AIBU to insist my parents book a hotel for their visit?

[WalkBackwards]

We have moved house recently and our parents have been wanting to visit. We have said they can but that they will have to book a hotel as the spare bedrooms aren’t ready yet, or they can wait another couple of months and everything will be done in the house so they can then stay with us.

They asked if there are beds in the spare rooms, which there are, so they suggested one of our children (adult and teenager) could sleep in there and they could have their room. I said no as the spare rooms are messy and being used for storage. They have now messaged our children to ask if they mind sleeping in another room so they can have their bedroom. I called my mum and told her not to do that, we had said no and if they want to visit, they need to get a hotel or wait.

Were we unreasonable to say no to this? My parents plan to visit for 2 weeks at the start of September. My oldest child is only here til just after they plan to leave as he is going back to uni and my teenager needs her own space for studying as she is starting year 13.

Total rubbish! We are not in Victorian times. OP has explained why the children very reasonably need to be in their own rooms. Her parents do not need to come. We do not give in to seniority, especially if they are being unreasonable. We are all equal. I am quite senior!

We were willing to compromise. We were willing to tidy up a spare room enough for them to sleep in which would have taken time we don’t really have with so much on already. We were willing to give them our room, but they didn’t want to get up early with bathroom fitters needing access to the room. We were willing to find them a hotel. My son and gf have spent time looking for an airbnb. We are willing to have them visit at an inconvenient time which is compromise in itself.

We also offered them to sleep in a summerhouse, which I didn’t mention. They didn’t want to sleep ‘outside’ in a ‘shed’. 😂 It is fully set up with power, bed, kettle, toaster etc and my husband uses it as an office at the moment so he was willing to compromise and lose his office to work in the kitchen for 2 weeks.

We have tried.

I have sent them the link to the Airbnb and they are thinking it over.

If they won't sleep in your spare room, why do they think it's ok for your kids to do so? Especially if they are studying.

FFS. They have two choices.
A) They can come and rough it in the spare room.
B) They can hang on until you are ready and make their visit more of a comfortable holiday.

It doesn’t need to be more complicated than this

This is really unfair.

This isnt what the OP said at all. What she said was “Those 2 weeks arent great for us because the spare rooms are not ready yet. Why not delay your visit until they are or stay in a hotel to be more comfortable?”

OP’s parents then said “No! We wont book a hotel and it must be those weeks” so OP said “Well you can stay in the spare rooms but theyre a mess” and her parents said “No - your children need to give us their rooms.”

Whether you are a parent, child or non-family member, you dont get to call the shots like that when you are a guest in someone else’s home. Just imagine someone treating their parents like that. Courtesy and respect should still operate in families.

Sadly you’re between a rock and hard place! Older people do get rather stuck in their ways and can make life tricky without realising it/ meaning to. Their lives once they retire become easier and they don’t remember the hard bits of working and having kids etc when they have all the time in the world. I’m sure we’ll all become the same when we get to their age.
Can you say to DS (as he hasn’t started uni yet so doesn’t need his room for studying) Fred, granny and grandpa are being a pain in the ass would you and GF mind sleeping in the shed/ spare room until the en suite is finished then granny and grandpa can have that room.

We had a friend and her husband land on us for New Year just like this some years ago when we were half way through an enormous renovation - she said she'd rather stay with us than in an hotel though we said we weren't ready for guests.
She did nothing but moan the whole visit and threw every log on the living room fire when the temperature in the room was 25 degrees. She was sleeping in the warmest room in the house which had both central heating and underfloor heating, also running at 25 degrees. We've barely spoken since she left.
Tell them to book into an hotel.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable!!

We moved last year and my parents came the weekend after we moved to help with anything we needed (unfortunately DIY is not hubby’s forté!)

It was never even a discussion - my mum and dad offered to stay at the Premier Inn over the road when they said they would come and help, I kept saying I felt awful but they insisted to make things easier for us!

I think your later posts have painted a very different picture from what you asked in your title and your opening post.

Like some others, I find it really bizarre to ask family to stay in a hotel or Air b'n'b when visiting.
BUT
I find the idea of going to stay with my dd and d-son-i-L for 2 weeks equally bizarre (if not travelling from other side of the world).
I do understand it makes sense to come before your ds goes to University. but not why it isn't a weekend or 3 or even 4 days.
I think your Mum was very wrong to ask the dc behind your back after you'd said no, even though I think (from your original information) it was strange of you to not let her visit.
I don't understand why she can't stay in your spare room though.

