To ask if you’d be allowed to do this?

[Lighterthansprite]

I rarely ever have a night away - just for context. The last one was about 2 years ago and I can’t remember the time before that. DH has never liked it much (he has had nights away, including several nights abroad with friends for stags / birthdays etc)

Unfortunately it has happened that I have an agreed night away coming up shortly, which has been planned for ages to see a concert, but another close friend has now asked me if I am able to go with her for a spa night the weekend before as the person she originally planned to go with can’t make it.

So I’d be away two weekends - one after the other. I haven’t even asked yet… I don’t know if it’s unreasonable to do so? Two children - nearly 18 and 12.

Would your DH / partner allow you to go?

I used to go away when the children were preschoolers and Dh would wave me off. I have never asked permission. Both this year and last year I was away for 4 nights seeing different friends. I go that long due to the distance I have to drive to see them.

It is very strange that he is "allowed" all these nights away and yet somehow you are restricted.

Are you each getting roughly the same amount of time away (leaving aside couples and family trips) over, say, a year? If so then I don't think you're being unreasonable or that it's an unfair situation if you go. It would be great if you'd had more notice but even then, it might be that two trips you wanted to go on were back to back and neither could be rescheduled. If your husband has a real, specific issue - for example, he has something he needs to do this month and fears he won't be able to schedule it with your being away so much - he needs to tell you and the two of you can work it out together. But this situation where he sulks when you do something he dislikes and you don't know what the exact issue is and you're afraid to even bring up the topic of going on your second trip is miserable; you can't live like that. Just tell him you'd like to go on this second trip too and take it from there.

Your kids are 18 and 12. Old enough to fend for themselves. You don't need to ask. You just tell the family you are going. Go and have fun. Ignore any sulking

Did you actually read the op?? Fucking Christ alive.

Yes he would be happy for me to go

If nothing is in the diary, I’m going. We have a child to look after so we check the other person can. But that’s it, I don’t remind about food or anything, partner (man) just sorts what he needs and I don’t remind/ micro manage if I’m away. The only thing I chat through is big financial costs to make sure it’s not uneven eg if someone wanted to go abroad and money was tight, we wouldn’t unless the family plus other partner could also have a holiday. @Lighterthansprite it sounds like he is a bit controlling tbh. Punishing you with his moods. I’d go, put it in the diary and start him getting used to it.

ignore his sulks and if he brings it up just act really confused eg ‘ I’m confused, why would I need you permission as an adult?’ Because then you make him explain it and it’s obviously rubbish. Rather than being angry. If it continues just say ‘agree to disagree, it’s my life and I deserve fun too’. Every time he goes away, put something in the diary in future for yourself . It’s your only life. Be brave. You deserve better. You’re not ‘the help’!

Wtf. You shouldn’t even be asking for permission given it’s a weekend and you have a young adult and a preteen who could presumably manage fine on their own even if DH is busy with his own plans. I’d only ask if the kids were young and it would require a change of working arrangements or something. Just tell him you’re going!! Make sure your eldest is around to mind your youngest, and be prepared to pay them for babysitting, and tell him to get stuffed if he has any objections. Do not let this miserable hypocrite control you.

No one would be allowed to tell me that I'm allowed to go. I make that decision. My DP would be excited to have a chill solo weekend/s and he'd be interested to know what my plans are

It would never even occur to me to ask for permission. I would just say I’m going to X and he’d say great, have fun! We’ve been together since we were 18, we’re 59 now.

Yes.

I would not have to ask permission.

I divorced the man who used to make me ask permission.

Allowed?

hahahahahaha

Just tell him you're going as you hardly ever do anything, and you're doing 2 things now while you ca

Allow me? No one allows me to do anything. I make my own decisions.
My husband would encourage me to go away. We both do as we please. We just check we aren’t away at the same time due to the children. Your kids aren’t even young!! What on earth is his problem??

But you don't need his permission.
That smacks of very controlling behaviour on his part.

Don’t ask, just tell him. Why is ok for him to go away and not you?

Er, one of your “children” is actually an adult. I thought you were going to say they were and infant and toddler.

I voted YABU to even ask this. Go and have an amazing time!

Surely this is a joke? “Allow”? As long as there are no diary clashes so he can take care of the 12 year old, I’d be TELLING him I’m going to both!

If he chooses to sulk like a toddler that’s up to him. Just pretend you haven’t even noticed his moods and go about your business.

He sounds absolutely pathetic.

I wouldn't ask for permission, but I'd check he's going to be around before booking etc.

Why the hell won't he be happy about it? He doesn't like going away, you do, and you've got the opportunity to do it without him. Win win.

The word "allowed" is really odd in this context, OP. You're a grown woman and you can do what you like, within reason. You can certainly go away overnight, just as he has. The sulking to make you not want to go is a big concern also. The power in a good relationship is equal, and days out and nights away should be straightforward discussions, negotiating childcare etc. Each partner should be happy to accommodate the other and wanting their other half to have as many happy experiences as possible.

Why do you need his permission. Does he ask your permission before he plans something - I’ll bet he doesn’t.

Is he controlling over other things?

Now the kids are getting older, time to carve out some time for yourself. Just tell him you are going and let him sulk.

Your children are 18 and 12?? I thought you were going to say they were babies/toddlers.

I'd run it past DH to make sure he didn't have anything planned that wasn't on the calendar, but he'd be happy for me to go!

OP what century are you posting from? As everyone else is saying...this is NOT OK. GO!

Allow??
Allow??

Wouldn’t be a problem for me but I’d be telling him not asking permission!!