AIBU to feel uneasy about mothers leaving successful careers?

[Toodledootwo]

All my friends are quitting their successful career jobs after having children. They all seem to be throwing their hands in the air saying what’s the point. Is there a revolt happening against women working? It seems we were encouraged to get to work and be independent….but when becoming a mother….still be that mother, still be that provider till burn out?

Of course you could. Lots of people do. You may not want to, because you wouldn’t like the adjustments, but that’s completely different.

The government seems to think a family couldn’t live off that income because they would be eligible for UC.

Exactly!

Depends on how many kids doesn't it?

And you think the government is always right, then?

It’s below the poverty line for a family of 4. I can’t quite understand why people are falling over themselves to prove that they are morally superior for inflicting poverty onto their children - if you just washed your own car (which I do) or batch cook (which I do) you too could raise your children in poverty.

The poverty line for 2025 for a two adult, two child family after housing costs was £519. £35k is about £2,300 a month so even if you have zero housing costs you are pretty close to poverty according to DWP.

They really do need to bring back the 😂 emoji on here!

Depends when you bought your home. Depends how many years of your mortgage you’ve already paid off. Depends what size house/area you live in. Depends how many children you have. Depends how frugal you are. Depends on how much you understand you can actually do without and not miss.

Some of us would prefer for our children not to live on the breadline just to prove a point.

The discussion seems to have moved from full time long hours childcare might not be better than a sahp for very young children to it’s fine never to work and spend your waking hours economising so you can live on the bare minimum.

My absolute minimum costs to pay my bills for my family is £900 which is really very low as there is no mortgage or car loan or debt. But that is before anyone has eaten or done anything other than exist in a house. If we had to we could live on a very low wage but why would you? Even working 10 hours a week, min wage, term time only would pay for a nice Xmas and a holiday and I can’t imagine forgoing even that slight inconvenience to stay at home pinching pennies and having no pension contributions.

I’m really bored of talking to you now. You clearly have an issue with SAHMs, whether they are married to someone wealthy or able to budget and manage money well on one reasonable salary. We do not live on the breadline 😂 I’ve always considered us pretty average- we know people who earn a lot more, and others who earn less and also receive benefits.

We are very anti-materialism, anti-debt, anti-excess, and our teaching our children the value of money, what is affordable and how to save from the off.

I genuinely have no issue with SAHP ( I purposefully refer to them as parents as I know a couple of Dad’s who stayed at home when children were young). I’ve repeatedly said that I support people having choices.
What I have an issue with is falsehoods being promoted as fact.
My main bugbear being that you can take an extended break from the labour market at return to your job as though it never happened. My extensive professional experience tells a completely different story.

My issue with your posts is you constantly claiming that it is ‘easy’ for a family of 4 to live off £35k despite evidence to the contrary.
It might be easy for you in your very specific situation but to present it as fact is disingenuous. And to suggest anyone could do it if they were just willing to forgo their luxuries is tone deaf.

It's a huge mistake that many will regret when children have reached adulthood. I have so many friends in dead end jobs that they hate, or who are staying in relationships with awful men because they're not financially independent. It was a nightmare working & being a lone mother of young children but there isn't a day goes by now when I'm not thankful for making the decisions I did when mine were younger.

@DeathNote11 Yes but you wanted out. Not everyone giving up a decent job does. Usually highly paid women are married to highly paid men, and they can survive without the women working. Plus she can go back into employment if necessary. They might have an expensive house and be financially secure. All this should be taken into account. Women often end up doing it all. It’s rarely having it all. There’s something wonderful about being at home with dc if it suits you.

It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. You can work and still be present at home, potentially by a career change or part time hours or flexible working. Being dependent on a single salary just seems really risky - ill health, sudden costs, divorce, cost of care in your old age…
It’s also a myth that there will magically come a time when your children will not need you and you can just waltz back into the workplace and get a great job. It’s hard enough to be taken seriously as a woman in your 40’s without having been out of touch with work for years and your children will always need you, just as much when they are teens as when they are little if not more so. Instead of jacking it all in, plan a sustainable career that you can do alongside your family commitments, have the best of both worlds.

@namechange864 So women should not have high paying legal careers in London or in finance because they cannot sustain them? Not sure I agree with that. They are the jobs highly paid women tend to give up. They can go and find something more sustainable if they need to. I’ve certainly met such women working locally im school finance and teaching after a few years of not working. Everyone takes a pragmatic view of their own situation and highly paid women (the op said circa £150,000 pa) are rarely so dumb as to not weigh everything up. The women who have difficulty post divorce are not them.

