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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to feel uneasy about mothers leaving successful careers?

549 replies

Toodledootwo · 22/08/2026 02:08

All my friends are quitting their successful career jobs after having children. They all seem to be throwing their hands in the air saying what’s the point. Is there a revolt happening against women working? It seems we were encouraged to get to work and be independent….but when becoming a mother….still be that mother, still be that provider till burn out?

OP posts:
MickyMoonshine · 23/08/2026 09:19

LittleBearPad · 23/08/2026 09:14

Children need teaching manners, how to behave, how to interact appropriately with both children and adults. They need to learn self-care skills, how to express and manage emotions, how to live a healthy life, how to respect boundaries and limits, especially with screen time. How to assert themselves and resolve conflict healthily. How read, write and count.

You do understand WOHP do all that too. They don’t just stick their children in a holding cell for 18 years.

Exactly. And some SAHP don’t teach their children any of these skills and qualities.

Like I said earlier, we should not be belittling SAHPs but we also shouldn’t be saying working parents essentially neglect their children.

Melograno · 23/08/2026 09:51

MeetMeOnTheCorner · 23/08/2026 09:00

@MelogranoIve worked with women where dad does most of the parenting and one who left her DH and child and moved 100 miles away with another man. Some women are not maternal and don’t want to take the load. She came back to work 3 weeks after giving birth. Do we celebrate that or not? Or do we think everyone should have a choice?

Conversely whether anyone likes it or not, some dads are not that interested in dc. They work very long hours in some jobs and something has to give when mum is doing the same. Walking away from that, or even your own business, is not possible so parents take a pragmatic view and usually the higher earner keeps going with their work.

My DH, for example, had 100 employees, should he just take a back seat and leave them to it? Not bother to get work for them to do? Families have a mix of priorities and needs. Many dads are great but that doesn’t necessarily mean they must be an equal parent in terms of hours put in.

I dont disagree with what you have written at all , however if one parent is completely disinterested it doesnt give the other partner much choice but to step up

Cityslickers · 23/08/2026 09:52

I’m surprised many people can afford to stop working now. Even low 6 figures doesn’t go THAT far for a family of 4, unless you’ve been given a large deposit for your home.

Personally I’d be scared about the risk of illness / death / divorce removing the one earlier and being left in a difficult position. But then I don’t have savings and investments to last me 5 years as someone else previously mentioned.

I would have liked to have a longer maternity leave as it was hard working with little sleep but now I’m a few years on I am glad I persevered.

Thepeopleversuswork · 23/08/2026 10:25

catlover123456789 · 23/08/2026 08:01

Of course not. I'm replying to a post that said you HAVE to have both.

If you are a single parent after the breakdown of a marriage which you expected to last and get no financial support from the child’s father you have to have it all/do it all. You can’t decide not to care for children after having them.

MeetMeOnTheCorner · 23/08/2026 10:41

@Melograno Well yes. Dc need a parent and hopefully two. However most parents work out a system that works for them but it can be hard to find that though! Many people cannot live without a second salary and that brings a lot of pressures. Some can and find childcare costs greatly outweigh earnings of one parent or the other. Some people don’t work for a bit but find it easy to resume work - teachers for example. Others cannot just walk away for years and expect to get a job at all. So most people weigh this up but I think in calling for all men to do better doesn’t take personal circumstances into account - mainly the money situation and the job the men do.

MickyMoonshine · 23/08/2026 10:49

MeetMeOnTheCorner · 23/08/2026 10:41

@Melograno Well yes. Dc need a parent and hopefully two. However most parents work out a system that works for them but it can be hard to find that though! Many people cannot live without a second salary and that brings a lot of pressures. Some can and find childcare costs greatly outweigh earnings of one parent or the other. Some people don’t work for a bit but find it easy to resume work - teachers for example. Others cannot just walk away for years and expect to get a job at all. So most people weigh this up but I think in calling for all men to do better doesn’t take personal circumstances into account - mainly the money situation and the job the men do.

I personally think that the only way we will see improved flexible working for parents is if men start demanding it and using it. I’ve seen this work in practice.

