Page 5 | AIBU to feel uneasy about mothers leaving successful careers?

Passaggressfedup · 22/08/2026 07:50

These are women, top of their game. Earning 150k plus. But the lack of flexibility, juggling home and work. Something has to give
Not really. It's a choice. Yes, juggling a career and child tearing is tough but many do it successfully and have done for decades.

The problem is the pressure parents put on themselves unnecessarily. Parents are not strict as they used to be so children are much more demanding and harder to parent.

I managed a career, as a single mum of two with no family support. It was hard but also rewarding. It only worked because my life was very structured, at home and at work. I wouldn't have accepted half the things parents do nowadays.

I did ask my kids when they became adult if they would have preferred I'd stayed at home. Both said absolutely not. My DD is now herself in a successful career. She intends to have children but will absolutely not give up her career.

Jules2025 · 22/08/2026 07:50

Toodledootwo · 22/08/2026 02:08

All my friends are quitting their successful career jobs after having children. They all seem to be throwing their hands in the air saying what’s the point. Is there a revolt happening against women working? It seems we were encouraged to get to work and be independent….but when becoming a mother….still be that mother, still be that provider till burn out?

My father advised me at a young age that even if I had a family, to keep a foot in work. He saw my mother go from having a FT career, supporting him during his long studies to being a SAHM. He feels she should have stayed in part time work as would have been better for her mental health. I ended up being my family’s main breadwinner. My husband took off 3 years to take care of the kids when little. It was hard going back into work due to the gap in his CV and people not seemingly understanding a man could be a primary caregiver. So I don’t think YABU. I loved being off for a year for each of my maternity leaves but I also worked hard for my career and think it actually makes me a better mother.

Owninterpreter · 22/08/2026 07:51

I think it says so much about our work culture. So many people with long commutes, extra long hours and too stressed and busy at work and then come back exhausted, to exhausted children and they start wondering if this is what life is meant to be like.

I also think there is a society thing where most men grow up with no one modeling men caring for children to them so it simply never occurs to them it will be their role. Their child was always going to be looked after by not them so its not a big leap to think childcare prpfessional and extra money has more to offer than mum or dad would.

Add to that the availability and quality if wrap around care at school age is inconsistent and expensive.

Im sure more people would stick at careers if they were copeable and both parents were involved and childcare was better

Back20 · 22/08/2026 07:53

I regret spending my children’s childhood at work.
My children were essentially brought up by grandparents, and I have missed my chance to be a proper mum
The children are much closer to my mum in particular than they are to me
she has so many memories of them growing up whereas my memories are rushing to work and rushing them into bed

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 22/08/2026 07:53

Motheranddaughter · 22/08/2026 07:09

So easy to give up work after having DC ,so hard to ever get back in to it
Your life,your choice OP.
I took full mat leaves and went part time, but then went back full time when they went to school
Am now in late 50s ,and have no regrets
Have had a very good and enjoyable career,DC are happy and confident Young adults,DH and I have totally equal marriage
Have seen a number of friends who gave up work regret it , some are virtually unrecognisable from the people I knew at University
My mum was an ardent feminist (as was my MIL) and she would have been horrified if I had given up my career

I wish I hadn’t given up my (interesting, well-paid) career when I became a mother, although by moving countries when I married, I had stupidly scuppered the career I had enjoyed in any case. The part-time jobs I was able to do subsequently were not stimulating so in the end, I was quite happy to give up working and be the stay at home parent, as my husband earned enough for us not to have to worry about money. That back-fired on me in later years and now as a pensioner, I deeply regret not having filled the past couple of decades doing something fulfilling that I enjoyed. Various circumstances at the time prevented that. Fortunately, I now understand that I had accomplished enough before my marriage that my daughter saw me as a role model anyway, and she is also aware that I regret not have pursued a career of my own once she had left home. I don’t think she will follow in my footsteps, though this is partly because she and her partner don’t think it is responsible, in their position, to bring a child into this world (but that is a different discussion, not for this thread!).

sillyrubberduck · 22/08/2026 07:54

5128gap · 22/08/2026 07:43

I think all the women who are out there in the world contributing at a societal level are just as important as mums. In some cases objectively more so.
I'd not want to live I'm a world where I couldn't see a female doctor, rape crisis counsellor, police officer, midwife, or have other women inputting to the decisions that impact women's lives.
Nor would I want to live in a world where child free or childless women were seen as second class citizens to the women doing 'the most important job in the world'. Where we took a backwards step to a world where men were in complete control of every aspect of public life and we were given only so much autonomy and influence as they allowed us in the home.
You made a decision right for you. But your rhetoric that this is the most important job for women is dangerous. Its just manipulation to force us backwards. I'm very glad to see it's lost traction in the mainstream and hope it never comes back. So much talent amongst women would be lost to us.

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Great post ! Spot on .

