AIBU to feel uneasy about mothers leaving successful careers?

[Toodledootwo]

All my friends are quitting their successful career jobs after having children. They all seem to be throwing their hands in the air saying what’s the point. Is there a revolt happening against women working? It seems we were encouraged to get to work and be independent….but when becoming a mother….still be that mother, still be that provider till burn out?

Many professional jobs. Accountancy at higher levels of qualifications is pretty good for giving flexibility and good earnings for part time hours. I did this myself and earned well above the average wage on 3 days a week. I gather law is trickier but I don’t have any personal experience.

This is one of the reasons I don’t want children. I refuse to give up a career im proud of and spent years training towards. Even if I didn’t give it up it would be expected that I went part time and I simply don’t want to, I love my job and I love the work I put in to it. I feel that if I don’t want to give that up then that means I’m too selfish for kids so it’s not right for me to have them 🤷🏻‍♀️

What depresses me about all the conversations from the women who went SAHM after kids, is apparently after deep conversations, the only answer is women quits job. Fuck that for a game of soldiers. I had full and frank conversations with my husband that we were sharing everything - hard parts, good parts -and there was no way I was giving up my career.

I think loads of men nod solemnly when the wife proposes SAHM status, and are quietly relieved they can continue as normal. If you don’t force them to step up, many of them won’t.

This
Its not 19 bloody 50

Once back at school my OH and I split childcare responsibilities; pickups, drop offs, holiday time.
My career suffered some, but happy with what I am doing now, have progressed in pre kids industry of IT.

I hate this debate. There is no right or wrong choice; we each have to decide what the priority for us is and then live with that choice. For some it’s financial protection, for others it’s protecting their career, for others it’s being with their children as much time as they can, for others it’s running the family unit.
No one has an impartial view on it and everyone is sensitive about it for various important reasons.

there is huge pressure on women with children and on women of child bearing age

I think you have got this wrong. If you and your DH divorced the court would not give you everything. It would ensure you were housed to a satisfactory standard but that will be likely a reduction from your living standards now. And your income would be up to you to earn.

while your husband would carry on being a high earner with capacity to borrow and have a good life.

I am watching my friend go through this now. He has left for another woman and she is loosing her lovely big home and lifestyle. She has been out of work for 15 years so is now working a minimum wage job . Court orderd her enough to get a small house and a small payment from ex savings and pension. He is living the absolute life of Riley. Makes me so angry for her. They made a joint decision that she would stay at home and keep the family and now she is screwed.

I wanted to be the one to stay home and experience motherhood. No way I wanted to miss out!

Their families can buy in help to deal with the stuff that two hard working parents simply don't have time to do. If you're short of time, long on money, spend time with the children but employ a cleaner, a housekeeper, a gardener, someone to fill the freezer. Is there something that means the men can't step back, go part time etc?
Finding this a depressing thread.

Agree with this perspective. I left my well paid job after baby number 2 as I couldn’t do it all. Enjoyed being a stay at home mum for ten years. Went back to work a year ago and it’s a well paid job. I haven’t had to start at the bottom thankfully. My teenage girls say how much they enjoyed having me at home and talk about all the projects we did together! Loved it!

You’re right, it’s not the 1950’s where women had less rights and choice. That part seems to be passing you.

Too many women seem to think feminism is forcing their ideals onto other women.

@Firetreev

Agree! I’ve given up fancy holidays for being able to walk down to the park with my child in the morning and watch everyone else rushing off to work/childcare whilst we sit and enjoy a picnic breakfast. It’s bliss. And my child is being raising outside and in our local community instead of by a rotating door of strangers in one nursery room with a gaggle of other children for 10 hours/day.

I don’t talk about it in my daily life as if other people are happy with their choice to use childcare during the early years that’s their choice to make. But it really makes me laugh when people feign concern for my/my child’s wellbeing. We’re doing fine, thanks!

Why is there zero pressure on men?

Men taking no responsibility
No way would I prop up my DH to not be interested in or take any responsibility for his own DC

Only one of my friends gave up work entirely after having children and only once she had three under three and couldn’t afford childcare. She went back once they were at school and never had a lucrative career anyway. Everyone else I know still works, albeit a lot have dropped a day or two a week. I work FT in a job that I can’t do part time but do have some flexibility. I would ideally like to work 3-4 days a week but it won’t happen in this role and I’d have to take a big step back which we couldn’t afford. I’m lucky enough to earn more than childcare costs for these extra days. I don’t know the answer, I like my job mainly, I worked hard for it. It’s not easy to take a step back without leaving entirely (overqualified for lower paid roles in the same sector etc). I work from home and from an office close to home so feel I have some advantages. A lower paid role with less flexibility and further commute wouldn’t necessarily be an advantage. But it will allow me to retire earlier and have more time with them when they are teenagers.