In most cases you can work a senior job flexibly but in many workplaces we’re stuck in a system that was designed for men to work while having a wife at home looking after the children.

apples24 · 23/08/2026 11:07

My DH had a very serious stroke aged 39, when I was on maternity leave with DC2. I had little option but to go back to work and am the main breadwinner on a low six figure pay. He's working again, but 3 days a week. One of his days off go towards managing the neurifatigue and his mentalhealth, on one the younger one isn't in childcare and he looks after him.

He possibly could have been medically retired, but we're very nervous of my job stability. I'm in the sort of white collar job that will be threatened by AI. This year I already reduced headcount by 20% at the junior grader, it'll come to more senior grades in a few years and the employment market is shocking.

So we both know we just need to keep going.

It's not ideal for the kids. But then, a spiralling debt crises in the household wouldn't be either.

My husband's stroke surely demonstrated not to take anything for granted.

So, TLDR, I think, to be a SAHP, one needs really substantial independent financial security to take that risk.

MeetMeOnTheCorner · 23/08/2026 11:13

@MickyMoonshine You are making the incorrect assumption that all men are employed and want all this time off! Many do not and the self employed economy is huge. Not everyone gets a salary at the end of the month. As I said, my Dh was responsible for his company and the majority of the work. What is anyone in this position suppose to do? Give up for months on end? Plus who honestly thinks firms have endless money to pay for yet more extended leave? Why should business pay yet another cost (hidden tax effectively). It’s not sustainable for jobs or the overall economy.

Women often do see the disadvantages of prolonged leave and I think many men want and need to keep working. Someone has to and I think most employers cannot afford the extra cost of yet more absence and cost.

Itchthescratch · 23/08/2026 11:17

LittleBearPad · 23/08/2026 09:14

Children need teaching manners, how to behave, how to interact appropriately with both children and adults. They need to learn self-care skills, how to express and manage emotions, how to live a healthy life, how to respect boundaries and limits, especially with screen time. How to assert themselves and resolve conflict healthily. How read, write and count.

You do understand WOHP do all that too. They don’t just stick their children in a holding cell for 18 years.

I agree with you generally but always find it odd when parents that work long hours argue that they do the exact same amount of parenting and child rearing activities as a SAHP. It's obviously untrue in the vast majority of cases and would be equivalent to someone that worked PT in a role claiming they were doing the exact same work as someone that worked FT. Sure, the role and responsibilities may be the same but the sheer amount of hours involved would mean that a basic level the FT employee is usually doing considerably more. We are all only human and only have so many hours in the day.

Pretending that we are potty training our toddlers the same as a SAHP when the child spends the majority of the waking day at nursery is ridiculous. The same goes for virtually every other child rearing activity. My children now go to school and it would be absolutely mad for me to claim that I was doing the same as a homeschooling SAHP because I do a bit of homework with them and take them out to enriching activities in the evening or weekend.

Basically my thoughts as that SAHPs is the same as someone that wants to care for their elderly parents themselves. Caring has value and no, we can't all work FT and do the same as SAHP or any other FT carer. That's fine and many of us can't or don't want to do the caring ourselves to that extent. We entrust others to do this on our behalf and the work they do have immense value too. If you do prioritise doing this caring work yourself then be very careful that you are in the financial position to do this and to support yourself whilst doing this but if you are, then it's absolutely a valid and worthwhile choice.

MickyMoonshine · 23/08/2026 11:32

MeetMeOnTheCorner · 23/08/2026 11:13

@MickyMoonshine You are making the incorrect assumption that all men are employed and want all this time off! Many do not and the self employed economy is huge. Not everyone gets a salary at the end of the month. As I said, my Dh was responsible for his company and the majority of the work. What is anyone in this position suppose to do? Give up for months on end? Plus who honestly thinks firms have endless money to pay for yet more extended leave? Why should business pay yet another cost (hidden tax effectively). It’s not sustainable for jobs or the overall economy.

Women often do see the disadvantages of prolonged leave and I think many men want and need to keep working. Someone has to and I think most employers cannot afford the extra cost of yet more absence and cost.

