To attend a birthday party I haven’t been invited to?

[OeoOreo]

Huge birthday party for my SIL in a couple weeks, all arranged/discussed via WhatsApp in a family WhatsApp group, DH has mentioned a couple of bits to me but I’m not in the group so I haven’t had a direct invite, but he says “of course you’re invited” because I’m his wife, right?

But here’s where I’m conflicted, other people that aren’t in the group have had a direct invite.
my relationship with them is sort of just speak when we see each other due to a history of things I don’t want to get in to, we get on superficially but I wasn’t really accepted due to being a different nationality to my DH but I don’t want that clouding the responses.

Do you want to go? I really wouldn’t bother.

I wouldn’t even think of inviting my brother in law to my birthday individually. I’d assume he would know he was coming through inviting my sibling.

Surely you wouldn’t be invited separately from your DH? That would be unusual imo.

When DH’s family are organising things through their family group they don’t send separate invitations to spouses not in the chat.

This, from the limited info, it looks like you're looking for drama.

Surely you just check? Or have your husband ask.

Why do you think you need a separate invitation?

Just tell DH to message in the group and check if you are invited. It seems obvious you are invited though

I don’t think I’ve ever explicitly invited my siblings’ partners, it’s just obvious they’re invited by extension.

It’s party due to there being specifics for the party, think colour schemes, themes etc and I only happened to know that by my other SIL asking me what I was wearing, I wasn’t even aware there was a colour scheme and I thought a nice text explaining would have done

But surely your husband knows these details? So it should be up to him to mention it.

His family are obviously assuming that you and your husband speak. So ask your husband

Agree! I have never invited my siblings' spouses to anything in 30 years of knowing them.

Get over yourself OP and grow up, this is playground level of princessyness!

My DH response when I asked him about the theme, “I’ve not even checked the messages properly, there’s tons”

Your DH is going to his sisters birthday and he’s invited you to go with him.

So this is your DH being a bit crap, then.

Well he needs to be more organised then doesn’t he.

So you have been invited then. Lovely. What are you going to wear?

I'd expect you to be invited unless there's an unexpected back story, but if unsure would check (or get DH to).

One of my ex-boyfriends used to assume that every invitation to him included me, but I turned up to at least one party with him where the hosts clearly weren't expecting me. That was a bit awkward... I wouldn't have dreamed of coming if my boyfriend hadn't said we were (both) invited.

OP said this…

other people that aren’t in the group have had a direct invite.

its not weird of her at all, she’s aware that some people have been directly invited even if not in the group, and that she is not one of those people.

Your husband should ask his sister, "hey, I just remembered that you didn't say anything about Oreo attending the party. Is she invited?". I wouldn't go without confirmation of invite.

Are these others married to the host's siblings?

Personally I'd find it very odd if my brother said this to me. I'd be saying 'well yeah obviously'. However the OPs previous challenges with the family are probably impacting.

The SIL Has spoken to her asking what she’s wearing, so no need for her husband to ask if she’s invited

You have a DH problem. He needs to read the messages and let you know what the plans are. Ive never invited my siblings partners separately - they are obviously invited by extension of discussing it with my siblings. It would be weird to contact them directly when Im already planning everything with my siblings & they can pass the info on.

The answer to your query is to speak to your DH.

Honestly you sound like hard work.
If you’re going please be respectful that this night isn’t about you!