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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to feel uneasy about mothers leaving successful careers?

549 replies

Toodledootwo · 22/08/2026 02:08

All my friends are quitting their successful career jobs after having children. They all seem to be throwing their hands in the air saying what’s the point. Is there a revolt happening against women working? It seems we were encouraged to get to work and be independent….but when becoming a mother….still be that mother, still be that provider till burn out?

OP posts:
Melograno · 23/08/2026 22:29

minipie · 23/08/2026 21:32

The short answer is, get men to take on an (at least) equal share of all the parenting.

Everything - not just equal time physically looking after the child/children, but equal getting up in the night, equal knowing what works in a tantrum or a sobbing fit, equal knowing what snacks they like, equal googling what that weird rash is, equal batch cooking of child meals, equal checking what clothes have been outgrown, equal calling round nurseries for spaces and so on and on and on.

Most of the women I know who stepped back (including me) didn’t do so because they absolutely loved spending all day with their babies and small children. They did it because they were knackered from trying to juggle their job with 80-90% of the child and home demands - something had to give, and it couldn’t really be the kids.

Get fathers to step up more- and crucially to do this even if it impacts their career - and you’ll see more mothers staying on.

This!

MeetMeOnTheCorner · 23/08/2026 22:43

@minipie And who is going to do that? Who is going to run the business and see the client when dad hops off early? Who is going to supervise a difficult job late in the day? Women face thsss issues too and some women do work long hours. Life in a marriage with dc can rarely be equal. Forcing people is counter productive. It’s better to have a routine that both can manage and ditch the silly 50:50. Most people who are working cannot do it and don’t do it. Something or someone always takes a back seat or you hire in help which is one reason to keep working. Farm out the kids.

Imdunfer · 24/08/2026 08:13

Melograno · 23/08/2026 21:02

The unintended consequences of financial freedom for women has been horrible inflation and house prices going through the roof

Oh dear god not that old chesnut!!

Please educate yourself on the deregulation of the financial markets, and MIRAS

MIRAS was phased out then abolished altogether approaching 30 years ago. Thatcher deregulated the financial markets to allow banks to sell mortgages rather than just building societies, and on higher earnings multiples, in the 80s.

Houses can only be sold for what people can and will pay for them.

The more income a household has the higher the price that can be paid.

In the absence of an excess of supply, the market will dictate that the higher household income are, the higher house prices will go.

MickyMoonshine · 24/08/2026 08:20

MeetMeOnTheCorner · 23/08/2026 22:43

@minipie And who is going to do that? Who is going to run the business and see the client when dad hops off early? Who is going to supervise a difficult job late in the day? Women face thsss issues too and some women do work long hours. Life in a marriage with dc can rarely be equal. Forcing people is counter productive. It’s better to have a routine that both can manage and ditch the silly 50:50. Most people who are working cannot do it and don’t do it. Something or someone always takes a back seat or you hire in help which is one reason to keep working. Farm out the kids.

Why are you so offended by the suggestion that men can work flexibly?
You seem to suggest that all men are still employed with zero flexibility or that all the important work happens at school pick up time.
Suggesting men work flexibly to facilitate childcare isn’t silly. It’s what millions of parents do. I’m not sure why you think it’s specifically difficult for men?

Most couples with two working parents figure it out between them. Despite your assumptions working patents can and do manage this effectively. Someone only has to take a backseat if one parent refuses to compromise.

My DS has just left primary school. We live in an area with lots of people working in senior professional roles and people who run their own businesses. Out of a class of 30 there were only 2 dads who never picked up or attended any school event. One of those men doesn’t work and the other works but his wife says he refuses to do anything with the kids.
All other dads make it work including the doctors, solicitors, client facing business owners, academics, senior civil servant… it seems to me that if men want to be active parents they will make it work.

Your views a massively outdated.

LivelyRedFawn · 24/08/2026 08:23

Yeah it sucks. I stopped doing management roles when I had kids. I now have my own support business and make $70 an hour roughly but I have had to sacrifice my career that's true. I don't regret it. My husband has to work extremely hard, harder than me probably. When he was made redundant from a very lucrative role I had to go full time again for four years. I did love it but both of us full time just doesn't work and his role is not flexible, it's full time or nothing. But you are correct. If women didn't have children we would probably have an equal number of female CEOs and politicians I think.

GrumpyPanda · 24/08/2026 08:29

ThankYouNigel · 22/08/2026 03:23

YABU in the sense that being a mother is much more important that having a high flying career, I was delighted to resign from mine. It meant nothing to me as compared with being a mother.

YANBU in the sense that you feel a bit uneasy about this. That is unsurprising, as the education system, government and mass media brainwash girls with career, career, career from the moment they start school. Marriage and motherhood are treated as after thoughts now, unfortunately.