You’re confusing paternity leave with flexible working.
That’s an entirely different conversation.

Why are you assuming men don’t want to work flexibility and be more active and involved parents? Why do we, as a society, expect women to be the ones to work part time or flexible hours? Why should women be the ones who bear the brunt of their career stalling or stopping altogether when a change in societal attitudes could have a huge positive impact for both sexes?

A prime example of this is when DS was 2 my husband got a new job. The department he worked in offered no flexi time and staff were expected to be at their desks 8.30- 5. There was no business need for that to be the case.
Those hours meant DH couldn’t do any nursery drop offs or pick ups which was going to have an impact on my career. DH was senior enough to introduce flexi time and the impact of the department was positive on a number of fronts.
More women returned to work after maternity leave, a couple of men requested part time hours and directly quoted the change in culture around working parents. Staff satisfaction increased because all staff could work flexi time. They’re consistently one of the highest performing team on a number of metrics.

Nobody is saying we could force men to work flexibly but the narrative shouldn’t be that the can’t of we shouldn’t expect them to.

MeetMeOnTheCorner · 23/08/2026 11:57

@MickyMoonshine No I’m not. I don’t assume anything, but career focussed men with work responsibilities don’t want much more paternity leave and I’m assuming you have no idea what being self employed means? You are talking about the employed only and they are not all men! Or all women.

You also think everyone sits at a desk from 8.30-5??? What planet are you on? Flexible working is entirely different but many jobs do require much longer hours and are not work from home easy jobs. You need a much wider understanding of employment and work. How can a self employed person not work when the clients are available or carry out work to suit themselves and not the client? You have had a charmed life!

MickyMoonshine · 23/08/2026 12:15

MeetMeOnTheCorner · 23/08/2026 11:57

@MickyMoonshine No I’m not. I don’t assume anything, but career focussed men with work responsibilities don’t want much more paternity leave and I’m assuming you have no idea what being self employed means? You are talking about the employed only and they are not all men! Or all women.

You also think everyone sits at a desk from 8.30-5??? What planet are you on? Flexible working is entirely different but many jobs do require much longer hours and are not work from home easy jobs. You need a much wider understanding of employment and work. How can a self employed person not work when the clients are available or carry out work to suit themselves and not the client? You have had a charmed life!

You aren’t even reading what I’m saying. Where have I mentioned paternity leave. I’m talking about flexible working. They’re two different things.

But anyway, why wouldn’t career focussed men want paternity leave? Lots of career focused women have maternity leave. I’ve known and worked with lots of career focused men who manage to also work flexibly around being a parent. Just as I’ve worked with lots of career focused women.
I know what being self employed means - I’m not stupid. In my experience that gives you even more flexibility! (Yes I’ve been self employed)

I also don’t think everyone works 8.30-5. I was giving a specific example (maybe read what I’ve actually written)
Why are you assuming all wfh jobs are ‘easy’.
I realise some jobs aren’t compatible with flexible working but lots are. More so than ever - I have data to back that up if you need it? I analyse labour market information regularly.

I have a very good understanding of work and employment. It’s literally my career - over 20 years of working in the career development sector with a specific focus on supporting women’s career development. I research and write on career development and have a PhD in the subject.

Instead of getting angry at my posts try reading what I’ve actually written.

MickyMoonshine · 23/08/2026 12:16

@MeetMeOnTheCorneri have to laugh at you saying you don’t make assumptions then you write a ranty post which is literally full of assumptions 😂😂

Emskies · 23/08/2026 13:03

Toodledootwo · 22/08/2026 02:08

All my friends are quitting their successful career jobs after having children. They all seem to be throwing their hands in the air saying what’s the point. Is there a revolt happening against women working? It seems we were encouraged to get to work and be independent….but when becoming a mother….still be that mother, still be that provider till burn out?

