AIBU to feel like a single mum with this arrangement?

[turnedoutbadly]

I’m honestly not sure what’s normal anymore because I’m being told I’m overreacting, so I really need some outside perspective.

Imagine you live in a city where you have no family and no friends. You’re completely on your own and you have a 10-month-old baby.

The father runs a company that belongs entirely to him. He leaves every morning at around 8am and comes home at 6pm. (but he pays rent bills when I am on maternity)
Our baby has a bath at 7pm and goes to sleep around 7:30pm, so realistically, he spends less than two hours a day with him.

Once a week, he doesn’t come home at all before baby is asleep because he has a dinner or drinks. On Saturdays, he’s also busy from around 8am until 2pm doing his hobby.
So every time he’s not here, I’m the only one looking after our child.
On top of that, he goes away on business trips roughly once a month for 4–5 days.

He thinks this is completely normal and says that lots of people live like this because they have demanding jobs and run companies.

I, on the other hand, feel like a single mum.
I’ve started thinking about moving back to my hometown, where my family is, because at least I would have some support and wouldn’t be completely alone with the baby all the time.
But I’m constantly being told that I’m expecting too much and that “lots of people do it and nobody complains.”

So I genuinely want to ask other mums:
Is this actually a normal amount of absence for a father? Are there really lots of families where one parent is essentially responsible for the baby most of the time while the other works these hours, has weekly evenings out, weekend commitments and regular 4–5 day business trips?
I’m not asking whether he’s allowed to have a career or whether his work is important. I’m asking whether I’m unreasonable for feeling like this is too much and that I need more support.

Oo im clutching my pearls

The working hours seems fine but the 6 hour hobby every Saturday plus one evening out every week when you have a baby is not fine. Yes everyone is entitled to a break but it sounds like you aren't getting any breaks and he is because 'he's working'. I found maternity leave far harder than working and I'm a primary school teacher 😂. Most of the friends and relatives I know have family time at the weekend and have a fair split of free time when they have young kids. When the kids are a bit bigger, life gets easier.

You actually sound quite depressed to me. Having a baby is incredibly hard and can be incredibly lonely. If you believe the relationship is worth saving, I would try to properly sit down and discuss how you’re feeling. Don’t rush to throw everything away as I’m sure single parenting where you have to not only look after the baby but also worry about paying for everything, would be even harder. That doesn’t mean you couldn’t do it, or should stay with someone you don’t want to be with, I’m just saying that you should be really sure.
Agreeing some regular time for you to be away from the baby will help. Why not join a gym or a class and go when he comes back from work at 6. Then when you come home have a proper dinner together and talk.

That's not what being a single parent feels like at all.

This.

And the reality is that the baby is sick constantly. Where we live, there are also very limited baby classes or activities available, so it’s not like I have lots of options to take him to things during the day.

Why is the baby sick constantly if not in childcare and not going to baby classes?

What sort of city has so few options for baby activities?

Sounds like DH is behaving as if he is still child free and hasn't changed anything. When you have a baby, it's normal for fathers to give up (for a while) things like after work drinks/dinner and hobbies- for the sake of the family. If he is going to a hobby on Saturday, you'd need an equivalent break at another time- which I assume he isn't giving you?
How essential are these business trips? If they are optional I'd expect him to opt out of them/go less often/go for a shorter period when you have a baby at home, not to continue just as he was before the baby arrived as if nothing has changed. You are a team and should be in it together.

Sadly I think this is very ‘normal’ however that doesn’t mean it’s acceptable. You need to open up a conversation with him and point out that while you may not be bringing in a wage, you most definitely are working. Men have a lot of trouble grasping this. Your work is care work, and care work is real work. Not to mention your body is still recovering from manufacturing an entire new human. You need time to yourself to relax and re charge your batteries. You need to visit your family and friends. He needs to adapt his time to make that possible. It’s not just about him anymore. It’s better to have the conversation sooner rather than later. I hope he’s going to step up for you.

That sounds normal but that doesn't mean you can't change it if its not working for you. Maybe ask him to drop hobby as you need that time off?
Or just move back like you said.

I found being on maternity leave just felt like being a single parent most of the time, and left me deeply resentful of my partner who could escape it for 10+ hours a day.

Becoming a mother, even with a great and present partner, can be emotionally challenging, isolating and lonely. I therefore suspect that you’d feel somewhat as you do, even if he was those things so it’s really important to build your support network. You definitely need to explore more groups, try different ones etc until you click with some mums. I also wonder what’s stopping you from visiting your family for a week or 2, especially given he’s not around much. In regard to your partner I think you need to discuss the bits where outside of work he could be doing more. Can he give up his hobby temporarily? Can you sign up for your own hobby over the weekend while he has your son? Can you be firmer about what help you need in that short window between him getting home and baby’s bed time?

