To ask if you’d be allowed to do this?

[Lighterthansprite]

I rarely ever have a night away - just for context. The last one was about 2 years ago and I can’t remember the time before that. DH has never liked it much (he has had nights away, including several nights abroad with friends for stags / birthdays etc)

Unfortunately it has happened that I have an agreed night away coming up shortly, which has been planned for ages to see a concert, but another close friend has now asked me if I am able to go with her for a spa night the weekend before as the person she originally planned to go with can’t make it.

So I’d be away two weekends - one after the other. I haven’t even asked yet… I don’t know if it’s unreasonable to do so? Two children - nearly 18 and 12.

Would your DH / partner allow you to go?

Don’t ask. Just tell him you are going.

I voted YABU because it’s unreasonable to think it’s normal to be either “allowed” or “not allowed” to do something as a grown adult. He sounds controlling, if you have to frame it this way.

If the children were 8 and 2 then I think both parents should ask the other before going away and basically requiring the remaining parent to do double the parenting duties. But at 18 and 12 there should be no issues at all.

I would check we don’t have anything else planned that I have forgotten or not been told about before confirming. I wouldn’t just go without saying anything.

Seriously, in your shoes I'd be taking a permanent night away.

He doesn't own you. He doesn't get to say a flat out no on anything you do. I hope this thread is a bit of a wake up call for you as to how abnormal this is.

Why are you behaving like this man is your life boss? ‘Flat out say no’. I’m sorry? What the actual?

Do you get to veto him going out? I suspect not.

He’s not the boss of you and I’m so sorry you’ve been made to feel he is. How can we support you, as this really isn’t normal, healthy or kind?

What happens if he says no? I mean, surely he doesn’t lock you in the house (like my DF used to threaten when I was a teenager!).

Even if he “flat out says no”, you can still just pick up your keys and leave the house. Don’t fear sulking. Let him sulk. Go and have a lovely time. Whilst away, perhaps have a think about how you want to live the rest of your life.

Have you not read all the posts by people where "allowed" isn't an issue, because partners shouldn't be asking permission? Him saying no shouldn't be arise because he has no right to say no. You are not in an equal relationship if he treats you like this.

I never have nights away but my dcs are much younger and that's my choice, I like being here for them. If my dcs were over 12 I expect they wouldn't be bothered if I was here or not and wouldn't need much looking after. I'd just be telling DH that I was going, not asking (though I think 2 weekends in a row is bad timing, and I probably would say no to a spa night).

The sulking is unacceptable and the flat out saying no is a marker of controlling behaviour. Has he always been like that?

Well obviously if he said no, then the next time he wanted to go away then you would veto it - just like he does.

Does he bring anything to the party?

Tell him you’re going, don’t ask. If he sulks have a conversation with him to find out why he feels this way and tell him you’re an adult and acting like this is a means of control. Once it’s called out it should be harder for him to justify the behaviour.

17 and 12.

On the basis it happens infrequently and your kids are older it wouldn’t be a problem at all. Like not at all.

I too find the word “allowed” problematic - you are a grown adult with full agency.

If you have tiny kids a discussion would be reasonable before you booked weekends away but with big kids it’s much more free and easy.

Me and my husband have had a long and happy marriage, not without occasional disagreements, but he's my best mate and we give and take.

If he ever said I wasn't 'allowed' to do anything, I would laugh in that man's face.

You lost me at " allowed"

@Lighterthansprite , “asked” 🤦🏼‍♀️

This!! What on earth is going on in your marriage! DH and I just worked out
logistics when either one of us needed to be away. In my case that was the best part of a week every year taking students on fieldwork abroad. One year I flew back a day early so he could fly out to his best man’s wedding.

Married people do not ask permission. If he is not booked to be away or working at night why on earth would it be a problem? And even if he was, could your 18 year old not be responsible for your 12 year old for at least some of the time?

Allowed???

Seriously?

Reading Mumsnet really does make me realise that marriage means different things to different folks. Me and OH have done things separately throughout our nearly 25 years together. We let each other know so we can arrange our diaries, but I'd hate to be in a relationship where I felt we had to ask each others permission. We've even taken big holidays separately, and as long as we were both in the picture re childcare etc, its always been fine. We actively encourage each other to do things alone as it's good for our mental health and our relationship.

If I were OP I'd be having big conversations and counselling.

No question of ‘allowing’ here - I’d just have told him I was going.

I wouldn’t be asking, I’d just put it in the shared calendar.

And when he said no I do hope you said tough, you’re going? Your kids aren’t little so I don’t see what grounds he can possibly have to be unhappy?!

I voted you were being unreasonable but only because you sound like a little girl doing something naughty. You are a grown woman, your DH doesn't ask if he can go away so neither should you

And I agree with PP’s - don’t ask, I inform!