AIBU to feel like a single mum with this arrangement?

[turnedoutbadly]

I’m honestly not sure what’s normal anymore because I’m being told I’m overreacting, so I really need some outside perspective.

Imagine you live in a city where you have no family and no friends. You’re completely on your own and you have a 10-month-old baby.

The father runs a company that belongs entirely to him. He leaves every morning at around 8am and comes home at 6pm. (but he pays rent bills when I am on maternity)
Our baby has a bath at 7pm and goes to sleep around 7:30pm, so realistically, he spends less than two hours a day with him.

Once a week, he doesn’t come home at all before baby is asleep because he has a dinner or drinks. On Saturdays, he’s also busy from around 8am until 2pm doing his hobby.
So every time he’s not here, I’m the only one looking after our child.
On top of that, he goes away on business trips roughly once a month for 4–5 days.

He thinks this is completely normal and says that lots of people live like this because they have demanding jobs and run companies.

I, on the other hand, feel like a single mum.
I’ve started thinking about moving back to my hometown, where my family is, because at least I would have some support and wouldn’t be completely alone with the baby all the time.
But I’m constantly being told that I’m expecting too much and that “lots of people do it and nobody complains.”

So I genuinely want to ask other mums:
Is this actually a normal amount of absence for a father? Are there really lots of families where one parent is essentially responsible for the baby most of the time while the other works these hours, has weekly evenings out, weekend commitments and regular 4–5 day business trips?
I’m not asking whether he’s allowed to have a career or whether his work is important. I’m asking whether I’m unreasonable for feeling like this is too much and that I need more support.

Yes it’s quite normal BUT it entirely depends what type of person you are and what your willing to accept in your relationship
Nobody else’s relationship is the same as yours and what others do in it is their decision

This is YOUR decision only
I would personally feel like a single mum too, as you do literally everything to run that house and baby .
He basically is a single man with no household responsibilities apart from financial

When does he think you get a break ? or does it not even enter his head !

It depends what type of person you are , are you quite outgoing? Mix easily and chatty and will go out and make friends ?
Its hard to make friends, it’s not like you just walk up and say “ Will you be my friend”

if your husband can run his buisness from renting another office then I’d say move nearer your family , if it’s a big company/warehouse then there’s more involved

surely he must understand how hard it is for you to? What has he said previously when you’ve brought it up ?

If he’s not interested and selfish then I’d say move yourself & child near family if you think you’d be happier. Life’s too short

DH used to be out the house from approx. 7.15 to 19.45, sometimes longer, five days pw, plus foreign travel, usually just a few days, sometimes a week, and twice for months. He never got up in the night. I went back to work, 3 days pw from 8 months and 5 days pw from age 2, with all the nursery / school runs. Why have you got no friends if you are on mat leave, don’t you at least have people you can catch up with in the workplace? I made mum friends at NCT and we would meet for baby / toddler classes and coffee/ lunch at each others homes. Sad when I was working five days as I missed that.

Yes, this is normal I think. But I worked really hard to build up a network of friends, attending everything, inviting people over. That sorted the weekdays

And Saturdays I ear marked specific time for myself to go to the gym, pool, lunch, swim, go to London when he had complete charge of our DC.

Sundays we usually tried to do something as a family.

I’d advise you to start organising ..

Just because other families do it doesn't mean your feelings are invalid. Especially if you've told him you feel isolated and alone, that first year of motherhood is overwhelming and isolating. Have you tried going to mum and baby groups to meet other mums?

