To ask if you’d be allowed to do this?

[Lighterthansprite]

I rarely ever have a night away - just for context. The last one was about 2 years ago and I can’t remember the time before that. DH has never liked it much (he has had nights away, including several nights abroad with friends for stags / birthdays etc)

Unfortunately it has happened that I have an agreed night away coming up shortly, which has been planned for ages to see a concert, but another close friend has now asked me if I am able to go with her for a spa night the weekend before as the person she originally planned to go with can’t make it.

So I’d be away two weekends - one after the other. I haven’t even asked yet… I don’t know if it’s unreasonable to do so? Two children - nearly 18 and 12.

Would your DH / partner allow you to go?

OP it sounds as though you view living this way as normal, I hope you can see from the replies that it isn’t. You should not need his permission to go for a night away! And the fact he wants you to spend all your free time with him and sulks if he hears you laugh on the phone with a friend is very unhealthy and controlling. It sounds as though you may be a victim of coercive and controlling behaviour. I hope this thread enables you to understand this and get the support you need. I wish you happiness x

Most people don't need permission from their spouse to have nights away from home.

Why are you presenting it as if 'no' is a viable option? Exception only being if there is a vital commitment that DH has.

"DH ive got two weekends in a row Ill be away , they happen to have come up close to each other. Put in your diary pls.'.

Done.

Would your DH / partner allow you to go?

No-one allows me to do anything because I'm not a child and I don't need permission. Unless DH has already booked to go somewhere or we have plans I would just tell him I am going out and he is looking after the kids.
Your DH is obviously very controlling. I would be getting away from him asap.

i haven’t been “not allowed” to do anything since I took the teachers lift instead of the stairs at school in 1993.

i would have a logistics discussion with my DH. I would acknowledge it was two weekends in a row. We might review how much time he’d had away from the house and if it had been a while we might agree that he should seek out a similar outing with one of his friends in future months.

but I most certainly would not be asking permission.

He sounds very controlling. This is abusive. Please think about how wrong this is.

And what would he do if you did the same back to him? Told him he’s not allowed to go away because you think he should spend all his free time with you?

You are in a controlling/coercive relationship. Please get help.

My DH wouldn't expect me to "ask permission".

Your husband is an insecure man-child.
Just tell him you are going. If he kicks off remind him of the times he has been away and ask what the difference is, because there isn't any

Is it about him being left with the kids or not being with you? My husband has become like this since we had kids but because he doesn’t like to look after them alone, I just go anyway (which isn’t that often) and brace myself for the moods, strops, argument before I go out and the days after I’m back. I know how you feel with the eggshells it’s not a nice place to be.

Yes, of course. And I have a 2 year old and a 11 month old.

Gently my partner doesn’t allow me, or not allow to do anything. We are both grown ups who might discuss: “hey I’ve been asked/invited to do X, would you be okay to hold down the fort?” “Before I accept just checking you don’t have a clash” ect but we are adults who get to decide what to do with our time

I wouldn’t have been able to do this either. My partner would make sure he was out and busy so I couldn’t rely on him for childcare if I ever wanted to go away. It is controlling and it isn’t right, but what can you do other than split up and then you can’t go away either. Now our DD is 17 I have more freedom but I sympathise.

We have this conversation too.

Maybe you should ask him “well what have you done lately to make me laugh? Have you told me some funny stories? Taken me on a nice dinner date where you have thought about my preferences?”’
your partner being your whole world is a terrible idea, what if something happened to him? Who would help you cope?

This is such a big red flag for an emotionally abusive relationship.

It’s subtle, he’s not saying you can’t see your friends he’s just making you feel guilty for doing so. It’s very manipulative. And very common in abusive and narcissistic relationships.

Nows the time to start thinking about what leaving looks like. Your partner should be making your life better and can you honestly say that he is doing this.Talk to a solicitor, may be even a therapist of some sort. You don’t need to pack your bags and run off tonight, but start talking to people who can help you. Leaving a controlling relationship will be one of the hardest things you ever do, but the freedom to go on a spa day and see your friends awaits you in the other side.

Would he “allow” It??????????

I mean neither of us do as a general rule mainly because of shift working/childcare/ finances but that aside - yes he would he’s not a control freak!

Allow you to go? What? There’s a difference between saying, Dah, you ok with me going off with Maria for the weekend . and DH , will you allow me to go away next weekend.

He is not your boss!

I see it’s fine for him to have nights away ….

As long as you will be safe to of course you should go. He has no rights to say no. You are doing nothing wrong at all.
If you won't be safe after "disobeying" him then you need to leave and prioritise your safety.

Your 12 year old will be 18 before you know it, what kind of life do you want for yourself when the kids are adults? What kind of person do you want you want to be, what type of role model for the kids,? When you think ahead, do you want to spend your retirement with him? I am glad to hear you have friends because lots of women end up isolated rather than deal with the hassle /abuse before and after socialising. I suggest you invest in these friends because they will be a means of you being relaxed and your true self, and outlet and support, a way to stretch your wings...I deel like I say this a lot on here but please don't let him squash you and shrink your world. Your partner should make you feel more yourself not less.

@Lighterthansprite can't you see what a fuckimg controlling hypocrite your dp is? He goes on stag weekends and nights out with his friends yet bans you from doing the same. Get rid of this arsehole, he is a domestic abuser.

I was in this 'asking if I was allowed' to do something marriage..no children involved, I suddenly saw the light, ran away and he's soon to be ex husband! I'm bloody 43, you can't let someone tell you what to do!

He is pathetic.

’allowed’ Isn’t a concept in our relationship. Your DH is very controlling

He sounds like a controlling loser.

This is domestic abuse. I realise that might be hard to read,, but it truly is. You don’t have to live this half life. You can have a life where you are free.

How is he with the kids? Are they able to do age appropriate activities ?

This with bells on! He'll get over it and if he doesn't he can fuck off