To be upset about meat being cooked in my house

[Meetmeinlove]

For context, I am 53 and a lifelong vegetarian. I have never cooked meat or eaten meat.

I was always clear with my kids that if they wanted to eat meat, it was their choice but it had to be out of the house. Put simply, I don’t want it in my house.

They both eat meat and I am ok with that.

But I came home and they have cooked it- used my wooden chopping board to cut it up. Left remnants on the worksurface.

i’m bloody upset and it feels so disrespectful frankly. It’s a real problem for me- I don’t want meat in my house- I have always been really clear about it.

aibu to be so upset about it? It’s a real problem for me.

Still disagree, its her prerogative 🤷‍♀️ Arguing semantics about what constitutes a household still comes down to individual interpretation in a way so it doesn't bear on my opinion but does bear on the opinion of those who aren't tolerant of others living differently.

It's not about tolerance. I'm not assembling a crowd of people with pitchforks to drive the OP from her home or arguing what she is doing should be made illegal by parliament. Disapproval and disagreement isn't intolerance. The whole reason tolerance is needed is because people disagree with each other. So the OP asking a question, being told she IBU doesn't mean that the people who disagree "aren't tolerant of others living differently. It's interesting you see it that way.

“My DH won’t let me have meat in the house, AIBU to think this is controlling?”

wonder what you’d say to whether or not it’s “his house his rules”?

Not at all - eating meat is not a neutral thing like learning ballet

This is an important value for the OP. No different to a child in a Muslim household frying up a bacon sandwich. Possibly worse, since that's just a religious rule whereas meat to a life-long values vegetarian is murder.

The point of the example is that children don't get an equal vote in their parents home.

The parent makes rules according to their values (like not staying up eating sweets at 2am, or not jumping on beds, or not drawing over the walls, or not eating pork, or not eating meat). That's normal. The parent is bringing their children up to adulthood, and part of doing that well is establising the framework of household rules. It's not a democracy, and it isn't meant to be one.

My husband won't let me stay up until 2am. AIBU to think this is controlling?

Does that mean that your kids don't have bedtimes?

Children in their parents house don't have the same choices as spouses. Because they're children. In their parent's house.

I'm not attacking you personally. My comments are about the majority of responses here, I felt I was clear about that. People have outright called her abusive. I'm sensing you've taken it personally because you don't like I disagree. You're spending a lot of time trying to convince me to concede to your points by using different arguments.

One of them is 18, the other is 14. We’re not talking about something that might affect their health like staying up till 2am. She lets them eat meat. She just doesn’t want it in the house and won’t compromise on it in any way.

Of course you could say that it’s her house and therefore her rules, and if they don’t like it they can move out (which only the older one currently could), and maybe they will both do so as soon as they are able - and will that be a really positive thing for their development? Dropping out of school
and taking a low paid job so they can have their own space where they can eat what they want?

I was waiting for another post like that, been plenty already and always are. Not worth the energy so enjoy feeling like you've won somehow.

How about a Muslim family. Are they obliged to let their 18 year old fry up a bacon sandwich in their kitchen?

You are being totally reasonable. Your house your rules. Your children have spent their entire lives in a vegetarian household, have a healthy diet AND THEY ARE PERFECTLY AWARE OF YOUR RULES ABOUT A MEAT FREE HOUSE. You dont intefere with their diet outside the home. I think they are being disrespectful and that is the problem, rather than the meat.

If it was anything other than meat I am sure you would have hugh support , but mumsnet seems to be full of people who think NOT eating meat is horrifying. Heaven knows why when a large part of the world is vegetarian either through belief or custom.

“My house my rules” does sound like someone with control issues.

DH is vegetarian - I’m not. He wanted separate pans etc - no chance. Ridiculous. And everything has been through the dishwasher. The idea that it’s somehow contaminated is a nonsense.

Do you think restaurants use separate pots and pans for vegetarian meals?

Also DH would say similar, he doesn’t mind if I eat it. But anytime I do the windows are open, fan on, bin needs emptied immediately because apparently he can smell it from the other side of the house etc. All to make it awkward for me to eat meat. And I think that’s what the OP is doing here. Trying to sound reasonable but actually really trying to make it difficult for her kids to eat meat.

Not a rabid carnivore (like some on here - although the meat is murder brigade are just as bad) I eat vegetarian probably 5 days a week. It’s great. And in terms of cost of living so cheap - meat is extortionate.

People saying you struggle to get protein form vegetarian meals are ignorant or wrong. It’s easy.

But I still think the OP is being unreasonable.

You're not being unreasonable at all. They've been disrespectful to you and crossed a boundary on what is for you a moral issue. I'd be deeply upset too.

Goodness me what a ghastly way to live, how to make your children feel unwelcome in their own home.

Just because you choose not to eat meat it seems grossly unfair that your children are not allowed to cook it within the four walls, just because you decree that those are the rules without a hint of flexibility.