I’m the type of person though who knows what is actually of high value. I’m delighted you’re seeing more mothers pushing back against all of the career pressure- good on them! Enjoy your children while they are little, it goes way too quickly.

Edited

May we gather your husband is entirely lacking in "high values," then?

MickyMoonshine · 24/08/2026 08:30

minipie · 23/08/2026 21:32

The short answer is, get men to take on an (at least) equal share of all the parenting.

Everything - not just equal time physically looking after the child/children, but equal getting up in the night, equal knowing what works in a tantrum or a sobbing fit, equal knowing what snacks they like, equal googling what that weird rash is, equal batch cooking of child meals, equal checking what clothes have been outgrown, equal calling round nurseries for spaces and so on and on and on.

Most of the women I know who stepped back (including me) didn’t do so because they absolutely loved spending all day with their babies and small children. They did it because they were knackered from trying to juggle their job with 80-90% of the child and home demands - something had to give, and it couldn’t really be the kids.

Get fathers to step up more- and crucially to do this even if it impacts their career - and you’ll see more mothers staying on.

100% this.
It’s how we have approached this in our house and both of our careers have thrived. Some people are under the impression that men are unable to request flexibility at work ( or create it if they’re self employed) but that’s a really outdated view.
Of course there are certain things that DH can’t say no to and same for me, but these rarely clash so it all works out.
Women have been negotiating flexibility in the workplace for years, there is zero reason why men can’t do the same . Like you, I think this is what will make the biggest difference.

Melograno · 24/08/2026 10:56

Imdunfer · 24/08/2026 08:13

MIRAS was phased out then abolished altogether approaching 30 years ago. Thatcher deregulated the financial markets to allow banks to sell mortgages rather than just building societies, and on higher earnings multiples, in the 80s.

Houses can only be sold for what people can and will pay for them.

The more income a household has the higher the price that can be paid.

In the absence of an excess of supply, the market will dictate that the higher household income are, the higher house prices will go.

Yes I know
I was replying to PP

ThankYouNigel · 24/08/2026 11:30

GrumpyPanda · 24/08/2026 08:29

May we gather your husband is entirely lacking in "high values," then?

On the contrary, he would have happily been a SAHD. He agrees it’s a great model, and didn’t care which of us did which part. We both actually did the same job before I resigned, I was actually offered a big promotion and he offered to be the one to stay at home, but it’s something I’ve always wanted to do. He thinks my role is the more directly beneficial one to our children day to day, and values what I bring to the table.

He is also more home focused, he’s refused to move to a workplace further away/take on more, never works away and is in a job where he gets a lot of annual leave. We both prioritise home more.

Anarchy99 · 24/08/2026 16:48

ThankYouNigel · 24/08/2026 11:30

On the contrary, he would have happily been a SAHD. He agrees it’s a great model, and didn’t care which of us did which part. We both actually did the same job before I resigned, I was actually offered a big promotion and he offered to be the one to stay at home, but it’s something I’ve always wanted to do. He thinks my role is the more directly beneficial one to our children day to day, and values what I bring to the table.

He is also more home focused, he’s refused to move to a workplace further away/take on more, never works away and is in a job where he gets a lot of annual leave. We both prioritise home more.

Edited

Do you have your own source of income or are you totally dependent on his salary? Do you have something in place in case you split?

ThankYouNigel · 24/08/2026 17:43

Anarchy99 · 24/08/2026 16:48

Do you have your own source of income or are you totally dependent on his salary? Do you have something in place in case you split?

Zero debt and half our house in my own name, which we’ve already paid off. We are both extremely careful with money, we saved loads when we both worked FT before children.

I get a bit bored on here with people criticising single earner couples. It’s actually much more financially prudent, as we have never overstretched ourselves. Every two-earner couple we know has taken on mortgages which are way too big and are in so much debt with car loans, credit cards, things we’ve refused to engage with. None of them could sustain their current lifestyle if one of them was suddenly made redundant or became too unwell to work.

We both lost a parent as children, and I know that if I died, my husband could afford to drop to 3-4 days and spend more time at home. Similarly, I could return easily to my prior career or similar earning less now, to care for my husband if he ever became too unwell to work. We’ve never liked the idea of both of our salaries being relied upon in case something goes wrong. We have a buffer in each other.

It also annoys me that SAHPs are criticised for being ‘dependent’ by people who have no problem remaining highly dependent on their own ageing parents/ILs. Relying on them for substantial childcare, help with clubs, homework, cooking and cleaning. It seems some of these women think all this is fine if done by a Grandmother, who has already spent years raising children, but not the actual mother!