The man should have the choice, as should the woman. You can buy in help but if you are working 40+ hours/week that is limiting your time with your child even if you are able to pay for help with everything else.

Surely most people want to work less if they can?

DH and I decided in our early thirties not to have children. So, I’m a forty year old woman who has had all the time and space to pursue a career I wanted to. And whilst I’ve loved my career and found it rewarding…I’m not interested in my life being about my career, we work so we can enjoy our free time pursuing (and paying for) our hobbies….and with all we’ve saved financially by not having children, we’re focused on how soon we can both wind our careers down and work as little as possible - so we can enjoy our actual lives more.

It makes perfect sense to me that if people with children could work less to be with them, they would. Unfortunately, few families have that option.

Oh and for me, it certainly didn’t feel like a choice. I absolutely did NOT want to go back to work.

The issue here is that men cannot be relied upon to stay in a marriage and parenthood role, despite having made (for the most part) oaths/promises/vows to do so. This leaves women in a position of huge vulnerability, meaning that some continue to work even if they would far prefer to focus on their children (I make no judgement either way) because they know that, should the man walk away, they will be absolutely screwed.

umm the dad definitely doesn’t have to wait until they’re toddlers to bond?!

This absolutely sums it up for me. I don’t see a solution, sadly.

What do you mean you’d get all the money? You’ll have a much lower pension and if you split, believe me, people often turn nasty.

I was a SAHM for a few years after my first and I constantly felt financially vulnerable. I’m now back into a career earning more than I did before and I have my identity and security back.

There’s nothing wrong with being a SAHM but let’s not forget the disadvantage it puts women in when relationships go wrong. I think it’s only sensible if there’s a good chance of you being able to return to a well paid job once your kids are in school.

Or if the man gets a cancer diagnosis, a mobility issue, mental health crisis. Lots of reasons why a whole family depending on one salary probably isn’t a good idea in today’s world.

Before I had my children, I would probably have felt the same way but actually its just a small couple of years in your life before they go to school and work resumes. I''ve actually really enjoyed seeing them develop and grow. I'll be back to work soon and that chapter will continue again. I'm still as skilled as I was before in my field. The only difference is I'm a mother now and I love my kids more than my job. Still love my job though, will still progress, but home is where it is at once the work day is done. I dont feel hard done by. My only criticism is financial supports. I'm in Ireland. Some companies have paid maternity, a lot dont. For many, you do have to seriously consider can you afford another baby as childcare is really expensive here.

I think as well some women may not want to go back to work and that's a perfectly fine choice too. Choice is the key word here.

I got made redundant at the start of my 1st pregnancy. After interviewing in various places, we realised there was an expectation that I’d be back at work by 12wks full-time with a small sprinkling of flexi-time. Not enough to raise my own kid. The nursery fees would have made it pointless for me to work and I didn’t want to have to hand off my own baby to be raised by someone else for 50hrs a week.

We chose to sell our house, downsize and move to a cheaper area to make it work.

Since had a 2nd baby who’s now one and I’m now in the position where I want to go back to work. Money has been incredibly tight and I’d love to be able to relieve that financial pressure. But, going back into my old career field would still bring the ridiculous hours that aren’t compatible with family life. My husband is the breadwinner and has offered to negotiate part-time with his employer (I doubt they’d go for it based on his seniority and the role he does) but the hours and stress wouldn’t make it worth it either. The most realistic scenario would be we’d both be working full time and our children would both be in full-time nursery, seeing us for less than an hour a day. The fees would probably only end up leaving us £200 better off a month, if that. As I wouldn’t get the salary I was on previously to start with either.

I’m a SAHM at present, but have my own self employment which brings in a little money. If the right part-time opportunity popped up, I’d take it, but it won’t be in my old ‘high flying’ career sector. My children come first.

You can be a high flyer earning £££ but at the end of the day if something happens to you or it came down to the bottom line, most would be let go/ replaced at work with hardly a second thought, years of service/effort etc be damned.