I loathe bacon, far too salty and I dislike the taste and the smell, however I make bacon sandwiches from time to time for the other members of this household.

I adore steak but it must be blue, however others in this household like theirs to be cooked medium/rare which I will do happily as being part of a household involves compromise and flexibility.

No I took it personally probably because I grew up in a home that was very much not MY home. Not with not being allowed to eat meat. But a lot of rules that looked quite petty on the outside but caused absolute drama when the rules were broken even by accident. It absolutely was, at least in part, about control there. And even if it wasn't the end result is to feel very controlled. Maybe that is causing me to project. But the insistence that it is definitely NOT controlling to ban a food group from a house and that anyone who disagrees is "intolerant" is... Urgh.

So I probably was being oversensitive and I apologise if I offended you. (I don't have a problem with you disagreeing. Me disagreeing with you is not me having a problem with you disagreeing with me. We could do this all day)

But I will add while I don't hate those parents or anything me and my siblings didn't like going back to the house as adults (because the same rules were in place and it felt stiffling) so I probably didn't visit as frequently or for as long as I would have otherwise and long term it damaged the relationship I have with my parents, and my children have with their grandparents as a result. I think the OP has the right to take a "my house my rules" attitude but long term it can have unforseen consequences especially as it seems to be a general attitude, not just specific to meat.

Some discussion needed here. As parent I think you are entitled to set a house rule and your children know it. They have disrespected this. However if they would like to eat meat they should let you know and ensure they prepare, cook and eat it in a way which is least disturbing for you. Cleaning up is of course essential whatever they cook.

Really weird to position the family home to your children as not being their home.

You should have made provisions so they can still eat what they want in their home in a way that minimizes the impact on you.

Separate mini fridge, chopping boards knives etc

You don't agree that killing other living beings to eat them is murder?

Not enjoying the taste of something is very different from having deep seated beliefs.

Also a lifelong veggie with a veggie-only kitchen - a lot of people here are really not understanding that this is about contamination of the place you prepare your food. If your husband was a hobby taxidermist and decided to keep a roadkill badger in your fridge, or your son used your best mixing bowl to throw up in after a night out, that would be similar to what we are discussing here. Raw meat on your chopping board could make you very sick if it was left out/soaked in/you didn’t know to sterilise it properly (hence restaurants having to use different colours etc) as well as the ick factor, they are being very unreasonable - growing up in that home they ought to know the house rules by now, I wonder what posters would think if their kids walked dog poo into their shoes-off house “because it is their home too so they should be allowed to do as they like”.

Also eg: my tween very clearly vocalises how things like being reminded that he can’t play Minecraft all day as he also has to bathe/do homework/tidy his room etc do make him feel both uncomfortable and controlled, but that still doesn’t make it unreasonable for that to be the house rule imposed upon him…..

I have already said I am a vegetarian for religious reasons. So yes, imo, forcing your religious beliefs onto your children is controlling. They’re not going to become a carbon copy of you, and are more likely to go the opposite way.

Read the post FFS!! OP did not say they 'couldn't' eat meat, just NOT in her house which she has every right to do, it's her bloody house!! 🙄
We have the same situation here with our 16 year old great grandson who has lived with us since he was 3 months old... we're vegetarian and growing up he ate the same as us and didn't complain but we always told him that when he was older if he chose to eat meat then that was his prerogative and in the last two years he made that choice primarily as he was going out more with his carnivore friends! I do put one or two non vegetarian ready meals in the freezer for him as sometimes he needs a meal at odd times as he has been working at a beach restaurant over the summer after doing GCSE's and if we have a pasty (we live in Cornwall!) I will buy him a steak one but he would never ever expect more than that nor would he buy anything to prepare himself with our kitchen utensils/equipment etc because he respects our wishes and also he knows he would get a complete bollocking!! 😡
I guarantee that those voting that the OP is being 'unreasonable' are meat eaters and I wouldn't want to know any of them! 🙁

From personal experience (and as here) there are a lot of judgemental attitudes even between vegans and vegetarians. You get some who think we should all function the same as a unit without any variation so they get upset you aren't vegetarian like they are vegetarian, and it can come out similar to prejudice from non-veggies. I've had others flip their lid at me because I'm not veggie enough or too veggie for their taste

Really? I've never been judged for my preferred choice of food, not to my face anyway, and not by friends or acquaintances. Flipping their lids because you're not veggie enough, or too veggie? Vegans and vegetarians at odds with each other? How can you be a different type of vegetarian, and why would anybody be bothered let alone flip their lids? I think this might be a unique experience.

Imo it’s worse to do this to your children. An adult can choose to leave the relationship. Your children are literally stuck. Interesting you didn’t actually bother to present an argument against me, just an assumption that I enjoy the feeling of winning. Wherever you’ve got that from.

I did read the OP and meant in the house!

To be honest your post comes across as extremely angry and aggressive. Not sure I'd want to know you either 😂