To attend a birthday party I haven’t been invited to?

[OeoOreo]

Huge birthday party for my SIL in a couple weeks, all arranged/discussed via WhatsApp in a family WhatsApp group, DH has mentioned a couple of bits to me but I’m not in the group so I haven’t had a direct invite, but he says “of course you’re invited” because I’m his wife, right?

But here’s where I’m conflicted, other people that aren’t in the group have had a direct invite.
my relationship with them is sort of just speak when we see each other due to a history of things I don’t want to get in to, we get on superficially but I wasn’t really accepted due to being a different nationality to my DH but I don’t want that clouding the responses.

Or she hasn’t and her other SiL only ASSUMES she has. Maybe she doesn’t realise there’s some kind of backstory…

Ask your husband to give you his phone so you can read through the chat and find out all about it. It may be you have been mentioned.

Completely did SiL….the one who asked what she was wearing is not the one throwing the party.

*different.

Blame your DH's poor communication in that case. He could just tell you using words and then no-one has to text.

If your husband is invited, then you are too.
When we host (or attend) parties and bbqs etc, we will only liaise with one half of the couple. Ie. We are hosting family for a bbq this weekend. I have only been messaging SIL about it. But expect her to bring her husband and children! Be a bit funny if she came on her own.

Surely you have answered your own question? They are not in the group so that is why they got a direct invitation, otherwise how else would they know about the party? Are you saying that you would like them to send you a separate text or formal invite because that's not generally how these things work. I am having a party and have invited couples but I haven't contacted both people separately to invite them.

Is there a reason why you think you might not be invited? Married couples are normally seen as a package in these kind of arrangements.

I think you probably qualify for the plus one or spouse pass but the connection between you and birthday person sounds a bit strained. I would swerve it if it was me. Tell your husband you have a headache and have a nice evening in!

Is it not the norm that only 1 of a couple has to be in a group chat for an event because why would both have to endure it?

She's not individually invited others, she's mentioned in texts that sound quite chatty so probably people she'd generally text anyway. You say you're not close so you wouldn't have that relationship.

Sounds like a lot of angst and drama over absolutely nothing! Just look at the messages in the group on your husband's phone.

This, it sounds a big birthday celebration, please don’t bring lots of me-centric drama. As pp have said, there must be big back story!

So why didn't he say here you look at the messages and give you his phone ? or you say show me the messages or read them out to me 🤷

FFS is there any need to be so bitchy? There is absolutely nothing in OP's posts to suggest that she won't be respectful on the night. She doesn't want to go where she isn't invited/expected which is the opposite of being disrespectful.

You are being petty.
You are acting the victim here, Op.

Have a talk to your DH about why he isn't communicating family dinner details like dress code with you. He's likely non fussed about it.

It's not normal for extended family to send out formal invitations about catching up for family birthday meals.

Ask your closest DSIL to join you to the whats app as your DH is forgetful.

Dress up, show up and enjoy it.

DH could do this thing called phoning his sister and asking. The phone won't combust!

Your DH needs to drop into the chat something like

"Hi everyone. @OeoOreo and I are looking forward to seeing you all. What's the dress code/what do you want us to bring/ can we bring something to eat [or whatever]?"

That is, he needs to drop your name as an attendee explicitly (but casually) into the chat.

And for your SiL (his sister?) to have to say "Oh no, @OeoOreo isn't invited" if you're not invited. But I imagine that she assumes an invitation to her brother is also an invitation to you.

If it's this much hassle and you are so out of the loop you are unable to message your SIL yourself do you even want to go? It sounds like it will just be super awkward.

Plus it's a party with a dress code theme...🤮

And his family will be confused and think he should RTFC (read the full chat) as all the info is there!
maybe copy paste the chat into AI for a summarisation?…

Jesus Christ, are you just looking for a problem?
It seems obvious that the communication failure is with you & your DH
From an outside point of view (which you came here for) you are coming across incredibly petty and determined to be butt hurt
Forgot about 'other people' getting separate invites and just get your own eyes onto the whatsapp group that your DH is a part of - for all you know, it might explicitly say on there "Oreo'sDH: please pass the info to Oreo so she knows it's a pink theme, can't wait to see you both there"

Is this a name change fail?
I'm lol-ing at the 'special invitation' - you're not 5!
So much angst, read the whatsapp thread and you may or may not feel more enlightened, this is really not a difficult one to resolve but you're determined to make it so

That would be your husband who should be telling you this.

You sound bonkers OP.

I have a sister and sister in law. I love them both. However, I speak to my sister much more frequently as we have more in common. It doesn’t mean I don’t like my SIL and she would never be as petty to think she wasn’t invited to a party without a direct message.

You DH has all the details you need, I suggest you focus more on your communication with him

Your husband has probably had the same message but hasn’t bothered to check - why haven’t you told him to read his bloody messages?

we get on superficially but I wasn’t really accepted due to being a different nationality to my DH but I don’t want that clouding the responses.

This however is the root of the issue. You still don't feel accepted and part of the family therefore you don't believe an invite to your DH is also an invite to you.

I think you have not had a formal invite because its a given that you're invited. Join the watsapp.