stop your income going into the joint account

• pay essential bills from your own account so your credit rating isn't damaged

• decide what to do about the house - he moves out or give notice

Sell the house or buy him out asap. You are paying into his half of the property so split NOW, sever joint financial responsibilities NOW to minimise the cash you are literally handing the useless dick.

This is not somebody to build a life with.

Do this in stages. Set up your own current account today. Email payroll on Monday and give them your new bank details and ask for your salary to be paid in to that. Move all the bills over to that. Contact the bank with your joint account and ask them to close the account, you may well need to say that your partner is being controlling and financially abusive for them to close it without permission from him but that wouldn’t be untrue.

Once you have done this sit down with your partner and tell him and ask what his plan for work is. Hopefully the reality of him being financially cut off may make him step up.

then go from there.

Can I just decide to sell the house? What if he refuses? I can’t just move out but equally don’t see how I can force him to move out either.

Would he have any claim on my money/ pension?

The good news is that my salary gets paid into my personal account already. The joint account is the mortgage and bills account which I transfer money into. So I have a standing order that goes in on the 1st of the month that covers mortgage, bills, council tax, food, pet insurance.

No children. That was linked to me being very poorly so has taken some time to come to terms with.

He has no claim on your money or pension.

Regarding the house , see a solicitor ASAP.

Your dp is an adult. He needs to take responsibility for himself.

YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIM.

Can I just decide to sell the house?
Yes.
What if he refuses?
You would have to get a court order. Easily done, just costs time and money. Well worth it though.

I can’t just move out but equally don’t see how I can force him to move out either.
You "force" him out by selling it. You can both live there in the meantime but you don't have to provide him with any money, eg for food or vapes, or do his laundry. Sleep in separate bedrooms.

Would he have any claim on my money/ pension?
No to both as thankfully you are not married. You only owe him his share of the house but you can take selling costs (EA and solicitors) off first.

Run like the wind OP, he won't change. But where he goes/lives is no longer your concern. Tell him to go to Citizens Advice for benefits/housing help and his GP for mental health support but that is it, the rest is up to him. Good luck.

EDIT
Close the joint account and pay the bills directly. Cut off food and spending money. Don't let him be comfortable at your expense.

Put your salary into your own account. Stop any money going to him, or being accessible. Have the bare minimum food in the house, so he can’t eat. Stop all credit cards in both your names. Boot him out of the house and tell him not to come back until he has a full time job. Ask him how is he not embarrassed. Ask his mum how is he not embarrassed. Put restrictions on the WiFi/ change the password so he can’t use it, stop paying his phone bill. Library’s have internet to find jobs from.

That’s a good point about the internet- I pay that from my personal account so we could get a good deal as a ‘new customer’.

Can you afford to buy him out? If not, you will have to sell.

@Thereandbackagainagain firstly he needs to stop spending money from the joint account. Tell him thats for household bills only. Alcohol and vapes need paying with his own money.

Why hasn't he got a job?

Secondly he needs to do all the cooking and housework. Tell him that this is nkt negotiable.

First off, you open your own bank account & have your salary paid into that. Don't ask him, don't warn him, don't apologise for doing it; just get it done now. He'll only change when his circumstances force him to. Then tell him he needs to present as homeless to the council & get his benefits put in place properly. You're being absolutely fleeced & the longer you allow it to go on, the bigger the risk of him being entitled to a share of that home you're killing yourself to pay for & maintain alone.

According to Zoopla, the house has nearly doubled in value since we bought it.

If I take the lower end of the valuation range, subtract the amount we still owe, the money left is just over £300k. Would I have to remortgage to raise £150k to buy him out?

Ditch the cocklodger. He adds nothing to your life or society as a whole. Stop making him your problem.

Yes.

You tell him that he has not contributed either money or household labour and you are breaking up with him.

It’ll be tough for you if you love him, but how can someone love such a loser and a user?

Have you got children. I think you need to start taking steps to end this relationship. He will have to sort himself out or you will be ill from stress.

Under current law, no he would have no rights to your savings and pension although a new bill for cohabitation rights is being proposed now. Honestly it’s shit. You can force a house sale through the court but the cost of doing it this way is enormous. You can’t order him out of a house he jointly owns. I was in a similar situation and your best bet is to speak to a financial advisor and see whether in theory you could afford to buy him out. If he’s reasonably sensible he will avoid court as it’s basically a game of who runs out of money to pay legal costs first IME

Please tell me it isnt a joint mortgage.

I think you know what you have to do because the situation isn’t sustainable. Stop putting cash into the joint account.

I would also - to add to the other pps advice - check that all the bills are paid up to date. There's always the chance that things are bouncing about if he's spending bill money on vapes and goodies for himself and he might be covering up any evidence that things are going unpaid.