AIBU to feel uneasy about mothers leaving successful careers?

[Toodledootwo]

All my friends are quitting their successful career jobs after having children. They all seem to be throwing their hands in the air saying what’s the point. Is there a revolt happening against women working? It seems we were encouraged to get to work and be independent….but when becoming a mother….still be that mother, still be that provider till burn out?

The OP of this thread is judging mums for leaving their careers when they have children. It’s literally what this AIBU is about.

So who " brings up" the children of working mothers tgen? And that suggests fathers don't have anything to do with bringing up his children

And is it only necessary to bring them up to school age? Or sre the kids at school not brought up? Or are the school bringing them up

Children are not best placed to be making adult decisions and we shouldn’t be asking them to make those sort of choices.

However, as children get older you can have to conversation so that children understand the consequences of the choices adults make. My DS can see that he leads a pretty privileged life because Dad AND Mum have worked extremely hard. He also knows that we’ve chosen jobs that give us an enormous amount of flexibility so we’ve never missed a school or sporting event. We’ve discussed that some families have a parent that doesn’t work and DS has actively said he wouldn’t have wanted that as he enjoyed nursery and after school club.
Plus he loves my job as I travel the world and get to take him with me sometimes.

He also sees the families where mum does everything and Dad is never at school events or sports training/matches. He’s told me he likes that fact that me and my husband share all aspects of home life and he’s sad for his friends whose dads have never seen them play a football match or attended an assembly. They stand out because that's quite rare where we live.

I vehemently disagree with the narrative that working parents are missing out and that all children pine for a SAHP. In my experience that’s just not the case.

Working parents are also bringing up their children.
Providing for them financially is a very important part of being a parent.

Yes ?

Im replying to the black/ white thinking that just because one person has to give up WOH to have a reasonable life it doesnt apply to everyone, particularly when they give up because their husbands wont parent!
Thats the issue

It is good that you acknowledge that and are therefore making a decision to remain child free.
What I detest is when women feel like you do but then go ahead and have children anyway because of partner/social/family/internal pressures and expectations, only to end up hating motherhood with all its demands and resenting the children who never asked to be born.
And I know quite a few of these women.
Good for you for sticking to your principles. I wish more women would.

Having worked for many families just like the ones I described when younger I guarantee you they are not fictional. Unfortunately.

What about the fathers of these DC
Do you detest them?

I’m pointing out that it often goes the other direction, and this AIBU is doing just that. Black/white thinking either way is not helpful, women need to be empowered to make the choice that works best for their family without judgment.

I'm a massive hypocrite because I agree it's problematic, and that parents should be reducing hours/putting in flexible working requests equally, but then I'm a SAHM. I quit after having our second, he was in nursery and they called because he was sick. DH was in Japan and I was in central London, due to cancelled trains it took me 2 hours to get there and when I did he looked so miserable, it made me re-evaluate. I don't know if it's because of conditioning, biology or just who I am, but I bloody hated work, I was only there to get paid, and I was desperate to be home with my kids so in all honestly I was probably looking for an excuse.

We've continued paying into my pension, our house is paid off and I'd be entitled to half of it and I have savings in my name so financially I'm pretty secure. Obviously I'm putting myself at risk if we divorce I'd be substantially worse off than I would have been if I'd carried on working. But honestly, I'm happy with the choice. Our second starts school next week, I'm pregnant anyway but I'd have had no plans to return to work. I love being able to drop them off and pick them up at 3 every day, them being able to do whatever hobbies they want because I'm always available, weekends and evenings are completely free for family time because all the cleaning/errands/laundry/food prep is done during the day. DH is infinitely less stressed because there's no calendar juggle. Basically everyone is happier with us having the model of one working parent and one at home.

The unavoidable problematic bit is that it clearly ended up being me because I'm a woman. In an ideal world an equal number of men and women would be staying home.

Agree
This thread is women bashing yet again

Agreed.

Women can be their own worst enemy.

Its so hard to manage two intense 60hr + jobs and raise children. So the woman almost always chooses to step back thinking that they'll get back to a similar position when the kids are at school. But getting back into work after a childcare gap is hard, and if you had kids later you may well have elderly care to juggle to.
On the face of it its an individual choice, but in reality its a failure of quality and affordable childcare going all the way to the teen years. And the impact of house prices running away from average incomes for decades.

