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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to feel uneasy about mothers leaving successful careers?

549 replies

Toodledootwo · 22/08/2026 02:08

All my friends are quitting their successful career jobs after having children. They all seem to be throwing their hands in the air saying what’s the point. Is there a revolt happening against women working? It seems we were encouraged to get to work and be independent….but when becoming a mother….still be that mother, still be that provider till burn out?

OP posts:
Greenmouldycheese · 22/08/2026 19:31

Asuitablecat · 22/08/2026 13:19

None of the women in my family have ever been sahp. They worked. Not in careers, but generally around their husbands: cleaning; bar work; taking in sewing; the corner shop etc. The idea of just being at home with your kids so that you can give them the best etc is really about the mother, isn't it?

When I first had dc,I thought I was amazing: look at me, I've made a human! But, biology permitting, there's nothing inherently special or skillful about producing offspring or keeping them alive. Which is presumably why learning to do a job well and developing a career is seen as more worthwhile.

Having children is not my greatest achievement; my body just did its job. Having kids who are happy and independent and doing well is not an achievement- it's just what I'd expect from them. Becoming good at my job is an achievement, because I've had to work at it.

Shocked to read this.

August1980 · 22/08/2026 19:34

canklesmctacotits · 22/08/2026 03:18

I quit my successful and highly paid career when my first was born. I refused to do it all. DH agreed it wouldn’t be in the children’s or my best interests for me to do it all (seeing as he couldn’t be pregnant, couldn’t breast feed, had no bond with them until they were toddlers and probably older etc). So I stayed at home, he worked. He looks after and protects all of us financially while I look after and protect all of us in all the other ways. Not a great feminist or non-feminist statement, just real life. If anything ever happens to us I’d be the overall winner because I’d get the money and the kids - I can’t earn anywhere near as much now, he can walk into a big job any time he wants at this point. Both of us look at each other and our children and think we’re the luckiest people alive.

Us too!!!

I work extra hard at keeping the family together so he gets to focus on bringing in the bacon or tofu in my case. My global corporate where I had a very high paying job wasn’t as accommodating to new mothers. There is a policy in place that no one really polices so yes mothers are forced to make the choice to either work, stay home or burn out!

Gwenhwyfar · 22/08/2026 19:40

" I remember being out of the house from 7am and didnt get home until gine 6pm because of travel."

Work your proper hours and have a sensible commute.
I do understand that's not possible with every job and every home, but I suppose WFH helps now.

MickyMoonshine · 22/08/2026 19:44

Greenmouldycheese · 22/08/2026 19:28

Thats not true though, is it? I remember being out of the house from 7am and didnt get home until gine 6pm because of travel. How can a parent possible "be there" with those timings? My mother worked all through my childhood and I really missed her. I get that some people need to work, but putting stay at home mother down isnt the way to make anyone feel better. These are women with minds of their own, they know their finances and doing what works best for their own family.

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I‘m not putting down SAHM. Please show me where I’ve done that because it’s not something I do. I value it as a role and a choice.

Your experience of being a working parent is not universal. There are plenty of us who manage to work flexibly and ensure we’re not both out of the house for long hours.

Greenmouldycheese · 22/08/2026 19:48

MickyMoonshine · 22/08/2026 19:44

I‘m not putting down SAHM. Please show me where I’ve done that because it’s not something I do. I value it as a role and a choice.

Your experience of being a working parent is not universal. There are plenty of us who manage to work flexibly and ensure we’re not both out of the house for long hours.

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Then what is the issue? Some women choose to work, others can work flexible and then there are others who choose to be stay at home mothers. Everyone does what works best their families.

I get theres a middle ground where the job offers flexibility that allows the parent to always be there for their kid, but there are many jibs that dont offer that and the nothers make a choice to leave it behind.

Marroon · 22/08/2026 19:53

Gwenhwyfar · 22/08/2026 19:40

" I remember being out of the house from 7am and didnt get home until gine 6pm because of travel."

Work your proper hours and have a sensible commute.
I do understand that's not possible with every job and every home, but I suppose WFH helps now.

I don’t think an hour and 20 minutes including having to drop off to childcare or school on at least one of the journeys is really that unusual. If you have young children you need to park up where there’s space, get them out of the car, walk to the school, drop off possibly at multiple classrooms or playgrounds, or a daycare and a school and then go on to work. The drop off bit could be at least 30 mins before you’ve actually commuted to your job.

