AIBU to feel uneasy about mothers leaving successful careers?

[Toodledootwo]

All my friends are quitting their successful career jobs after having children. They all seem to be throwing their hands in the air saying what’s the point. Is there a revolt happening against women working? It seems we were encouraged to get to work and be independent….but when becoming a mother….still be that mother, still be that provider till burn out?

Having kids that you don't see for 8+ hours a day, 5 days a week, is one of the biggest cons of modern times and I sometimes wonder whether it's a contributor to the drop in birthrates.

I cut my hours drastically (was fortunate to be able to, I admit that) once I had kids. DH also works part time so he gets plenty of time with them - essentially we have one FT job and a SAHP between us. I guess that makes me dependent on him, to the horror of people who don't like that, but it also makes him dependent on me. Is that worse or a mitigating factor?!

Absolutely agree with this. My mother advised me (as she was advised by her mother before) to always have my own money/means and never to be completely reliant on one person.

Even if it means maintaining a part time role through the toughest parts of child rearing I think this is fundamental - losing your own income and all of your / your family’s eggs being in one basket strikes me as risky. Things happen - illness, infidelity, redundancy etc; you can’t foresee everything.

I also feel that women have so much to contribute to the workplace; our presence is important in so many ways. Skills, emotional awareness, different viewpoints…I think it’s really important that women of all ages are well represented in the workforce.

I did this 20 years ago and didn’t regret it, I think that’s what made them leaving home less traumatic because I know we had had all the time together we could have - I’ve now retrained in a different role and fine . I just couldn’t keep at the level of career and being with the kids as much as I wanted to - and I’m so glad I took the turn that I did

I actually don't know anyone who gave up work on having kids. I do know a good few who scaled back a bit for a few years.

I don' think it is a binary choice. And what you do now doesn't need to be permanent.

I had 3 kids over ten years, youngest is now 6. I took long mat leaves (1 - 2 years) but always returned part time. I have done 2, 3 and 4 days per week at different times mainly driven by how much i could stomach being away from my youngest (I really really hated leaving them as babies plus I breastfed them for quite a long time). My DH has done 3, 4 and 5 days at different times.

Overall, I would say that after they turned about 2 I found I was more motivated to succeed in my career than pre-kids, esp financially, because I felt like I was batting for our family as a team. After my 2nd was 2 I pivoted from working in IT in gov to a "big job" in professional services, still part time. I negotiated a huge pay rise as part of the move. Ironically, pre-kids I stayed stuck in my gov role because I thought it would be family friendly but when I actually had kids I felt braver. I basically decided that I am a hardworker who takes on responsibility so I might as well get paid for it.

Now I am still our main earner and it would actually be better financially if I worked full time and DH worked 3 days but we found that did weird things to how he was treated at work, his mental health and our marriage so for five years now we've done 4 days each.

We have also altered hours across the week within the 4 days. For years I didn't work Thursday but now ours are all (finally!) in school, we both work school hours on 2 days per week so we only need after school care on one day.

Oh and my DH was also not a natural with our kids as babies and toddlers but his half day of childcare per week when i very first went back 2 days per week in 2012 helped him learn. To begin with they used to drop me at work, go to a cafe for lunch and then a baby swim class. Really this was because he didn't have the confidence to cook them lunch, entertain her without a teacher telling him what to do or be at home with her unless she was asleep!! He did improve with time...

Agree with you, the rightwing push to have women voluntarily (?) withdraw back to the home and hearth is dark. Lucky most of us need two incomes to pay our mortgages really, eh?!!

You’re the type who knows what is of high value?!?! Goodness. Your way is always right?

Some careers are unsuitable when you've had kids. You have to protect your mental health and your kids above the sisterhood. I had a career break from law (for two years) after having DD2, when she was 2 and DD1 was 6. I'd only been able to take 9 months mat leave and I was just broken trying to do my job with two young children, even though DH shared childcare. I did come back to the same career but practised in a different way.

I had no choice but to be a SAHM as, with my hospital shifts and DH’s work pattern, there was no way I could get childcare to cover. Plus I had no chance of help from family. I was happy to give up my job as it wasn’t what I thought it would be, plus your priorities change when you have a baby.
My only regret is that I didn’t make DH pay into a pension for me.

I hope it stays that way for you. As for lots of women it doesn't.

It's not about the sisterhood, keeping your career going - it's about keeping you going and providing for your kids should you need to.

I went part time once DD was born and that worked really well, then started my own business. I would have been absolutely screwed if I had given up entirely as I later divorced (courts award you half if assets and reasonable needs, NOT the lifestyle you’ve become accustomed to)

Ive always enjoyed the break from childcare. Now DD is close to leaving school I am leaning in more, and can do quite easily, versus friends who gave up completely and have shattered confidence and little experience of the workplace today.

We desperately need more affordable childcare as a country. I’d like to see it paid for out of pretax earnings. Those early years were brutal in terms of costs

That’s really sad! DH and I have always been 50/50 with the childcare from the beginning and we both have an equally strong bond with them. My DH tears up when looking at baby/toddler videos at the lovely memories from that time.

