AIBU to feel uneasy about mothers leaving successful careers?

[Toodledootwo]

All my friends are quitting their successful career jobs after having children. They all seem to be throwing their hands in the air saying what’s the point. Is there a revolt happening against women working? It seems we were encouraged to get to work and be independent….but when becoming a mother….still be that mother, still be that provider till burn out?

I stepped back for a few years then returned gradually. I’m no further behind in my profession now but once qualified there’s very little scope for promotion and the usual way to get a decent pay rise is to move jobs.
I loved the time I had when they were little and wouldn’t changed anything.

Why would you ‘get the money and kids’? In the UK, courts rarely do ‘she gets it all’ anymore.

YANBU but as someone who initially had a job share then quit my “big”” career job after the second child, sometimes women can’t face the amount of flagrant discrimination and bullying based on being a parent that goes on. I ended up with a settlement in my case as it had been so obvious, but everyone I know who did quit/change direction/find other work did so becuse it was impossible and unbearable to go on.

we have to change the culture, not blame the women who are trying not to collapse

I currently work full-time in a high performing organisation with a role of responsibility and I have young children. I still try to do it all as I don’t find it fair to put all the financial pressure on my husband and anything might happen in life. We divide responsibility equally and help each other in managing the kids. One of my children has also SEN and it’s been quite a tough ride but still with enormous sacrifice and effort with continue to work and do the best we can to support them financially and emotionally. So no I do not understand when people expect their partner to be only financial provider . I love my husband dearly and I would not put all the financial pressure on him.

This is a bit weird as almost everyone with a mortgage also has life and disability insurance. And if they don’t, they’re really stupid as it is fully explained how essential it is when you’re going through the process of buying.

We deliberately based our mortgage on one income only so that if the worst happens I would be able to raise a family at home without a need to ever return to my career. Been MF for many years now. DH said it was ultimately my choice...we have 4 DC years later. I don't have any regrets. They are 19, 16, 10 and 9. I've enjoyed being around for them all, but in recent years have began studying at the OU part time as I want to enjoy something just for myself during school hours. I feel lucky to have had the choice as I know many don't.

My DH told me I could do what I wanted, so I worked PT and then freelanced until our DD was in high school. in my 50s I went back working FT (really lucky to be hired if I’m honest). I like working (most of the time) and felt extremely uncomfortable not having my own income after maternity leave was over. When I was freelancing it was lovely to have time off when I wanted, but I also found the lack of structure wasn’t something I coped with well. I sort of … floundered… if I didn’t have a job. I thought I would be doing all the jobs around the house and hobbies but really I felt a bit paralysed and worried constantly about getting the next job/client. Anyway I cannot imagine leaving my financial future up to another person, even though my DH is a good guy and works very hard.

This

I quit my job after mat leave as I feel strongly that spending loads of time in nursery is not good for very young children. I do work very limited part time hours around my husband’s work. He is actively involved in childcare as well to allow me to work some evening/weekend hours but I am responsible for the day to day.

My Husband makes a decent salary but he’s not a super high earner. We definitely have made many sacrifices so that we can look after our child ourselves without relying on outside providers. When our child turned 3 we put them in very limited nursery preschool hours purely for the social benefit, but this was driven by what we felt was best for their development and not our childcare needs. We have only had one child as I don’t think we could manage or afford to do the same with two.

We are both happy with this decision and have no regrets thus far. Our child is nearing school age and I do think it’s been extremely beneficial for them, their development, wellbeing, and our relationship with them. I wouldn’t change a thing.

I actually don’t know anyone else who has quit their job after having children to prioritise childcare, most of my friends have gone back to work and put their children in nursery. They certainly should not feel concerned for me as I’ve gone ahead and did what I felt was best for my family and child with no regrets. Presumably, so have they.

So easy to give up work after having DC ,so hard to ever get back in to it
Your life,your choice OP.
I took full mat leaves and went part time, but then went back full time when they went to school
Am now in late 50s ,and have no regrets
Have had a very good and enjoyable career,DC are happy and confident Young adults,DH and I have totally equal marriage
Have seen a number of friends who gave up work regret it , some are virtually unrecognisable from the people I knew at University
My mum was an ardent feminist (as was my MIL) and she would have been horrified if I had given up my career

I went to a series of sessions aimed at inspiring women to achieve high. Each session had a very successful woman come to speak. Of those who mentioned kids, it was really clear that the kids had to be seconded to the careers. One decided to put her kids in boarding school to enable her career, another talked of the toll on her daughter and her daughters subsequent MH problems, another how she makes sure she does breakfast with her daughter ( often the only real time she spends with her). Or they had SAHDs. Or full time Nannie’s.