Gwenhwyfar · 22/08/2026 20:01

Marroon · 22/08/2026 19:53

I don’t think an hour and 20 minutes including having to drop off to childcare or school on at least one of the journeys is really that unusual. If you have young children you need to park up where there’s space, get them out of the car, walk to the school, drop off possibly at multiple classrooms or playgrounds, or a daycare and a school and then go on to work. The drop off bit could be at least 30 mins before you’ve actually commuted to your job.

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Ok, but then that's time with her child isn't it? I thought she was saying those hours were all away from her child/ren.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 22/08/2026 20:01

Gwenhwyfar · 22/08/2026 19:40

" I remember being out of the house from 7am and didnt get home until gine 6pm because of travel."

Work your proper hours and have a sensible commute.
I do understand that's not possible with every job and every home, but I suppose WFH helps now.

This is proper hours. It’s out of the house 11 hours, factor in an 8 hour day plus lunch break, approx half hour commute each way, time to get in out of office and half our each way for nursery/school drop offs and collections and you are up to 11 hours

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 22/08/2026 20:02

Gwenhwyfar · 22/08/2026 20:01

Ok, but then that's time with her child isn't it? I thought she was saying those hours were all away from her child/ren.

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But probably stressful time where you’re rushed.

MickyMoonshine · 22/08/2026 20:03

Greenmouldycheese · 22/08/2026 19:48

Then what is the issue? Some women choose to work, others can work flexible and then there are others who choose to be stay at home mothers. Everyone does what works best their families.

I get theres a middle ground where the job offers flexibility that allows the parent to always be there for their kid, but there are many jibs that dont offer that and the nothers make a choice to leave it behind.

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The issue is when people present one option as morally superior than the other or suggest that working parents aren’t ‘there’ for their children or even worse aren’t even raising them.

There is no one size fits all, we’re all just doing what’s right for our family and our circumstances. SAHP and working parents are all raising their children, just in different ways.

Greenmouldycheese · 22/08/2026 20:08

MickyMoonshine · 22/08/2026 20:03

The issue is when people present one option as morally superior than the other or suggest that working parents aren’t ‘there’ for their children or even worse aren’t even raising them.

There is no one size fits all, we’re all just doing what’s right for our family and our circumstances. SAHP and working parents are all raising their children, just in different ways.

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They aren't raising them in the same way though. Most of the time they arent dropping them off to school or picking them up, they arent there doing homework, going on trips etc. Most of their parenting time is reserved for the weekends. Yes there is part time working or shift work, but its hard navigating it around raisjg a family and given the choice, most people would prefer to stay at home with their kids while the other goes out and secures finances. I would absolutely despise working full time, 9-5 and was fully prepared to quite and return to my career years down the line. Many of my friends done the same thing and went back to teaching, nursing when their kids were teens. If people can afford it and want to give up their career, then I think thats great. Kids grow up so quickly and you dont get them back little once that time has passed.

Gwenhwyfar · 22/08/2026 20:10

"The issue is when people present one option as morally superior than the other or suggest that working parents aren’t ‘there’ for their children or even worse aren’t even raising them."

It's a bit ironic because those of us who has SAHMs in the 80s didn't necessarily get their full attention or get entertained all day like children do now.

Marroon · 22/08/2026 20:11

Gwenhwyfar · 22/08/2026 20:01

Ok, but then that's time with her child isn't it? I thought she was saying those hours were all away from her child/ren.

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A very small amount of it. I’m not sure anyone thinks getting kids in and out of car seats and driving them to childcare at 7am or collecting them at 5:30 to drive home is really spending meaningful time with them, that poster didn’t seem to think so anyway which is a fair enough pov of her own life.