I lived abroad when I had my first baby and made the decision to come home for family support. You don't realise how much you need them until you have your own kids

I think a huge part of it is that your expectation of what life would be like is very different to the reality. Some of that is just normal with kids - no one can prepare you for true reality, and gently I do think you have been a bit naive. You’ve moved to a new city away from friends and family, with no support system with a partner you knew works long hours and travels for work. No matter how excited he was for the baby I’m not sure how much more you genuinely believed he would be able/ willing to be around? You’ve mentioned friends whose partners have financially fully supported them for 2 years after they’ve had a baby - the only situation I know this to be is when one partner is working in the home (unpaid) which it sounds like is exactly the dynamic you have. I also don’t understand at all why a daughter woukd make him feel closer / work less than a son unless I have misinterpreted that bit.

youve made the point many a time that you’re not married and you don’t feel like all his work is even benefitting you in the long term. I think this is one of the real underlying issues. Your life has changed, his hasn’t and you’re making sacrifices that don’t benefit you. You need to have a serious discussion about this. Woukd he consider civil partnership if he is against marriage so you can have the same rights? Would a will help? It sounds like you have checked out of the relationship though describing it as “war” and you need to decide if you want to make it work - then honest and difficult conversations need to be had.

Also agree with pp that you may need to relinquish control a bit and allow him time with his dc even if things aren’t done to your standard. As youce said he spends 2 hours a day with the child so not surprised he isn’t the expert - this was a big learning curve for me and i had to almost force myself to not interject / takeover - I know it’s hard but he will only learn with exeperience and you will feel more relaxed about it the more time they spend without you. Ultimately if you don’t stay with him you’re going to have to get used to him spending some time with your dad away from you.

I wouldn’t want to be with someone who didn’t care about my mental health/ emotional well-being. Becoming a new mum is so difficult for a range of reasons but it’s well known social isolation and losing yourself is a big factor in post partum depression. I don’t think he’s right to say that most people are in the position that you are in and he should be working with you to try and find solutions. I do think having some time to yourself, a hobby, some friends regularly woukd make you feel less resentful and fill your own cup a bit

Yes very nice pearls not cheap

is fairly normal tbh, DH and I have got 3 young DC and works away much of the time plus has hobbies, no family nearby so alot of it down to me. I’ll try and plan time together as a family when we’re all together. He’ll bath the baby when he’s home while I tidy the kitchen. Paid childcare is what keeps things manageable (I also work) and friends I’ve made in our village since I had my first

I’d be pissed as your parents if you moved closer expecting ‘support’ (childcare) just because the man you chose as the father of your child isn’t stepping up. Do they even want to hang around around a young child more often. GC or not.
Dont do that to them. Not fair.
Thats not to say rearing young children isn’t difficult and boring. It is. That’s why I went back to work at four months for a break and felt 100% better.
Is he paying into a pension for you?

Single mums don't have someone to pay the rent and bills. So in that sense YABU. But if your situation is making you unhappy then YANBU to want change.

The working hours is fairly normal and his hobbies / interests dont sound excessive. I think the issue here though is you feeling isolated. Your partner is your whole support network and he isnt around, so i guess on the evenings he is home you dont have social engagements because you dont know anyone, and thats the part to fix. What exists in your area - baby groups? Coffee mornings? WI? Etc that you could join to build a network? What did you enjoy before DC? Could you join a running group, yoga class, craft group, women's circle church group...etc one night a week to build your network?

Where yab a bit u (sorry) is comparing yourself to a single parent. Single parenting comes with a whole burden of solo financial pressure that you cannot appreciate unless youve been there. I get deeply frustrated when someone with a partner paying all the bills says they feel like a single mum , but I am not going to be harsh here bc you sound very low and have likely just worded your situation a bit clumsily.

Sounds like you're unsupported and he doesn't care

Girl. If you aren't happy, don't accept it.

What's he working towards if you are unhappy and isolated and alone?
People saying yes working hours are normal but what's not normal is being alone almost all the time. And doing all of the unpaid labour as well.

There's reality of your situation which is he's working but then there is the implications from your post that he works, plays and rests whilst you get more and more lonely.
Then the gaslighting that it's normal and you shouldn't complain, you're already isolated and apparently financially dependent. If he's not supporting you emotionally then I think you already know where it's leading.

I would start to weigh up moving somewhere you have more support. His primary response should be to see if he can help you feel better, not to diminish your emotions. Who wants the person that raises their child to be miserable?

