AIBU to feel uneasy about mothers leaving successful careers?

[Toodledootwo]

All my friends are quitting their successful career jobs after having children. They all seem to be throwing their hands in the air saying what’s the point. Is there a revolt happening against women working? It seems we were encouraged to get to work and be independent….but when becoming a mother….still be that mother, still be that provider till burn out?

I quit my successful and highly paid career when my first was born. I refused to do it all. DH agreed it wouldn’t be in the children’s or my best interests for me to do it all (seeing as he couldn’t be pregnant, couldn’t breast feed, had no bond with them until they were toddlers and probably older etc). So I stayed at home, he worked. He looks after and protects all of us financially while I look after and protect all of us in all the other ways. Not a great feminist or non-feminist statement, just real life. If anything ever happens to us I’d be the overall winner because I’d get the money and the kids - I can’t earn anywhere near as much now, he can walk into a big job any time he wants at this point. Both of us look at each other and our children and think we’re the luckiest people alive.

Why does your DH have no bond with your children until they are toddlers?

YABU in the sense that being a mother is much more important that having a high flying career, I was delighted to resign from mine. It meant nothing to me as compared with being a mother.

YANBU in the sense that you feel a bit uneasy about this. That is unsurprising, as the education system, government and mass media brainwash girls with career, career, career from the moment they start school. Marriage and motherhood are treated as after thoughts now, unfortunately.

I’m the type of person though who knows what is actually of high value. I’m delighted you’re seeing more mothers pushing back against all of the career pressure- good on them! Enjoy your children while they are little, it goes way too quickly.

Growing up, I watched my mum clean toilets after my father’s business failed. I didn’t leave my job, in fact I worked for a pittance after child care fees, and worked part time during pre-school years. (All of our money has always been joint). In Australia, you have govt pension if you qualify and private superannuation. We are living quite comfortably on money I saved in super, Without that, we’d be in a lot less desirable situation. Everyone decides what’s right for them, but sometimes life sends curveballs.

I suppose if you don't have a career then the DH decides to leave then you may be at a great disadvantage financially.

It was probably older, truthfully. He came into his own with them from about 6/7yo I’d say. I don’t know why. I think he just didn’t know what to do with them! They don’t exactly have interesting chat or hobbies and interests you can share with them until they’re a bit older. He’s not a sentimental type really. Loved them from the second they were born, in that he felt a duty and responsibility for them and he was aware they came from him partly. But began enjoying them much later.

Maybe that's because he didn't spend a lot of time with them as babies and toddlers? My DH and I both went part time and spent equal time with the DC in the before school years. Neither of us would trade that time for anything and both felt very lucky to be able be able to spend that time with DC and still support the household financially.

Maybe. Probably, in fact. Mine wasn’t a career a person can do PT unfortunately. It’s an all-or-nothing thing. Which is fine. I married late (too busy working!) and had DC late so always knew something would have to give. I just didn’t know if it would be my career or the DC. DH has no regrets, btw. He doesn’t feel he’s missed out on diaper changing and night wakings! He’s incredibly close to them both now, for different reasons. The pendulum has very much swung from me to him! It’ll swing back in time I suspect, to somewhere in the middle. Children need different things at different stages, don’t they.

Much more important?

The paediatric intensivist who saves your kid’s life has a pretty important career.

I’ve not personally met anyone I’d describe as having a high-flying career - difficult to achieve, high status, hard to get into, long training, lucrative, contributes to society etc - who has quit. It describes most of the people I work with, all of whom continue working with children. Every single one.

I suppose it depends on your definition.

If your work matters it doesn’t stop mattering - in many ways for me it mattered more.

I’m one of the many women who stepped back. Most of the women I know didn’t quit entirely. We just scaled back.

I can earn well above median income while working part-time. We have plenty of money and I still have a populated cv and a job network.

at my employer, many of the men do the same, they just do it when the children are older instead of when the children are babies.

it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. If you are lucky, it can be a little of both.

These are women, top of their game. Earning 150k plus. But the lack of flexibility, juggling home and work. Something has to give.

they’re obviously contributing to the work force, men don’t seem to have this problem.

I’m hating watching my kids grow up from afar, and admire my friends and the steps they are taking. I just also enjoy work and know if I was to leave my role I would never be able to return

What should they do? They are ultimately making choices based on having virtually no financial worries. I assume their partners also make decent money, so why not chose a better work/life balance?

I understand. Not everyone is into babies and toddlers in a hands on way. Just as there are women who keep having babies because they love babies but seem to lose interest in them once they hit school age.
As you have said your dh still loved his children, just in a different way to you.

Because we can’t do it all.

Why wouldn’t they have financial worries? They’re giving up their financial independence

How can we make it easier?

Because it seems to a lot of women a man is a plan and no i will never understand deliberately relying on another like that

What job do you do that earns you well above the median wage with part time hours?

I gave up a great extremely well paid career after having my second child.
Dh worked away Monday to Friday, on a far greater wage than mine, so we decided it would be easier for me to stay at home.
As soon as youngest was in school, I joined the workforce again. Not in IT that I was in previously, a much lower paid job but more fulfilling.
Do I regret giving up my career?
Not at all.

Did you change career entirely?

Yes. 5 years in a technical IT role is a lifetime with the speed technology advancement moves.

I get paid significantly less than I did then.

i gave up my high flying job after child 2 (and an international move.) I stayed home for 5 or so years till youngest was at school. Then I went back to work. I thank my lucky stars that I did as we are in a vastly better financial position and I have kept my financial independence. It was hard at first going back, but psychologically very important for me. 10 years on, staying working ( or going back to work after a career break) was the best decision for me. Things can change, people are different.

I’ve done this very thing because the higher I rose, the more toxic it was and it got to a point where I wasn’t myself anymore at home.

We did the maths and figured out we can just about manage, so I chose to step back and prioritise my sanity and my child at this point. I don’t see it as permanent - it’s the best choice for right now, but as she grows up and needs me less, that will probably change.

Frankly, I just couldn’t continue to spend my days (and often evenings) compensating for fragile men in senior positions beyond their capability (the Peter Principle is an interesting read on Wikipedia). My career became less about the work I do - in my own mind anyway - and more about internal politics. And to then be a good parent on top, never mind a partner to my husband…just didn’t have enough left in the tank.