Back20 · 22/08/2026 07:55

Oh and a mixture of burnout and changing work environment means my career is all but over as well. So I made those sacrifices for nothing.

Timeforachange26 · 22/08/2026 07:56

canklesmctacotits · 22/08/2026 03:45

It was probably older, truthfully. He came into his own with them from about 6/7yo I’d say. I don’t know why. I think he just didn’t know what to do with them! They don’t exactly have interesting chat or hobbies and interests you can share with them until they’re a bit older. He’s not a sentimental type really. Loved them from the second they were born, in that he felt a duty and responsibility for them and he was aware they came from him partly. But began enjoying them much later.

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Perhaps that had something to do with you doing all the child stuff and never leaving him alone with them on a regular basis to form bonds with them

After all you didn't know automatically what to do as soon as they were born

JuliettaCaeser · 22/08/2026 07:57

See I’m thrilled I gave up my high paying respected career as it was never right for me anyway. The sahm years gave me a pause to pivot. I now use the same skills to do something far better suited to me that I actually enjoy. And I now earn my old salary! We are all different.

ImReallyNotSure · 22/08/2026 07:59

I would never ever put my financial freedom at risk. And this is what I’ll teach my daughter.

This is what I think is crazy. The vulnerable position women end up in.

rumplestiltskin88 · 22/08/2026 08:00

Passaggressfedup · 22/08/2026 07:50

These are women, top of their game. Earning 150k plus. But the lack of flexibility, juggling home and work. Something has to give
Not really. It's a choice. Yes, juggling a career and child tearing is tough but many do it successfully and have done for decades.

The problem is the pressure parents put on themselves unnecessarily. Parents are not strict as they used to be so children are much more demanding and harder to parent.

I managed a career, as a single mum of two with no family support. It was hard but also rewarding. It only worked because my life was very structured, at home and at work. I wouldn't have accepted half the things parents do nowadays.

I did ask my kids when they became adult if they would have preferred I'd stayed at home. Both said absolutely not. My DD is now herself in a successful career. She intends to have children but will absolutely not give up her career.

My mum worked when I was a child . Both of my parents worked and I went to a childminder some of the time. I have happy memories from the childminders to be honest and wouldn’t change a thing. My siblings and I did not give up our careers when we had kids either.

Sartre · 22/08/2026 08:01

I feel the same way. I worked so bloody hard to get to where I am, if I’d given it up for my DC I would feel so resentful. It would also be unjust for DH to continue climbing while I stagnated at home. I love my DC and put every effort into their upbringing but I also love my job very much. We can have and be both and it’s ok.

ImReallyNotSure · 22/08/2026 08:02

canklesmctacotits · 22/08/2026 03:18

I quit my successful and highly paid career when my first was born. I refused to do it all. DH agreed it wouldn’t be in the children’s or my best interests for me to do it all (seeing as he couldn’t be pregnant, couldn’t breast feed, had no bond with them until they were toddlers and probably older etc). So I stayed at home, he worked. He looks after and protects all of us financially while I look after and protect all of us in all the other ways. Not a great feminist or non-feminist statement, just real life. If anything ever happens to us I’d be the overall winner because I’d get the money and the kids - I can’t earn anywhere near as much now, he can walk into a big job any time he wants at this point. Both of us look at each other and our children and think we’re the luckiest people alive.

I don’t think I’ve bread a bigger pile of horse poo on MN before. My DH bonded with our children the moment they were born.

idontknowhowtodreamyourdreams · 22/08/2026 08:02

Clonakilla · 22/08/2026 03:57

Much more important?

The paediatric intensivist who saves your kid’s life has a pretty important career.

I’ve not personally met anyone I’d describe as having a high-flying career - difficult to achieve, high status, hard to get into, long training, lucrative, contributes to society etc - who has quit. It describes most of the people I work with, all of whom continue working with children. Every single one.

I suppose it depends on your definition.

If your work matters it doesn’t stop mattering - in many ways for me it mattered more.

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@Clonakilla totally agree. And you put it much better than I could in my pre-caffeinated state!

Sartre · 22/08/2026 08:02

ImReallyNotSure · 22/08/2026 07:59

I would never ever put my financial freedom at risk. And this is what I’ll teach my daughter.

This is what I think is crazy. The vulnerable position women end up in.

Agree with this too. Even if married it’s risky. Way too many stories of shitty men doing everything possible to get out of paying for their DC following a split.

ImReallyNotSure · 22/08/2026 08:03

@canklesmctacotits and it’s ironic you say he protects you financially - no he doesn’t you’re financially vulnerable.