If you're happy with your choices and they're happy with their choices, what's your issue?

You presumably understand not everyone thinks the same as you on every topic, that adults make different choices.

Do you have the same negative views of people who've never had a high earning job as those who step back? Is it about money, status, or something else?

Also define "successful careers". I had DD1 at 29, I'd only qualified in mine a year earlier. I was very junior in my career when having DDs and stepped up to a senior role in my 40s when they were much older.

It’s very hard to have it all. The women on here who have given up their careers and are happiest are those with husbands earning high salaries. But there are countless women who give up their careers and regret it. Financial independence is very important. To help with the juggling you hire a housekeeper which sorts out the housework problem. And you share the childminding, one does drop offs, the other collects. That kind of thing. It’s only when they are very young it’s more tricky. Another solution is one stays at home for a couple of years.

What are these careers where the threat of redundancy / AI for the husband is minimal? I find this baffling. Both my husband and I would mainly due to reason that we need to keep income coming in if the other was made redundant.

It’s a thin line.

The best years of my life were when I was a SAHM - I gave up a career for that. I just loved being at home present for them, making a home, being at school events, being there when they were ill, house was tidy every single day with no washing, nice meals for dinner.

Then we separated and had to start my own business to pay the bills.

I have my own house now and finically secure but it took its toll on the kids. My 9 year old has basically just spent all summer either sat in my office or her dads ( we go on holiday this Monday) can’t go to some school events, I’m exhausted after work, can’t be fully present all the time because my brain is fried.

It’s sad but telling women they can have it all if they want to be mothers isn’t true - there is definitely a price.

I would find it weird if a friend was on here posting about my life choices and how uneasy they made her.
I am degree educated, had a pretty successful career for the first 15 year and then ultimately decided to quit not long after k returned from maternity leave with my youngest.
Women become sahps for all sorts of reasons, I do find it incredibly exhausting how patronising and vicious some women can be about the life choices of other women.

This - the reason I never ever considered being a SAHM.

It's not just divorce. Unfortunately I had cases in my family and at work where the main breadwinner fell so ill/had a life changing accident that they were fully disabled or impacted enough that the job couldn't be done anymore. One colleague sadly died after a short illness with just 40 years.

I didn't want DD to go through the problems and worries what it meant if suddenly their home was at risk because the income was gone.

I always earned so much that I could pay for day-to-day life and we had insurances in place to cover costs until DD was 21.

Luckily DH is a man who sees family life and me having a decent job/career as equally valid to him having it as well.

I certainly wasn't earning £150k in 2011 when I took a career break. More like 50k at 80%. I'm not earning £150k now as a Legal Director as I work for a smaller organisation and my job is vastly more interesting and actually means something to me and is a much nicer balance than if I worked for a FTSE100 company or big law firm. I still earn a good salary but at 50 my health and hobbies are super important. Success to me is earning a good salary while not working too hard, being healthy and having a nice balanced life, whatever that looks like. Not career success and money at all costs. Some jobs would actually kill me. I've had anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation, became obese, got endometriosis and PCOS and had several cancer scares due to work. Seriously fuck that, even if I could earn 50% more somewhere else.

You do realise that many women who choose to become SAHP have significant savings and investments of their own. I'm a SAHM, but I have my own money. If my husband were to leave me. I could support myself and my child very comfortably for around five years without having to work. That's plenty of time to get back in the work force, retrain etc. People always assume SAHM are financially dependent. Many of us choose to be SAHP, because we want to be with our children and can afford to do so.

In my opinion women have been sold a lie. You can't have it all. Well you can, but you'll be run ragged, stressed and exhausted. Also, to the women who say that they work full time as they want to set an example to their children. My mother did exactly that, she always worked hard in a high flying career. It cost her mental health and we missed out on lots of time together. It's part of the reason why I chose to do the opposite.

How strange. I have just done this.
I am a single mother to two children. I had a job that worked 40 hours a week but I came out with £2,400 a month. I have quit.
I left because time with my young children is priceless and money will come back.
I too a part time role which, yes I will take a pay cut on but being there for my children and still being a working mother is miles more important for me. We will live within our means and we won’t be going without that’s for sure.
government are not taking away my precious motherhood any longer

I was financially dependent for a very short time in my life. 5 years perhaps. Some of that was when I was studying and furthering my career not due to mat leave or career breaks. Even then I could go and get a job/a different job if I'd had to. Other than that I've always been financially independent and most of the time, out earning DH by some way. It's not a binary choice.

i resent the implication that you are stuffed and career over if you take a few years out. How patronising.

I walked away from a high flying hard to get into career that graduates now would absolutely kill for and never went back after mat leave. Not a moment’s regret. Sahm until youngest went to school. Set up a business on my own and now match my old salary and out earn dh. All my successful friends who took a career break are back when kids older. Your friends are the smart ones.

One is not forced to have children. And for those earning so much the employment of nannies around the clock is no problem. Maybe these women just look at their lives and reevaluate what really matters. To them it's being present for their children rather than their career. Who are you to judge? I find it depressive when people have children and outsource all childcare- like why bother in the first place?