Anarchy99 · 24/08/2026 17:52

ThankYouNigel · 24/08/2026 17:43

Zero debt and half our house in my own name, which we’ve already paid off. We are both extremely careful with money, we saved loads when we both worked FT before children.

I get a bit bored on here with people criticising single earner couples. It’s actually much more financially prudent, as we have never overstretched ourselves. Every two-earner couple we know has taken on mortgages which are way too big and are in so much debt with car loans, credit cards, things we’ve refused to engage with. None of them could sustain their current lifestyle if one of them was suddenly made redundant or became too unwell to work.

We both lost a parent as children, and I know that if I died, my husband could afford to drop to 3-4 days and spend more time at home. Similarly, I could return easily to my prior career or similar earning less now, to care for my husband if he ever became too unwell to work. We’ve never liked the idea of both of our salaries being relied upon in case something goes wrong. We have a buffer in each other.

It also annoys me that SAHPs are criticised for being ‘dependent’ by people who have no problem remaining highly dependent on their own ageing parents/ILs. Relying on them for substantial childcare, help with clubs, homework, cooking and cleaning. It seems some of these women think all this is fine if done by a Grandmother, who has already spent years raising children, but not the actual mother!

Edited

You don’t have to get so defensive. That’s fine if it works for you,

i only asked about if you split up in the future as people never seem to consider that. If someone can manage financially in the event that the earning person ups and leaves then it’s all good.

ThankYouNigel · 24/08/2026 17:57

Anarchy99 · 24/08/2026 17:52

You don’t have to get so defensive. That’s fine if it works for you,

i only asked about if you split up in the future as people never seem to consider that. If someone can manage financially in the event that the earning person ups and leaves then it’s all good.

Some people don’t consider it, but it’s genuinely not as big an issue as people make out. My Mum divorced when I was 17 after 17 years as a SAHM, temporarily moved in with her parents while their house sold, then bought a smaller one. She started a new job very quickly and easily, with great CPD and progression opportunities, after almost 20 years out of the workforce. Never needed to claim benefits, although there is that temporarily for those trying to get back in their feet. Some people re-marry quickly. Things can be sorted, it’s very negative on here. SAHPs do have other family members who would help them out temporarily.

Anarchy99 · 24/08/2026 18:06

ThankYouNigel · 24/08/2026 17:57

Some people don’t consider it, but it’s genuinely not as big an issue as people make out. My Mum divorced when I was 17 after 17 years as a SAHM, temporarily moved in with her parents while their house sold, then bought a smaller one. She started a new job very quickly and easily, with great CPD and progression opportunities, after almost 20 years out of the workforce. Never needed to claim benefits, although there is that temporarily for those trying to get back in their feet. Some people re-marry quickly. Things can be sorted, it’s very negative on here. SAHPs do have other family members who would help them out temporarily.

Fair enough - I personally couldn’t give up any financial independence in the hope that someone else would help out if it came to it.

Anarchy99 · 24/08/2026 18:08

ThankYouNigel · 24/08/2026 17:57

Some people don’t consider it, but it’s genuinely not as big an issue as people make out. My Mum divorced when I was 17 after 17 years as a SAHM, temporarily moved in with her parents while their house sold, then bought a smaller one. She started a new job very quickly and easily, with great CPD and progression opportunities, after almost 20 years out of the workforce. Never needed to claim benefits, although there is that temporarily for those trying to get back in their feet. Some people re-marry quickly. Things can be sorted, it’s very negative on here. SAHPs do have other family members who would help them out temporarily.

And surely you realise that being able to step back into a career after 20 years away isn’t something that most people can do. An employer is going to prioritise someone who has up to date skills and experience over someone who has been sitting at home raising the children during that time

ThankYouNigel · 24/08/2026 18:57

Anarchy99 · 24/08/2026 18:08

And surely you realise that being able to step back into a career after 20 years away isn’t something that most people can do. An employer is going to prioritise someone who has up to date skills and experience over someone who has been sitting at home raising the children during that time

How many SAHMs do you actually know? It’s really common to take 5-10 years out.

You are misguided that SAHMs ‘sit at home all day.’ SAHMs have a lot of contacts in their local communities, through playgroups, schools, churches, voluntary projects, being generally around more to chat to people. They still network!

I was asked, very seriously, by 3 different new contacts I’ve met through my children (some in my previous field, some nothing to do with it) if I wanted to work for them, which I was touched by, but turned down.

MickyMoonshine · 24/08/2026 19:06

ThankYouNigel · 24/08/2026 18:57

How many SAHMs do you actually know? It’s really common to take 5-10 years out.

You are misguided that SAHMs ‘sit at home all day.’ SAHMs have a lot of contacts in their local communities, through playgroups, schools, churches, voluntary projects, being generally around more to chat to people. They still network!

