To ask if you’d be allowed to do this?

[Lighterthansprite]

I rarely ever have a night away - just for context. The last one was about 2 years ago and I can’t remember the time before that. DH has never liked it much (he has had nights away, including several nights abroad with friends for stags / birthdays etc)

Unfortunately it has happened that I have an agreed night away coming up shortly, which has been planned for ages to see a concert, but another close friend has now asked me if I am able to go with her for a spa night the weekend before as the person she originally planned to go with can’t make it.

So I’d be away two weekends - one after the other. I haven’t even asked yet… I don’t know if it’s unreasonable to do so? Two children - nearly 18 and 12.

Would your DH / partner allow you to go?

There’s no allowing me to go, I don’t need permission!
go and enjoy it.

Yeah your DH sounds abusive and manipulative. You shouldnt need to ask his permission for anything and if he sulks when you make plans tell him to get a fucking grip. I couldnt be with someone who behaved this way as grown ass adult. At the very least hes a massive hypocrite if he gets to go away and do things whats his excuse for not spending every free second with you then if its so important? Because hes controlling and selfish thats why. I hope you go and enjoy yourself and put a stop to his shit behavior for good OP.

Your marriage/husband is fucked up.

"Allow"? My husband is not my father. He does noy allow or disallow anything I do.

When the children were younger there would be logistics to so, of course as we have shared finances we discuss any largish costs, but now as money is not an issue and our children are old enough to look after themselves I would give him a heads up about when I will be away so he doesnt make plans for us.

Same the otger way as well. We are both functioning adults, nobody needs to "allow" anyone anything.

Fuck your husband.

I really think you need to leave him. Hes controlling and manipulative.

You deserve better, and you need to show your kids that this is not an acceptable way to be treated.

I suspect the vote might be skewed as people might have interpreted the question differently ?

I said YABU "to ask if you are allowed to do this" because the very fact you seem to think we would be "asking permission" is unreasonable.
However, as 81% of people voted YANBU, I'm guessing there might have been other ways to interpret the question, as the comments suggest I agree with virtually everyone else.

Obviously YWNBU to go to both events.

At 12 & 18 he wouldn't even have to do alot and they surely aren't that needy, so unsure why he would have an issue with it unless you all had plans as a family?

You seem almost fearful of discussing it with him though, and your use of language here is concerning...no adult should be feeling the need to be using the word 'allowed' in relation to a partner :-/ I would expect to read 'would your partner 'agree with you going' or 'be okay with you going'

Are you in an abusive relationship where coercive control is present?

Your husband is a controlling arsehole and id be using both weekends to plot my escape from the marriage

I think that he is controlling. However when is your 12 year old back at school and would you be away the week before and after? Is your youngest a boy or girl? It isn't controlling to want the other parent, to be around for the children.

You shouldn't have to ask permission. There shouldn't be one rule for him and another for you. Your children are old enough for you to be away. Does H control other aspects of your life?

Um he wouldn’t “alllow” me to go because I don’t need his permission.

Your children are 12 and 17, not little kids where you need all hands on deck and solo parenting for a night is a pain.

I’m guessing he’s controlling in other ways too?

No he wouldn’t “let” me go. I’d be telling him I was going. What the bloody hell is this “letting” you nonsense? Can he seriously not cope with one secondary school age child for a night?

Read up on coercive control. Abuse comes in many forms OP. This is controlling and totally unhealthy. Contact Womens Aid for advice. I bet when they were younger, he used your children to control you, and to keep you at home. As the children get older, he's getting worst because he's losing his grip.

Do you have daughters? Do you want them to think it’s OK for some man to tell them what they are allowed to do?

Do you have so sons? Do you want them to think it’s OK to be an abusive controlling prick?

Of course

Very controlling and pathetic behaviour by your Husband.

So he gets to go away multiple times, however you have to have his permission and be allowed!

Be safe OP.

Let me?

Im not one of the children. Im not asking to be out past bedtime.

I think unless he has something in the diary already, or you had plans together already this is fine. Obviously, if we had plans together or he reminded me id agreed he would be doing X Id tell my friend sorry DH is already away then/I already have plans.

Next time theres a stag do will he sack it off so you can spend all his free time with him?

Thought not.

Youre not rapunzel waiting in the tower for him.

This can’t be the only thing he’s controlling about, OP? I can’t believe what I’m reading.

I wouldn’t ever ask my husband if I could do what you’re asking. I’d tell him. And he’d be happy for me to get out a bit. That’s what it’s like in a normal relationship.

Have you ever thought about leaving him? The sulking is so unattractive it’s beyond anything I’d be prepared to put up with. You don’t belong to him.

It doesn't matter if he says no....you don't need his permission. You have an adult and a 12 year old child who can both presumably survive 2 nights away by themselves / with their Dad. Let him sulk if he wants too- just make sure you're away for that part too! Kindly - this is ridiculous. I've been away more than that with an 8 year old and 4 year old.

This wouldn't even be an issue in my house. It would be more a case of me saying I feel bad that they are clashing and dh reassuring me that it's ok things clash sometimes but best not to miss opportunities etc. I wouldn't dream of asking permission but I would phrase it as a question just to be polite. 'Would it be okay if i..' but the only acceptable answer is yes

I doubt it. Trying to isolate you from your friends is classic abusive behaviour.

I wouldn’t need to ask permission. I’d check the dates are ok but there would be no question of “can I”. Likewise if my DH wants to go somewhere, we just check the dates etc with our work and childcare.

I’d work out how many nights he’s had away from you for stag dos etc in the last two years vs how many nights you’ve had away.

Now you need to redress the balance so you take however many days difference however you like. Trip away, spa days etc.

You don’t need to ask! Just go

Just go , don’t even ask just tell him you’ve got plans. Tell the kids you’re going out and ask the 18 year old to stay home if the 12 year old needs any supervision if your husband refuses.