Wingingit73 · 22/08/2026 08:03

Mothers should do what they feel.is right for themselves and their family without being judged by others. If you want to be a sahm go for it. If you don't, thats fine. A mix of the two, all good.

givemesteel · 22/08/2026 08:05

canklesmctacotits · 22/08/2026 03:18

I quit my successful and highly paid career when my first was born. I refused to do it all. DH agreed it wouldn’t be in the children’s or my best interests for me to do it all (seeing as he couldn’t be pregnant, couldn’t breast feed, had no bond with them until they were toddlers and probably older etc). So I stayed at home, he worked. He looks after and protects all of us financially while I look after and protect all of us in all the other ways. Not a great feminist or non-feminist statement, just real life. If anything ever happens to us I’d be the overall winner because I’d get the money and the kids - I can’t earn anywhere near as much now, he can walk into a big job any time he wants at this point. Both of us look at each other and our children and think we’re the luckiest people alive.

This is naive. You may only end up with 50% of the kids and not as much money as you might think. Trust me, I've been there.

SENMummyto2 · 22/08/2026 08:06

to offer a slightly different perspective (although I’ve not read the entire thread so could be someone already commented about this). I had a very successful career, which I have had no choice but to give up. I have 2 children with SEN & the support is non existent. I reduced my hours to accommodate the fact there was zero wrap around care available, no afterschool clubs, Nannies or childminders could cope and I was, and still am, dealing with school refusal, suspensions and reduced timetables. My nervous system is shot, I’m constantly on high alert and still dealing with multiple violent meltdowns a day. My DH is the higher earner by a mile & he does take over when he isn’t working, but the majority is on me. I absolutely could not do it all. We have set an impossible standard for women who were repeatedly told they could do it all and are now completely burnt out.

Firetreev · 22/08/2026 08:08

TheBlueKoala · 22/08/2026 06:56

One is not forced to have children. And for those earning so much the employment of nannies around the clock is no problem. Maybe these women just look at their lives and reevaluate what really matters. To them it's being present for their children rather than their career. Who are you to judge? I find it depressive when people have children and outsource all childcare- like why bother in the first place?

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I agree. I recently met a woman who was telling me about how wonderful her nursery was - she dropped off her child at 7.30am and picked them up at 6pm five days a week. The poor girl started at eleven months too. This is just beyond grim and does make me wonder why some women have children in the first place. I know that this is an extreme example, but it does make me wonder why people aren't considering the long term negative consequences of this.

FoodieDench · 22/08/2026 08:08

I think most women have too many responsibilities, partly because modern men don't seem to have taken on half of the home management and have also become less competent in DIY etc. while women have become more competent. We end up responsible for it all, while also trying to maintain a successful career. Add in children and it must be even less sustainable.

BricksMom · 22/08/2026 08:09

canklesmctacotits · 22/08/2026 03:18

I quit my successful and highly paid career when my first was born. I refused to do it all. DH agreed it wouldn’t be in the children’s or my best interests for me to do it all (seeing as he couldn’t be pregnant, couldn’t breast feed, had no bond with them until they were toddlers and probably older etc). So I stayed at home, he worked. He looks after and protects all of us financially while I look after and protect all of us in all the other ways. Not a great feminist or non-feminist statement, just real life. If anything ever happens to us I’d be the overall winner because I’d get the money and the kids - I can’t earn anywhere near as much now, he can walk into a big job any time he wants at this point. Both of us look at each other and our children and think we’re the luckiest people alive.

I love this comment! This is how we are.

My husband has also heavily invested into my property portfolio which I am the sole director of, to make sure I (and the children) are protected financially if anything was to happen to him.

Asuitablecat · 22/08/2026 08:09

MN really wouldn't function without these posts, would it? It's just another sahp vs wohp thread designed to get us fighting.

MwaHaHa99 · 22/08/2026 08:10

If lower income family you get childcare costs supported by government, higher not.
That means likely that for higher skilled mums your pay only pays for the childcare, so feels pointless.

Stay home and look after and be with your children, or go back to work and your pay just pays for childcare.

Melograno · 22/08/2026 08:11

MidnightPatrol · 22/08/2026 07:23

I’m seeing a bit of this, usually at the point the children start school - so the childcare has become more complicated, and the children are becoming more aware, ‘why am I in wraparound care when others aren’t’.

Two observations.

the dads often just refuse to help with childcare. No they won’t ask about flexible working. No they can’t work from home. They are happy for the kids to be in clubs 730-630. If the mum doesn’t like it - it’s her problem to find a solution.
Flexible working doesn’t really work to the degree needed to accommodate nursery and school routines / within the 12 hours a young child is awake. Include a commute and you’d need to be leaving work after lunch to collect a child from school.

It is incredibly difficult to know what the right thing to do for your children is, alongside yourself, and that creates a lot of pressure.

This
Its always because the men wont do any parenting
Like fuck would I be giving up my financial security and career to parent my DH and the children
When the two of you have flexibility and work together it is much more manageable
My DH was the first in his workplace to request flexibility and they were ...
Umm YES!
He took responsibility and both he and the DC benefitted