I feel like I want to respond to this as it’s something I am struggling with it at the moment! I am in a high paying but very stressful long hour job. I have for the first time experienced burnout in the last few months. I feel like I can’t be the mother I want to be with the job I am in (consulting). I also earned more than my husband so it’s not really an option for us but it makes me at least want to think about doing a more 9 to 5 job that doesn’t require such crazy hours and stress. I think my husband would feel the same if he had the same level of stress so in some ways I think it is gender neutral! No real answers, but just wanted to share some thoughts

canklesmctacotits · 23/08/2026 13:03

Parker231 · 23/08/2026 08:54

A good man? The poster is saying her DH couldn’t bond with their children until they were toddlers or older? Why couldn’t he bond from day one?

Replying to this and other posters who’ve said similar. Not the point of the thread so I won’t bang on: I don’t know why he couldn’t bond as babies/ toddlers. Maybe in the way some women don’t, or some women lose interest when small children become adolescents? He loved them from the second they appeared, but I think didn’t know how to be with a child with no discernible or reliable personality. Nowadays, however, the pendulum has swung the other way: I love seeing them go away on trips for weeks on end, travel with their friends, stay with family, do weekends away, travel solo. It’s great for their independence and I love hearing their stories when they get back. I love to imagine them as I was at that stage, exploring without my parents there to catch me, dependent only on myself. DH hates it! He misses them physically, mopes about showing me photos of them/ telling me how many days until they get home/ wondering how this child will cope with xyz and whether that child is missing abc etc. He’s totally out of sorts, misses hanging out with them, and hates missing the structure of us and them being together and safe with the kids in their beds under our roof. Horses for courses, we’re all different.

Bananacrepewithnuts · 23/08/2026 13:11

My kids were little over 20 years ago now so it was a bit different in that everything was sooo much cheaper and we could manage on my DH salary.
I felt it was a privilege to stay at home with my children and I look back now and know that was the right thing for our family.
Sadly nowadays more often than not it comes down to money and both parents have to work - which is great if that's what you want to do but so unfortunate if you have no other option.

X

BoredZelda · 23/08/2026 13:36

Is this really what real people sit up at 2am and decide to post on MN about? How bizarre.

HollyhocksandPeons · 23/08/2026 13:42

ThankYouNigel · 22/08/2026 03:23

YABU in the sense that being a mother is much more important that having a high flying career, I was delighted to resign from mine. It meant nothing to me as compared with being a mother.

YANBU in the sense that you feel a bit uneasy about this. That is unsurprising, as the education system, government and mass media brainwash girls with career, career, career from the moment they start school. Marriage and motherhood are treated as after thoughts now, unfortunately.

I’m the type of person though who knows what is actually of high value. I’m delighted you’re seeing more mothers pushing back against all of the career pressure- good on them! Enjoy your children while they are little, it goes way too quickly.

Edited

This x 10

MickyMoonshine · 23/08/2026 13:44

BoredZelda · 23/08/2026 13:36

Is this really what real people sit up at 2am and decide to post on MN about? How bizarre.

Not everyone is in the UK 🤷‍♀️

HollyhocksandPeons · 23/08/2026 13:50

My immediate surrounding are different - women don't have successful careers, they have mweh sort of careers, usual, run-of-the-mill, nobody won a Nobel Prize or anything, nobody invented a vaccine. It is a daily slog, that is all. But many of them were lied to, they were told to concentrate on their 'careers', postpone motherhood and freeze eggs. Many are without children and bitter, because they bought the lies - that age is just a number, that you should concentrate on your 'career' first, then have children, that marriage is not important, that cohabiting with a guy without getting married is normal, etc. etc. My most upsetting example is a very beautiful woman, an academically intelligent one too, who also thought 'age is a number'. I knew her when she became a student, she was 35, we were 20. She then did a PhD in East European Political Systems, funded by the British Council, I think, so she bought the lie that with that PhD she would waltz into a highly paid job in the EU (aye, right, at 45, looking for her first proper job, armed with a PhD). Needless to say, it did not work out, but she bought those lies. So no, I don't find what you see sad in any way - they are lucky to have realised what important things are.

MeetMeOnTheCorner · 23/08/2026 14:05

@HollyhocksandPeons Intelligent people should work out these offs for themselves. Just because the courses and jobs exist, it doesn’t mean you should do them and you weigh up probabilities. Delaying having dc is exactly the same. It’s gambling. No one believes everything they might hear - do they?

