To ask if you’d be allowed to do this?

[Lighterthansprite]

I rarely ever have a night away - just for context. The last one was about 2 years ago and I can’t remember the time before that. DH has never liked it much (he has had nights away, including several nights abroad with friends for stags / birthdays etc)

Unfortunately it has happened that I have an agreed night away coming up shortly, which has been planned for ages to see a concert, but another close friend has now asked me if I am able to go with her for a spa night the weekend before as the person she originally planned to go with can’t make it.

So I’d be away two weekends - one after the other. I haven’t even asked yet… I don’t know if it’s unreasonable to do so? Two children - nearly 18 and 12.

Would your DH / partner allow you to go?

Divorce the controlling twat.

Yes, and a DH who is behaving like a toddler, demanding all her attention

Then he’s a childish piece of crap.
He goes away, WTF would you not be ‘allowed’?
Giving in to him rewards his dickhead controlling nature. Your kids aren’t even little!
I have 2 toddlers and am going g on holiday with friends soon. My husband booked a week off work to look after our baby and toddler. Your husband is weird and horrible.

My toddlers don’t get upset if I go away without them or laugh with friends.

I voted YABU because there’s no way I’d be with someone who “allowed” me to do anything.

Of course he would ‘allow’ me to go. Same as I would ‘allow’ him to go. Not that we would ask each other. We’d just say what our plans were

dH would be happy for me. There is no “allowing” or “not allowing” here!

OP you know this is bad. The question is - what can you do about it? If you tell him and go, you are pretty sure he will sulk? Can you just ignore that? Brush it off? If he says you can't go and you go anyway, what is likely to happen? Will he head off the next weekend when you're supposed to be going to the concert and leave you in the lurch? Or is it worse than that?

Providing it is safe to do so, I would start to live your life the way you want to, make contingency plans for the 12 year old if your husband is likely to leave you in the lurch when you go out, but otherwise just ask him if he's got plans on whatever date, and then tell him you're going, and go. Ignore any sulking. Don't be pulled into justifying it. Tell him he's being controlling and he isn't your boss. I wouldn't suggest relationship counseling because he's being abusive and it generally isn't recommended, but individual counseling might be a good idea. His abuse may be driven my mental health issues he can tackle if he's prepared to. And if he can't adjust and be a reasonable partner to you, then make plans to leave.

If you don't think you'd be safe doing that, then just make plans to leave. It's got worse and it will continue to do so if it isn't stopped.

Your children are growing up seeing this as an example of how men should treat women. It's hugely damaging for all of you.

Edit to add: the trying to see if he will change is only if there's a lot of other good in the marriage. If he isn't great for you other than this issue then just leave. You only get one life and your poor kids would be better off too.

Christ! Why! No dont ask him of you can go, let him know you are going.

My DH would be absolutely fine with me going. Our kids are 5 and 7.

Allowed? Eek. I wouldn't be 'allowed' by my partner because I am an adult and control my own actions. Also your children are quite old which makes it easier for him surely? When I started reading I assumed they'd be 3 and 5 or something.

Oh OP you really need to leave this man.

OP, come on, grow a backbone.

“you’re not going”

“yes I fucking am, see you Sunday!”

Also the snivelling “I should be your favourite person / I don’t like you having fun with other people” is a) psychopathic and b) off the scale unattractive and c) unloving towards you, ultimately.

I imagine you’ve tried and failed to assert boundaries and expectations so genuinely - LTB

That’s so worrying, poor you.
You need to speak to a women’s support group or someone privately for some support.

I just do what I want and so does my DH. ‘Allow’ doesn’t come in to it
I can see you might have to say are you ok with the 12 year old for a couple of weekends but not is it ok if I go away with my friends

Does he ask your "permission" when he goes on his stag weekends or whatever nights away? If not, why do you need his?
If he does ask you for permission, you obviously grant it, so why shouldn't he do the same for you?
Besides, your DC are not toddlers needing constant supervision or bathing. They just require an adult in the house. Tough that he's not going to have your attention for two whole weekends in a row. Tell him that absence supposedly makes the heart grow fonder, doesn't it?
Have a lovely time.

Unreasonable to think that you need to seek permission, not unreasonable to go.

There is no way on this Earth that I would ask "permission". If that was the relationship I would not only go for the weekend but forever!

DH goes away on his trips, I go away when I want. As long as it isn't at the same time as we have a very frightened cat, but she would go into a cattery if necessary.

Most people who are married discuss plans , organise and arrange things together, and separately. So they can have lives as a couple and some kind of life including hobbies and friendships separately.
It is not normal or functional to have to ask permission from your husband to go away for a couple of days . That sounds limiting ( for you , he is not in charge of you / your keeper) and controlling of him.

My husband would be over the moon that I had such things planned, I'm much more social than him and he's generally happy I'm getting my needs met. He also never sulks.

I left a sulker, who wouldn't let me talk about my friends, my job, my life outside the house. Never again.

18 and 12? God I hope when mine are that age it's not even a question. Mine are 8 and 5 and I hesitate because they are terrible sleepers and at least one is asd. Even now though I've 2 nights away planned between now and Xmas and dh has 1 night away with friends.

DH wouldn't bat an eyelid and would tell me to have a good time

YABU to ask (apart from checking someone is home for the DC!).

I once had an ex like this. Said that if I wanted to go away with friends then clearly I still wanted “the single life.” He is an ex for a reason.

Why are you even considering asking for permission?! Say yes, book it and let him know!