Your situation sound like my situation ( Forty years ago)...except that my situation was fairly new relationship and I was not on Maternity Pay but just doing meaningless part time jobs. My family lived TWENTY MILES AWAY , I felt isolated and Lost. My partner was, let's face it, married to his High - flying business career, I felt like a glorified Maid. I tried to pull myself up, go out every day. I was put in touch with local mothers groups and made some good friend whom I started meeting up with, in each other's houses, and it was a great source of support. I can highly recommend going out every day, even if just to the local shop or park. As my baby got older I went back into employment and gained some sanity again. Realise that you are building your own family and life and it can be tough, esp. When they're Little. You must get at least one half day, or few hours to yourself once per week. Your husband must accept that you want one afternoon , out alone ,with yourself , in order to stay sane. You must arrange this ASAP. GOOD LUCK !!!

Yeah you would have thought this was discussed or known before they had kids

Absolutely spot on, not being married is a major issue, does the OP realise she can carry on with this for the next x years and if they split up she would be entitled to absolutely nothing. Marriage is totally different, you are a team so it doesn’t matter so much who is doing the paid and unpaid work. However still, you need to make sure you both get to spend your time in a fulfilling way and you equal free time, there’s no point either of you being forced into a role you don’t really want. If you’re miserable at home then perhaps you’d be happier going back to work if haven’t had much luck building up a group of friends, if you just need a bit of a break then perhaps look at sending DD to nursery part time?

My family lived TWENTY MILES AWAY , I felt isolated and Lost.

20 miles isn’t far?!

The working hours are fine and less than what my husband does. I wouldn’t accept a hobby that has him out of the house every weekend for more than half the day, as well as the weekly dinner/drinks.

When do you have time for yourself and as a couple?

You need to be very clear, legally he is working for himself with some responsibility to your child. He is NOT financially responsible for you in anyway AT ALL.

You need to have a very clear headed look at your precarious situation.

FWIW my DH left at 7 and retuned at 7, he wouldn’t spend the weekend on his hobby though.

8-6 weekdays totally normal. Have you never had a job op? I think if you were closer to family-/ friends or less isolated you’d be fine with this.
Hobby should be fine as long as he takes baby so you can have an afternoon off to yourself.

Oh shit I just saw you’re not married- I’d get back to work quick smart

Other than the hobby yes this sounds normal. My DH left the house around 7.30am and got home between 7.30-8pm. He traveled for work too and was away about 100-120 nights a year. I not only had our two but one of his teenage sons lived with us full time. My siblings live abroad as did my parents half the year.
I became a widow when my kids were 4 and 6. And I can tell you the difference between having a husband/dad who was not around much during the week and away on occasional overnights and not having him at all is night and day.

Try actually being a single parent where the father isn't around at all then get back to us 👍

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. You acknowledge that it’s his job and you don’t have a problem with that and it sounds like you’re appreciative that he provides for you but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t hard for you. I became quite socially isolated in a very similar situation when my children were young and it was really hard. Could you perhaps go to things like mum and baby classes/baby and toddler groups or similar or arrange a couple of hours childcare so you can have some time for yourself? Also while I wouldn’t say it’s normal as such it is common but I think it has to work for both of you. ❤️

Make plans to move back near your family for support. You will be better off mentally to be near them. Currently, you are isolated and reliant on your partner and in a precarious position. Your relationship is not going anywhere, do you really want to be stuck like this for the best part of your life?

The unreasonable part is. That you are getting no time for yourself not any emotional support with your status as a new mother. It can be a lonely time at home just with a baby, and if you are not married to the baby's father, you are entitled to no financial support for yourself if you ever split, and your career has gone down the pan but his business is thriving. You are making the sacrifices and he is not, albeit he is currently supporting you and the baby financially.

You could return to work and both share child care costs and split the rest of the time needed for unpaid childcare and household chores between you or get more help like a cleaner.