Highly successful men who have kids haves wives doing the kid stuff. Highly successful women also can’t be so and spend real amounts of time with their kids. Something has to give.

Even people with normal full time jobs like me, it does suck with kids. They and you do miss out compared to SAHMs I know.

FWIW, I do believe we need women who choose to stay in the workforce. We need those female GPs, we need female paediatricians and my most recent experience being my youngest being operated on by a female surgeon correcting a squint. She done an absolutely marvellous job but for her it is her career. I absolutely feel women should have the choice. Like a pp, I felt I couldn't do it all, I chose being at home. We are all different and that should be applauded.

An ardent feminist would recognise women’s right to choose, so she’s not a feminist she merely wants women to have to live in a certain way. I certainly wouldn’t be making decisions about my life based on how horrified others would be.

If they are "giving up their financial independence", then I can only assume their partners make at least as much, if not more than them.

So, they get to raise their children as a SAHM while their OH brings in 6 figures. I think most women would be fairly satisfied with this financial arrangement.

I think parents - and mothers in particular - are pushed back to work too soon these days and is probably a large contributing factor to them choosing to leave work altogether.

Working in a nursery I see many parents are dropping babies off at 7am absolutely shattered if the baby has woken in the night and then expected to work all day on no sleep. It isn’t surprising they feel they need to quit and be a mum for a while instead of doing it all.

Mind your own business. If their husbands earn well, it’s not your place to say if it’s right or wrong. The whole point of the feminist movement is about giving women the CHOICE. Just because they choose something different from you doesn’t make it wrong.

I didn’t quit but I went part time and stepped back slightly. Before kids, my work involved quite a bit of travel and long days (sometimes 12h or more away from home). That’s just not sustainable with small children and I wouldn’t have wanted to be away from them so much anyway. Unfortunately we need to make choices and that was the right one for me and our family.

Luckily my employer was supportive and we worked together to find the right balance. I can imagine many aren’t, and some women quit as a result.

The job market is awful at the moment. I imagine many here did this years ago when you get a job again more easily. I would be careful about choosing this at the minute.

@TheBlueKoala

I find it depressive when people have children and outsource all childcare- like why bother in the first place?

You do realise that many women are forced to outsource most childcare, right? Not everyone has a choice. I was a single parent for 12 years and all the finances fell to me. There was no question of me not working.

As someone who had to keep up the “high flying” (but actually toxic and deeply unpleasant) career I find this thread quite painful to read.

I completely understand why people would want to scale back a career if it competes with raising their children. It’s very striking that women who have had this choice available to them often don’t extend the same courtesy and intellectual honesty to the women who don’t.

Most mums I know want to stop working or to reduce their hours but financially can't. I think women have had a raw deal - now the majority can't choose if they don't want to work and are juggling work and kids under immense pressure. Meanwhile part time working is like paying a huge career tax as employers don't like it. So to get a new part time role you have to be 1000 times better than your full time equivalent (assuming the job isn't a part time role which are few and far between).

I don’t think it’s a good move. It keeps women trapped. How often do we read about the useless men who earn 5 times what the wife does? Also although juggling it all is hard, they aren’t small forever and its good to be able to focus on something different to motherhood.

Also not a consideration I know but my parents would I think have been disappointed if all my education had been wasted.

I do think we need more high quality flexible professional jobs though. I’ve been lucky to have that

This is such a goady thread but one thing I totally disagree with is the notion that there is something innate in mothers that makes them the better choice to give up their careers because they got pregnant and gave birth. We didn’t have any childcare for my second baby so it ended up falling to my DH for a good few months when I went back to work. He is super attached to my DH and does have a slight preference for him as the sort of default parent . Whereas my first was like this with me when he was small and it evened out as he got older . It doesn’t have to be the mother that gives up her career . Even on this thread people are talking about a mothers “right to choose “ as though it’s the mothers responsibility to decide not the fathers .

I gave up my career to become a SAHM because it just wasn’t compatible with being the mother I wanted to be. I had long days and was away at week-long meetings 4 times a year. The final straw was having to miss DC’s first birthday because I was away preparing a product launch that never went ahead.

I took a school-hours job after a couple of years but never went back to my career.

DH also turned down a move to London for a big career jump, because it would have meant missing out on the DC too much.

Neither DH nor I regret those choices. We will be retiring in the next couple of years and things have worked out well.

If some people feel forced to work rather than stop due to financial pressure, then it would follow that some people without the financial pressure won't continue in work.