Is it the financial cost of two weeks staying in a hotel during peak season that is making them reluctant to do this?

You are very patient OP.
Your parents sound very difficult and demanding.
I am in my 60's and do not think their behaviour is acceptable.
Contacting your children after you made your position clear, is disrespectful, controlling and manipulative.
I wouldn't be happy at all about this.

We have said they can but that they will have to book a hotel as the spare bedrooms aren’t ready yet, or they can wait another couple of months and everything will be done in the house so they can then stay with us.

but then you went on to say to your parents that even though spare bedrooms aren’t ready yet, they can still kip in there? If they had said… sure we will sleep in the spare room despite you saying that’s it’s very messy and full of stuff - would you have felt comfortable about this?

In your shoes, after them hassling the kids, I’d put my foot down with them and make them wait till Christmas to visit. Don’t pander to them!

I think they’re annoyed that you had the nerve to move away from them and want you to feel as miserable about it as they clearly are. Absolute cheeky fuckers!

I’m in my 60’s (DH is 70’s) with adult DC and we live in a different country so try to visit the kids/grandkids annually. However, we ALWAYS book into a hotel rather than cause them any inconvenience when we visit.

Surely, as older parents, you try to make your adult kids lives easier, not harder?

Your parents need to cop on and accept that their adult child has grown up and it’s perfectly normal for them to move away.

I think you sound lovely and are trying your best while desperately trying to maintain your own boundaries in your own home -ie your children staying in their own rooms.
If your parents have high standards then they stay in an hotel or airbnb this time, you have said the spare rooms will be up to their standard by Xmas -fine.
Im not surprised you are a bit demented with the ‘Whataboutery’on this thread.
Why don’t people read!
All you have to do is read your posts to understand!!
Just have a drink and chill. You are NOT unreasonable.

I don't just read the first post, I read all of an OP's posts before posting. OP's usually always add extra information and details on subsequent posts.

Fucking ageist bollocks!!!

Sixty is hardly old for gods sake! DH (70’s) and I’m 60’s and we’re still going to rock gigs etc. The idea that a person in their 60’s is a doddery old fool is ridiculous and utterly condescending.

Most 60 yr olds are still fucking working!!

60 is the new 40!!!

Your op said the spare bedrooms aren't ready yet, you've later changed it to your parents can stay in the spare bedroom but don't want too. It is confusing.

Oh whatever!! I’m trying to show a bit of compassion and see things from the parent’s point of view and find a solution!
Evidently this thread should have come with a caveat of only comment if you’re going to wholeheartedly agree with the OP!! As it seems anyone who makes other suggestions is shot down! So you all carry on winding up the OP that her parents are shit and she should probably go non contact with them while she’s at it!!

Well it’s clear that the Op wouldn’t ordinarily ask them to stay elsewhere.

It’s a one off forced by her parent’s insistence that they come now.

She’s just moved house and has builders in. A few more weeks and the spare room would have been decorated to her parents standards.

Their failure to compromise on either date or the standards of the spare room is what’s causing problems.

I hope I haven’t come across as ageist. I only meant I had noticed my mums anxiety increasing as she has got older. Some friends have said they have noticed it in their parents and older relatives too.

I know lots of older people that are still living very full lives and hope to still do so myself as I get older.

The room isn’t ready because her parents have exacting standards despite the fact the OP’s just moved house.

Sounds like they want hotel standard rooms but don’t want the cost or inconvenience.

I don’t understand why you are twisting yourself in knots to pander to your parents. You are in the middle of invasive house renovations while getting DC packed up for uni and working FT, and they want to be under your feet for 2 WEEKS! It isn’t workable for your parents to visit now.

House renovations soak up money - you probably have dozens of priorities ahead of Air BNB costs.

I’d arrange to meet for a day trip somewhere in the middle, and have lunch out with them.

Would you have felt comfortable with your parents sleeping in a room that you say is very messy and full of stuff? And the same room you wouldn’t want your teens to be subjected to

There is a spare room with a bed and stuff stored in it. The parents don’t want that- they want a fancy, decorated room. The room they want doesn’t exist yet.

What exactly is it about the spare room that isn’t up to their high standards? Is it because of the boxes? What’s the rationale?