Yes this is normal @turnedoutbadly , there are tons of uninterested Father's out there. He doesn't care, you cannot make him.
Surround yourself with family and friends. They will be more support to you than this 'man'.

Well Lindsay Clancy apparently went mental because of selfish husband like this, so girl get your village around you.

Do you really want to marry this man and be in a relationship which makes you so unhappy? Yes you’ll have more financial security but you won’t suddenly be happy with him and your life just because you’re married.

The working hours are normal.

If you were in a relationship where you felt loved and respected then I doubt much of what you said would be an issue because you would still feel valued by him and you would still feel happy, loved and content within the relationship.

I think feeling isolated plays a part in how unhappy you are feeling, but ultimately, do not marry a man and commit yourself to a relationship that makes you this unhappy.

Like I said, you’ll have more financial protection but nothing will improve regarding his working hours, or how you feel about him, or how little effort he puts into the relationship or into the baby. Everything will still be exactly the same and ultimately that’s what is making you unhappy. A wedding ring won’t change that.

Okay, joint decision to have baby and he made a load of promises. I'd try to keep calm and sit down and remind him of this. If he doesn't offer any compromises - and frankly, you sound done with him - ferret out all the info on his finances for child support, see a lawyer and get ye gone. You can get back to work in your home city with support from your family.

There are fathers like this. Doesn't mean their wives have to be happy with this set up. You will be getting very little support when you return to work so life will be even harder. The 8-6 is fairly normal for working people but not 5 days away each month and a hobby every weekend.

My DH was usually out 7am to 7pm, 5 days a week and busy working on the house or garden every weekend. A long commute and a long working day. I did similar before DC. It is hard to be away from friends and family, can you do some things with the baby to meet other mums and find some friends to spend time with?

My ex husband had his own business, two of them in fact, He provided very well financially, yet I felt single and a single mum. I actually had a good job myself before I had our two children. The resentment built and built, as I was more than just being a care giver to everyone. I felt lonely in that marriage and would spend every sunday with my mum, as my ex was out doing his hobby. It wasn't the life I had wanted.

Long story short 10 years later we got divorced as he cheated, and that was it for me. I retrained built a career for myself and live full time with our children, and do most of the financial support myself, as his business collapsed and hes now penny pinching and jealous that I am the one who is building my life now without him.

Money is needed for a family life, yet the breadwinner I know is stretched with commitments yet being a father is much more than just providing financially.

My ex is actually a better dad since his business collapsed and actually took our 14 year old son to a golf lesson yesterday my son was delighted that he was sharing the day with his dad as both my children love him.

Only Monday-Friday, though.

Do you think the business trips are all necessary? I know a few business owners who definitely organise more frequent or longer trips that are strictly needed just to get away from family life.

His working week sounds reasonable but he should be pulling his weight when he is at home. And you deserve the same amount of down-time too - what is his hobby? can he start alternating Saturdays with you? The alternative would be for you to take an equal amount of time to yourself on Sundays but that would leave very little left of the weekend for family time so not ideal.

Are you quite sure there are no more baby groups that you can try? Do you have access to a car? Sometimes you need to look quite hard as they are often not well advertised. I live in the arse end of nowhere but still managed to find lots of options, admittedly I had to drive around a lot. Some were cliquey and I didn’t go back, but eventually I found my tribe.

It sounds like you are thoroughly fed up with him. Has the relationship run its course, or is there something still worth trying to save?

being near my family made such a massive difference to my enjoyment of raising my daughter, even just in terms of hanging out and sharing her milestones etc….its very, very lonely doing it on your own. If it’s viable for you to move home in your situation I would.

Nice

If you go back to work don’t think of it in terms of your salary paying childcare. It’s half each. My friend said this to me very early on, I was married and we shared finances but it still helped to frame that the cost was half his responsibility.

Definitely consider returning to work. It will of course be very hard work but it will put you in a much better position for if/when you become a single parent for real.

He’s totally dismissive of how isolated you’re feeling and that’s the huge issue here. I imagine his life hasn’t changed an awful lot since you’ve had the baby, whilst yours has changed completely.
Growing up, my dad worked long hours, went out to do his hobby at least one evening a week, sometimes more and then again at the weekend finished off by a couple of hours in the pub on a Sunday while my mum cooked a roast dinner with three children under her feet. She just got on with it but looking back, I can’t imagine how she must have felt. She did have family close by though, which you clearly don’t.
If I were you, I’d either sit him down and say something has got to change, or 100% I’d move back to be closer to family and people that would actually want to support you because it doesn’t sound as if your partner does.

People must be more accommodating than me, because I find the weekly social evening and time-consuming weekend hobby TOTALLY unreasonable in the first year of having a child.