And why would you get the money and the kids if anything happened @canklesmctacotits ?

Honestly I wish I had - instead I battled through the tough days of having too many demands on me to have time to care for myself - all the while telling myself it would be worth it for the long-term financial security - and now find myself burnt out, exhausted and facing job cuts at work. Im
sure it is also tough for those who stop to get back into work but I don’t think there’s a straightforward answer to what’s right or easiest with motherhood and families

@Coldwetlettuce When men work all hours, they don’t always bond well as well as the hands on dad working shorter hours but that doesn’t mean they don’t love dc. They just are not the primary carer. When babies are little some mums simply don’t want paid help to do everything, so give up work, and some men don’t see a lot of dc. It’s a different relationship for a couple of years but it’s not necessarily bad.

These men with high earnings often don’t want 50:50 with dc. They don’t have the time. They might just put dc into nursery full time or hire a nanny. They won’t be doing much hands on and many prefer a few nights on a regular basis and some of the holidays.

Women do totally get burnt out doing a full time job earning £150,000 and having a family. They often do struggle. They are likely to get 50% of the marital assets (starting point) upon divorce and with a high earning spouse, that’s probably ok. They can then find decent enough work because they are not stupid. But they don’t want the commute to London and the long hours. It’s taking a pragmatic view.

I think you’ve misunderstood me.
If someone is struggling with balancing work and home and feeling torn I would always encourage them to try to find a balance rather than walking away from their career entirely, and for some that may involve a less all consuming role or a more flexible career choice so they can do more at home OR it may involve working out other ways to do stuff at home like paying for help and childcare and sticking with the career. I think both choices are equally valid.
I would always always advise against leaving the workplace entirely because a) it’s hard to get back b) I wouldn’t want to be financially dependent on a sole income as a family c) children are damn expensive and get more so as they grow up (extracurriculars, sports, uni, house deposits, weddings!) d) even if you’re not earning megabucks and all your salary is going to childcare for a few years those days will pass, and you will have a pension.

Working all hours is a choice though. If men want to make time to bond with their children they can make choices to facilitate that.

@MickyMoonshine You have obviously never run a company or needed to make sure there’s work for 100 people. Or have you ever worked for a city lawyer or finance company? Choice! It’s not possible! That’s also why the women bail out. Plus the trips abroad etc. Very high earners don’t get a choice, other than to quit.

Those are still choices.

FWIW both me and DH have jobs which include international travel. We are also both very senior in our roles. The difference is that DH wants to be an active and involved parent.
Just because your husband refused to be hands on dad doesn’t mean other men feel that way too.

Like I mentioned previously, in my DS’s primary school class most of the dads were involved in the school run and attended school events. Many of them got involved in sports coaching over the summer too. The only dads who didn’t get involved did it out of choice ( one was retired and one worked part time).
In his class alone there were academics, business owners, solicitors, GPs,a barrister and a senior civil servant etc. In fact my friend’s DH runs two businesses which employs 100’s of people and he managed the school run 2-3 times a week!
The idea that men (and men alone) are unable to adapt their working practices is just not true. It’s such an old fashioned mentality.

@MickyMoonshine Ok if you can pay the mortgage! Plus live a bit. We needed his money and he had a lot of staff to keep in employment. You were not self employed or I guess an owner of a company and therefore you have no idea. It’s not choice. It’s a necessity. I didn’t earn enough to facilitate anythjng and I’m pleased DH kept many families with decent earnings. You are not in remotely the same position and you cannot just walk away and say tough to the employees. I didn’t want to sweat my guts out to earn 10% of what he did. I’m not mad.

There are always choices.
His (and presumably your) choice was that he continue to prioritise his business and you gave up work.
Owning your own business is not the only way to earn a living but that’s the career choice he made. Assuming he wasn’t forced into a career choice against his will.

I have been self employed and one my closest friend owns two businesses. He still managed to be an actively involved parent and his wife continued to work too. They chose to make it work.

Owning your own business or being self employed doesn’t automatically mean you can’t be an involved parent, that’s still a choice at the end of the day. It really doesn’t have to be an all or nothing situation, unless that’s what you want it to be. Arguably being self employed or the boss gives you more flexibility! That’s certainly my experience.