MickyMoonshine · 23/08/2026 14:23

HollyhocksandPeons · 23/08/2026 13:50

My immediate surrounding are different - women don't have successful careers, they have mweh sort of careers, usual, run-of-the-mill, nobody won a Nobel Prize or anything, nobody invented a vaccine. It is a daily slog, that is all. But many of them were lied to, they were told to concentrate on their 'careers', postpone motherhood and freeze eggs. Many are without children and bitter, because they bought the lies - that age is just a number, that you should concentrate on your 'career' first, then have children, that marriage is not important, that cohabiting with a guy without getting married is normal, etc. etc. My most upsetting example is a very beautiful woman, an academically intelligent one too, who also thought 'age is a number'. I knew her when she became a student, she was 35, we were 20. She then did a PhD in East European Political Systems, funded by the British Council, I think, so she bought the lie that with that PhD she would waltz into a highly paid job in the EU (aye, right, at 45, looking for her first proper job, armed with a PhD). Needless to say, it did not work out, but she bought those lies. So no, I don't find what you see sad in any way - they are lucky to have realised what important things are.

Just because you don’t know women who have successful careers doesn’t mean other women don’t.
I’m 44 and have never been told to postpone motherhood or freeze eggs. In fact, I don’t know a single person who has frozen their eggs.
Most women are intelligent enough to understand that women have a biological clock and that at some point you will need to make a decision about having children - successful career or not.

HollyhocksandPeons · 23/08/2026 14:25

MeetMeOnTheCorner · 23/08/2026 14:05

@HollyhocksandPeons Intelligent people should work out these offs for themselves. Just because the courses and jobs exist, it doesn’t mean you should do them and you weigh up probabilities. Delaying having dc is exactly the same. It’s gambling. No one believes everything they might hear - do they?

I can't agree more - but very very very intelligent people fall for it - for example, personal development courses and similar - this is duping adults, very much like our children are duped by useless degrees. Recently I saw Open University adverts in bus shelters, inviting people, irrespective of their age 'to change careers, because it is never too late'. The advert showed happy 60-year old people laughing, clearly, having switched to corporate accounting after being dinner ladies. It is a separate topic, but clearly sinister and preying on the vulnerable adults.

MickyMoonshine · 23/08/2026 14:29

HollyhocksandPeons · 23/08/2026 14:25

I can't agree more - but very very very intelligent people fall for it - for example, personal development courses and similar - this is duping adults, very much like our children are duped by useless degrees. Recently I saw Open University adverts in bus shelters, inviting people, irrespective of their age 'to change careers, because it is never too late'. The advert showed happy 60-year old people laughing, clearly, having switched to corporate accounting after being dinner ladies. It is a separate topic, but clearly sinister and preying on the vulnerable adults.

I’m sorry but it seems like you’re the one falling for everything you see online. Nobody is telling people to give up corporate jobs to become dinner ladies. Are you seriously saying corporate accountants are vulnerable adults?!
Define ‘useless degree’ as well.

MickyMoonshine · 23/08/2026 15:19

MickyMoonshine · 23/08/2026 14:29

I’m sorry but it seems like you’re the one falling for everything you see online. Nobody is telling people to give up corporate jobs to become dinner ladies. Are you seriously saying corporate accountants are vulnerable adults?!
Define ‘useless degree’ as well.

Apologies @HollyhocksandPeonshaving re-read your post I can see that you think it’s the other way around. That people who have worked as dinner ladies are being encouraged into corporate accounting. However, my point still stands. Why are you assuming these women are vulnerable? And there are opportunities for people to career change late in life - some sectors positively encourage it ( teaching/education is a prime example). There is a recognition that experience can count for a lot in the work place and a qualification can help you gain access to that sector.

I’ve spent a lot of my career supporting women develop their careers and sometimes that can mean supporting women who stepped away from a corporate career when they had children and have perhaps worked in other roles which fit around childcare responsibilities. There often comes a point where they want to do something else and organisations such as the open university can provide those opportunities to gain a qualification.