Melograno · 22/08/2026 20:12

MickyMoonshine · 22/08/2026 18:06

Exactly. My child has had a parent home for the whole 6 week holiday. Both of us work full time but between very generous annual leave, flexible working and WFH we’ve managed to ‘be there’ physically.
In previous years we’ve used holiday clubs but mainly due to him being an only child and us wanting him to have days with his friends. Now he’s 12 he organises his own days out and I hardly see him 😂

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In the younger years I had 3 mat leaves close together
With leave I took 14 months each time
Gawd the snark that I was being paid to SAH with my DC for some of that time 😂
So much of the difficulty faced by mothers is that men duck out
Mine is not perfect but hes pulled his weight

blossomsnow · 22/08/2026 20:14

Greenmouldycheese · 22/08/2026 20:08

They aren't raising them in the same way though. Most of the time they arent dropping them off to school or picking them up, they arent there doing homework, going on trips etc. Most of their parenting time is reserved for the weekends. Yes there is part time working or shift work, but its hard navigating it around raisjg a family and given the choice, most people would prefer to stay at home with their kids while the other goes out and secures finances. I would absolutely despise working full time, 9-5 and was fully prepared to quite and return to my career years down the line. Many of my friends done the same thing and went back to teaching, nursing when their kids were teens. If people can afford it and want to give up their career, then I think thats great. Kids grow up so quickly and you dont get them back little once that time has passed.

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I don't think you can speak for "most people"

I was able to find a job where the children just went to nursery a couple of days a week and I did the rest when they were in bed. And once they moved to school I worked while they were at school and again when they were in bed. I was with them as much as a SAHM with school age children whilst also climbing the career ladder, tripling my salary, and building a pension (and all while doing a job I love). I wouldn't trade that for being a stay at home parent. I loved every moment with my children but I am also so glad I have been able to have a fulfilling career

Timeforachange26 · 22/08/2026 20:15

Melograno · 22/08/2026 17:50

Agree
Also if both parents pull their parenting weight then it is possible to " be there"
Both WP
Always a parent present , no childcare, no need to give up my hard worked for career

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That's what my DD and her husband did until the child was 3. No issues with childcare but saved them thousands

blossomsnow · 22/08/2026 20:17

Timeforachange26 · 22/08/2026 20:15

That's what my DD and her husband did until the child was 3. No issues with childcare but saved them thousands

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Yes I had the children two days in the week and DH had them one day and they were just in childcare 2 days. The rest they were with us. And they didn't do any after school/holiday clubs once they were at school.

I had SAHM friends who were always going away for weekends and had their kids in nursery at least as much as I did. I actually spent a lot more time with my children when they were little than they did!

Parker231 · 22/08/2026 20:20

Greenmouldycheese · 22/08/2026 20:08

They aren't raising them in the same way though. Most of the time they arent dropping them off to school or picking them up, they arent there doing homework, going on trips etc. Most of their parenting time is reserved for the weekends. Yes there is part time working or shift work, but its hard navigating it around raisjg a family and given the choice, most people would prefer to stay at home with their kids while the other goes out and secures finances. I would absolutely despise working full time, 9-5 and was fully prepared to quite and return to my career years down the line. Many of my friends done the same thing and went back to teaching, nursing when their kids were teens. If people can afford it and want to give up their career, then I think thats great. Kids grow up so quickly and you dont get them back little once that time has passed.

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You would despise working full time. I would despise being a SAHM even though I didn’t need to go back to work.

I have the advantage of DT’s now being in their 20’s and can see what we did for our family, worked. Also two successful careers has enabled DH and I to retire whilst still in our 50’s.

ThatBreezyScroller · 22/08/2026 20:23

I would never be a SAHM and it sometimes concerns me when women are.

However, I think those with decent careers behind them are less 'silly' to give up work than those who have had little working history/ good career.

I tell my DDs that their priority is getting a decent career before getting pregnant, not only for financial and stress reasons but if they do choose to SAH for a couple of years they will still have a decent career to go back to.

Youwouldthinksowouldntyou · 22/08/2026 20:23

canklesmctacotits · 22/08/2026 03:18

I quit my successful and highly paid career when my first was born. I refused to do it all. DH agreed it wouldn’t be in the children’s or my best interests for me to do it all (seeing as he couldn’t be pregnant, couldn’t breast feed, had no bond with them until they were toddlers and probably older etc). So I stayed at home, he worked. He looks after and protects all of us financially while I look after and protect all of us in all the other ways. Not a great feminist or non-feminist statement, just real life. If anything ever happens to us I’d be the overall winner because I’d get the money and the kids - I can’t earn anywhere near as much now, he can walk into a big job any time he wants at this point. Both of us look at each other and our children and think we’re the luckiest people alive.

Why would you get the money and kids? The money how?

