AIBU to feel uneasy about mothers leaving successful careers?

[Toodledootwo]

All my friends are quitting their successful career jobs after having children. They all seem to be throwing their hands in the air saying what’s the point. Is there a revolt happening against women working? It seems we were encouraged to get to work and be independent….but when becoming a mother….still be that mother, still be that provider till burn out?

I find it interesting not a single one of my friends remains in City finance, although all are still working.

I’ve been on mn for 15 years and this debate never changes. Being a sahm is for the very poor who get benefits that match what they would’ve earned and the very rich who can take a gap in earnings and not feel the consequences. Everyone else is fucked by it one way or another. Especially if their dh leaves or even more precarious and they were a sahm but never married and not on the house deeds - you can read another version of that every day on this site.

I’ve worked part time, full time, been a student and self employed as a parent. Working part time when the dc were at nursery was the best balance for me and now full time because they are at school. But even though I worked in some description nearly all the time I’m having to pay a lot into my pension now to make up for the years nothing was going in. We’ve had redundancy, illness, poorly paying work during the times we’ve been parents too, and although we’re lucky and we earn well now, it hasn’t always been the case and could easily change again.

Seems like a great idea until you end up divorced with the rug pulled from.under you.
Then you'd be glad for the career and earning power.
I felt like this until then.
So bloody glad I stayed in the career ladder

People have different values and priorities. I'm not sure what your view is on this. Your title says you feel uneasy about women giving up careers for their children but then your post talks about doing it all until burnout, which sound more of an issue than giving up a career. Your comment says you find it hard watching your children grow from afar. So what are you saying? Do you think those prioritising raising their children themselves have the right idea?

What are the " long term negatives" of it then? My eldest was in nursery at 13 weeks. She's now a grown adult without any visible issues of having been to nursery

I was the first female partner in my firm. I chose to be a SAHM and don't regret it in the slightest, I see friends who have tried to juggle everything and quite frankly it isn't possible. I was brave enough to make what at the time was a very unusual decision I am glad my children's generation seem far more sensible about the whole thing and realise it is impossible to do everything.

Yes, I know that but we all have to look at our own life/career/time/equations and work out the best way forward for our family. I was thinking that outsourcing jobs at least enables people to spend the time they have with their children, rather than cleaning the bathroom or whatever.

Thank you. Mine as well. .

Well I’ve been repeatedly overlooked since having children- so winding my career right down and focussing on my family. They are a flexible family employer but there’s a distinct difference in opportunities for women that take six months rather than a year off. Hoping to be in a financial position soon to either leave completely or reduce hours to the bare minimum. I’d rather be with my children, maybe even have another, have a nice calm home for everyone to retreat to at the end of the day- you don’t get that time back. I’d rather be where I’m appreciated and since having children I’m just not at work so seems a no brainer. Obviously want to do just enough to keep up to date, or may even do another degree as don’t want to box myself in.

I'm pleased to see women waking up to the lie they have been told that they can have it all.

I'm pleased to see them, if they want it and have a partner who can pay for it, stopping tearing themselves in pieces trying to bring up children and forge forward in a career.

I'm pleased to see parents putting home and family building above another holiday, a bigger car and bigger house in a better area.

I'm pleased to see more people understanding "enough is enough".

I'd like there to be more opportunities for both partners to reduce hours and share child care and home management, but that's a difficult thing to achieve in higher paying jobs.

While I wasn’t a “high flyer”, I had a decent job, paying a good bit more than average. My husband was the same. This was 25 years ago. We needed both incomes and I worried about missing out, letting children down etc. We both cut down to four days, which solved the issue of me doing it all, because my husband was perfectly used to looking after his own children.
None of my family or friends left their jobs back then. Most did drop to 3 days and later picked back up.
The good news is that the relationships we all have with our children, now in early 20s are fantastic. Absolutely no sense that they missed out by having working parents and my children have discussed this too and said that they honestly felt completely loved and supported.

I’m saying this to reassure those who feel guilty if they have to work, which most women do.

Are you a relatively new parent? Your question is framed as though there are two extremes, which may well be the case if you have a very ‘high flying’ career.

I like many many women I know, scaled my career back, went freelance, then part time, then freelance again and I now have two freelance income streams, the other totally unrelated to my first career.

As many others here have pointed out, the main risk with ‘giving up’ completely is that you can’t count on the other partner. Anything could happen, death, divorce, illness - for me it was the second one. I never thought my kids’ father and I would split but we did. Trust me, juggling all those school runs and sick days with no one to share it with is even harder.

What your question is really about is flexible working - the ability to scale back and lean in at different times, when kids needs us more and less. I can imagine that the ‘big four’ finance firms and the long-hours corporate careers just don’t do that yet. Whereas the area I worked in, the media is more flexible and also uses loads of freelancers anyway - so with a few contacts you can find a way to build work around your life, rather than force life to fit around the office. You probably wouldn’t envy me and I don’t have loads of ‘followers’ or a glamorous online profile but I have consistent work that I can do in school hours and/or with limited childcare and I can be the mum they need without feeling like I’m too up against it. That to me is winning right now. I might go back to something higher-pressured once they’re grown up - I’d quite enjoy the challenge, I think. But with a teen and a neurodiverse school-refuser this is where I need to be right now.