If women really had " choice" it would be a novelty to be sure

Patriarchal working hours and practices, combined with lack of male parenting mean very few women have real choices

My sister left a job in finance to be a SAHM for 15 years and went back into finance. She now has a very prestigious and well-paid job.

I am talking specifically about women.
I am not talking about men; that is a whole other subject.

There is a midway between WOH vs SAH
A foot in both worked for me
I have nothing against working parents or stay at home parents so you are both barking up the wrong tree

Ha ha!!! Of course 😉

I burnt out. Undiagnosed ADHD combined with a stressful job and the constant juggle of motherhood was too much for me.

I was great at what I did before DC when I could really focus on it. The stress of kids completely wrecked my focus. I had no choice but to take a break and rethink life.

I know a few women who have been in this position. Not simply struggling to juggle but completely unable to cope with the juggle.

Not sure what would have helped tbh. Maybe it would have been helpful to have been diagnosed and to have understood my limitations a bit more before becoming a mother. I might then never have tried to combine the sort of job I had pre DC with having children under the misapprehension that I would find a way to make it work and still be able to thrive.

It's not always a choice.

I'm not sure what is "barking up the wrong tree" about saying women should respect the choice of other women to do whatever - and should equally feel free to do what works best for them.

I know a moderately intelligent mum who earns moderate amounts in a relatively skilled career who just isn't cut out to be a sahm. It wouldn't work for her; it wouldn't work for her dc.

I also know someone who was very high up in a company the name of which most of you would recognise immediately, who earned a huge salary and not many people could easily rustle up a CV like hers. She left her job when she realised her eldest had SEN needs and felt she could do better than the childcare he was getting. Imagine what the OP would make of her path.

I applaud them both, and I don' think it falls to us to criticise either.

Nobody ever talks about the men though do they?

Yeah it’s the opposite here- majority have a SAHP, ASC numbers are very low, so many playdates and socials go on every day after school, including with parents who WFH but take breaks to join in, they don’t use wraparound either. I love our local and school community. Most children bring multiple family members to events, it would really stand out for a child to have nobody.

I’ve personally never felt that office work was the path to female liberation. I am lucky in that I have been able to get a successful career for myself without having to do full time office work. However, it has come with sacrifices.

I’ve never felt that being a full-time stay at home mum was the path to female liberation, either. In fact when I briefly did it I thought I was going to go insane.

The right balance for me is what I think most women would ultimately want: flexible fulfilling part-time work that also leaves time to be with the children. It shouldn’t be such a pipe dream and indeed we should all be fighting for that.

I suspect they are careers where their heart wasn't in it, so just jobs really. People dont walk away from their passions. Many of my friends quit too but if we had sat around and discussed it 2 years into working life I could have predicted who would go. Take one friend for example, excellent academically and got into a prestigious uni, high qualification. Faced with the options relevant to that qualification she chose one. This involved a few years training, which she excelled at. She was head hunted based on her results and got a very good job, the best on offer in her qualification. She told me that she had zero interest really and had simply been academically clever, she went from one limited choice to another and sometimes had no idea how she ended up there. People spoke of her as being ambitious and career driven but all she ever wanted was children and she couldn't wait to have babies so she could quit her career.

I had a respectable job but not great money so the decision was easy for me from a financial perspective because childcare costs almost matched my salary whereas dh was on big money. Ironically once I left that mediocre job people talked of me leaving my 'career' but it never felt like that to me. It paid the bills but I knew I was never going to progress. I felt very lucky to be able to walk away from it.

My sister was in a similar situation financially but stayed because she loved her job. There were tough times when kids were younger both financially and otherwise but she has reached the pinnacle now and no regrets. Most people don't feel so positive. Most people spend their working lives looking forward to a holiday or retirement. Not to mention constantly moaning about it. I don't think its sad that some people are lucky enough to leave that life.

Some careers simply couldn't be done part time though. Part time PM anyone?

As an aspiration for women generally, it limits career paths.