I was asked, very seriously, by 3 different new contacts I’ve met through my children (some in my previous field, some nothing to do with it) if I wanted to work for them, which I was touched by, but turned down.

Edited

I’ve worked with a lot of women looking to return to work. While it’s not impossible to return to the same/similar job after a prolonged absence it’s not as common as people say it is on MN.
I fully support a women’s choice to stay at home after children but it is important that that devs is an informed one. It’s irresponsible to say they’ll walk back into a job after 5-10 years. There are so many other factors at play.

ThankYouNigel · 24/08/2026 19:10

MickyMoonshine · 24/08/2026 19:06

I’ve worked with a lot of women looking to return to work. While it’s not impossible to return to the same/similar job after a prolonged absence it’s not as common as people say it is on MN.
I fully support a women’s choice to stay at home after children but it is important that that devs is an informed one. It’s irresponsible to say they’ll walk back into a job after 5-10 years. There are so many other factors at play.

It’s definitely not as hard as people on here make out. Literally everyone I know has. Some to the same job, some to a more flexible one, others have had the time to study/re-train and have a brand new career, run their own small business, etc. Some get more involved with their DH’s business. Why does that bother you?

MickyMoonshine · 24/08/2026 19:26

ThankYouNigel · 24/08/2026 19:10

It’s definitely not as hard as people on here make out. Literally everyone I know has. Some to the same job, some to a more flexible one, others have had the time to study/re-train and have a brand new career, run their own small business, etc. Some get more involved with their DH’s business. Why does that bother you?

Edited

Why is any challenge towards SAHP met with the assumption that the poster is triggered in some way? There is no need to be so defensive.
I’m offering up my professional opinion. I have spent a significant amount of my career focusing on women’s career development. This includes supporting women returners, researching, writing and training career development professionals.

There are a number of factors which can influence how easy it is to return to the same job after a significant absence. At the moment we have a constricted labour market which will make it extra challenging. As will
the rapid technological advances.

ThankYouNigel · 24/08/2026 19:28

MickyMoonshine · 24/08/2026 19:26

Why is any challenge towards SAHP met with the assumption that the poster is triggered in some way? There is no need to be so defensive.
I’m offering up my professional opinion. I have spent a significant amount of my career focusing on women’s career development. This includes supporting women returners, researching, writing and training career development professionals.

There are a number of factors which can influence how easy it is to return to the same job after a significant absence. At the moment we have a constricted labour market which will make it extra challenging. As will
the rapid technological advances.

Great to hear you’ve been involved with supporting women returners- more employers should take note.

TrixieFatell · 24/08/2026 19:33

I left my job after my second child as it just wasn't compatible with my idea of being a mum (expectations id do a lot of overtime (not paid), travelling away etc). I was a sahm for a few years then I retrained and am currently enjoying my current career. I couldn't not work forever because I've seen too many friends be left in the shit by their husbands. Plus I'd get bored after they were at school.

Timeforachange26 · 24/08/2026 19:58

ThankYouNigel · 24/08/2026 11:30

On the contrary, he would have happily been a SAHD. He agrees it’s a great model, and didn’t care which of us did which part. We both actually did the same job before I resigned, I was actually offered a big promotion and he offered to be the one to stay at home, but it’s something I’ve always wanted to do. He thinks my role is the more directly beneficial one to our children day to day, and values what I bring to the table.

He is also more home focused, he’s refused to move to a workplace further away/take on more, never works away and is in a job where he gets a lot of annual leave. We both prioritise home more.

Edited

So he he wanted to him the sahp why did you get the final say?

Timeforachange26 · 24/08/2026 19:59

ThankYouNigel · 24/08/2026 18:57

How many SAHMs do you actually know? It’s really common to take 5-10 years out.

You are misguided that SAHMs ‘sit at home all day.’ SAHMs have a lot of contacts in their local communities, through playgroups, schools, churches, voluntary projects, being generally around more to chat to people. They still network!

I was asked, very seriously, by 3 different new contacts I’ve met through my children (some in my previous field, some nothing to do with it) if I wanted to work for them, which I was touched by, but turned down.

Edited

5-10 years off? I don't know a single person who has done that. Mind you I don't know anyone with a husband who would earn enough to support them either

ThankYouNigel · 24/08/2026 20:14

Timeforachange26 · 24/08/2026 19:58

So he he wanted to him the sahp why did you get the final say?

Because my husband knows that a happy wife is a happy life, not that it’s any of your business.

Timeforachange26 · 24/08/2026 20:17

ThankYouNigel · 24/08/2026 20:14

Because my husband knows that a happy wife is a happy life, not that it’s any of your business.

Bo need to be so dnoppy it's a bloody discussion

Just as long as you'd do the same for him

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