Theres no right or wrong as we all have a different set-up but if you feel that something is not quite right, think about what work you can create or generate, not just ‘apply for’. Corporate isn’t the only option.

I don’t think it’s that simple. There are risks in everything, tragedy can strike unexpectedly, and you can’t plan for everything. You could also argue that your child could become ill or disabled and if you are relying on two incomes to survive how will you juggle full time work with your child’s needs?

If a family is used to surviving on two incomes, any illness or crisis causing one to stop or reduce their working hours will still likely have a huge impact. It would be really difficult if my husband became ill and couldn’t work anymore, but we are used to surviving on one income so if he had to stop working and I had to go back full time we might actually be able to do that more easily than a family living on two incomes. It’s not clear that a family with two full time workers would be better in this situation it would really depend on many other factors.

I resigned for a number of reasons shortly after returning from mat leave - 50-60 hour weeks + 10-15 hours commuting (pre Covid so wfh not an option), slightly toxic environment following PE acquisition, strong desire to be part of my kids day to day, and a stable financial position (built by both of us pre children) made it possible. I had no expectation that I would ever get back to that level of job/salary and made peace with it.

as luck would have it, I picked up a bit of freelance shortly after leaving, which was just enough to keep my network warm and stay up to date in field. 7 years later I walked back into a job on a slightly higher salary than when I left. I probably missed out on a bit of progression / would have been a contender for c-suite in my firm, but in retrospect that is a blessing as that level of stress just isn’t something I want anymore. The time away allowed me to reset my relationship with work - I enjoy it (especially the salary!) but I am far less ambitious than I was pre#kids, and have much firmer boundaries which is better for the family and better for my own health. I might find my ambition again later, but for now I earn really well with a reasonable work life balance.

just to say, dropping out for a few years (or many) doesn’t need to be forever.

I am in Spain and think the labour laws here promote a fairly good work-life balance compared to the UK, and better shared parental responsibility. Reasons:

1. Maternity AND paternity entitlement of 19 weeks each. This is not transferable between parents. The first six weeks MUST be taken beginning on the date of birth. And the rest can be spread over the first year.
2. Sick leave before childbirth is just that -sick leave. Women aren’t expected to start mat leave early.
3. Parents have the statutory right to go part time up to child’s third birthday.
4. Paid public nursery places available from child’s second year.

There are still a lot of gaps in childcare and so on, not least the very long school holidays. And amazingly a lot of men don’t take their fully paid paternity leave because of old fashioned attitudes to this. But going by the families I know from nursery and my own workplace, there is above factors help a lot.

It is possible though ? And I don’t consider giving up a career “brave” at all.

I agree and this is overlooked, too many people claim both parents need to work incase something happened to the other but very few of those have structured their lives to actually exist on one salary so if you need both incomes to pay the bills you’re no safer from the effects of redundancy than a secure family with a sahp.

Because no one subscribes to the myth that stopping working for a period of time is throwing it all away anymore. It’s completely fine to stop work for a while, it’s fine to do something different for a while and it’s fine to change careers either now or later on.

People give far less of a shit about CV gaps or side steps to different industries. There’s a lot more flexibility and open mindedness in recruitment now. It sounds like you think staying on the treadmill is the only way to keep a career going, it’s ok to pause and watch your kids grow up for a few years.

Maybe - if you think work is more important/valuable/rewarding than raising a family.

It’s not depressing if it’s what everyone wants and is best for the family.

I have absolutely no regrets about leaving my career to raise my child, it has been the joy of my life to be there instead of shuffling them back and forth to childcare at age 1/2/3. I really don’t need you to feel depressed on my behalf.

Maybe they wanted to give up work ?

When I was pregnant with my first a friend asked what I intended to do re: work. I stated in no uncertain terms I would be going back full time, my career was important, I'd worked hard to get there and I was having a baby not a personality change.

He was born and I negotiated 2 days part time because I couldn't bear leaving him and saw caring for him as my priority. My career was non existent from then on.

Many years later after more children I started on my own as a sole trader and that's what I still do from home.

I don't regret giving up my career because imo being here for our children and my dh and keeping things running has been more important. Of course it helps that my DH is a good man, with a good job and I acknowledge I've been lucky.

Ultimately it's rarely a free choice.
Each option has a price. We all (hopefully) pick the option that will, on balance, be best for the children, not ourselves.
I think what we often don't take into consideration the effect that having a time-stressed parent has on the child.
I was talking to a friend of my eldest ds the other day (DH died recently and it's amazing how many of the children's old friends have stopped to chat about him). He was saying that, as a child he always felt incredibly guilty if he was ill, or there was an event or even during the holidays because it was so obviously a struggle for his parents to "juggle" everything. He felt like such a burden.
His parents are both lovely people, both have always worked hard and provided him with the best that money could buy.
I think I would also ask those who dare not become financially dependent on their children's father a question. Why would you choose to have a child with someone that you do not trust 100% to always act in the best interest of your child?

I continued to work, as a single parent, but switched to an “easier” career to be home more. Someone once asked me - once the kids left home, what would be the point of my life!!!

Nobody can tell you what you’re going to feel like when you have kids. For some women that’s going to be wanting to focus on their kids for a while. Nothing wrong with that.
Being a working parent is hard and yes it is harder for women even with a supportive partner because we’re the ones who are pregnant and give birth.
Feminism should be about choice right?

Yes bit disappointing