To ask if you’d be allowed to do this?

[Lighterthansprite]

I rarely ever have a night away - just for context. The last one was about 2 years ago and I can’t remember the time before that. DH has never liked it much (he has had nights away, including several nights abroad with friends for stags / birthdays etc)

Unfortunately it has happened that I have an agreed night away coming up shortly, which has been planned for ages to see a concert, but another close friend has now asked me if I am able to go with her for a spa night the weekend before as the person she originally planned to go with can’t make it.

So I’d be away two weekends - one after the other. I haven’t even asked yet… I don’t know if it’s unreasonable to do so? Two children - nearly 18 and 12.

Would your DH / partner allow you to go?

I voted this but I think I have voted wrong way. Go.

This 👆

My husband would encourage me to go and have a fun time. Even when the kids were very young.

“Allowed to go”??? I wouldn’t ask permission.

If there’s nothing else pressing in the family calendar on those dates, why does he have an opinion?

Hopefully you can see from the responses on here, that your husband’s reaction is abnormal and unusual. He doesn’t get to control how you spend your time. Even if he doesn’t say anything negative, the fact you’re sensitive to his expected sulking is coercive control on his part!! 😠 Angry on your behalf!!

Can’t believe you think YABU - you’re not!
But it sounds like you’ll have to get your ammunition ready (list of his previous trips) just in case he gets daft!

Honestly ? DH would be pissed off, but wouldn't be able to verbalise it because of all the times I have held the fort when he went away. He would suddently develop non life threatening aches and pains, lose the ability to function as an adult, and yet would still be left to power through it !

Do women still ask permission of their partners????? I thought that went out with crinolines and bustles. Lets all go back to Downton Abbey shall we.

Threads like this make me sooooo glad I decided to remain single and child free. I have never in my life asked a man to allow me - not even a boss.

My husband would put a bottle of prosecco in my case, a few quid in my account (he earns far more than me), and fill the car up with petrol before I went. He would give me a huge hug and tell me to enjoy every moment.

Edit to add- he would also look after the kids.

Same here!

Allow??? Allow???
I’m not his property… if I want to go, I’ll go.
Geez…

Sorry but I am puzzled. "Allow?" is this the 50's? I wouldn't ask, i'd just tell him I'm going away. Does he ask you?

Voted YABU for even asking

How can you not realise how toxic this - of course you can leave your teenage children for a night and have some time with friends. He is incredibly controlling.

Allow you to go? That’s a red flag if I want to go somewhere I go I don’t need permission my dh doesn’t own me

Yes, I would go and if I had children at home I would ask DH because it would be putting the onus on him to look after said kids in my absence. That said, if the tables were reversed he would ask me too because it's just polite.

Having said that, neither of us would say no.

I wonder why you feel happier with friends than with him? 🤔

Jesus this is a massive red flag.

Probably because you are! Do these rules apply to him too? I’m guessing no as you said he goes out/away. Your kids are 18 & 12, hardly toddlers who need constant supervision. The eldest isn’t even a child! If he can’t cope with a 12 year old he’s pathetic! Don’t let his sulking get you down. Go live a little! And have a think about whether this how you want your life to be

But he doesn't want to spend all his free time with you? Do you see how totally messed up this whole dynamic is OP? You sound so downtrodden and broken.

My DH wouldn't have a choice, though my current situation is that I'm primary parent to two young kids so I don't see it happening for a long time! TBH his ideal would probably be that I took the kids with me and he'd be home alone.

Asked???

I wouldn't need to ask. We share a google calendar - I'd check the date works, if no clashes then I'd pop it in and also verbally let him know I'm busy that weekend and he's on childcare duty!

He's abusing you.

I don't understand. How can he say no? He isn't your boss. He goes away on stag do's and holidays with his mates for birthdays so why can't you go away with friends? He sounds absolutely awful.

Your children are at an age where you can seriously think about whether this is the life for you. Seriously, I have never ever known anyone who's had to ask permission to go away for the weekend. He sounds controlling and spiteful. Do you really want to spend your one precious life with him?