MickyMoonshine · 22/08/2026 20:23

Greenmouldycheese · 22/08/2026 20:08

They aren't raising them in the same way though. Most of the time they arent dropping them off to school or picking them up, they arent there doing homework, going on trips etc. Most of their parenting time is reserved for the weekends. Yes there is part time working or shift work, but its hard navigating it around raisjg a family and given the choice, most people would prefer to stay at home with their kids while the other goes out and secures finances. I would absolutely despise working full time, 9-5 and was fully prepared to quite and return to my career years down the line. Many of my friends done the same thing and went back to teaching, nursing when their kids were teens. If people can afford it and want to give up their career, then I think thats great. Kids grow up so quickly and you dont get them back little once that time has passed.

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Perhaps try reading what I’ve actually written.

I’ve literally said they are raising them differently, but they’re still raising them. Both are valid choices.

You are making so many assumptions about working parents.
One of us dropped DS at school every day until he was old enough to walk there himself.
We used after school care (which he loved!!) 3/4 days a week but he was collected before 5pm every day. Usually earlier.
We did all DS’s homework with him.
At our primary school parents didn’t get to
go on school trips. However, I was a governor so got to go on trips and visit school regularly.
Between us we’ve never missed an assembly, sports day, play, music performance and both of us attended every parents evening.

My career wouldn’t survive a career break and I’ve no desire to retrain as a teacher or nurse. Both are notoriously not child friendly!!
I chose to continue to develop my career which has thrived. That’s a valid choice and doesn’t make me a bad parent.
You might despise the idea of working 9-5 but not everyone feels that way, and that’s okay! Besides, who works a standard 9-5 these days anyway? Many, many jobs offer flexibility around hours. One of the benefits of continuing to work was I achieved seniority before DS went to school which means I set my own hours.

Greenmouldycheese · 22/08/2026 20:23

ThankYouNigel · 22/08/2026 03:23

YABU in the sense that being a mother is much more important that having a high flying career, I was delighted to resign from mine. It meant nothing to me as compared with being a mother.

YANBU in the sense that you feel a bit uneasy about this. That is unsurprising, as the education system, government and mass media brainwash girls with career, career, career from the moment they start school. Marriage and motherhood are treated as after thoughts now, unfortunately.

I’m the type of person though who knows what is actually of high value. I’m delighted you’re seeing more mothers pushing back against all of the career pressure- good on them! Enjoy your children while they are little, it goes way too quickly.

Edited

Couldn't agree more. Its wonderful that we have the option to have our own finances and careers, but its not the most important thing. I completely understand why women give uo their careers to raise their families and think it should be supported rather than belittled.

Pistachiocake · 22/08/2026 20:25

I don't know many doing this, as managing on one wage isn't easy now. Plus, I'd be concerned in this job market about doing this. But if other people can afford it, and are able to make the choice to have more time with their family, I don't blame them. It must be nice to be able to spend all the evenings/weekends relaxing/going out because all the chores are done during the week.
If it is a choice-and not because they're being forced.

Timeforachange26 · 22/08/2026 20:25

Wonderfulstuff · 22/08/2026 18:19

Do whatever suits. Just as long as the working parent is covering 2 sets of pensions and contributes to an independent savings pot for the non working parent then it’s all good.

My personal preference is for financial independence. I’d feel anxious without it so I’m a working parent. I did have extended maternity leave (thanks to my savings) and have taken breaks since and it is significantly easier so I do get the attraction. But despite the easier life it’s still important to me to work.

I wonder how many of these high earning mothers would be so keen to stay at home if they were either single or the husband earned a lot less

canklesmctacotits · 22/08/2026 20:37

Youwouldthinksowouldntyou · 22/08/2026 20:23

Why would you get the money and kids? The money how?

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A few people have said on this thread that I’m wrong and I wouldn’t get the money and I don’t know what I’m risking etc etc. I live abroad. We paid a lot of money to have contractual arrangements akin to a prenup to protect my interests. I have assets and investments in my name (so does DH), we have wills and trusts, private pensions etc. I’m fine.

Before I’m pounced on for being exceptional: yes I am compared to the vast majority, but that’s not relevant to the thread (certainly as the first poster, as I was). We’re not all the same, so any unease as a blanket observation isn’t warranted. There are lots and lots of women like me in numbers but not as a percentage of all women. In the career I had, by the time I left a large majority were in my position or near enough.